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Anagrams

Summary: Short, dumb and dumber fic. Written as I played the game. The words in the list actually came up in that order, believe it or not. Thanks to Joy for enduring it.


"'Emu gel'."

"Huh?"

"Anagram - look, it's a game I downloaded off the web. A trial thing. Anyway, 'emu gel'."

"Oh. 'Legume'."

"Legume?"

"Yeah."

"Fuck me. You're right."

"Naturally. And was that my prize?"

"Get out of here!"

"Oh, I thought you wanted my help."

"Yes, I do. C'mere. I'm running out of time."

"Let's see. Right. Make as many words as you can... so... 'mug', 'gum', 'gee', 'gem', 'gel'..."

"Hang on, I need to get them in. Hell, I'm out of time. You need the biggest word or you can't go on to the next one."

"I see. Okay then, click the button and we'll see what's next."

"P.R. Rope."

"Sounds binding."

"Daniel..."

"'Proper'. Oh, you've done it. Okay, 'pore', 'prep'... done? 'prop', 'err', try 'Pope'."

"Isn't that a proper word?"

"Well, yeah, isn't that the point? See? They've got it in there."

"Well, it shouldn't be there - it's not supposed to have proper names. It's degrading to whoever it is if they spell it without the capital. Reminds me of the tacky stuff they sell at the Vatican gift shops."

"Huh?"

"Ya know - 'Pope on a rope' and all."

*snigger* "You've been to the Vatican?"

"Sure. I was stationed in Italy for a while. What's a good Catholic boy to do but go and visit and get a present for his mom."

"The advantage of no parents."

"I'm outta time again. Got 'ore', 'rep', 'pep', 'pop', 'per'..."

"You ever done those?"

"What?"

"Poppers."

"Nah. Don't need 'em."

"Don't knock it till you try it."

"You done 'em?"

"Sure. Try pretty much anything once. The only things I won't do is hard drugs. Coke, heroin, that sort of thing."

"Ah - hard drugs - the preserve of morons."

"Precisely. Anyway, you going to click again?"

*Howl*

"Jack?"

"Doesn't take a genius to work that one out, Daniel."

"No, you're right. 'Pricks'. How apt."

"So, 'prick', 'sick'..."

"Like I said, how apt."

"You gonna help or bitch?"

"Can't I do both?"

"Not in the allotted time span."

"Spoilsport. Okay. 'Rick', 'ricks', 'irk', 'irks', 'risk', 'sip', 'sir', 'ski'..."

"The joys of the letter S."

"I can think of other things beginning with S that I'd rather do. Or have."

"Have mercy! I'm a sick man!"

"I think we'd already established that, Jack."

"Oh my, wouldja look at that?"

"What?"

"Not that. That!"

"'El colon', Jack?"

"It's 'colonel'."

"Jack, we've been lovers for a long time, I think we can drop the rank thing."

"The word, dummy."

"I know. Look - another apt choice. 'One', 'lone', 'cel'."

"'Once', 'cool'."

"'Con', 'loco', 'loon'."

"Moving swiftly on..."

"What, can't take the truth, Jack?"

"Humph. 'Kid nun.' There's the church for you - start 'em young."

"'Dun ink'. Sounds like a colour for the boring man."

"'Dunkin'?"

"This is an anagram game not a list of takeout doughnut places. Um, 'dunk', 'inn'." *snigger*

"Daniel?"

"'Duk Inn' - sounds like a pub I used to frequent in Oxford. Ah - 'unkind'."

"I hadn't said anything!"

"No, that's the word. And you'd better get a move on. Phew, just in time. Next?"

"Why don't you take over? You can click quicker than me."

"Any excuse."

"I've got a bit of a headache."

"Don't I know it. You've had one for days. My right hand is getting calloused."

"It'll match your tongue. I don't know anything more callous than that."

"I can go home, you know. You can be sent back to the infirmary and to Janet's tender care."

"Eek! No. Please. Anything but that. The mood she was in when she volunteered you to look after me..."

"She'd had you there for forty-eight hours, Jack. That's all."

"I outstayed you. She usually kicks you out after twenty-four."

"Humph. HAH!"

"What? Oh! 'Sidekick'? No, too many letters. Put 'dicks' in and see..."

"Nah - it won't. But... yeah. 'Dickies'."

"Huh?"

"Dickie bows? Anyway; 'ski', 'skied', 'deck', 'decks', 'desk', 'disc', 'disk'."

"'Dike', 'dikes', 'skid', 'kid', 'kids'..."

"God, I'll never get it all in."

"You will. You always do."

"Jack?"

"Daniel?"

"Shut up."

*snigger. "Okay, time's up. Next?"

"You sure you want to continue?"

"Sure. I mean, aren't you having fun?"

"Of course I am. But the two of us are fully clothed and lying together on your bed. What's wrong with this picture?"

"I'm sick!"

"You have the end of the flu. Now it's regressed to a bit of a cold. No worse than the one that I've got. If you were going to give me the flu bug, chances are you've already done it. Besides, I took advantage of the flu innoculation."

"You had to. What with your allergies and all."

"Yeah, and the asthma."

"You have asthma?"

"You spend all your life allergic to various things and not get it. It's only mild, nothing to worry about."

"When did you get that?"

"I've had it for a while. About a year or so."

"And I wasn't told, why?"

"You weren't? I thought you would have been. Sorry. Didn't think it would matter. It doesn't stop me doing my job."

"I'm not worried about that, Daniel. I'm worried about you. You're sure you're okay?"

"It's mild asthma, Jack, not double pneumonia. I'm fine. I only need to use the inhaler every so often, honestly. God, anyone would think you cared or something."

"You know I do."

"Sorry - I was trying for a bit of teasing sarcasm there. It obviously failed miserably."

"I didn't notice any difference from your normal scathing tone."

"Huh. Okay, you want to play again?"

"Go on, let's see what else it comes up with."

"It's the only thing that is after all."

"Daniel, you've been four days without sex. Four. God help me if you go a week."

"Who said I'd last that long?"

"How did you manage before we hooked up?"

"Who said I did?"

"Daniel?"

"..."

"Daniel?"

*HOWL, SNORT, OW* "You are so fuckin' easy to wind up, O'Neill."

"'Luny ham'. Shit, they do know you."

"Of course. 'Humanly'. 'Human', 'manly'..."

"'Lay', 'any', 'man'; 'lam', 'many'; 'hymnal', 'nay'..."

"Fuck off."

"Click away, Daniel."

"Here we go. Hmm. 'Try', 'lot', 'toy', 'oil', 'girl', 'trio', 'orgy', 'glory'..."

"'Got', 'rot', 'rig', 'gory', 'riot', 'grit'..."

"'Trilogy!'"

"Oh yeah. And I'm glad no one's listening in to us."

"Why?"

"'Girl', 'orgy', 'trio', 'oil', Daniel?"

"'Riot', 'gory', rot,', Jack?"

"Sheesh. You can see where our minds are."

"On the game. Which isn't the game they should be on."

"See? You're fucking obsessed."

"That's apposite. Anyway, yeah, I am."

"Have you done any of that?"

"What?"

"Orgies? Toys? Trios?"

"Uh, yeah."

"What was that?"

*cough* "Yeah. You haven't?"

"No."

"Sorry?"

"No. Until I met you my sex life was safely vanilla. Excluding that time in Hamburg."

"What time in Hamburg."

"Well, I could tell ya, but then I'd have to shoot you."

"Right."

"It's true!"

"I'm sure you can tell me something, Jack."

"Well, I did spend some time on the Reeperbahn and the adjoining Gro▀e Freiheit."

"Tell me more. Did you visit anywhere, er, interesting?"

"Sure. There's this Catholic Church in the middle of the vice district. Built back in the early eighteenth century, it had to be rebuilt after the war. The fašade is still in the baroque style."

"You're telling me you went to one of the hottest red-light districts on the entire fucking planet and you went to church?"

"As well as, er, other things."

"Spill, O'Neill."

"Oh, um, well, there was Madame Sonya. The Russian *cough, splutter*dominatrix*cough*."

"Dominatrix?"

"I was undercover! Frequently."

"You're into that?"

"What?"

"D&S?"

"Not as such, no."

"Not S&M?"

"No, definitely not that far."

"A bit of 'bondage and discipline?' Stop fidgeting! Talk, O'Neill. It's okay, I'm not going to laugh."

"Well... ooh, would you look at that word? That's going to be a tough one."

"Granary."

"Shit."

"No, we won't get that out of it. 'Nary', 'any', 'yarn', though. It seems appropriate."

"Humph. 'Gay', 'nag', 'angry'. Yeah, you're right."

"Next. Huh? God, this lot is a mix."

"A Bishop."

"I'm getting seriously worried, Jack."

"You are?"

"Yeah. You're not finding your religion again, are you? I mean, it'll be hard enough for you to face down Hammond if he finds out about us, but if you have to go to confession as well..."

"I'm not. I've seen way too much for that. Besides, Hammond knows."

"He does?!"

"Sure. Why else would Janet have had orders to kick me out into your tender care?"

"Because he's a sadist?"

"Could be. But I didn't think I'd pissed him off that much."

"We're running out of time. 'Sap', 'sip', 'soap', 'hip', 'ship', 'hips'..."

"'Boa', 'boas', 'bash', 'bosh', 'sob'."

"'Phobias!'"

"Nope, I haven't got any... oh, I see what you mean. Yeah."

"'Scorn E.R."

"I do that - I come home rather than bother the medics."

"Don't I know it. Then it's 'Daniel, where's the medicine?' 'Corners'."

"King of the non-sequitur strikes again. And I'm not that bad. I know where the painkillers are kept."

"It's the word - see? And you are."

"Oh. Oka-y; 'con', 'corn', 'crone', 'score'."

"Sheesh - this game is the only place I'm going to do that, that's for sure."

"What?"

"Score. Moving swiftly on, 'scorer', which I most definitely am not, 'sore', which you should be, 'roe', 'roes', 'rose'. And that reminds me, Jack."

"What now?"

"Much as it was very sweet and all, just why did you send me roses last week? I mean, I appreciated it, but it was really hard explaining them to the marines that were in my office getting instructions. Having them delivered to me at work was not one of your more subtle ideas."

"It was our anniversary!"

"I know. And I thought it was very sweet. Even if I am allergic to them. But the meal after work was enough, hun. Just to know you remembered was something special, okay?"

"Okay. Next time it will be to your place, all right? Is there any flower you're not allergic to?"

"Silk ones."

"That good, eh?"

"Got it in one, O'Neill. I did appreciate the thought behind it though."

"So, what will you prefer then? I want to get you things. I dunno, it's..."

"Romantic?"

"Yeah. But if you tell anyone I'm going to have to kill you. I can't let all my secrets out."

"Jewellery?"

"What sort?"

"Um, earring? Navel ring?"

"You can wear one of those?"

"Sure."

"You don't."

"Not at work, no. Besides, I'm kind of testing the water here. I wasn't sure how you'd take to me wearing any of my stuff, so I never have. Not with you around anyway."

"It's cool. Does the navel ring do what they say it does?"

"What do you mean?"

"If you wear it and I tug it?"

"Yeah. It does. My dick'll stand to attention in no time."

"Sweet. Wear one. And sure, I'll get you something like that instead. You haven't got a nipple pierced have you?"

"No, but I can get it done if you want."

"You'd do that for me?"

"You bought flowers for me - it's the least I can do."

"And you say that I'm the romantic in this relationship."

*Snort* "Just say the word, Jack. And talking of words... 'stun', 'nuts'..."

"Like I said, obsessed. OW! You didn't have to hit me. Okay, okay; 'unit', 'units', 'dust'."

"'Sin', 'stud'... don't say a word, Jack."

"Who me? *Howl!* I've got it!"

"Is it infectious?"

"Could be. *grin* 'Nudist'. Feel like catching it?"

"Catching what?"

"Nudity."

"I thought you weren't interested."

"It must be the fever. I'm getting kinda hot."

"You're always hot, Jack."

"I am? Oh! Well. Um. One last game?"

"Why?"

"I'm feeling lucky."

"You're the only one. Here you are. 'F.N.O.U.S.T.'"

"'Founts'."

"Yeah, got to be. HUH? It won't accept it."

"Stupid game. Put up some smaller words, perhaps it will trigger something off."

"All right. 'Nuts', 'oft', 'out'."

"'Soft', 'not', 'fun'."

"'Oust', 'snout'."

"I can't see it, Daniel, and we're running out of time."

"Crap. That's it. 'Futons'. Of course. Well, perhaps it was telling us something?"

"What?"

"Well, a futon is a type of bed after all."

"So it is."

"There. Laptop shut and on the floor. You want to, er, take a nap?"

"I could, I could... I don't really want to be alone. Damn, Danny, you can strip quickly when you want to."

"I'm motivated."

"Me too. Watch."

"Wow. A blur, O'Neill, nothing less than a blur."

"It's amazing what this old man can do."

"Old? Uh huh. Sexy."

"Eep! You're looking predatory."

"I am? Good. I'm feeling it. You feeling that Jack?"

"YES! And that."

"Good. How about this?"

"WOOHOO. Um, yes, thank you, I am. What in heaven's name are you doing?"

"Lie back and relax, Jack. I see that a bit of you is swollen. Like a good doctor, I have to reduce the swelling. Now, I have a choice."

"You do?"

"Sure. Suction or..."

"Or?"

"Ice pack."

"Daniel!"

"I take it you want to try suction?"

"Oh yeah."

"Like thmms?"

"Hmm."

*Slurp, suck, lick* "Ammd thmms?"

"God yeah!"

*Prod, probe, slurp, suck, lick* "Hmm? Cn't hmmr yummm."

"What?"

"Can't hear you."

"GET YOUR HEAD BACK DOWN THERE! And stop sniggering, it tickles."

*Tickle, touch, prod, probe, slurp, suck, lick* "Hmm."

"OhmygodDanielI'mgonna... whoo ya!"

"Better?"

"Much. You want me to take care of you now?"

"If it's not too much trouble, please."

"Not in the slightest. Lie back and let Doctor Jack relieve the pressure."

*ACHOO!*

"Daniel?"

*ACHOO ACHOO!*

"Daniel?"

"All of a sudden, I don't feel very well, Jack."

"Damn, you've got a temperature. Why didn't you say before?"

"I felt fine till my head hit the pillow. It must have been because I was upright before. OW! I don't believe it. Sinus headache."

"Ouch. Okay, you lie there and I'll get you some stuff."

"Fucking typical. I wait for days to get some, then when I was about to get it, I get hit instead."

"The story of our lives, babe. Nevermind. In four days, you'll be feeling well enough to get it up again."

"FOUR DAYS? OW! No!"

"When your headache's gone, I'll power up the laptop again."

"No anagram game, Jack."

"Why not?"

"You saw what it did to you. After four days, that would constitute 'cruel and unusual punishment'."

"Poor baby. Just shut your eyes and rest. When you wake up, I'll 'faye acute rook'."

"Huh?"

"Take care of you."

"Ugh."