Summary: This is the answer to the payback I had to write. It had to contain a whole load of weird stuff - most of which is there. The moral of this story is - never dare a pal to rec a crapfic.
With thanks to Joy and Cats for the betas. I don't half make those two suffer -)
"Um, yeah, Jack. It's a new documentary on them. Seems that this historian has got his head out of his ass and is finally doing some serious research on them. You know, they weren't the bloodthirsty priests that the Romans made them out to be. In fact, they were teachers..."
Jack quickly placed his hand over Daniel's mouth. It was either that or get another lecture.
"Let me get this straight. You and I finally, finally have two whole weeks off, to be spent - under orders, I hasten to add - in the cabin. We are away from the SGC. We are away from alien incursions. We are away from Carter and Teal'c. And you want to sit down, watch TV and learn about DRUIDS??! What ever happened to us having some time on our own?"
At that point, the phone rang.
"You brought it."
Jack's voice was accusing. Daniel, unable to talk as Jack's hand was still over his mouth, nodded. A muffled "Hammond told me to" which sounded more like "hmm mm eee ooo" made Jack's hand vibrate.
With a growl, Jack withdrew his hand, traced the phone by its ring, then answered it.
"Teal'c. What is it you want?" Jack tried to keep his voice steady, and the frustration out of it.
"O'Neill. I need advice."
"On what I should purchase for Major Carter's birthday. I would like to buy her something... personal. However, I am, as you say, tied up at the moment and unable to visit the shopping mall."
A wicked smile passed over Jack's face.
"Just a moment, Teal'c." He put his hand over the receiver. "Daniel, did you by any chance bring your laptop?"
A little - but not too - guiltily, Daniel nodded.
"And does it have connection to the Internet from out here?"
"Um, that's a satellite phone, Jack. There's a connection."
"Good." He removed his hand from the phone and spoke into it. "Teal'c, buddy. I'll save you the trouble. I know the perfect present. Just you wait, I'll get it sent to her for you."
Teal'c should have known better. He really should have known better. But, relieved as he was from the difficulty of purchasing the secret love of his life a birthday present, he happily agreed.
"I appreciate that, O'Neill. What is it you will get her?"
"Just wait and see, pal. I won't go into specifics in case they don't have it in stock. If that's the case, I'll get her something else. But it's going to be something she can use on a more or less daily basis."
"I thank you. It is a strange thing."
"The tradition of birthday presents. On Chulak, we did no such thing. Only the rite of passage from boy to man, or girl to woman was marked in such a way."
"Oh yeah? And how was it marked? A big party? Lots of jello and ice cream?"
Daniel looked back at Jack with a withering gaze, rolled his eyes and then looked back at the TV, making the most of the apparent lull in Jack's attempt to get him into bed and learning more about the druids in the process. Then he tried to hide his snigger as he knew what really happened.
"Indeed we did not, O'Neill."
"The child is implanted with the primta."
A silence emanated from Jack, then he answered, "Right. I'll get onto it, then. Be back in touch later."
He hung up the phone before Teal'c could reply.
"In the bedroom, Jack," Daniel said immediately, not looking up from the TV.
"The laptop. It's in the bedroom. You should put the phone on charge the moment you're through, too."
With Daniel happily ensconced in front of the small TV with the large satellite dish, Jack sat at the table in the kitchen, finally figured out how to connect the laptop to the phone, got it to dial up and then fished his credit card out of his pocket. A few minutes later, and a special present was winging its way towards Sam on rapid delivery to get it there on time. To save Teal'c the hassle, Jack even asked the supplier to gift-wrap it. A quick email to Teal'c to confirm that it was on its way and Jack shut down the link and the computer. An item would be coming his way, too. Not that the postman came to the cabin. Jack would have to pop into the local town in the morning to see if it had arrived at the post office.
He looked into the living room and saw that Daniel was still engrossed in the documentary. The screen showed modern-day druids, making up their rituals and generally looking pretty dumb. The disbelieving snorts and muttered comments from Daniel meant that he was, in fact, enjoying himself.
Jack was pleased. Despite his initial annoyance, he was pleased that Daniel was relaxed and happy. Besides, it gave him time to act on a little plan that was brewing in his mind. He got up, looked out at the little garden he had out to the side of the cabin and then directly at a tree. With a grin, he opened up one of the kitchen drawers and removed two tea towels, then he retrieved a few other items. A quick trip outdoors had him prepared and he returned to his prey.
The credits were rolling when he re-entered the living room. Just in time, he thought. Without a word, he took the tea towels and crept up to where Daniel was sitting, stood behind him, and swiftly placed one over his eyes.
Daniel jumped a mile.
"What the fuck?"
"Hush," Jack barked. "Not a word."
Daniel swallowed harshly. He'd heard that tone of voice at work, when Jack was giving orders. It was deadly serious and wasn't a tone that allowed disobedience.
"You have one chance to say 'no'," Jack added, a little more gently. "Say it now, and the game stops. If you don't say it now, you have to be prepared to go to the end."
Daniel remained silent, running the options through his mind. To say 'no' could mean he'd miss out on something special. Jack didn't play that often, but when he did...
He gave a slow, deliberate nod. He had no idea what Jack had in mind, but he knew that Jack wouldn't hurt him. Knew it.
He heard the television switch off, then felt himself being firmly, but gently lifted to stand. He complied without question, even when Jack took both of his hands and held them together at his front. The next thing he knew, he felt some cloth being wound around his wrists, binding them together. Jack tied some string to the tea towel he'd bound Daniel's wrists with. A tug told Daniel that they were on the move. He expected to be led to the bedroom, but found himself being taken outside. Not that Jack was telling him what was going on, only the blast of humid air that hit his face as they stepped through the doorway informed him. He shuddered hard. Sex al fresco wasn't something that Jack would normally indulge in, given as he was to taking great care to maintain the illusion that they were 'just good friends'. But here, up at the cabin, their nearest neighbour was miles away and the only other home on the dirt track they called their road was the farm owned by a recluse. They'd know if they had visitors from a long way off.
He was rock hard by the time he'd taken two steps outside. His bare feet felt the tickle of the grass, the jeans on his legs protected them from the twigs of the bush to the right of the door... his bare arm snagged on something that ripped through his skin.
Jack stopped immediately and looked at the offending wound.
"It's just a rose thorn, Daniel," he said with a sigh.
"Maybe just a thorn," Daniel muttered, "but it fucking hurts."
Jack ducked his head and kissed the, admittedly long scratch.
"There, there, all better now," he teased.
"Yup, it was. Just a prick."
"No, you. You're a prick."
The bickering continued all the way to Jack's intended destination - Jack enjoying the joke, Daniel using it to distract himself.
"Stop here," Jack ordered.
Daniel stopped, then he felt himself being pushed against a tree. He used his imagination and pictured where he was. It had taken him about fifteen steps from the house, past the rose bush so he'd turned right... it was the old pine tree that they sometimes picnicked under.
He heard Jack moving around, felt the string which bound his hands being tugged skywards.
He raised his hands as instructed and moments later, he realised that he was totally secured to the tree. He could move around on the spot, but that was it.
Jack's next word was whispered, spoken almost in awe. Daniel shivered as he realised that Jack was looking him up and down, raking him with his eyes. He could see in his mind's eye the hungry look that Jack would have now.
The next thing he knew, he felt Jack's hands as they went directly to his belt, undoing it deliberately slowly. His flies followed next. In moments, his jeans were pulled down and off his feet, Jack lifting each foot in turn as he tugged the denim off him. Daniel knew he was only in his T-shirt and boxers now and was starting to feel exposed. The exhibitionist streak in him reacted and Jack smiled as he saw Daniel's dick jerk with excitement and heard Daniel's breathing start to shallow.
"Keep perfectly still," came the next order.
He held himself rigid, not knowing what Jack was up to. Until, that was, he felt the press of cold steel against his throat.
"An interesting weapon," Jack purred. "The cut-throat razor, that is. I mean, it shaves better than any modern electric shaver and yet it has so many other uses. Did you know I've used one to kill?"
Daniel didn't answer. Didn't dare answer. He knew that Jack was only taunting him, using his vulnerability to add to the excitement - maybe even scare him a bit. But it was only increasing the adrenaline rush, making Daniel even harder, if that was possible.
A quick tug on the neck of his shirt told Daniel what Jack was up to now. Jack had used the razor to split his shirt, pulling away from his skin. Moments later, Daniel felt and heard Jack use both hands as he grabbed either side of the split and he ripped the shirt the rest of the way.
Daniel heard no words from Jack, but even among the sound of birds and wind in the trees, he could hear Jack's breathing become sharper, harsher... more desperate. Another tug, this time on his boxers, told him that Jack had the razor opened again. The humid air surrounding him was soon felt on his cock as the fabric was torn away, the pre-come which was pooling at the head and starting to drip, cooling some of the heat that was in his skin. He pictured how he looked, added the feelings that he had about being there for anyone to see and damned near came. It took every ounce of his self-control not to. Jack would not be pleased if he did. He would not be pleased if he came now. He wanted it to last as long as it could.
Jack could see the exquisite torment as it played across Daniel's face and he stepped back to allow Daniel a few moments of calm to get himself back under control. Daniel needed this release, needed to lose the ability to think for a while. The weeks past had been particularly hard on him and he was mentally exhausted. When he saw Daniel's face start to calm, he knew he could go back to work. With a wicked smirk, he picked up an item from the things he'd taken out earlier and moved back to Daniel's side.
Daniel yelped as he felt something cold pour down his body. First it hit his throat, then he felt Jack move to the right, then to the left. Whatever it was, it was covering his chest. And whatever it was, it was obviously edible because as soon as he'd stopped pouring, Jack started licking.
He nearly lost his composure when he felt Jack's tongue and lips cleaning his throat, suckling on the skin beneath his Adam's apple, nipping at it gently, then trailing down over the route that he'd taken when pouring. Daniel's pecs got a good workout; his nipples were sucked and licked and bitten...
His hips started to move of their own accord, looking for some form of contact for his cock, but not getting it.
"Keep still," Jack growled. "Keep still or I walk away now."
Jack stood back and watched as Daniel willed himself to still. He could see the pain in Daniel's face as he tried hard. Only when his body calmed did Jack return.
He picked up the chocolate sauce again with a grin. Daniel was so going to give him hell when he found out how sticky he was - and it was the last bottle of the sauce. He made a mental note to get some more when he popped into town. He liked living dangerously, but this was above and beyond the call of duty.
Again, Daniel yelped when he felt the sauce hit his body, this time further down. His belly got a good workout this time, Jack's tongue dipping into his navel, his teeth tugging on the small gold bar that had been popped in the moment Daniel had left the SGC. Mentally, he tried translating the Book of the Dead into Latin. He knew the first few pages off by heart and often used it when he needed to keep calm.
Seeing that Daniel was thinking again, Jack decided to up the ante. He poured some sauce on Daniel's cock.
Mentally cursing his creaking knees, Jack knelt in front of his lover, took one look at his target and started to work. The only thing he wanted Daniel to concentrate on was the sensation in his groin, so he licked and sucked, backing off as he heard Daniel's breathing harden, warning him that he was close. Every time he backed off, he muttered a terse 'Don't come' or 'Not yet' and let Daniel get himself back under control. The trouble was, he loved doing this, loved bringing Daniel off with his mouth, but this time, he wanted to do something else to finish it.
As he backed off yet again, he looked up and saw Daniel's face telling him he'd reached the state Jack had been aiming for. There was nothing there - nothing that wasn't centred on his dick, anyway. Jack could tell that there were no thoughts rattling through the brilliant brain, nothing capturing Daniel's imagination... just peace. Mixed with a bit of desperation.
He placed his hands on Daniel's thighs.
"Turn," he ordered, using his hands to guide Daniel to face the other way.
When Daniel arrived at the designated position, Jack couldn't help but smile. He moved his hands further up Daniel's thighs, then slid them across his buttocks, pulling them apart with his thumbs. Without a word, he dipped his head closer and licked a stripe from behind Daniel's balls and up and through the crack. Despite standing with his hands tied to a branch above his head, Daniel's legs gave way and Jack had to grasp him tightly. Ignoring Daniel's reaction, Jack continued to lick, using his tongue to probe, pushing it inside of Daniel and softening the muscle, soaking it with his spit.
Daniel was moaning loudly now, begging Jack to let him come, but he wouldn't. He kept backing off, occasionally reached around to grab Daniel's balls to stop him from coming. Every so often, as Jack's tongue pushed further inside him, Daniel would curse him.
After a prolonged period of this torture, Jack realised that if he didn't finish it now, he'd be coming in his pants, and that was not part of the plan. So he stopped tormenting Daniel, awkwardly got off his knees and Daniel, with some relief, heard Jack's zip being undone.
A few moments later, he felt something cool and wet at his asshole and he smiled. 'At-fucking-last', he thought to himself.
Jack didn't hang around, knew that he couldn't. He lined himself up and pushed inside Daniel in one, swift stroke. Daniel smiled as he felt Jack's naked body plastering itself to his own, Jack taking a moment to rip the back of his T-shirt apart so that their skin could touch. Then Jack's arms were around his waist and Jack was moving.
Daniel felt himself being lifted as Jack slammed into him. He did what he could to stay on his feet, tried to push back to meet Jack, wanting him inside him as far as he could go and then some.
"You like this," Jack taunted. "You love being fucked, don't you? Just like some whore. My own, personal whore."
Daniel's head dropped back as Jack spoke, muttering "Yes, yes," in reply. "Just yours," he whispered.
"To use however I like?" Jack asked, his voice teasing.
"Oh fuck," Daniel moaned. "Yes!"
"Sweet," Jack teased again, his words punctuated by the deep thrusts he inflicted on Daniel. "My toy. I've got some good ideas on how to use you."
Daniel couldn't answer, the only sound coming from him resembled a 'gnnn' and indicated to Jack that he was getting past the point of no return. He knew that sound. Knew it of old. Loved it. His own response was to speed up, slamming into Daniel as hard and as fast as his position allowed.
He didn't touch Daniel's cock, he didn't need to. The blindfold and ties had pushed Daniel towards the edge the moment he was bound, the setting of the scene made him teeter close to falling off it - and now, after all of Jack's teasing with his mouth and tongue, and his relentless fucking, he was there.
Jack let go, wanting to go over the edge with Daniel. A deliberate move on his part resulted in a brutal thrust against Daniel's prostate and the next sound Jack heard was a loud, primal yell. The next sensation was that of his cock being squeezed hard and the come being wrung out of him. He grunted loudly, time after time, as with each thrust he further filled Daniel's guts.
His movements slowed in time to the shuddering of Daniel's body, finally dissipating until they came to a complete halt. Jack laid his head on Daniel's back, clumsily kissing his sweaty skin and panting hard.
"Jack, get me down," Daniel whispered, unable to raise his voice.
As carefully as he could, Jack pulled out of him and retrieved the razor. A few swift strokes had the string undone. He untied the tea towel around Daniel's head, and then the one around his wrist. As soon as he'd re-covered the blade, he dropped it onto the grass and the two men collapsed to the ground. Within moments, Jack found himself pinned to the grass, Daniel laying on top of him and kissing him hard and breathlessly.
The kisses gentled, the desperation diminished and soon, Jack saw the bright, happy blue eyes of his lover pull back far enough for him to focus on them.
"Wow," Daniel drawled. "Not that I'm complaining, but where did all that come from?"
Jack chuckled to himself.
"Ah, it was just something Teal'c said," he replied.
"What on earth could Teal'c say that would trigger off this?"
"Nothing directly..." Jack admitted. "Let's just say it wasn't what he said, it was the way he said it."
"You should talk to Teal'c more often," came the laughing reply. "Come to think of it, I'll talk to him. Maybe he'll give me some ideas, too."
"You have more than enough ideas, Daniel. Anyway, off. You're heavy."
Daniel rolled off Jack, but turned, and laid his head on Jack's chest. Making the most of the sun, they lay basking in it for a while.
Jack drove up the road with a wicked grin on his face. The package had arrived for him. This meant that the package could well have arrived for Sam. Sending it directly to her house was probably a bad thing to do, but under the circumstances, it was also probably for the best. The gift tag should say, if the company got it right, "Something to remember me by. I am forever at your side. Teal'c." He had the feeling that he was going to get into major trouble with the Major - and the Jaffa - but when the dust had settled, he was sure they'd be happy.
It was about time she got something girlie. And he'd chosen a nice, chocolate-brown colour.
"Ah, there you are, Jack," Daniel said as he got out of the truck. "Did you get the chocolate sauce?"
Jack had somehow managed to withstand the onslaught in the morning, when Daniel had found out that all of his pancake covering had been used the previous day. Only a reminder of the previous day's activities (with a graphic demonstration, this time in the kitchen and using a handy can of squirty cream from the fridge and a bottle of vegetable oil) had calmed him down.
"I got it, Daniel. And I got something else, too."
"Oh? Are you keeping it to yourself or are you going to share?"
"I'm going to share, Daniel. I am so going to share this."
He carried the brown-paper wrapped parcel under his arm and handed Daniel a carrier bag of groceries, which Daniel took straight into the kitchen. He laughed as he saw Daniel dive into the bag, find the bottle of sauce, pick it out and kiss it before putting it into the cupboard.
The cellphone rang again, Jack put the parcel down and picked it up, still watching Daniel's antics with the groceries. A new, large bottle of olive oil had Daniel grinning. He was thinking back to the night before when once again, the kitchen had been the venue of an interesting 'scene'. This time it was Jack on the receiving end, bent backwards over the kitchen table, his legs wrapped around Daniel's waist...
Teal'c's voice broke Jack's reverie.
"Ah, Teal'c. How's things, buddy?"
"I am... disturbed."
"Major Carter received her birthday present this morning."
"Great! Did she like it?"
"I do not believe she was happy, O'Neill."
"You're kidding. What was wrong with it? I got the biggest and best, pal. Nothing but the best for her, you know that."
"I do not believe that it was the quality - or the size of the gift that disturbed her."
"So, what was the problem?"
"She was so pleased to receive a gift that she opened it over breakfast in the commissary."
Teal'c's deadpan delivery did for Jack and Daniel was surprised to hear him cracking up. In moments, he was on the floor, laughing himself sick, unable to talk. Daniel retrieved the phone from him and tried to speak to Teal'c.
"Um, Teal'c, it's Daniel. What's up with Jack?"
"I must assume that O'Neill found his idea of a present to Major Carter most amusing."
"It would seem so, Teal'c. What was it?"
When Teal'c told him, Daniel looked stunned at the phone, somehow managed to stammer out a goodbye to Teal'c, switched the phone off and then collapsed onto the floor in helpless laughter next to Jack - who by now, was looking like a prime candidate for a heart attack.
"You bought her a deep penetration vibrating dildo?" he howled when he finally got his breath back.
"Yup. Thought she could do with lightening up."
"You do know she's going to kill you, don't you?"
"Um, quite possibly. You'd better make the most of me while you've still got me."
"Okay. Good idea. C'mon, I'm too old to be making out on the floor. Let's go to bed."
"You're too old?" Jack replied disbelievingly.
"Well, you know what they say, Jack. You're only as old as the man you feel. In our case, I'm the one that's losing out."
Jack muttered as Daniel lifted him up off the floor, both still sniggering at the thought of Sam opening the present.
"She opened it in the commissary," Jack said in a throwaway manner.
"You are so dead," he replied with a deadpan voice, but his eyes gave away his amusement.
"I know. It was big," he offered.
"Big? How big?"
"Teal'c big. And Teal'c-coloured."
"I was right. Not only is she going to kill you, he's going to join in. I'm going to be a widower again."
"Not if I can help it," Jack said when they hit the bed. He'd grabbed the parcel on the way in and placed it between them.
"Jack? What's in this?"
Jack opened the parcel slowly, pulled out the garish cardboard box from inside it and handed it to Daniel.
"A what? Oh fuck. Oh God. You want to try it now?"
Jack got the second of the two identical looking dildos he'd ordered - one male, one female, of course - and waved it in front of Daniel.
With a wicked grin, Daniel grabbed at Jack and flipped him onto his back.
"Toss you for it," he said.