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Rudolf the Red Holds Raider

Summary: Holiday challenge - include Hammond as Rudolf or Father Christmas; vinyl, snow and a rubber duck. No more than 3,000 words. I mean why do I think of these things?

"It's snowing."

"It's December, Daniel. It's also Colorado. These things happen."

"It's cold and it's snowing, Jack. How in hell's name can you be so..."


"Accepting. And moronic."

"Hey! I resemble that remark."

"It's not my fault you ended up in that, the only costume left in the entire state. Wouldn't have been so bad if it had been leather, but vinyl? Jack, is there something you want to tell me?"

"Whatd'ya mean?"

"Well, I understand leather fetishes, having a bit of one myself, but I've never really been turned on by rubber or plastic - and that vinyl one-piece is a bit clingy."

"I told you Daniel. They'd run out of Batman suits."

"Jack, you should have cut up a sheet and gone as a ghost. You'll never live it down."

"Why not? I've got great legs."

"True, you've got a great ass too, but I'm not that keen on sharing it with everyone."

"Who said you're going to share it?"

"Jack, those pants are so tight I can see that dimple you have on your right cheek."

"Dimple? I don't have a dimple."

"You do. Trust me on that one. And will you stop doing that! Bending backwards to try to see your ass is only highlighting other bits that I want to keep to myself, thank you very much. And don't look so smug."


"Grrr. Why Catwoman, Jack? I would have understood if you'd gone as the freaking Penguin to the General's party, I'd have even put up with your atrocious impersonation of him."

"HEY! That's uncalled for. 'waaaaack waaaaaa waaaaaaack.'... Damn, Danny, you could scowl for America."

"You give me plenty of reason to."

"So, you think you look good?"

"I think I look wonderful. At least going as Alfred the Butler gives me the chance to be in a suit."

"Very nice it looks too. Can't wait to get you out of it."

"Jack. Do me a favour and put a suit on."

"A suit?"

"Yeah. A suit."

"What will we go as if we're both in suits?"

"You have a black suit, don't you?"


"Me too. I'll change from this grey one, you change from that 70's reject and we go as the Men in Black. Shades on, no one will know the difference."

"I sometimes wonder about you, Daniel."

"Wonder what?"

"I don't know. If I did I wouldn't wonder. Okay, this vinyl is making me sweat. Dig out a white shirt and a black tie, will ya?"

"Nice party."

"Yeah. How much of the good stuff do you think is in the eggnog?"

"I think George slipped."

"He's not the only one."

"I noticed. How's your ass, Danny?"

"Fine, a bit bruised but I'll live."

"Good, good. I'm glad you made me change. Thanks."

"Welcome. I didn't think that Sam would dress up as Catwoman."

"She looks good. It would have been embarrassing to be in the same costume as my second. Frasier as the Penguin though..."

"I know. Scary doesn't begin to describe her."

"Love George's costume. Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, who'd have thought it? Wonder how much he drank to get his nose so red?"

"It's make-up."

"George wears make-up? I never knew. Kinda dampens the impact me in vinyl would have had, don'tcha think?"

<Silence falls as Daniel looks at Jack, sending iced water down Jack's veins as he realises that Daniel is working out how best to kill him>...................................................</silence>

"Damn, Daniel. You really, really know how to overdo a chilling silence."

"Thanks. I get plenty..."

"Of opportunities to practise, yeah I know. It's my mission in life. To help you and the guys improve on your withering looks, raised eyebrows and loud silences."

"You are so generous, it's painful."

"I live to serve."

"Hmm. Jack? Why is Siler wearing a rubber duck on his head?"

"He's come as target practise I think. Given his propensity to fall down stairs, get fried by electricity and so on, it's kinda appropriate."

"I've noticed that he only gets hospitalised when you're around."

"I had nothing to do with the frying thing. And the aliens made me do the 'push him down the stairs' thingy."

"Ah, that wonderful excuse. There are a few advantages to working at the SGC after all."

"Shall we go into the kitchen? I think there's some goodies in there."

"Jack, you had a huge dinner before we came out to, and I quote, soak up the copious alcohol that George is bound to serve, generous man that he is and all, unquote."

"Hey, I'm a growing lad."

"Yeah, I know. It really was a good idea to get out of the vinyl suit. Are your pants elasticated around the waist?"

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"No. Not yet. But keep on eating like that and you soon will be."

"I hadn't noticed you complaining about my physique when we're getting, er, physical."

"No, but then I'm not compos mentis at the time. I doubt I'd notice."

"There you go then."

"There I go when?"



"Shut up. Kitchen, now."

"This is good. Full of Christmas goodies."

"So are you, Jack."

"Are you going to bitch all night?"

"No. When we get home I'm going to..."

"AHT! Not in public."

"No, not in public, when we get home as I said."

"Um, Daniel?"


"It's gone very quiet in the living room."

"You're right. Something's wrong. Let's go and have a look."

"Whoa! Slow down. Don't want to get caught up in the trouble."

"Don't know if there is trouble as such, Jack. They may be playing Chinese whispers or something."

"Why don't we just look and find out?"

"Good idea. The door's open a crack, stick your nose through it."


"Because then you'll see, won't you?"

"True, but I'm not keen on exposing my nose to trouble."



"Shut up and look, will you?"

"Oh shit."

"Oh shit?"

"Yeah. Oh shit."

"Why 'oh shit'?"

"There's a guy in there with a gun."

"Not a fake one?"

"Looks pretty real to me. There's another guy going around and taking the jewellery from the guests."

"Ah. Call the police."

"Good idea. Where's the phone?"

"Um. In the living room."

"Where's your cellphone?"

"In my coat pocket in the bedroom."

"Shit. Okay, we're SG-1, we can do this."

"We're SG -0.5. And what is it you want us to do?"

"Stop this, capture the raiders and save the day."

"I knew I should never have let you watch Spiderman."

"Is one of your doctorates in sarcasm?"

"No... one of my masters degrees is though."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

"You're not easily shocked?"

"I live with you, Daniel. I gave up being easily shocked the day you pinned me to the floor and stuck your tongue down my throat."

"It was fun though, wasn't it?"

"Oh yeah."

"Any regrets?"

"Only that I've had to say goodbye to quiet Sundays and ESPN."

"Oh. Good. Me neither."

"Are we getting sappy?"

"Nah. Never."

"Phew, you had me worried there for a minute. Oh, my, would you look at that?"

"Look at what?"

"The guy with the gun. He's got an orange shirt on over a pink T-shirt. It clashes horribly with his balaclava."

"Jack, how on earth did you ever think you were straight?"

"At least it explains how I never knew you were gay. What with the plaid and all."

"I was incognito."

"There had to be a good reason for it. Anyway, scoot out to the garage and see if there is any rope in it."

"I'm in my best suit!"

"I'm in my only suit. Now go."

"The things I do."

"Jack, you are not a cowboy."

"You think I can't lasso them?"

"No, you can't. Come on, let's do this the sensible way. I'll go around the front, ring the doorbell and you sneak into the living room while their backs are turned."

"I'm the tactics man here, Daniel."

"Okay, what shall we do then?"


"You go to the front door and ring the bell."

"Quite some party that was last night, Daniel."

"Yeah. I hope you're bringing coffee along with that newspaper and the annoyingly cheerful persona."

"How long have we been together and how stupid do you think I really am?"

"I'm taking the Fifth. Ah, that's better. Who'd have thought that George was such an action man?"

"Yeah, when you rang that doorbell he sprang into action. By the time I'd got the guy with the gun, he'd tied up the other one with the leather harness he had on his back. Neat work it was too."

"That's our George all right. Leads from the front."

"He made the paper, you know. Front page. There's a picture of him and the thief. I think one of the guests took it and sold it."

"What's it say?"

"You'll love the headline, Danny. Here, look."

"Ooh. Don't think that George will live this down, do you?"

"Not really no. 'Rudolf the Red Holds Raider.'"

"Just as well he wasn't wearing a Catwoman suit."

"Thanks, Danny. I really didn't need that image in my head."

"Want a better one?"


"C'mere then. I'm sure I can think of a reward for my very own superhero."