Summary: It's horrible. Don't say I didn't warn you. Blame the Glorious One for this one, something she said triggered the whole story. I'm not taking any blame for it at all.
SG-1 stepped through the gate and emerged to a prehistoric landscape. Primordial ooze, well, oozed pretty much everywhere.
"There shouldn't be any animals," said Sam, "this place is too undeveloped for that."
Jack looked at her, scratched his ass with his gun, screwed his face up and shook his head.
"Ya know, whenever someone says something STUPID like that, we end up nearly getting eaten by a monster."
"O'Neill, I do not believe we have ever come close to being eaten by monsters," Teal'c's voice rang out in the unnatural silence that bathed the world.
Daniel raised a finger and said, "Uh, excuse me. I seem to remember that I almost got eaten by a monster. If I hadn't had that ration bar..." He let his voice trail off and gave a dramatic shudder.
Jack put his hand on Daniel's shoulder. He was feeling... benevolent would be a good word. Yeah, benevolent. He was going to be kind to Daniel. Or Daniel wouldn't be kind to him. And at the moment, Jack had absolutely no intention of pissing Daniel off. Not when they had plans for their return. Who'da thunk it, eh? His sweet and innocent archaeologist wasn't. Sweet or innocent that is. He was in fact permanently horny, experienced in more things than Jack had even heard of - not to mention he was a prize pervert. Jack couldn't believe his luck.
Carefully they picked their way over the rocks and tried to avoid the sludge that seemed to pour out of the ground in places you wouldn't expect. They were headed to a place that the geologists had wanted a sample from. Jack wanted to go home. Daniel wanted to go home. They had far better things to do than tiptoe through gunge. Sam was pretty happy, and Teal'c was Teal'c, stoically putting up with whatever crap people threw at him. In the sanctuary of his own mind though, he was carefully noting the behaviours of his friends, especially the men. He was certain that they had got together and was watching them as they carefully flirted with each other, never overstepping the mark of friendship but just pushing very closely to the edge. Teal'c was taking notes because there was this very pretty nurse he fancied and wanted to see if he could pick up some tips without being blatant about it.
Daniel trudged towards the glistening rocks that were their goal. He still couldn't believe his luck. Despairing that Jack would ever take the hint and get down and boogie with him he had taken his life into his hands and ambushed his best friend.
Daniel fought back a smirk as he remembered that night. He had invited Jack over for dinner. Nothing unusual in that. He had been wearing his usual 'clueless' kit at work (nondescript trousers and a plaid shirt), putting over the impression to the gullible staff at the SGC that he had no idea of his own attractiveness. When Jack had appeared at his doorstep though he was in his skintight black 501s, his skimpiest black T-shirt and had nothing on his feet. He'd left his glasses off and put his contacts in and Jack did a double take as he saw his friend properly for the first time. Dinner had been amusing as Daniel had pulled out all the stops and provided the two of them with a three course meal full of the finest things. Jack hadn't taken his eyes off Daniel's lips once when he ate the asparagus tips, slowly licking the sauce off them before, well, going down on them would be a good description. Jack's eyes had fallen to the linguist's throat when he'd tipped back his head to let the oysters slip down. He found watching him tackling the chocolate mousse, licking the spoon clean as he did, breathtaking to say the least.
Still, he had been the perfect gentleman throughout, and Daniel had got frustrated. In the end he had started a fight over nothing, giving them the opportunity to vent. Jack's capacity for rational thought had upped and died the second that Daniel grabbed him and kissed him. By the time he had been kissed for the second time he had waved his heterosexuality goodbye and willingly been introduced to the hormonal whirlwind that was his favourite linguist. Daniel showed him what else he could do with his tongue later that night and Jack was again impressed by his versatility.
Daniel threw a shy glance at his lover, getting a grin in return. They both knew what they had waiting for them when they got home. Daniel had described in graphic detail just what his plans were for Jack the second they got through the door. It was going to start by Daniel slamming him up against said door and going down on his knees, taking Jack in his mouth - whole. Jack let out a whimper as that thought jumped into his head, earning him a funny look from the others as he did. He pretended that he'd not said anything and moved up to take point from Teal'c. He couldn't watch Daniel's ass anymore. Not now that he knew just how sweet it really was under those BDUs.
They reached the shining rocks and started chipping away at them, chatting among themselves about inconsequential things. Or in Sam's case things the others had no idea what she was talking about, but they loved her dearly, so they hummed and hawed in all the right places. Night started to fall, so Jack insisted that they set up camp. Daniel and Sam put the tents up, Teal'c collected enough wood for a fire and Jack supervised.
They sat around the fire, eating their MREs, making the chicken jokes, laughing it up all the while. Daniel sat next to Jack, letting his leg rub against his lover's and making his breath hitch. He fought back the laughter that threatened to leave him as he turned to Jack, lecturing him on prehistoric landscapes as all the while his hand would touch Jack's thigh, his thumb gently stroking Jack's leg. To the others it looked innocent, the men often touched each other as they spoke, to underline the things they would say.
Jack would have coped better if Daniel hadn't said the night before that every time he touched Jack he was imagining touching his bare flesh. He'd told Jack that he wanted to make love to him. When Jack had asked if what they had been doing wasn't that, Daniel had looked at him, looked at his ass and then smirked. Jack had 'eeped' as he realised just what Daniel wanted. Now, on this alien world, far from their bed, Daniel was acting out some of the scenarios he had put into Jack's head. He had told him how he was wanting to have him off-world, knowing that the others were nearby. How when he was touching him gently, or looking at him in a certain way, he really was wanting to go down on him, forcing Jack to rein in his tendency to scream when Daniel stuck his tongue where tongues weren't supposed to go. How he wanted to slide inside him and nail him to the ground, both of them having to keep quiet so the others wouldn't know what was going on.
"Bed!" Jack hissed. "It's time for bed. Daniel, you do first watch. I'll do the second. Carter, your turn for third, Teal'c, you get to make breakfast. Now people, time to sleep."
Daniel grinned as he watched Jack retreat to the safety of his tent. He knew that they were meant to be together, the years of comradeship had proven that time and again. He'd tried hinting, even to the extent of letting Jack hold him close when he really didn't want to be held. How many of those hugs had been as if they were lovers? Straight men just didn't go around doing full body hugs, resting their heads on each other's shoulders, faces turned in towards their necks, lips almost, but not quite brushing their skin. How Jack had missed the hard-on that Daniel got whenever they were like that, he had no idea. And Jack called him clueless? How many more clues had he needed?
Loads more apparently. To the point where Daniel had to batter him over his head before it had dawned on him. To be fair, Daniel thought, Jack was a very willing student. He had launched himself with enthusiasm at every new position Daniel had introduced him to. He especially loved being buried inside his lover. Daniel couldn't wait for Jack to allow him the same privilege. He'd asked, but he wouldn't push. Not for that. It had been one thing kissing him. Jack could have stopped that at any time, but he couldn't push this. He'd told Jack that he wanted it. Now it was up to Jack to offer.
It was time for Jack's watch. Daniel crept into the tent and gently woke him with a kiss. Jack decided that being kissed awake sure beat reveille. Tongue versus bugle. No contest. Especially when the tongue in question had a very horny archaeologist attached to the other end of it.
"Time for your watch, Jack," Daniel murmured, slipping his hand inside Jack's pants and squeezing his dick gently. "Can't wait to get home. I'm going to make you scream with pleasure, Jack. It won't be my hand in your pants that time, it will be.."
"Daniel, stop it! Please. How can I watch if all I can think about is that? You're a bastard, Dr. Jackson."
"Hmm. Love you too," said Daniel with a wink as he took Jack's place in the sleeping bag.
Jack was stunned. He knew Daniel loved him. Of course he knew it. But it had never been said. Wow. Oh God. This was like - well, burning bush time. Religious revelation.
"Danny," he whispered into his ear, "I love you."
He was rewarded by a very sleepy smile.
Jack's imagination was running riot while he was on watch. Contrary to Carter's insistence, there was definitely something alive on this planet - and that something wasn't one of them. Quiet growls and screeches pierced the otherwise silent night and Jack's trigger finger twitched.
"Don't be an idiot, O'Neill," he thought to himself, "it's probably something no bigger than a rat. It's just so quiet that everything sounds loud. Yeah, that's it. Just something small... or not."
A larger, deeper growl split the silence and cold blood ran down Jack's spine. He had a very bad feeling about this.
"Guys, er, guys," he singsonged, "you'd better get up... NOW!"
Three bleary-eyed teammates appeared at the tent flaps, hands already on their various weapons. They scrambled out to join Jack, forming an out-facing circle, protecting each other's backs by watching in a 360 degree field.
"Jack, what's up?" Daniel hissed.
"Something big is out there. Something very, very big and it doesn't sound friendly."
"Ok-ay, what do you want to do about this?"
"I think we should get out of here and fast. Daniel, Carter, pack the stuff up. We've got enough samples, haven't we?"
"Yes, Sir," Sam replied.
So, while they packed, Teal'c and Jack kept watch. Every so often a low growl would remind them all to hurry up. The noise gave the impression that it came from a very large animal indeed.
"We can't go till light, Jack," Daniel pointed out. "The ground is so uneven we're likely to fall. Look, if we all stay huddled together by the fire, we should stay safe, shouldn't we?"
Jack could see the logic in that and okayed it. They threw as much of the wood as they could on the flames, trying to send out a message to whatever monster was out there to stay away. Teal'c and Sam sat back to back on one side of the fire, watching to the south and west, while Daniel and Jack did the same sitting on the other side, their watch to the north and east.
They could almost feel the air vibrate with the grumbling from whatever monster was out there - for monster it surely was.
They were running out of kindling and firewood when dawn started to break. As soon as there was sufficient light Jack gave the order to run for it. Teal'c led the way, Sam next, then Daniel, then Jack. They all ran as fast as they could, dodging outcrops of stones, puddles of goo and large primeval plants which seemed determined to drip the morning dew on them.
Sam fell, a yell from her telling the guys she was hurt.
"Damned ankle, it's broken I think." Her face was white and she was obviously in great pain. Teal'c picked her up and carried her, they didn't want to take her boot off to look just yet because the noise from the monster was catching up with them.
"Teal'c, take her straight to the gate," Jack ordered, "Daniel and I will lead the monster away."
"We will? Oh yes, we will," added Daniel, wondering why they couldn't just go with the others and fire at anything that came in sight. But then, what did he know about tactics?
Teal'c nodded and took off as quickly as he could, carrying a desperately embarrassed Sam in his arms. Jack and Daniel stood firm, waiting for the monster to make its next sound. As Teal'c disappeared from sight Jack slipped one of his arms around Daniel's waist and kissed his cheek.
"We'll be okay," he promised, trying to convince himself as much as his lover.
"Sure, Jack," Daniel agreed, a little too brightly.
And then they saw it. It was big. About twelve foot high. A midnight-blue shiny fur covered its body, its face looked about twice as big as it should be. It stood on its hind legs, its arms swinging by its side. Its eyes were huge and black, its nose flat against its face and its teeth - oy, just don't go there. It growled again.
Jack looked at Daniel.
Daniel looked at Jack.
They screamed like girls.
Then they ran like fuck to the gate.
"Teal'c, Teal'c, how close are you to the gate?" Jack panted as he called his friend.
"I have just arrived."
"Good, get out of here NOW!"
Daniel dodged up one side of a rock formation, Jack the other. The monster looked confused but followed Jack on the grounds that he was obviously the slower of the two.
Daniel saw that and stopped, screaming and yelling at the furry monster to come and get him instead. The monster stopped running, turned and looked at Daniel and... smiled? It definitely looked like a smile. He started towards Daniel, who took off as quickly as he could.
"Years of running from the Goa'uld has to count for something," he thought to himself as he skittered over stones, leaped off ledges, ran over rocks, and finally had the presence of mind to stop alliterating and start getting the hell out of Dodge.
"Danny! This way!" Jack yelled as he landed back on flat ground, taking off in a run towards the gate as soon as he could.
Daniel caught up with him fairly quickly, howling, "Why the fuck don't we shoot it, Jack?"
"You want to stop long enough to aim?"
They could see the gate, but somehow they had found themselves on the wrong side of a swamp. Damn and blast, they had to dodge around the monster and run back the way they came. Jack signalled to Daniel, getting a terse nod in return.
Three, two, one - GO!
Jack ran to the right, Daniel to the left, the monster confused as they ran either side of him and headed back along the path.
After about ten minutes Jack looked back over his shoulder.
"I think we lost it -*gasp*- Daniel -*wheeze*- let's get back to the gate as quick as we can, eh? -*ugh*"
"Catch -*puff*- breath -*pant*- first."
They stood for a few minutes, trying to regain some sort of air in their lungs. A chilling howl got their blood pumping again and they jogged around the swamp and came around the corner to the gate.
The monster was there - in front of the DHD.
"Shit. What do we do now?" Daniel moaned.
"I can't run anymore," complained Jack, "I'm getting too old for this sort of thing."
While they were talking the monster had moved close to them. They didn't take their eyes off it, and it fixed its gaze at them. Jack was about to shoot it when Daniel stopped him.
"Just wait, Jack, please. It hasn't eaten anyone yet."
Against his better judgement, Jack heroically refrained from aerating the creature. He watched dumbstruck as it slowly raised its arm, stuck out a digit and pointed at Daniel. It cocked its head to one side and did the smiley thing again. Jack's trigger finger slowly inched its way to its goal, Daniel swallowed hard. The monster's finger got closer and closer - the men held their breath. Suddenly, he poked Daniel and ran away.
Jack was sure he heard it shout...
"Tag - you're it!"