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Sentinel Three

or 'i spy with my glass eye...'

Summary: It's the follow-up to the follow-up. If you thought the last one was nuts...
Mega thanks to Danvers for letting me play in her sandbox and for her encouragement; Joy for the usual cheerleading and betaing and comments, and Lizzy for a really good line by Blair.
Slight warning - it's a Britfic and I'm not sorry for once. It's not as if it's a serious story.

Somewhere in Minnesota, in the vicinity of a small cabin by a lake:

DM: D. Psst, Ms. D. Pass me the binoculars, will you?

DANVERS: Here they are - can you see anything yet?

DM: No, dammit. They've shut the curtains. Can you believe them? I get all four of them up to the cabin, as Jack asked, and they shut me out! Locked me out! Turned me away!

MS D: Perhaps they were fed up of their sex lives being reported?

DM: Why do you always have to be so damned reasonable?

MS D: Me? Reasonable? Hang on, let me introduce you to someone. I've got a pet god of war, you know. Hey, Ares, get your handsome butt over here, will you?

DM: You really think that's going to impress me?

ARES: Hel-lo Ms D. Who is this?

DM: Hhhhello. I'm DM. Pleased to meet you Mr. Ares. Um, you busy right now? Fuck, D, you said he was gorgeous but you never said just how gorgeous.

MS D: Just how stupid do you think I am?

ARES: What can I do for you?

DM: I need to get into the cabin. Got any ideas?

ARES: Who's in there?

DM: Jim, Blair, Jack and Daniel.

ARES: I'm on my way.

"So, Daniel, how's things with you and Jack? You getting any?"

"Shh, they'll hear you!"

"Um, Daniel, we're not speaking English."

"Oh yeah. Damn. Okay, well, yes then. I am."

"And is it worth the effort?"

"B!... Of course it is."

"Daniel! I know you're talking about me, so stop it!"

"Jack? Just how do you know that?"

"You sound smug."

"Smug? Moi? Never! Sh, B, stop laughing or he'll know for sure what we're talking about."

"Daniel, what do you mean I'll know for sure?"

"Fuck. I said that in English, didn't I?"

"You did."

"Well, you should be pleased. I could be talking about someone else."

"Like who?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe that really cute new sergeant on SG-15."

"What, Buster Ladd?"

"*snigger* He sounds like a heavyweight top."

"Hush B. And no, Jack. The new really cute one. Jensen Straight."

"*HOWL* He sounds like a lost cause!"

"Dammit, Blair, shut up! I have no idea as to how much of a lost cause he is, all I know is that he's really..."

"Cute, yeah, we got that one, D."


"Jim? What's up, man?"

"There's someone outside. I hear footsteps. They're coming closer."


"Daniel? You scared?"

"No. Just really curious as to why anyone in their right mind would come out here voluntarily."

"You're here."

"Don't you sound so smug. Anyway, what makes you think I'm here voluntarily. You wanted to come fishing, I had to come with you to stop you blanking as you look for the elusive crappie and fall into the water."

"You're all heart."

"Don't I know it."


"Who's there?"


"Ares who?"

"Ares really good for you or you suffocate."

"Oh God, Jack, don't open the door."

"Why not?"

"Whoever it is out there tells jokes that bad. No good can come of it, I'm warning you."

"Daniel, Daniel, Daniel..."

"There's only one of me, Jack."

"Thank God. Anyway, as I was about to say, there are two military men in this cabin - at least, one active, one not so active."

"Glad to see you're finally being honest about your activity level, Jack."

"Shut up, Jim. As I was saying, we also have two cops and the universe's most annoying linguist. What can possibly go wrong?"



"Does Jim drop you in it with STUPID phrases like that?"

"All the time, man. All the fucking time."

"Yeah. Ah well. Open the door, Jack, let's see what trouble awaits us this time."

"About time too, it's getting cold out here. Hello, I'm Ares, your local friendly god of war. You must be, er, Jack?"


"Ah. I thought you looked younger than described."


"AH! You must be Jack."

"Yes, I'm Jack O'Neill. Goa'uld slayer, world saver..."

"Big mouth. Hi, I'm.."

"Daniel Jackson. Yes, I know."

"Hmm. And just how do you know me?"

"It's a long story. Let's just say you're the bane of my existence. Now, who's the cutie?"

"That's Blair. And I'd take back the cutie remark if I were you."

"Why? OOOWWW! Oh, I see why. He bites!"

"He does a lot more than that, so unless you wish to be singing soprano for the rest of your life, I'd be nice to him if I were you."

"Jim speaks from experience. Fortunately, Blair was feeling lenient that day."

"My sympathies. Anyway, no doubt you are wondering as to my purpose here?"

"We are."

"Quadraphonic replies, eh? A well-honed team. I like that."

"You're lucky. Hammond only got it in stereo."

"Got what?"

"Eh hem. If I may?"

"Do go on."

"Thank you, Daniel. I'm here to take you to my secret lair."

"Blair's no secret. He's famous."


"Thank you, Jim."

"Lair, not Blair. Though I'll take him too."

"What do you mean, 'take him too'?"

"I thought you were a linguist? What do you think it means?"



"Jack? Where have they gone?"

"I don't know, Jim. Hang on, I've got an idea. DM!"

"She's not here."

"She has to be here. She's writing the story. DM! Where the fuck are you?"

DM: Oh, you want me now, do you? Not good enough for you before, but now your precious guides have disappeared you bellow.

JO'N: Yeah, well, we didn't want what was happening before reported to all and sundry. You know, that 'don't ask' crap?

DM: Sheesh. Touchy, aren't you? It's not as if anyone in the Pentagon reads this rubbish.

JO'N: Hey! This is about us! Of course people want to read it.

DM: So why shut me out?

JO'N: Um... she's got me there, Jim.

JE: Not difficult. DM?

DM: Yes, Jim?

JE: Where has he taken them?

DM: To his lair. I distinctly heard him say that.

JO'N: HA! You were listening.

DM: The door was open at that point.

JO'N: Fuck. She's done it again.

JE: So, where's his lair?

DM: How the fuck should I know? Ares isn't one of my characters.

JO'N: Crap. Does this mean we'll not find them?

DM: Not necessarily.

JE: What do you mean?

DM: Well, I don't know, but I know a girl who does. Ms D?


JE: Who's this?

JO'N: Danvers. You'll like her. She treats me well.

JE: And that's a prerequisite for me liking someone?

JO'N: What? Hush! Hey, Ms D. Seein' as you're the resident expert on the god of war, have you got any clues as to his lair's whereabouts?

MS D: Of course.

JO'N: And, so, but, therefore?

MS D: *Sigh* Go back to the SGC, pick up Sam and Teal'c and I'll give you the co-ordinates.

JO'N: Thank you. It's good to know that someone around here cares.

DM: Hey, I care! Just because I don't always tell you...

JE: DM, it's okay, honey, he's just grumpy because his boy-toy has been taken.

DM: *snigger* Boy-toy? I wouldn't let Daniel hear you call him that. Remember the permanently singing soprano thing?

JE: Ye-ah.

DM: You'd be lucky to get away with that.

JO'N: DM, why don't you go and check up on the guys while we make our way back to the Springs?

DM: Sounds like a plan to me. Danvers, you go with them, eh? Oh, and give Joy a shout.

MS D: Sure, but why?

DM: We may need her axe.

In a spaceship, somewhere in the galaxy, sector... oh, who cares?:

"What do you think he's going to do with us, Daniel?"

"Oh, I don't know. Turn us into sex slaves or something - if we're lucky."

"If we're lucky?"

"Well, yeah. Didn't you see him?"

"True, true. As you say, he is a god *snigger*. Don't think that the guys would be too happy about that though, do you?"

"Probably not. We can always play the 'I've been hurt' card though and get lots of sympathy and make-up sex."

"Sheesh, D, are you always this bad these days?"

"I had to go for years without getting any, trust me, it's a permanent feature."

"I can relate. I mean, I dated some when I was studying Jim, but it wasn't the same."

"You two at it like rabbits?"

"The Energiser Bunny has got nothing on us."

"Tell me about it. Hang on, he's coming."

"Not soon enough."


"Ah, Daniel, Blair. Time for me to tell you what I want from you."

"Go ahead."

"Oh, I will, I promise. I want you to translate something for me."

"What is it?"

"If I knew that I wouldn't be asking you, would I?"

"Oh. Well, let's see it then."


"Come on, B, if it's harmless then maybe he'll let us go."

"And if it's not?"

"We don't do it."

"Will he torture us?"

"I'd say that was a possibility."

"Oh crap."

"What is your answer?"

"Let's have a look at it."

"You will do it?"

"Don't sound so surprised. Besides, I said we'd have a look at it. No promises."

"We will be landing on the planet soon. You will see it there. In the meantime, some refreshments?"

"Um, not yet, thanks. We ate at the cabin."



"I'm sorry, Daniel, was that funny?"

"You have no idea. And no, it was chicken."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, um, SGC:

"Sergeant, bring up the list of Goa'uld home worlds, please."

"Yes, Sir."

"Obedience. I like that."

"Not something you get a lot of, eh Jack?"

"You've met Daniel, what do you think? Ms D? Recognise any of these?"

MS D: Um, yes, wasn't that the one where you and the others got drunk and...

JO'N: Not now! Come on, we only want the one address. Not a complete résumé of SG-1's more, er, colourful adventures.

MS D: Spoilsport. Okay, keep going... keep going... and... no, not that one... stop! That's it.

JO'N: You're sure?

MS D: You spend as long as I have on a fic and get back to me on that. Of course I'm sure. That's Olympus.

"General, do we have a go?"

"You're sure they're going to be there?"

"As sure as we can be, Sir. We have it on good authority that this is Ares' home world."

"How many teams do you think you will need, Colonel?"

"Just SG-1, and Jim, of course."

"If you're sure."

"Yes, Sir. I'm sure."

"Then Godspeed, gentlemen, Major, and bring our boys back home safe and sound."

"He sounds like he's launching a liner."

"He always sounds like that. Good guy though."

"Um, Colonel?"

"Nothing, Carter. You ready to ship out?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then let's go. Dial it up, Sergeant."

"I'm on it, Colonel."

(They watch as the gate dials and then a MALP is sent through. It sees a room and nothing more.)

"Aw hell, I hope this doesn't turn out to be one of those locked room mysteries. That would be a cliché and you all know how much I hate them."

"Don't we just."

"Is there a DHD, Major?"

"Yes, Sir. It looks intact."

"Then it's time to go."

Ares' secret hideaway:

"Jack would hate this place."


"It's a castle."

"Doesn't he like castles?"

"Well, not as such. You see, castles tend to have dungeons, dungeons are clichéd and he hates them."

"What, dungeons?"

"No, clichés."


"I have no idea."

"Ah, gentlemen. I hope you're making yourselves at home?"

"Well, there's only one bed..."

"*cough* cliché *cough*"

"Sh, B. But apart from that, this room is very, um..."

"Nice. Very nice. Just love what you've done with it. The urns, the fruit, the drapes... speaks of Classical Greece to me."

"That was the idea."

"Well, you managed it."

(Ares shakes his head, beginning to wonder if bringing the ankle biter along was such a good idea after all.)

"Here is the document that I wish you to translate. I will be along to see how you're getting on shortly."

"HEY! Just who do you think you're calling 'shortly'."

(With another shake of his head, Ares departs with a flourish only managed by the really powerful, inordinately successful and Liberace.)

"It's a big document, Daniel."

"Yes, it is. Hmm."


"Ye-ah. It's Asgard runes. I wonder what it means?"

"Can you read them?"

"Well enough, I guess. I taught myself after coming into contact with them at the Hall of Thor's Might."

"Might what?"


"Never mind. What does it say?"

"Not totally sure yet. Give me a while. I think it's vaguely connected with music. This is going to take some time."

Olympus, home of the gods, at least one god in particular, and in an empty room:

"There's nobody home, Colonel."

"There's nobody in this room, Major, but somehow I doubt that the entire planet is deserted."

"It's been known."

"True, true. But that wouldn't explain the footsteps I can hear. Can you hear them, Jim?"

"Yes. Two pairs. One heavy, sounds like its got thick boots."


"You brought oranges?"

"What? No. Jaffa. Like Teal'c."

"Oh. Could be. The other's light, female maybe."

"Guess we just wait and see. Oh oh, here they are."

(The door opens and in comes a Jaffa and an oldish woman.)

"Who are you?"

"I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill. Who are you?"

"I am Roman, my lord's first prime."

"Roman, eh? That makes sense."

"It does? Why?"

"Well, this is a sort of roman-à-clef after all."

(Jack's companions do a double take.)

"Hey, I live with Daniel. Something of him has to rub off on me, ya know?"

(Jack's companions snigger.)

"Get out of here!"

(Roman and the woman turn to go.)

"Not you! That was just an expression. Who's the crone?"

"I am Misha. And you would be advised to be nice to me."


"Because you will regret it if you do not."

"Call that a threat? I've been threatened by better guys than you, lady."

"But they all failed, did they not? You are still annoyingly alive."

"You're good. So, we want something and then we'll leave."

"People only ever want something."

"Hey, this something, or rather these someones, belong to us. Your local friendly snakehead took them to his secret lair. As you see, we're here, so it's not so secret. Give us the guys back, and we'll say no more about it. Though they will, most likely."

"Secret lair, you say? This is not his secret lair. This is Olympus. His home."

"Ya mean he's got somewhere else?"

"He is the great one, he has many places."

"Yeah, well, Roman, how about living up to your name and lighting the way to our final destination."


"Roman candle? Sheesh. Some people. Look, we don't want to fight, we were happily on vacation in the wilderness, doing a bit of fishing, ya know? Your boss turned up and took the guys. We want them back. If we get them back we'll be happy. If we don't get them back, it won't be pretty."

"Looked in a mirror, recently, old man?"

"Hey, who are you calling old? Besides, the T man here is over twice my age."

"But he looks good for it."

(In an attempt to stop the bickering, Sam speaks up.)

"Roman? Do you know the way to his secret lair?"

"I do not. He did not see fit to show me. When he pressed the dialling device, he made me shut my eyes."

*cough* Roman blind *snigger*

"Colonel! That's not helping."

"Misha? Do you know?"

"I do. But why should I tell you?"

"We'll go away if you do."

(Misha thinks about this for a picosecond and decides that by revealing the destination, she not only gets to piss off Ares but will get rid of Jack at the same time.)

"You have convinced me."


"Hush Roman. I know what I am doing."

"That is all too apparent."

"Stick-in-the-mud. Anyway, as I was saying, I will give you the address. However..."

"There's always a 'however', isn't there?"

"However you will encounter difficulties when you arrive. You must journey across difficult land and face some tasks before arriving at the castle."

"Castle? Aw crap. That means dungeons. Which is just so clichéd and you..."

SC, T, JE and MS D: WE KNOW!

(She dials the address and the wormhole whooshes into life.)

"Sheesh. Okay, so dangerous lands, tasks, castle... anything else we should know?"


(Misha turns to go.)

"Well? What should we know?"

(She turns to look back at him with an evil grin.)

"Don't step in the bog."

"That's it?"

"You'll thank me for it later."

"Right. Thanks. Good to have met you. Anytime you want a favour, just ask."

"Oh, I don't think that you could ever help me. Beyond what you are already doing that is."

(She ushers Roman out of the door and shuts it before Jack can answer.)

"Why do I get a bad feeling about this?"

"Because we're in trouble, Sir?"

"You could be right, Carter, you could be right."

Ares now not-so secret lair:

"This is bad, B. This is very bad."


"Trust me on this one. It's a list of the ten most horrible things to be unleashed on the galaxy. Whoever has this can control all the races and beat them into submission."

"Doesn't sound like an Asgard thing."

"No, no it doesn't. Mind, Loki might be behind it. It bears his signature."

"It does? What, is it his style to do this?"

"Um, no, here, look. It's his signature. Next to where it says 'Loki's plan to rule the universe'."

"Oh. Do you think he means it?"

"Possibly. Besides, it would be his way to do it like this."

"Like what?"

"I'm not saying out loud, just in case we're being listened to."

(The door to the room crashes open.)

"AH HA!"

"Impressive entry Ares."

"Yeah, eight out of ten for that one on artistic merit but only seven out of ten for technical execution. You need to fling your hand with a little more panache. But apart from that, I liked it."

"Thank you. I practise."

"We could tell."

"Enough of this frivolity. You have translated the document?"

"I have an idea about it."

"You will tell me."

"I won't."

"Oh yes you will."

"Oh no, I won't."

"Oh yes you will."

"Oh no, I won't."

"Behind you!"

"B? What?"

"Sorry, I thought this was a pantomime, I just wanted to join in."



"Shut up, please. Ares. I will not do it."

"You will. Or I will subject you to the most unspeakable horrors imaginable."

"Nothing you can do will make me change my mind, Ares."


"I'm getting a bad feeling about this, D."

"Me too, B. But we can't tell him. It's just too awful to contemplate the consequences if we do."

"So, we're going to get tortured?"

"I'm guessing so. Sorry, pal. But if you knew what was on the document, you'd understand why. We can't give in."

"What's with the we thing? I don't read runes."

"I know. I'm really sorry to put you through this."

"I understand, man. I guess this is it then?"

"Most likely."

Same planet, different location near the stargate:

JO'N: So, Danvers, any ideas what he's going to do to the guys?

MS D: Sorry, Jack. No. He's out of my control at the moment.

JO'N: Guess we're going to have to go and find out then, pick up the pieces later.

JOY: Did someone mention pieces?... Sorry I'm late guys, but do you have any idea how long it takes to sharpen a double-bladed axe? But it's all nice and sharp now [she says with a prideful leer]. See?

JE: Very nice. Very shiny. Is it sharp?

JOY: Sharp? Ha. This is so sharp that the Sharpest Teflon Coated Cook's Knife™ pales into insignificance next to it. It's so sharp that a pre-caffeined, snake-baiting Daniel Jackson's tongue is positively blunt by comparison. It's so sharp that...

JO'N: We get the message. You any good with it?

JOY: Watch.

(They all watch as she flings it at a nearby tree and splits the thing in two - lengthwise. For reasons known only to himself, Jim winces when Sam shouts 'timber!')

T: That is an impressive weapon. Let us hope that you do not need to use it in battle.

JOY: Why the hell not? It's a weapon of war, Teal'c. Get over it. So, we ready for the off? We've got us a couple of babes to rescue.

T: Babes? I do not understand.

Joy: S'alright Teal'c.You're one of them anyway. You're not supposed to get it.

MS D: Joy - behave. And Teal'c, never mind. I think we should go this way.

SC: Why?

MS D: Because there's a sign - it says, 'this way to Ares' secret lair' and points to that castle over there.

JO'N: Does anyone get the feeling that this is too easy?

JE, SC, T, MS D and JOY: Yes.

JO'N: Okay, just as long as it's not just me. Let's go, kids. By the way, anyone seen DM recently?

MS D: I think she's keeping an eye on the boys.

(A whoosh of air and the sound of panting precedes the appearance of the author.)

DM: You have GOT to hurry. They're being tortured!

JO'N: Shit! What's he doing to them?

DM: It's too awful to say. Listen.

(Jim and Jack stand still as they filter out the various sounds and home in on their loves. The noise that comes to them is painful and they collapse on the floor writhing in agony.)

"The bastard! How dare he?"

"What's he doing, Sir?"

"He's... he's..."

"He's playing them Rod Stewart records."

"Oh God. Poor guys. They'll need therapy when they get back."

"We need to move quickly O'Neill."

"Tell me something I don't know, Teal'c."

"The square root of 9876543210 is 99380.799 to 3 decimal places."

(So, in bewilderment, our intrepid band set off on their quest to rescue the two sexiest anthropologists ever to walk the face of any planet. Sam and Teal'c to get their friends back, MS D, Joy and DM to get back the source of their tales and best dreams - and Jack and Jim? Duh. If I need to tell you that, you haven't been paying attention.)


DM: Yes, hun?

JE: Can't you just write us closer to the guys? I mean, do we have to go through all of this first?

DM: Look, petal, you seem to miss the point. When we authors write we only have a certain amount of control over what happens. I mean, we can get you into a situation, maybe get you out of it, but if a character goes rogue on us, well, it's out of our hands. We have to work with you to get through it.

JE: And Ares has gone rogue?

MS D: Well, I don't seem to have as much control over him as I usually do. He's a bit of a rogue normally, but it a nice way, if you know what I mean. This time though...

JO'N: Yeah, we get it. So, we have to do that. By the way, what was that the crone said about the bog?

MS D: Don't step in it.

T: There is something familiar about this place.

SC: What's that?

T: I am not totally sure. But I do believe that it is familiar to me. And the warning about the bog is triggering something in my mind.

JO'N: Well, whatever it is, I hope you remember soon, T, or we're going to get lost in that maze ahead of us.


JO'N: Good for you. Did you bring enough for us all? Or are you going to sneak off and keep it to yourself.

T: No, I know what it is that I should remember. Labyrinth.

JO'N: Yeah, we kinda established that with the maze remark.

T: You do not understand.

JO'N: Tell me something I don't know. No! Don't. Just tell me what is going on in the enigmatic head of yours, big guy. I have enough of Daniel's mind-blowing tangents without you starting on me.

T: The film. With David Bowie and the funny-looking Muppets. The Bog of Eternal Stench. Put one foot in it and you will stink for the rest of your life.

JO'N, SC, JE, yadda: Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwww!

T: Quite. Perhaps Ares has seen the film?

JE: He's an alien. Where would he get it? It's not as if Blockbusters has branches out here, is it?

T: True. But I am also an alien and I have seen it. Not to mention, he does have Rod Stewart recordings. If he has those...

JE: Okay, you got me there. We'll keep our feet out of the bog. Let's just hope he doesn't have all of the stuff from the film, it'll take too damned long to get there if he does.

SC: It doesn't look like it. Ladies?

JOY, MS D & DM: Sam?

SC: Could you scout ahead and let us know what you see?

DM: Don't see why not. Wait here.

(More sound effect whooshes as the three authors scoot off to have a look around. They see what they need, have a confab and decide on a plan.)

Ares' dungeon:

(Here we find both our heroes chained to a wall - feet on the floor, Ares isn't totally uncivilised - and being forced to witness terrible scenes.)

High on a hill was a lonely goatherd

Ley hee oh ley hee oh ley oh ley oh ley hee ho.

"GAAAAAAH! I can't take any more of this, Daniel. PLEASE tell him."

"Sorry, Blair, but you'll thank me later. Shut your eyes, hum something, do anything to distract yourself. We're stronger than this!"

"But he's made us watch the Sound of Music three times and that was after playing his entire collection of Rod Stewart albums. If he starts on the Andrea Boccelli I'm ending it all."

"God, yeah, I'll join you. But even that isn't as bad as what's in the document."

"It's NOT? Dear God, give me strength. Okay, man, you convinced me. I can do this. If I can endure Jim's marathon golf weekends, I can endure this."

"Golf? Sheesh. You're a hard man, Blair Sandburg. I only have to put up with ice hockey."

"You know, if we're the tough ones, how come we always get written as wimps?"

DM: Not by me, guys.

BS & DJ: DM! Good to see you.

DM: Yeah, sorry for the delay. Just wanted to let you know that help is on its way. The guys are finding their way through the maze as we speak.

DJ: We're doomed.

DM: Why?

DJ: Jack and I once went into a maze, cut out of corn in some farmer's field - a charity thing, you know? Anyway, he and I split up. I got in, got my ticket stamped to say I'd got to the middle, then made my way out. Five hours later we had to send in a search party. He'd given up and made a shelter out of the tall corn stalks. Ten out of ten for survival instinct, but nought out of ten for sense of direction. He was only ten feet from the exit.

DM: If it helps any, Jim, Sam and Teal'c are with him and Joy and Danvers are keeping an eye on them and encouraging them.

In the maze... somewhere:

JOY: Come on. Sheesh, you guys couldn't find your way out of a paper bag.

JO'N: How about you show us the way?

MS D: Joy, why don't you cut them a direct path with your axe?

JOY: That would be cheating!

SC: And this is a problem why?

JOY: No reason. Just checking that you guys had lost your scruples.

JE: We have. I just heard the screams of the guys again and heard why.

ALL: (See, I knew there was a quicker way than writing all the names) WHY?

(Jack filters out the screams and looks at Jim with sadness in his eyes.)

"The Birdie Song. Ares is torturing them with the fucking Birdie Song. If he starts on the Macarena we are in so much trouble."

"Why? Does Blair hate it?"

"Yeah. But when he hears it, he has a habit of singing it for a week, tapping his feet and generally dancing around the place. Wouldn't be so bad but the last time he did that, we were trying to arrest a local 'pillar of society' for corruption. Hard to do when your sidekick is singing 'a la tuhuelpa legria macarena, eeeh, macarena'."

"I can see that would be a problem."

JOY: Okay, you convinced me. Anything's better than listening to that. Stand back and watch.

(All stand back and watch - you got that, eh? Damn, I'm getting predictable. Anyway, Joy's amazing axe scythes succinctly through the mysterious maze, cutting a corridor through the high hedges, allowing access through the terrible thorns and generally alliterating herself into immorality, oops, immortality as the best axe woman ever. You can leave the fiver under the usual bench darl - brown paper bag as normal.)



DM: Woebegone warrior in a woad wobe.

ALL: Wobe?

DM: Oh fuck, where's me teeth? Robe. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrobe. Happy now?

JO'N: Not really, no. Where's this warrior?

DM: Over by the gate. There are two, in fact, but two woebegone warriors didn't have the same ring to it.

JE: I can see them. They're big.

JO'N: True. They are. Carter?

SC: Sir?

JO'N: Do your stuff.

SC: Sir?

JO'N: Ya know, feminine wiles, distract them. While they're looking your way, we creep in behind them.

T: Would it not be better to take them out?

JE: Where? I didn't see many restaurants on the way.

DM: Actually Teal'c and Jack both have the right idea. Sam, you distract them and Teal'c can do what my mam always threatened to do to me and my little sister.

SC: What was that?

DM: Bang our bloody heads together.

SC: She never did it?

DM: She never caught up with us. Besides, we'd seen the flat spots on the sides of our older sisters' heads. We weren't going to give her the chance.

JO'N: Older sisters? Just how many of you are there?

DM: Four girls.

JO'N: All like you?

DM: *Mwahahaha* Be afraid, be very afraid.

JO'N: That's way past scary. By the way, where is the Bog of Eternal Stench?

DM: It's over there, once you've gone past the guards. Stick to the path and the stepping stones and you should be okay.

JO'N: Why don't you just write a bridge over it?

DM: Because I'm omniscient, not omnipotent.

JO'N: Yeah, that can be a pain for a guy. Not that I've ever suffered...

DM: Omnipotent, not impotent. And sheesh, it's not as if I'd ever suffer from that. Just be careful, will you? And look, Sam's doing her thing.

"Hey guys, anywhere around here for you to show a girl a good time?"

*Grunt* Yeah *ugh* where's the girl? *grunt*.

DM: Oh shit. He didn't want to say that.

JO'N: Look at her go! Damn, Teal'c's got a good smash. Combined with the triple salco drop kick in the nuts from Sam and I think it's night-night Neanderthals.

DM: There, it's about time they had a chance for some action.

MS D: Call that action? It was over in a blink.

DM: What can I say? They're good. Hang on, here's a slow-motion action reply for you.

Sam slinks up to them at a rate of a few frames per second. While we see her strut her stuff and her mouth opening and closing really slowly, the guards completely miss the six foot four, 200 plus pound megalith that's approaching them from behind. We see the leer on the guards' faces and watch as Sam's face drops in horror at the insult. Teal'c's hands lift, his face one of thunder at the choice of phrase aimed at his comrade-in-arms and resident blonde bombshell. Sam is spinning on the spot, her foot snapping out as Teal'c gets the heads of the guards in his big hands. As he smashes them together with the precision of a really good cymbalist, Sam emasculates them one at a time with her heavily-booted foot. Moments later and both men are on the floor, hands on groins and out cold.

DM: Will that do you, D?

MS D: Not bad. I'll bet I could have made it last longer.

DM: You really want this to go on longer than it has to?

MS D: Um. No. Probably not.

"Great, we're past the gate. Now what?"

DM: Get past the bog, through the doors (minding the dragon that guards it) and then get to the dungeons to rescue the guys. Of course, then you have to get back to the gate... but that shouldn't be so much of a problem, should it?

JO'N: Tell me something. Where on my uniform does it say 'I'm stupid'?

Back in the dungeon (this is getting tedious, isn't it?)

"So, Daniel, will you finally give in and translate the document?"

"NO! How many times do I have to tell you, Ares? I will NOT do it."

"Then you leave me no choice. I will have to resort to the ultimate torture. GUARDS! Remove his shoes."


"Wait and see, Daniel. I have the most exquisite agonies planned for you. You will give in to me."

"Never, I'm telling you, never!"

"Jaffa, give me the feather."

"Shit, D. You know what he's going to do, don't you?"

"I know. I can take it. I'm sure I can. Don't let me give in, B, no matter what. Please."

"I'll do what I can, man. But this? It's going to be agony for us both."

"It's not you that's going to be tortured, B."

"No, but I'm going to have to watch you. Oh God, here he comes."

"Jaffa. Grab one of his feet. Don't kick, Daniel, this is going to happen whether you fight me or not. Now, let's see how long you can hold out against this. Tickle, ickle, ickle..."

"AAARRRRRGGGGGGHHH! I won't give in *howl* never, you hear me *hoo* never *haaaaaaaa*."

"Does Danny like having his ickwle feet tickwled?"

"NO! But I *eeeeeeek* will never surrender!"

"That's it, Daniel, you can hold out. You're strong, don't give into him."

"Jaffa, let's up the tension. Turn on the record player and bring out the... Demis Roussos records. The scratched vinyl will make him talk if nothing else will. Combined with the tickle torture, he's bound to give in. Even Apophis couldn't withstand that."

Somewhere over the Bog of Eternal Stench...

"Careful, Carter. I don't want to have to explain to either Hammond or your dad why you'll never be dating material again if you fall in this."

"If I fall in this bog, Sir, you'll have to get me out."

"Not a hope. I'll do the kind thing and put you out of your misery."

"Gee, thanks, Colonel. You're so kind."

"I know. My generosity and selflessness surprises even me at times. We're nearly there."

"How is it that the authors have escaped this?"

"Well, ya see, Teal'c, it's like this. They get to vamoose whenever they feel like it. Leaving us, the heroes, to deal with all the crap."

"I see. That would be an apposite term when describing this bog, O'Neill."

"You're telling me. You try having enhanced senses and crossing this."

"Haven't you turned down the dial, Jack?"

"Yeah, but it's pretty pungent. My eyes are watering even though I can't really smell it."

"I know what you mean. A few more steps and we're there. SHIT!"


"I just heard a loud scream and some horrible noises, they nearly made me fall off the stepping stone."

"Get over here now, Ellison. There, I'm on dry land. I'll listen in. Ohmygod. It's horrible."

"Told you. Phew. We're all across. Have you figured out what's happening?"

"No, no... yes. It's the worst noise I've ever heard in my life!"

"What is it, Colonel? What is that fiend doing to them?"

"It's Daniel. He's torturing Daniel."

"With what?"

"Guessing by the noise, tickle torture combined with a really bad recording of Demis Roussos singing 'Love me Tender'."

"Is Daniel ever going to get over this?"

"Is Blair? He's having to watch it."

"Poor guys. I can see nightmares coming."

"Me too, Carter, me too."

Yeah, yeah, back in the dungeon:

The-ey...asked me how I knew...

"Oh God - he's singing 'Smoke Gets in Your Eyes'. Ares! You bastard! Stop it!"

"Not until he gives in and translates that document for me!"


"D, please, reconsider. I'm not even being tickled but I can't take much more of this."

"Hold on, Blair, baby, you have to hold on. Be strong for me, huh?"

Smoke gets in your eeeeeeyyyyyyyyeeeeeessss!

"Oh thank God for that!"

"Don't look now, there's more."



Oh yes, I'm the great pretender...


"Heathen! Philistine! Murderer of good taste and decency!"

I'm lonely but no one can tell...

"If that's your way of getting company then you are sadly mistaken, buster!"

"Could be worse, B, he could be using Barry White records."

"Ha ha ha ha!"

"You don't like Barry White, Daniel?"


"No, no, he's okay. Not so bad at all. Eh Blair?"


"I have some Abba. Never let it be said that I'm out of touch with modern youth."

//Abba? Okay, we can tolerate that.//

"God NO, not Abba, anything but. What do you say, Blair?"

"Ha!" //I get it - misdirection. Phew. Just as well I know Daniel.// "No, please don't play Abba. What sort of inhumane monster are you?"

"I am a Goa'uld. Of course I'm an inhumane monster, it's in my make-up."

"You have make-up?"

"You wear jewellery. Who are you to judge?"

"Jim man, I hope that you can hear me. Get a move on will you? Shift that cute butt in my direction. I don't think we can take much more of this. There are two Jaffa and Ares is in here."

"Blair's started to talk to me. They're getting totally desperate about a rescue, guys."

"Okay. Joy? Ms D? DM? Anyone?"

DM: I've sent the others on recon, they'll report back in a minute.

JO'N: Good thinking.

DM: Natch. What do you want?

JO'N: How close are we?

DM: Not far. You have one more set of doors to go through, with the small matter of the dragon that guards it to get past. Once you're past that, no problems.

JO'N: Dragon?

DM: Yeah. Wanna make something of it?

JO'N: How about dragon burgers?

DM: Look. Dragons get a bad press, you know. I'll have you know that a dragon is the symbol of my country. It stands for the heart and fiery spirit of her people as well as the historical aspect.

JE: Historical?

DM: Sure. The red dragon is our protector. Beat the white dragon and symbolised victory for us on the field of battle the next day.

SC: Did you win?

DM: Would we have adopted the damned thing if we didn't? Look, Dai means a lot to us Welsh, so don't you dare poke fun. Or we'll unleash more Tom Jones on you.

T: That would be a cruel thing to do.

DM: True, but we have to get our own back every so often. You're laughing O'Neill.

JO'N: Dye?

DM: Dai! D. A. I. Dai dragon - otherwise known as Dai, y ddraig goch. We're very fond of him so shut it.

JO'N: Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Well, seein' as you're the resident expert on dragons, how do we get past it?

DM: Well, that's simple. You sing to it. Or on second thoughts, I sing to it. I've heard you sing.

JO'N: Hey! What makes you think you can sing better than me?

DM: You really want to know?

JO'N: Yes!

DM: Nine years as a church chorister, including about six as head soloist, not to mention all the school choirs, solo performances as an adult and membership of madrigal groups. How does that grab you?

JO'N: Great. You sing.

DM: Besides, you have to sing in Welsh and you can't. I can. So there.

JO'N: I know this is going to be one of those things that I regret asking, but why?

DM: Duh. Everyone knows that Welsh is the language of Heaven and only the purest song will lull a dragon to sleep. I'd have thought it was obvious.

"She told you, Sir."

"Yeah, she usually does. Okay. Let the Welsh Wonder go first. When the big lizard is asleep, we sneak past and then go to the dungeon. You said that Danvers and Joy will be checking out the way?"

DM: I did. Joy's swinging her axe and D is up to something. Not sure what yet, but I'm sure we'll find out. Look out, we're here. Ooh, he's beautiful. Now now, don't bite my lovely. Let's see if we can't calm you down a bit now, shall we? Ready guys?

All: Ready.

DM: Good. Watch and learn.

"Hunan blentyn, ar fy mynwes
Clyd a chynnes ydyw hun
Breichiau mam sy'n dyn amdanat
Cariad mam sy dan fy mron
Ni cha dim am haru'th gyntun
Ni wna undyn â thi gam
Huna'n dawel, annwyl blentyn
Huna'n fwyn ar fron dy fam"

T: I do believe that the beast has been tamed, O'Neill.

DM: Told ya. Now, shift your backsides. He might wake up if I'm not singing.

SC: Why don't you stay here, then?

DM: Because I will miss being able to tell how you heroically rescued the guys, then, won't I?

(On tiptoes, the heroes creep past the sleeping dragon and slink down the corridor. Joy is at the corner waiting for them. There is still no sign of the Danvers though. Where is she and what is she doing?)

JOY: There, knew the axe would come in handy.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeew.

SC: Um, Joy? We really appreciate you taking out the Jaffa guard and all, but did you have to do that to the Goa'uld larvae?

JOY: Aren't you impressed?

SC: Very. I've just never seen sliced and diced snake before.

JOY: My axe is very versatile. Better than a Ginsu knife. Not only do I use it on behalf of my Evil Overlord, it's really handy when I'm cooking large meals.

SC: I'm not really sure I wanted to know that.

"Guys, we're here. Look, the corridor goes down hill and then there's steps. This has to be the dungeon. And given the noise I'd say we're close."

"Oh boy. I don't have super hearing and I can hear it. It's awful. Will they ever get over it?"

"They are strong Major Carter. They will prevail."

For ever and ever and ever and ever you'll beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee my love...

"Hurry it up, will ya?"

(They run down the stairs and arrive at a large door. Joy sets to with her axe and chops at the lock before Teal'c pushes her out of the way and blasts it with his staff weapon. Not quite as satisfying, but quicker.)

"STOP! You will cease this torture Ares."

"Or what?"

"Or we will take you back, tie you to a chair and make you watch the entire collection of 'The Days of Our Lives'."

"You bastard. I give in. Here, they're all yours. I'll just..."

"Oh no you don't. Put that document down, big guy."

"Daniel? What is it?"

"I'll tell you when we get home, Jack. But suffice it to say, I don't think that it should ever get into anyone's hands. In fact, you should zat it out of existence."

"I should?"

"You should."

(Jack thinks about this for a moment. He gets out his zat but wavers.)

"Daniel? Is this the design to a new super weapon?"

"No, Jack, it's something far, far worse."

(Jack nods and zats it to accompanying howls from Ares. Before he can go mad with grief/annoyance/anger/petulance - delete as appropriate - Danvers turns up.)

MS D: Ares. You have been a bad boy.

ARES: I know. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

MS D: I'll think about it. In the meantime, here's a map to a tunnel taking you lot straight back to the stargate. I found it in his bedroom.

JO'N: What were you doing in his bedroom, Danvers?

JOY & DM: Duh?

JO'N: Oh. Well, thanks. Where's the door?

ARES: Go out of the dungeon, turn left, second on your right. Walk a couple of miles and you're there.

JO'N: No funny business?

ARES: Does everybody think that I'm that stupid?

DJ: What do you mean?

ARES: It's not an escape route for you lot, it's for me. The last thing I want is to get caught by one of my own traps. No, you're safe. Just... GO. I'm going to go and lie down. Jaffa, go and put the kettle on. I need some camomile tea.

MS D: You fancy a back rub?

ARES: (With a wicked smile) You're on.

Back at the SGC - FINALLY!

"So you see, General. There was no way we could bring it back. If it had ever fallen into the hands of the wrong people, untold devastation could have been wreaked on the galaxy. Individually, we can cope with these things, but if one person was to have control, the consequences wouldn't be pretty."

"Just what was it, Doctor?"

"If you're sure?"

"We're sure."

(Daniel stands up and wanders around, looking out at the inactive stargate as he gathers his thoughts.)

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Like I said, it was the details of the ten most unspeakable horrors. A sort of modern-day ten plagues of Egypt. They were:

  1. The location of previously unreleased Rod Stewart recordings from the 70s and 80s. And worse, a massive stash of tartan trousers.
  2. The genetic recipe for Kylie Minogue clones.
  3. Plans to strictly enforce a rotation of 70's and 80's fashions on an unsuspecting galaxy - the threat of Goa'uld in flares and wide collars and the Asgard in ra-ra skirts is enough to shake the universe to its core.
  4. The formula to the greatest TV curse known - soap operas.
  5. Plans to get the EU to take over Earth, but with a twist. The Germans will be the police. The Italians will be the bureaucrats. The French, heaven help us will be the diplomats. And worst of all, the British will be the cooks.
  6. The financial blueprint for installing a MacDonald's in every town in the galaxy, including drive/fly/hover-throughs in space ports.
  7. Plans to run all elections 'Big Brother' style - with the populace being impelled to watch the antics of their leaders before voting them out. The last one in rules the world.
  8. Plans to make golf compulsory - including the mandatory wearing of plus fours and loud pink checked jumpers.
  9. The secret recipe to KFC. And finally, the biggest threat in the history of mankind...
  10. The coding to the most insidious computer virus ever made. Win XP/ME

(Shock and horror creep over the faces of all present. Finally, Hammond stands up.)

"Thank you. You have saved the world again. This was a worse threat than Apophis' ships or the asteroid strike or..."

"Just how many times has the Earth been in danger, General?"

"That, Detective Sandburg is classified. Let's just say that SG-1 has saved our sorry asses more often than they should have had to. Go home, people. Rest. Finish your leave. You deserve it."

Jack and Daniel's place:


DM: Jack?

JO'N: Go away. I'm not having you reporting our sex lives again.

DJ: We're going to have sex?

JO'N: I just got you back from the clutches of the most evil Goa'uld in the universe. What do you think?

DJ: Just checking.

DM: Fine. I help you out and this is the thanks I get. Huh. I know where I'm not wanted. I'll just go then, shall I? Leave. Depart. Never mind that I got you past the dragon, passed on messages and so on. *sniff*.

DJ: DM, he didn't mean it like that.

JO'N: Yes I did.

DJ: Jack, shut up. Come back tomorrow, eh?

DM: I might. I might never come back. This might be the last time I ever write for you.

DJ: Now look what you've done, Jack. Say sorry.

JO'N: Aw shit. I'm sorry. There, I said it.

DM: *sniff* But you didn't mean it. You never do. I'm off.

"She's gone. We're in trouble."

"Yeah. I kinda got that."

(Meanwhile, outside the house.)

DM: Danvers! Get back here. Ah, there you are. Did you have to bring him?

MS D: I've got him on a leash. Look.

DM: That's a good look on him. Okay, I have a mission for you and Joy. Sneak back in the house and let me know what goes on. I have some arrangements to make.

JOY: What sort?

DM: You'll see. I'm not the Evil Overlord for nothing you know. Oh, and Ares?


DM: Demis Roussos? Amateur. I'd have used something far, far worse.

ARES: What?

DM: A continuous loop of St Winifred's School Choir singing 'There's no one quite like grandma', segued with rap versions of 'I've got a brand new combine harvester' by the Wurzles and 'Save your love' by René and Renata.

ARES: You swine.

DM: Like I said. I am the Evil Overlord.

Danvers report to DM on the antics of Jack and Daniel: (as dictated onto tape)

Well, they've followed the 'no clothes beyond two feet into the room' rule with alacrity. Woof. Ares, stop it. There is some serious lip action going on. And I mean serious. They're all over each other. Man, I had no idea that Daniel could bend that far back. I'm thinking it's Daniel's turn to get laid tonight. Yeah, he's on his back, Jack's kissing every square inch of him - squeal yes Ares, like that! OHMYGOD did you see THAT! Heck, Jack's flexible too. Daniel has just shot off the bed. I think that's not the only thing that has shot. He's got his legs draped over Jack's shoulders, Jack's getting himself ready and...

(Sounds from the background) *YES* *MOVE IT* *HARDER DAMMIT* *GODILOVEYOU!* et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Can a man's hips move that fast? Is he battery assisted? Oh God, what a filthy thought. *Snigger* Ares, behave yourself. That was a filthy suggestion. Yes, we can do it, later. If you're a lucky boy.

"I'm always lucky."

"Yes, you are, aren't you? You want to go now? Okay. Hang on, last bit of the commentary."

Jack's howling, Daniel's joining in. The book boy seems to be getting the second coming, and yes, Houston, we have lift off. There, can I go now? Ares? Put me down. Or not. Okay, DM, I'm going to drop this tape off with Joy. See you when I see you, hun.

Joy's report on Jim and Blair's reunion - without the assistance or otherwise of a local friendly war god:

Sheesh, DM, you don't half ask me to do some tough jobs. Okay, we have the guys in the bedroom, on the bed, slowly but surely getting each other undressed. I am so not going to report their conversations. I mean - ick. They're sappy. Hell, girl, they make you and me seem like the least romantic people on the planet and you know how sappy we can get. Not about each other, natch. What a thought.

I think that Blairbabe has just suggested something. A 69 no less. But, given the height difference that may be difficult. Hell, the guys are game. Jim's curled his back a lot and they seem to be getting there. On their sides, of course. There's a lot of moaning and groaning - oops, that was from me. No, there's some from them too. Hands are everywhere. Where've Jim's fingers gone? Ooh, I know. *snigger* Blair's face is a picture. Two day old stubble, a twinkle in his eyes and a dick in his mouth. Damn, he looks happy. Mind, I don't think that Naomi would be too pleased to get that Kodak moment. I'll bet he never looked that happy as a toddler with a popsicle in his mouth. I'll bet he never had as much ice cream on his face as he's got... oh shit, I think they've noticed I'm here. Better go. I'll send you this asap hun. I'm outta here.

The next morning in the kitchen:


"Phone, Jack."

"Phone who?"

"The phone's ringing."

"I know. I'm answering it. O'Neill here. General? You've done what? Thank you Sir, that's very kind. We have to go where? Texas? Okay, we'll get to the airport as soon as possible. Thank you."

"Jack? What's up?"

"As a reward for saving the galaxy again, George has arranged a special surprise holiday for us."

"He has?"

"Yeah. Apparently DM put him up to it. Said we should be treated right after all we went through."

"Wow. She does love us after all."

Later that day, somewhere in Texas:

(The boys get out of a car that was sent to pick them up from the nearby Hicksville airport. Something puts Daniel and Blair on edge. Maybe it's the huge pair of bull horns adorning the gate at the end of the drive to the ranch. Maybe, just maybe, it's the name of the ranch - Big Jock's Dude Ranch. Or maybe...)


"Yes, D?"

"Tartan. I see lots and lots of tartan. Large red and white tartan. Scarfs. Flares. It's horrible."

"Yes D. *gulp* This is too close to... you know what."

"Yeah. I'm thinking that fishing wouldn't be so bad after all."

"Me too. Jim, Jack, what do you think?"

"Ah. Crap. They've blanked, B. Jack, wake up. Come on. What is it?"

"Jim, come on, man, you can do it. Come back to me. Tell me what's wrong."

"It... it's... it's horr..."

"Jack? Talk!"

"We can hear something, Blair. Something awful."



(Big Jock looks on in bewilderment as our heroes exit, stage left. Screaming.)