default style cream background and navy text

Coming Out 5

revenge of the geek

Summary: Daniel wants to get his own back. Wedding bells ensue.

I'm going to kill the little fucker.


I have never, NEVER, been so embarrassed in all my life. How could he? In front of the Chair of the JCS? In those pants. Not the leather ones, thank God, but his tight, faded 501s. The ones that show his tight ass off so nicely. Not to mention his tightest white T-shirt and those cute hiking boots. I know he was wearing his navel stud, I could see the bulge. It was the earring that finished me off. Just one, his subtle small gold stud, but it was there. And now he is going to die. Did I mention slowly?

I've made it to his office without once breaking into a run or yelling at any hapless airmen. I'm proud of myself. Perhaps I'll refrain from killing him. Maybe I'll just torture him. Yeah. He's into bondage even if I'm not. He's got the cuffs. I'll just take him to his place, strip him, cuff him, work him up and leave him. Till tomorrow. Yeah, works for me.

He's laughing in his office. How can he? Surely he must know what he's done to me? I didn't know whether I wanted to shoot him or fuck him in that briefing room. All the poor guy wanted was a rundown of the infamous Fort Knox escapade in our own words. Daniel was called up to the room. He smouldered as he walked, no, he sauntered into the room. You could feel his presence, he turned the air electric. Even Hammond was swallowing and I am SO not going there. Right, you git, I'm coming in there.

"How could you Daniel?"

"Oh, hi Jack, what's up?" He looks so innocent.


"Sh, Jack, people will hear you. Come in, shut the door and tell me." He pulls me in and shuts the door, all sweetness and light. I don't buy the act for one moment.

"Don't you think you can get around me, Daniel, you're in deep shit. What's gotten into you? What was with all the homoerotic double-entendre?"


I count to twenty - in Latin - backwards - not enough. I'm going to kill him, I swear.

"'We went down on the planet!', 'It was a quick in and out job!', 'We went in through the back passage!', 'Things got hard when the security forces turned up and we were screwed!', 'I'd like to get to the bottom of the cock-up!', 'The electricity supply may have been AC fucking DC?'

"How many more quotes do you need, Daniel? And you mincing in there like some sort of fucking queen! What were you thinking?"

"Um. Oops?"

"Oops? OOPS?! I'll give you fucking 'oops!' Daniel, sometimes you just go too far, you know. The General didn't know where to put himself, Carter nearly burst a blood vessel, even Teal'c noticed and tried not to laugh. And I'm so not going to say how Major Davis reacted. Poor guy."

"And you? What did you want to do?" He's moving towards me, checking first that his security camera is off. Has the temperature in here suddenly gone up? I can't breathe. Oh God, he's going to kiss me.

"Dannnfmmml," I'm trying to get him to stop, honestly. He's just too good at this.

"Ego amo te," he's whispering to me.

"Tá grá agam dhuit." Yeah Danny, love you too.

"Ya tebya liubliu; nohiboka; Ik hou van jou; I'ch liebe dich." I know, babe, I really know.

"Je t'aime." Oh God no, not French, the killer. My knees have gone to jelly. Okay I'm not going to kill him, not yet. And as for the torture, who am I kidding? A naked, tied up and more than willing Daniel is more temptation than even a saint could handle - and I ain't no saint.

I give in. I'm a slut, I know it. So sue me.

I try again. "Daniel, why? Are you trying to drive me to an early grave?"

He's smiling. There is no God; there can't be. If there was he'd stop Daniel smiling at me. I can't be nuts at him when he smiles like that. Oh no, 'the look', the fluttering eyelashes. I'm toast and he knows it.

"Oh no Jack, I want to keep you forever. You're mine Jack, all mine. I want you Jack, I want to take you home, undress you slowly, kiss every inch of that beautiful body of yours and spend the rest of our lives making love. You're so sexy, Jack, I can't get enough of you." He's dropped his voice; it's sultry, seductive, sensuous. He's got me by the nuts. Instead of bawling him out, I want to be plain balling him. If he ever does this off-world we are so screwed.

He's backing off, heading back to his desk and something on his computer. I am so wound up, I feel like a clockwork toy. If he doesn't do something to release me, I'm going to burst my spring. I growl at him, he looks up and gives me his baby-faced innocent look. How can he do that? Seducer to saint in two seconds flat. Me, I've gone from floozy to fucking frustrated just as quickly. I make a grab for him, but he was expecting it and dodges out of the way.

"Oh no, Jack, not at work, you know the rules." He sidles up to me, almost kisses me, my mouth opens but then he whispers, "Later," and sits back down again. I want to cry.

Laugh at me, would he?

Leave me with a hard-on that could have serviced a regiment, would he?

Give me a new nickname, would he?


Ha, flyboy, revenge is mine. I've left it a few weeks, lulling him into a false sense of security. No nookie till Monday though, if I can hold out, that is. I'm going to spend the entire weekend winding him up and letting him down again. His face in the briefing was a picture. I did my 'sweet and innocent' Dr. Jackson face for the chief. He didn't notice anything because he wasn't in on the joke. Everyone there, apart from him (I hope), knows about us. They all also knew - and laughed - at my predicament from M'losa. Eat shit and die then, all of you. Daniel Jackson is on the prowl and you are all going to suffer at my hands. Next stop Janet.

Jack has left my office, obviously heading to his private bathroom attached to his office where he can jerk off without being caught. Good luck, Jack. It's the only way you're getting any this weekend. Off to the infirmary now. We're due out off-world this afternoon, so I'm going in for my check-up. Leave the glasses behind, methinks. I know just what I do to her with my contacts in. Oh God, I only hope that every seduction technique that I have ever learned that has worked for me in the past is going to work now and not leave my victims crying with laughter instead of frustration.

I can see her. Good. Your turn to suffer, Janet.

"Hey," I say, trying to sound casual but interested.

"Hel-lo lunch!" Heh heh, Janet's always quick on the uptake.

"I'm here for my check-up, Jan. Um, why don't we take this somewhere more private?" I'm not taking my eyes off hers. I've seen the effect this has on people. I am an anthropologist, a student of humanity and human behaviour. I'm just testing some theories, if anyone asks. She's leading me into her office. Oh goody.

"Shall I take my shirt off, Janet?" I ask, biting my bottom lip as I do and still staring at her. She swallows and nods, whimpering as I slowly unbutton the shirt I just put on over my T-shirt. Another little moan when I lift the T over my head. I have been working out. No more fat, only muscle. Her pupils are fully dilated and her breathing is ragged. Oh dear, Jan, are you feeling all right? I put my hand out to her and she jumps. I've never seen her do her tests so quickly. Just before I put my T back on, I pull her into a hug.

"Oh hey, Jan, I seem to remember I owe you one of these." This isn't a Danny Special she's getting, it's a Brain Melter. Jack did say I could play with the girls as long as they don't mind and I go home to him. I'm only kissing my pal. Heh heh heh.

"See you when I get back then, give my love to Cass," I say as put my T on, sling my shirt over my shoulder and walk out.

It'll be lunchtime soon, so I'll hang out back at my office and play it cool till then. First, though, why not get all my victims together? Phone, I need the phone.

"Hey Sam, you going to get something to eat soon?"

"Yeah, Daniel, I'll be there in about twenty minutes. You?"

"Me too. Why don't you call the guys and we'll all eat together. It'll make a nice change."

"Sure," she's suspicious, I can tell, "see you there then," she says. I have to make this work.

Paul's up in the General's office, so I call Eileen the General's secretary and flirt with her a little. She's old enough to be my mom, but she's really nice and it always pays to be nice to secretaries, especially when you want something.

"Eileen, you couldn't ask Major Davis to come to the phone, could you?"

"For you, Daniel, anything." I got her to call me that years ago. She's always Colonel this, or Major that, or Doctor whoever, but I'm Daniel and she's never turned me down for anything.

"Dr. Jackson," Paul's pretending that we don't have carnal knowledge of each other, "what can I do for you?"

"Meet me for lunch? Twenty minutes, commissary. Come on Paul, I haven't seen you for weeks. What do you say? The gang will be there, no one will read anything into it."

"Oh! Okay then, see you there. This meeting looks like it'll wind up soon. Bye then."

You are just so easy, Paul.

I don't leave my office until after the twenty minutes are up. I have to make an entrance, don't I? They're all sitting around the same table, huddled up. I'm guessing that they're trying to figure out what I'm up to. I think they've noticed that I got changed. Asked the girls in the laundry to give me my tightest, most figure-hugging kit for this afternoon. They promised they would if I modelled it for them. Love those girls, they're fun. I've left my earring in, wonder if Jack will say anything? I doubt he'll notice. He loves my cammos and black T-shirt. I can barely move in them, they're so tight. The things I do for revenge.

"Hi guys, sorry to keep you waiting. I'll just grab some lunch and join you."

Got them. Sam and Janet look predatory, Paul has just melted and Jack looks like he's going to jump me. Teal'c, as ever, remains impassive, but I saw his pupils dilate too. Oh dear, not you my friend, I'd never walk again. Let's choose some lunch, designed for maximum impact. I'd better start with something good though, Janet would have my hide if she saw what I want to eat.

I'm picking at my salad, thoroughly enjoying the effect it's having. Perhaps I shouldn't have let that juicy tomato drip down my chin. Nah, it was definitely worth seeing how their tongues came out, wanting to lick the juice up. I licked it instead and watched as all the eyes followed the path of my tongue. Dessert, starting with a banana. Okay, it's clichéd, but I'm going to enjoy this. Just how erotic can eating a banana be?

Start by unzipping it slowly, never taking my eyes from the fruit in front of me. The conversation has stopped. This is working. It's unpeeled, the skin drooping over my hand. I take a moment to savour the sweet aroma before sucking at the top of it. I'm concentrating hard on this, if I don't I'm going to laugh my ass off. I hear a whimper from Paul as I put it further into my mouth and an 'EEP' from Jack as I lick it a bit and then deliberately bite the top off. This is good. I rule. I'm sipping my coffee now, trying to talk to the guys, but it's hard when they are all watching my mouth. Mustn't smile, at least not that way. Innocent face, Daniel, you must give them the baby face. My chocolate bar now, the one with the runny caramel inside it. Oh dear, it's so runny I have to turn my head back and drop it into my mouth, the caramel dripping down the sides of my lips so I resort to licking my fingers to clean up the mess. Time to go, I stand up and in my huskiest voice I say,

"Coming guys?"

I walk out of the mess hall, head straight for my office and crack up.

I'm trying to stop myself whimpering in the mess hall, bolstered only by the fact that I'm not the only one. Daniel's little pornographic food show had the entire room watching him. Even the grunts were shifting about after he left.

"What the fuck is he up to?" Janet complained about what he had done to her in the infirmary earlier. It's my fault, I should never have let him play with the girls. They'd have to tell him to stop though, and I couldn't really bring myself to come between them, though after today's little display I might just do that out of spite.

"I have an idea." Davis is groaning, hitting his head on the table. He says one word which makes my blood run cold. M'losa.

"I am in deep, deep, deep shit," I say. This is revenge that he's after.

Sam's laughing and she whispers, "You're not getting any for forty-eight hours at least." Don't I know it. This is only a recon mission, we'll be back tomorrow. That means I'm going to have to put up with him seducing everything in sight back on Earth for twenty-four hours. Doesn't sound too long I know, but this is Daniel we're talking about. As long as we're both fit and on Earth, neither of us can go that long without sex. We head back to my office so we can talk.

"I'm on duty all weekend," moans Janet. "Cassie's staying at friends till Wednesday so I thought I'd get some shifts in so we can have time off on the next weekend. He's not going to let up, is he?"

"I'm not going back to Washington until the day after tomorrow," Davis is complaining.

"Tough, you laughed at him. You should know Daniel by now, he finds stuff out and never forgets. He's a vindictive bastard at the best of times." I'm surprised at Sam calling him that, I thought she loved him. She's right though, he is.

"We all did," I sigh. "Teal'c, you're in for it, you zatted him." The big man looks worried. "Janet, you refused to sedate him for the second day." She looks scared witless. "Sam, you're as bad as Paul, you laughed your ass off."

"He tried to get me into bed."

"True, but you kept hitting him. He'd never have done anything you didn't want him to do, not even if he was like the Energiser Bunny on crack."

"What about you, Jack? What has he got against you?"

"Don't ask, please."

Their faces are looking at me expectantly.

"I spent the entire time running away from the little git." They're laughing at me. "It's all right for you, it wasn't you he wanted to nail to the floor. And I use that term advisedly." I let out a shudder at the memory.

"You mean you wouldn't do anything to help him."

"I DID! For a while. Hell, if I'd done any more I'd have had to come to you for treatment, Jan. I have never ached so much in my life. I got him completely shitfaced in the hope that it would cool things down."

"Did it work?"

"He slept for a while and woke up even more energetic than before. I spent the entire day running around his apartment, trying to dodge him. Every time he pinned me to the floor I screamed. It was so embarrassing."

Now they're laughing even more at me. It was bad enough that day, but now my humiliation is complete.

Janet speaks up. "Jack, if you're embarrassed, how the hell do you think Daniel feels? You know how sensitive he can be. Perhaps if we all apologise to him he'll cool off with the heavenly babe look."

We all let out a sigh, even Teal'c. I'm going to have to keep an eye on him.

So they figured it out, eh? Just as well I was going past Jack's office when they were talking. He really should shut the door when he's talking about us, he could get into serious trouble. Going to have to play it cool then. We're meeting up in the gate room in ten, got to come up with a plan.

Janet and Paul are in the control room, waving us goodbye? Or is that good riddance to me and good luck to Jack and Sam. Still haven't figured out what I'm going to do to Teal'c. I mean, he's way bigger than me. Perhaps I'll let him off the hook, for now. One day, my friend, one day. As the Klingons say, revenge is a dish best served cold. They also say 'today is a good day to die'. I don't like that one, as far as I'm concerned there is never a good day to die. I should know, I've died often enough.

Hope Jack likes my sapphire-blue bandana. I know Janet does, she says it brings out my eyes. Oh yes, he does.

It's a beautiful day as we step out of the gate. The wormhole disengages and we get to see what is behind the gate for the first time.

"Oh my," Sam's blushing, "what a magnificent, er, um..."

"Erection?" I put in helpfully. Well, it is. I have never seen anything like it before. It's a hundred feet tall if it's an inch and it looks like a phallus. I have also never seen Sam go so red. Jack's cracked completely. Teal'c's helping him off the floor. I'm doing my haughty academic thing.

"It's only a statue. Grow up Jack. Anyone would think you're thirteen not forty-six. Sam, if it offends you, we could dial home and tell the General why?"

", no, it's okay, it was just, um, surprising."

"I wonder if it was taken from life?" muses Jack. "I'd hate to see the guy the original belonged to if it was."

It's no good, I'm trying not to laugh, but Jack, well, he's Jack. It's taking all of my self-control not to go and kiss him for that one.

Pissy scholar me takes over again and says that we should go and investigate. Perhaps there would be engravings. Nice deep, sharply-carved etchings. Jack and Teal'c wince at the thought, but they follow me anyway. I can hear the three of them whispering, I think I'm in trouble. They say attack is the best form of defence so here goes.

I lecture them on the history of erotic sculpture as we go, enjoying watching them squirm and blush as my talk gets way beyond the normal realms of an academic exercise. Jack's not breathing too well.

"Jack? You all right?" I stride towards him, pull him close. "You don't sound so good, I'm worried." I make him sit down, then pull his head to rest on my lap, stroking his hair as I do. I dig out the canteen and get him to drink.

"Do you want to go home?"

", no, no, I'll be fine. It's just a bit warm, that's all," he complains as he tries to sit up.

They look at each other and now I know I'm in for it.

Jack stretches. "Ooh, I'm stiff," he says. I think I know what's coming. I shall ignore it, carry on as if nothing is happening. Maintain my aloofness and keep my dignity. Sod it, that's no fun, I'll fight back.

"I wouldn't say that, dear, I've seen you stiffer." Sam sniggers.

Round one to the archaeologist.

"Do you think we'll meet the people who got it up?" asks Sam sweetly.

"I rather hope so, don't you? I'm sure you'd like to meet the man who could have an erection that large, Sam."

Archaeologist 2 - Air Force 0.

"I too would like to meet the man who could rise to such a challenge." Ooh Teal'c not bad.

"He must be a big man in his community," I say. "It should be a great deal of fun taking him on."

Archaeologist 3 - Combined Forces 0.

They've given up for now, but I don't believe that I have won for a moment. Teal'c and Sam are walking ahead of us now as we resume our trek. I'm feeling sorry for Jack, not to mention horny. I put my hand out to him, he takes it, pulls me close and whispers in my ear, "You are a dead man, Daniel."

I give him my innocent, 'who me?' look, but I'm feeling a bit sick. He was an assassin once for crying out loud. I look at the other two, they're facing away. There's a tree next to us so I pull him behind it, pin him up against it, push myself next to him and kiss him senseless.

"You going to kill me now, babe?"

More whimpering comes my way. I rock.

No matter how hard I try I'll never win a war of words with Daniel. I mean, what chance do I stand? Also, I know that when it comes to the beauty stakes, even though he swears that I'm the sexiest guy he's ever met (?!- go figure), I can't hold a candle to him. Now, I'm more of a macho prick than he'll ever be, but then he doesn't want to be one. I am stronger than him and I can fight better, and I can fly a plane. Not to mention I can kill in many varied, wonderful and inventive ways. He can run faster. I can out-quote him as far as Shakespeare and his contemporaries are concerned, but not by much. So how am I going to get one over on him now? Perhaps I should just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away. I don't want him to go away though, I want to screw him and screw him now. I also want to cry with frustration. Oh God, poor Daniel. He must have felt way worse than I do at the moment, he couldn't even jerk off to find some relief. Speaking of which.

"Hold up guys, I need to take a leak."

That's the second time I've had to jerk off because of Daniel (off-world - not saying how many times on Earth, I've lost count).

It doesn't take us long to get out of the trees and close to the, er, um, statue. Only it's not a statue. It's a tower. Flanked by two circular shaped buildings. Daniel's lost it, he's hysterical, I must admit to laughing my ass off, if Teal'c's eyebrows go any higher they'll be the first ones in orbit. And Carter...she's red, so red I could use her instead of fog lights.

We were met by some people that came out of these round buildings. They speak a sort of Arabic and Daniel is communicating. They are interested in us. Daniel says not to be afraid. That scares me, it really does. I mean, I respect the guy, and his gut feelings have never been wrong, but sometimes we end up in deep doo doo of our own making because we let our guard down. Like that time on P308-27Y, or wherever the hell it was, and we had such a fabulous time, the people were really nice and friendly, and they even held a party in our honour. And we went home, two days overdue and orange. Orange skin. All over. Apparently there was a lot of beta carotene in the diet. I couldn't leave the mountain for a week. Not to mention the hangover. Oh mom, it was awful.

They seem to be nice though, some interesting technologies, apparently. Oh goody, that will keep Carter happy. Teal'c has attached himself to her side. I'm glad about that, it gives me the opportunity to attach myself to Daniel. This is turning out to be a nice mission. Daniel's saying something about Babylon. Why does that suddenly fill me with horror?

He seems to be happy though, at least he's not torturing me every two minutes with smouldering looks and come-to-bed eyes. For now.

He's talking about a feast. Yet another one to be held in our honour. This is getting to be tedious. They don't have a snake problem though, that's good. Apparently their goddess drove them off. I wonder who she is? They seem to be reluctant to say her name for some reason. Not a Goa'uld though, thank God. They've taken Daniel's explanation of Teal'c at face value, so he's safe. Now all I have to do is to make sure that Daniel's safe. I've seen the looks that he's getting.

There's a girl over there, looks a lot like Shau're did when they first met. Oh no, Daniel's seen her and he's folding his arms across his chest. He's hurting, I can tell. No Danny, it's all right, I understand. I know how much you loved her, babe, honestly. There's no need to hide it from me. C'mere, that's right, come to me.

He's crying into my neck, soundlessly sobbing as the whole thing hits him. He'd dealt with losing her, he'd dealt with gaining me (not much of a trade there, I'll grant you, but it's the best that I can do). He can't deal with seeing her double and having me around. I think he feels like he's betraying her.

One of the elders comes over. Teal'c takes him to one side and explains things to him. The girl is shooed off and sad nods are exchanged between those in the discussion. Poor Daniel, he never gets to keep anything to himself.

"Sorry Jack," *sniff*, "I'm being stupid again."

"It's okay, Danny, let it out. It was bound to hit you one day. Come on, no one here minds. Have a good cry, it'll do you good."

"I'm being stupid, I know it. Why can't things ever go right for us, Jack?"

"They're going fine, Danny. Love you, remember? Things are just fine."

*sniff* "Yeah, they are. Love you too, Jack."

I smile at him as he lifts his head up, his blue eyes are surrounded by red. My heart is breaking for him and I screw the rules by kissing him - off-world, in front of the guys, and in a very public place. To hell with it, if they don't like it I'll retire. Again.

The elder came over and spoke to Daniel. He told him the whole sorry story about Shau're, Apophis and finally us, even down to the stupid rules and the fact that we shouldn't be together. He never once said Teal'c's name. I know what he was saying because I had Teal'c translating for me. When Daniel had finished he went over to him.

"Daniel," (he almost never calls him that), "yet again you have omitted to tell of my part in the story of your wife."

"That's because it doesn't matter, Teal'c. I've told you that. How many times do I have to say I forgive you? It's over, Teal'c. You are my brother, remember?"

I think I saw a tear in the big guy's eye and I certainly 'felt' him making yet another vow to himself to protect Daniel. How I felt that, I don't know. Guess I've been hanging around him too long. Daniel felt it too.

"Teal'c, just take care of Sam, Janet and Cassie for me, please. That's what matters now."

The T man nods. Nothing more needs to be said. Sam's come over. She's taking him from me, doing the big sister thing. He's getting better now, that's good. I hate seeing him so upset, but sometimes his hard man shell gets cracked and his tortured soul gets an airing. If I were him, I don't know how I'd keep so calm most of the time. I wanted to kill myself after losing Charlie. Okay, losing a kid is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, I'll grant you that one. But Daniel's lost everything. His parents and his favourite foster parents - dead; his grandfather rejected him, his ex-girlfriend's a snake, his wife was a snake and is now dead, his brother-in-law was a snake, and I, his so-called best friend, treated him like shit on a good day for over a year. If I were him I'd definitely have called it quits and topped myself. If it wasn't for him I'd have done it years ago anyway.

The elder, Hassim I think Danny called him, is talking to him again. Daniel's grinning like a Cheshire cat. See, I can do 19th century literary references too. He's coming over to me.

"Jack, these people are really nice. They want to trade technologies with us. They want medicines and they'll give us defensive weapons, one's which work on the Goa'uld."

"That's fantastic, Daniel. We should get SG-9 here to negotiate."

"There's something else, Jack. They saw us together, I spilled about us. Don't worry," he's adding that with a scared look, "they're okay about it. They want to do something for us. Hassim asked if we had undergone a joining ceremony after I told him that we were, well permanent." He looks shyly at me, as if he still doesn't believe that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I nod, in what I hope is an encouraging way. "I told him no, and he said that if we were to deal with them, he'd be happier if we were officially together, and not, well I suppose the nearest translation would be 'living in sin'." He gives me a little hysterical giggle at that.

So, here's my choice. A) We can go back to the SGC and tell them why we turned down the deal of the century, or, B) We can go back to the SGC and tell them that we can have the deal of the century, but only if Daniel and I can get married.

This boils down to A) Get kicked out for screwing up my job, or, B) Get kicked out for screwing my archaeologist.

I'm fucked no matter what I do.

Jack's looking worried at the news that I've given him. He would seem to be on a loser whatever we do. He's damned whichever way we play it. I have an idea though.

"Jack, some of this can be kept off the record. Sam and Teal'c won't tell. We can go through with this and not say anything. We just get to go home with the goodies and you'll be flavour of the month with the Pentagon. If we have to tell Hammond we'll take him up top and tell him off-the-record. He'll be okay with it."

Jack's looking a bit happier now, thank goodness. What's that? We need more people here to witness the ceremony? Ah. Oh dear. I can see a problem arising here.

"Um, Jack? We have to go back to the gate and get a message through."

"What message, Daniel?" He's worried again, I can tell.

"Well, apparently, this ceremony requires, well, it's a cross between witnesses and an honour guard. Trouble is, for each one of us, we have to have one male and one female attendant. Now, as there are only three people back at the SGC that know us..." I leave my voice trail off, letting him work out the rest of the details for himself. Hammond can't come, he's needed back on the base. So that leaves...

"Davis and the Doc." He lets out a groan. After all, who out of the four would be my attendants? That leaves him with Teal'c and Janet. He'll never live it down. Teal'c is as bad as any of us for remembering and bringing up embarrassing situations, and Janet, we'll she's impossible.

Hassim's telling me more. They what? Oh dear.

"Um, Jack?" He's looking petrified now.

"Yes Daniel?"

"They have to spend the night with us, to make sure that we behave ourselves."

"FUCK!" Yep. Knew he wouldn't be happy about that one. Not only does he get to spend the night, in the same bed (but I haven't told him that yet), with Janet and Teal'c, he has to put up with the image of me with Sam and Paul. This is turning out to be a better mission than I could have hoped for. Not only am I getting my own back against the team, Paul and Janet are going to be dragged into it too.

Hassim's taking us to a lush field for some sort of picnic. The grass isn't making me sneeze, though, Janet's got me on some great medication. We're eating, drinking and having a great time. Jack points out some kids playing near the lake adjacent to the field. They're all keeping away from the water, which surprises us. When I was a kid in Egypt I'd hit the water wherever I found it. Okay, this isn't a desert planet, but still, kids are kids wherever they are.

More eating, more drinking. Sam and Teal'c headed back to the gate to summon Janet and Paul. Sam was to give the message that they were needed, possibly for a day or three (I remember how long parties went on for on Abydos), but it would be worth it in the end and the General would find out everything when we got back, it would take too long to explain now. And no, we were not under any mind-control, taking hallucinogenic drugs or drunk out of our skulls. We were in fact completely and utterly sober. I dread to think what Paul's face is going to be like. He confessed to me once that the thought of gate travel made him sick to his stomach, and then some.

There's a splash. Oh, the kids are playing in the water after all. That's nice. Oh God NO! Screams. HANG ON! I'M COMING!

I am so glad I took life saving lessons as a kid. This child will be all right. Hassim's looking scared. I try to tell him that the boy will live, but that's not what's frightening him.

"No one is allowed in the water. SHE will come out now."

"Who?" I ask. I am answered by bubbles approaching the surface and movement that looks eerily familiar. Nem.

The giant fish or whatever that species actually is emerges and the people are looking afraid. Okay, I made friends with Nem, I can do this again. I hope.

"Hello, my name is Daniel Jackson. This is Jack O'Neill. We're peaceful explorers from Earth." I add the last bit, and then kick myself. Nem thought that the Earth was controlled by the Goa'uld. "We are enemies of the Goa'uld."

It's looking at me, not sure about me. It probably doesn't help that I'm dripping wet. I grab a dry T-shirt from my pack, put it on and try again. "Do you know Nem?"

Okay, I wasn't expecting that reaction. It's crying. "Who are you?" I ask.


"Ah! Um, I thought you were dead."

"Belos tried to kill me, I was badly injured. The people of Babylon saved me. I brought them here. I must hide from Belos."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you. Thanks to you and your actions the people of Earth kicked the Goa'uld out. It was thought that you were killed. They don't even know that you are alive. Look, I met Nem about five years ago. He was still looking for you. I believed you were dead, the old references said you were. I'm sorry, but I told him you were. I can take you back there if you want." Oannes is one of the addresses permanently etched in my brain.

We're talking some more. She had been damaged by the torture she suffered at the hands of Belos and she had forgotten a lot of stuff as a result. Including the address of Oannes. She's delighted at the thought of going home. I tell Jack that I'll take her home. He understands but he doesn't like the idea. I promise I won't be long. Omorocca guarantees my safety, but after what Nem did to us all, he's not too sure.

"Jack, it will be okay. You need to stay here for the others. I'm coming straight back. I've got a wedding to attend."

He's smiling a bit now and against his better judgement, I'm sure, he's allowing it. I call Hassim over, introduce him to Omorocca. He's overwhelmed, poor man. She says she will return a few times a year and asks that I give Hassim the address to Oannes just in case they need her. Hassim looks a bit more relaxed. I promise to give them the address and the address of Earth too. Now I have to take the walking sushi home and try to explain to Nem that I was wrong and I'm, well, sorry isn't going to cut it. I just hope that taking his better half home is going to make him a happy guppy.

I can't believe that I just let Daniel walk off with the monster from the deep. When am I going to get any sense where he's concerned? All it takes is a wide open-eyed look, a flash of those baby blues and he's got me by the scrotum. And doesn't he know it! What is it with that guy and stinky monsters? They all seem to like him. Does that mean I'm a stinky monster? Oh God, is that how he sees me? Some sort of creature that can be tamed by the patented Daniel Jackson good looks and charm? I mean, he spent six months with Major Davis. That guy oozes charm, he's good-looking, cosmopolitan, drinks wine. And there's me. What does Daniel want with a guy that thinks pizza and Chinese takeout is the height of culinary sophistication? He hates the beer I drink with a vengeance. Doesn't stop him drinking it to keep me happy though. Wow. He really does love me.

I call Sam and Teal'c to keep an eye out for Daniel, and tell them not to shoot Maracas or whatever her name is. They say that they're just waiting for the gate to dial up. Somehow they managed to persuade Hammond that sending Davis and the Doc through would be a 'good thing' and they're both getting ready. Pity I'm going to miss seeing Davis' face as he steps through the wormhole for the first time. The Doc still gets the frozen and sick look even after a few trips through. Must remember to get a good description from Carter when they get back.

Hassim is trying to talk to me, but I can't do this intergalactic communication thing that Daniel can. I wish he'd hurry up and come back. Or Teal'c. He can understand enough of this language to talk. We give up and just eat and drink some more. The kid who got wet is now being treated like he's some kind of hero. The hero was Daniel though. I knew he could run fast but he was across the field in seconds and he had him out of the water before anyone could blink. I'm really proud of his reactions. I wasn't even at the water's edge before he had got the kid out. I just hope that Hassim and his people forgive him for taking their 'cod'dess away. They seem to be okay with it.

Ah, here they are. I call to them and they head over to us. Carter says they saw Daniel and the lungfish chatting away on their way back and they seemed to be getting on well. That helps me soften a bit, but not much. I explain to Davis and the Doc about the ceremony, at least what I actually know. Teal'c puts in a bit of information that Daniel neglected to explain. Daniel and I have to sleep with our attendants. Now I know Daniel, he's going to choose Davis and Carter. I mean, he shares a tent with Sam sometimes, cuddles up to her when it's cold. Okay, he's shared a bed with Janet too, but I get the feeling that it's going to be Sam. And then there's Davis. Hell, he's done a lot more than sleep with that guy. Knowing just how insatiable Daniel is, from personal experience, I doubt they ever got much in the way of actual sleep when they were together.

I am not jealous, I am not jealous, I am not jealous. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm jealous as hell.

But with Sam there, they won't do anything they shouldn't. Will they? No, don't be like this. Daniel loves me enough to want to freaking marry me, for crying out loud, he's not going to screw that up for the chance of a quick fumble with a guy that he's done a hell of a lot more to. That last thought doesn't comfort me much.

So what this rambling means is I get the Doc and Teal'c. This is going to be hard. I'm going to be the filling in a tyrant sandwich. Teal'c can be so bossy when he wants to, and I am so not going to think about Janet and how she gets. If I were to explain this to Daniel though he'd offer to swap. Then I'd get my 2IC and my lover's ex-boyfriend. How screwed up is this? What in hell's name are we going to put in our reports?

Teal'c's talking to Hassim again, acting as translator between Frasier and him. She's telling him about the medical facilities they can offer. Midwifery stuff to help the pregnant moms, doctoring skills, medicines. Hassim's going into raptures. He takes us to see the weaponry that he'll offer in return. They have blueprints but they're all in those chicken scratches. He looks sad that he can't explain the things in easily translatable terms, but Teal'c says he reassured him that Daniel would be able to handle that side of things. Daniel's going to be up to his neck in translations, turning modern-day medical information into cuneiform is not going to be easy, even I know that. He could do with some help.

I wonder if Hammond will give us some time off for a honeymoon?

Finally. He's back and looking okay. I go over to him and he falls into my arms.

"Oh Jack, you should have seen Nem. He looked so happy. I apologised for misleading him and Omorocca explained why. They'd made it known she was dead so she could escape. She took the people here to protect them from Belos. They're a good species, Jack, they really care. I'm wasn't sure that Nem would remember anything about me but he did. He asked about Shau're and he was really sad when I explained about her."

I just hug him, there's nothing else I can do.

The ceremony is going to be tomorrow. Hassim has explained a load of stuff to Daniel and he in turn tried to explain it to me, but I must admit to blanking him out after the feast bit. He can tell me as we go along tomorrow. Why is he giving me that funny look, and what is he writing? Chicken scratches again. I dunno, promise to make an honest man out of the guy and he goes all cryptic on me.

Bedtime. This is going to be amusing. Not going to strip off, absolutely not. I don't care if it is a requirement, this is my doctor that's going to be sleeping with me. Oh yeah, Janet, I know you've seen it all before, but this is a bit different you know. Teal'c is saying that he cannot lie down to sleep because he needs to do his kel'no'reem, but he'll sit on the mattress next to me. That should fulfil the requirement. I wonder why we have to do this. Oh I see, it's to prove that we no longer want anyone else, hence the naked thing. Daniel's saying that he loves me and he's going to do this. It's all right for you, Daniel, you have no shame.

Teal'c and I turn our backs as Janet strips off and dives under the covers. I watch her as she turns to face the other way as we strip off. I've done the naked survival thing with Teal'c, that hunting trip with him and Danny, so I can cope with that. Seeing him sat there, cross-legged is quite off-putting. I really need to get some sleep, but I don't know which way to turn.

"Jack, stop tossing and turning, face me," Janet orders. She's put the sheet between our bodies and now she's telling me to snuggle up. I never disobey Janet's orders, at least when she's around. Oh God, she feels so good. I am so not trying to think of this. Think of Teal'c, Hammond, the nuns at school, anything. No, must not think of Danny, that would not be good.

The three of us are laughing our asses off. Sam's already in bed, threatening to turn to face Paul and me as we get undressed.

"Daniel, darling, it wouldn't be the first time I've seen you naked."

"Sam, baby, it wouldn't be the first time I've slept with you naked."

"Ooh, something you want to spill, you two?"

"Er, no, Paul, nothing like that. We just snuggle. Lots." Okay, so I've a dopey grin on my face, but what the hell? She really is a beautiful woman.

"Am I going to be safe with you two?" she's asking, her eyes are twinkling at me.

"Perfectly. I'm getting married in the morning, and Paul..." I let my answer trail off while he cracks up.

"Sorry, Sam, but you are perfectly safe with me too, as is every other woman in the universe, so don't take it personally. Daniel, however..."

"Is in deep shit. Cut it out you two, much as being the filling of a nympho sandwich has its merits, I am not going to spend the night having hot and sweaty sex with you. If anyone gets that it's Jack, and it's not allowed. I am a man of virtue and honour I'll have you know. Stop laughing, it's true."

"Okay, I know you never cheated on me Daniel, but I have two words for you. Potomac Bridge."

Sam's face is a picture as I go bright-red. Ridiculous. I'm in bed with two beautiful people, one of whom I love to distraction, the other one I love too, and I know every inch of his body, and I'm not blushing about that.

"I have got to know. What happened. Spill it you guys, or I'll tell everyone your dirty secrets."

She won't, I know that, but I spill anyway.

"Potted version. Loads of wine, clubbing, much silliness, dare, nakedness and the underside of a bridge in DC."

"Wish I'd seen that."

"Oh no you don't," says Paul, blushing at the memory of his own part in this escapade. "Not unless you've got a kink."

"For what?" Don't pull the sweet and innocent routine on me, Samantha Carter, I know you far too well.

I tell her, making Paul blush even more. It's his fault, shouldn't have brought it up.

"Steamy, sweaty, full-on, hard-core, career-fucking dangerous, pornographic male-on-male sex. Happy now?"

"Eep." Got you, you shouldn't have asked.

"I wonder how Jack is settling down?" I ask, trying to picture him between Teal'c and Janet. The other two are howling at the thought. Poor man, Janet's going to eat him alive, and I left him with a hard-on you could have run a flag up. Just before we separated for the night, I pulled him into a shadow, kissed him like I'd never see him again, told him I loved him in loads of different languages - he has a thing for that - then left him. Just like I did in my office. How's he going to explain his boner in the morning to Janet? I know she's a once-married doctor, who's been there, seen it, done it, but this is Jack we're talking about. I got one once, the first time she and Sam shared my bed with me. She was on one side, Sam was on the other and I woke up so hard it hurt. Janet's a git, she pulled the covers back and declared that she was impressed. I, of course, hit a cold shower before she could say anything else. Ah well, if I wake up with one in the morning, they both know me well enough to tease the shit out of me. They won't take it personally.

Okay, I did wake up with one, pointing in Paul's direction, so that's not quite so bad.

"Pleased to see me?" he says with a grin.

"'ckoffPaul." I haven't had any coffee yet and he knows what I'm like.

"Yeah Daniel, love you too." Ha!

"Hmm, Daniel? Coffee?" Sam's as much as caffeine junkie as I am.

"Send Mr. Perky," I say, turning around and snuggling up with her. Thank God the little linguist was deflated by now.

Paul bounces off the mattress and grabs his clothes, unaware that he's being watched. As he bends over to put his boxers on Sam says, "Hmm, can see why you stayed with him, Daniel, not bad at all."

"Oh yeah," I say, "always a nice view."

AARGH! GET OFF PAUL! He bounces on me, laughing all the while. I sit up and he goes flying off the bed. Oops. Sorry Paul, I forget how strong I am now.

There's a knock on the door. It's Janet.

"Hi guys, am I missing out on the fun?"

"C'mere," I say, "a kiss for the condemned man?"

She comes over and gives me a huge kiss and a hug. Paul looks put out.

"I see you didn't want one from me."

He means me, but Janet goes to him, "Aw honey, I'll give you a kiss," AND SHE DOES! Boy, does she ever. If I know Janet we're talking a real Frenchie too. Hahahaha! His face is a picture. To his credit he recovers beautifully.

"Well, Doc, it's been a while since I got kissed by a girl," nice term, Paul, "and it was a very nice kiss, but that certainly reminded me of why I'm gay. Thanks a lot, dear." Sam and I crack up, closely followed by Jan.

"Typical," she says, "all the decent men in my life are either married or gay."

"I'm neither, yet."

"May as well be both, sugar. If I tried to run off with you now Jack would have my hide. You don't even have the decency to be bi, Paul, at least that would've given me some hope."

"Janet, darling," he's purring, "'some hope' is all you have." Miaow.

He's dressed now and he makes good his escape. "Hey Daniel," says Janet, "he's good at the comebacks."

"Plenty of practise on me. How's Jack?"

"Behaving himself like you wouldn't believe." She tells us about last night and how embarrassed he was and we laugh. Never said I wasn't cruel, did I? She throws me some underwear from my pack and I get it on under the covers.

"Don't get dressed, honey, you're going to be given some robes or something."

"Why does that fill me with dread?" I ask, throwing my pants on anyway.

"As long as they smell better than the ones you have from Abydos. What is that smell on them?" Sam's throwing a T-shirt on, also aimed at her by Jan.

"Mastage, it's a huge, hairy, smelly beast they have. The robe is made from mastage hair. Itches like you wouldn't believe, but there's precious little else they can wear."

"Perhaps we could trade cloth with them for something."

"Oh yeah, Egyptian cotton, that'd go down a treat out there. Good thinking Jan."

The door opens and Paul comes in, bringing the local equivalent of coffee. I refuse to drink it and they crack up. I ask for some boiling water. I'll sink so low as to drink the freeze-dried I bring as emergency rations. No way am I ever drinking a local stimulant, not ever again.

Not someone else, this place is getting busier by the moment. I'm glad that Sam has slipped some knickers on, or the local guy that just came in would be getting an eyeful. She's slid her legs out from under the sheets, and Sam has long, long, beautiful legs. Remind me why I'm with Jack again? Oh yeah, he loves me. Not to mention he's a god under the covers. On the covers. The floor, the sofa, back seat of his truck, the back garden, the stairs, my apartment (all of it). Come to think of it, anywhere.

The robes have arrived. They're blue. To match my eyes. What is this obsession with my eyes? It's fucking intergalactic. Wherever I go, people are obsessed with my eyes. Sam's got blue eyes and nobody ever goes nuts over them. Oh no, does that mean that Jack's going to be wearing brown? I do hope not.

I complain to the gang about the colour thing. "You were expecting to wear white?" asks Paul. Very fucking funny. Watch me laugh.

I want to see Jack but I'm not allowed. Janet's had to go back to him as his attendant. I give her a kiss and tell her to pass it on to him. I can see she's going to, with interest. Damn woman's insatiable. Love her to bits.

Well that was different. Janet just came back, kissed me insensible and then told me that it was from Danny. She's one hell of a woman. Her old man hit her - once. She floored him for it and walked out. If I ever get my hands on the bastard I'll rip his head off. Once Sam and Daniel have finished with him, that is. They have plans to make him suffer. And they are very good at making people suffer. Tweedles Dum and Dee are renowned at the SGC for their ability to hold a grudge and payback. Oh no, just realised. Tonight. Our first night as a 'married' couple and that bastard is going to hold out on me, I just know it. I couldn't even jerk off last night after he left me with that boner to end all boners. The bathrooms here have paper-thin walls, I'd have been sussed in a second. He's going to hold out on me and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't force him, I wouldn't if I could, but he's nearly as big as me and virtually as strong, so even a little play roughness has to be done carefully and with him consenting all the way, or I get hospitalised. Persuasion isn't going to work, either. He's held out on me before, at home, with all the tools of seduction at hand. Log fire, brandy, chocolate, ice cream, all his vices. The bastard still said 'no' because I'd pissed him off at work.

Tonight is going to be hell. He's going to wind me up and leave me hanging. At least I'm hoping we'll be home and I can jerk off in private. I know him, he won't even go to his own place, but he'll drape himself over me in bed, naked, beautiful, sexy as hell. I've been through torture, physical and mental, but nothing, nothing, is as painful as Danny saying 'no'.

My robe's arrived. A nice emerald-green. Teal'c and Jan are helping me put it on. There's silver thread running through it, real silver by the looks of it. Janet says it's to go with my hair. Then she teases me about Daniel's robes, not telling me what they look like but I can't wait to see him in them.

Time to leave. We've eaten breakfast, laughed at Jan's story of how Daniel refused the coffee, and now it's time to go. The ceremony is going to take place by the side of the lake. I'm striding across the field, Teal'c on my right, Janet on my left. They've been lent robes too. Janet's is green like mine, and she looks very sexy in it, and Teal'c looks regal in his purple robe. I'm looking to the lake, I can see Sam and Paul. Sam's in a fantastic blue robe and Paul's also in purple. Must have something to do with their roles. Oh. If Sam's in blue then...

Wow. He was standing behind them, the ground a little lower so I couldn't see him. He just turned to look at me, Sam and Paul separated and I saw him for the first time. I can't breathe. I'm not close enough to see his eyes, but I know that they are going to be even bluer than normal. He looks like something out of a novel, the fair-haired hero. He hasn't cut his hair since half of it was shaved off when he bust his skull - he had it all cut off at the time, real short, looked strange. It's shoulder-length now and the breeze on this glorious day is blowing it out of his face. The smile he gives me makes my heart stop. I have never seen him smile like that for anyone other than me. How could I ever have doubted how he felt? It's taking all my control not to run to him and sweep him up in my arms. I think I just fell in love all over again.

We get close and he whispers to me, "God Jack, you look incredible. I've never seen anyone look so beautiful." Me? Has he looked in a mirror?

"Danny, um, babe, have you seen yourself? Wow, I'm absolutely lost for words, here. Completely gone. It's head over heels time all over again." I'm rewarded with that smile again. I can die happy now, I don't think a single moment in time could ever make me feel better.

The ceremony starts, Teal'c's translating for us, Daniel and I aren't allowed to speak yet, apparently. We're being bound up, our wrists tied together. I can just hear Danny's thoughts, comparing this practise to others that he's studied, it's written all over his face. Oh, we have to stay like this for twenty-four hours. More words. Hell, twenty-four hours? I won't even be able to take a crap in peace. If that doesn't test our loyalty, nothing will. The food here is really spicy. More words. Yadda yadda. WHAT?! NO SEX?? FOR HOW FUCKING LONG???? Forty-eight hours. Forty-eight hours where we have to prove our love and devotion to each other before we can be seen to be married. I don't believe this. Okay, I'm not saying that I'm going through this for the treaty, though that is how it's going to be reported if, if, it becomes necessary. I'm doing this because I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else in my life. Barring Charlie of course. But forty-eight hours? On top of the last twenty-four? This is a breach of my human rights here. Call the UN, there has got to be some sort of clause in the Geneva Convention. Oh that's it, rock boy, laugh it up. I can see it in your eyes.

That smile again, the one that makes me glad to be alive, and more importantly, glad to be me. Okay, I can do this. After all, I went years without getting any. But then I wasn't with Daniel at the time and now it is so hard. Ouch, that was a very unfortunate turn of phrase.

Party time. Now we can talk. In fact we're encouraged to. Talk, eat, drink, more talk. Love you Danny, but do we really have to do this? We do. He has to feed me, and I have to feed him. We do this at home, of course we do, but it's usually before or after (and sometimes during) sex. Not in public. I am so glad that Hammond isn't here.

Where are we going now? Daniel says it's all part of the bonding ceremony. What? A tattoo?

"I tried to tell you yesterday, Jack, but you blanked me out again. Look, it's just a small tattoo, on your arm. I know you haven't had one before, neither have I, but it's hardly going to be out of place at the SGC. Have you seen the marines? It's going to be two letters, J and D, or rather the cuneiform equivalents. Bear in mind that very few people on Earth can read cuneiform, nobody is going to have a clue what it stands for. Do it for me, please?"

"Will it make you happy?" I sigh.

"Only if you are. If we don't do this, the ceremony can't continue. I'll understand, Jack. You don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"Danny, you are prepared to get yourself marked for life for me, it's the least I can do for you."

OUCH! OW, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, fucking OW! That hurts. The things I do for Daniel, the SGC, my country and Earth. Notice I put Daniel first there. Hell, I'd get my butt tattooed for him, but don't tell him that, I don't want it tattooed.

The letters are entwined. They tattoo them so they're permanent. Like us. Not a bad idea, really. We have to keep them bandaged for a couple of days though, to keep them clean. Oh boy, George is going to be in for a shock.

Jack's pissed. Sam and Janet apparently have to share our bed tonight. With us. Paul and Teal'c have to sleep on the floor and act as witnesses that we behaved ourselves with the girls. What is it with these people that they don't trust us? It was hard enough going to the bathroom tied up together, but sleeping is going to be very difficult indeed. The girls got changed and got into bed, we got changed in the bathroom, with much hilarity because of the tied hands thing. I will never complain about not being able to hold hands with him again, this is getting painful. Fortunately, the robes tie up at the side, guess they were designed for this. We did get a chance to have a good, long, hard, passionate kiss though, so things aren't all bad. How are we going to get into bed without the girls looking? We have to climb over one of them. It would be Janet, wouldn't it? She's swearing her eyes are shut, but I don't believe the little minx for one moment.

Ow, can't lie on my arm, the tattoo hurts, but I feel vulnerable on my back and I've never been able to sleep like it. Unless Jack's lying across my chest or I'm doped up to the eyeballs, obviously. Ah, that's better, a bit of wrangling and I'm wrapped up in Jack. Paul and Teal'c have come in. It's okay for them, they get to wear clothes tonight because they're not going to be in bed. Sam's on my side. She's wrapped herself in a sheet. So has Janet. That leaves one sheet between Jack and myself. Oh dear, what a pity, never mind. No blankets though, this place is hot at night.

Ugh, wake up to find myself still plastered to Jack and the girls watching us and giggling. WHAT? Oh. Pull the sheet back over us. Thanks a lot guys, thought you were on our side. Just wait until tonight. It's your turn. And the girls' turn to watch. Could this get any worse?

Party time again. More food, drink, talk, drink, food. Oh, and Jack and I got to exchange vows. They were pre-written, a bit like the ones you get in church. All we had to do was say 'I will'. I had to teach it to Jack and then prod him every time it was his turn to speak. He fell asleep at the party later and I prodded him awake. He woke up yelling 'I will' and making everybody laugh.

Tattoo's not so painful today though, so that's an improvement. More food and drink. I don't believe this place. I remember parties on Abydos (well, remember is used in its loosest sense here). They went on for days at a time. I hope this one ends tomorrow. This holding out on Jack has been fun, but the novelty's beginning to wear off. I just want to take him home, strip him off and show him exactly what he's been missing out on these last few days.

Can't think, too much drink. Hmm, Paul, still got a cute ass. Not my Jack though. Where's Jack? Not tied up anymore. Like being tied up. Paul knows that, don't you dear?

"Daniel, shh, Jack will get mad. <hic> Can't tell him stuff like that <burp> love you loads though."

Girls snoring, absoloooootly smashed. Jaaaaaack? Where are you? C'mere Jack.

Snoring, loud snoring. Baffroom? Teal'c, where's Jack?

Ah, there's Jack. Fank oo Teal'c. Gimme. Snuggle, Jack likes to snuggle. Gonna feel bad in the mornin'.

Oh. My. God. Gonna hurl. "Gangway!" Made it, thank God. Oh fuck, now naked and throwing up in an alien bathroom, headache to rival any I have ever had before, surrounded by laughing women. Not good, this is not good. Go away wench, leave me to die in peace, will you?

Jack, ah my Jack. You'll send them away won't you? Harpies, the pair of them. What? Move? Why? Oh! Not just me being sick is it? No room Paul, find your own toilet.

OH GOD NO! They want us to eat - again! These people are party mad. Last stretch though and then we can go home. Much as I appreciate what they've done for us, I want my own bed, without the added extras. I also want Jack, on his own, naked, spread out and willing. Hell, I'll do the spread out and willing as long as I get the naked Jack bit.

Finally. This is it. According to their customs, Jack and I are now married. Whoo momma, don't want to explain this one to the General. Think we'll have to tell him though, could get embarrassing if he finds out. Hassim and his people have been sworn to secrecy, but they can't see what all the fuss is about. Told them I'll draw up a treaty in accordance with what we've agreed and Kovachek's diplomatic team can come and do the paper signing bit. I give Hassim the co-ordinates of Omorocca's planet and show him how to dial it up. Good people. I want to leave them now.

Home, at last. Hammond's waiting for us. I'm reasonably sober, somehow avoiding most of the excesses of today, but the others are plastered.

"Welcome back, how did it go?"

I'd better speak before someone else does. "We have an agreement, Sir, weapons for medicine. It's a sweet deal for both sides. I'll draw up the papers asap. In the meantime, Sir, I think we all need to go home. Um, could you have someone drive us though, none of us are in a fit state."

"Perhaps you should stay on the base until tomorrow, Dr. Jackson." We're walking out of the gateroom now. Well, Hammond, Teal'c and I are walking, the others are staggering.

"Oh no Sir, I think our own beds are going to do us much more good. We're not sick, just trying to overcome a three day party."

"I see." I can see too. He's not happy. I'm gonna have to tell him. I grab him and steer him to the nearest gents toilet, kicking open the cubicle doors to make sure that there's no one listening. This is one of the few places on the base with no cameras.

"Look, General, or rather I'm talking to George here, okay?" A look of dread settles over his face as he nods and swallows hard.

"It's a long story how things got to this, but Jack and I got, well, hitched."


"Yeah, you know, sort of married."

"Married? Sort of? Have you any idea what you have just done?"

"Made a commitment to stay with the man I love more than anything else in the world, Sir. Look, I told you because you're a friend. No one else needs to know. The others already knew about us, they'll keep the secret. "

"Major Davis?"

I shift about, blushing. "Um don't ask, please. We had to do this or the deal would have been off, and we didn't want to do that, Sir. The weapons, well they're Goa'uld busters."

He mutters something about the world being saved by a bunch of fairies and then shrugs, grins, says to get checked out at the infirmary and go home for forty-eight hours. Then come back, work like stink and draw up the document.

I was going to ask for longer for a honeymoon, but I don't think I'll push it.

Home. At last. Where's Daniel? He's not going to hold out on me anymore. I won't let him. I've drunk more coffee since I got back to the base than I ever have before. I am now much more sober, my arm still hurts from the tattoo. Looks good though, even if that sadistic nurse did rip the covering off it. It's been cleaned up and we've both been given antibiotics just in case. Janet saw the tattoos being done and agreed that everything looked clean. What were we thinking?

Danny? Where are you? Oh, there you are, just how I like you. Naked and sprawled across my bed. What's that? Our bed. Yeah, I like that. C'mere, want you Danny. You are officially mine. I've gotten the ring, the tattoo, been through the ceremony and you get to call my mother 'Mom'. It doesn't get better than this.

Daniel, wake up. Come on, Danny, not now. OH GOD NO! He's snoring, out cold. I don't believe this. Finally get the love of my life back home, naked, apparently willing and he falls asleep on me. Typical. Ho hum, there's always tomorrow.