Daniel was pretty certain that he'd never been as happy as he was now. Unless yesterday counted. And the day before that. And the day before th--
"OW!"
"I can hear you, Daniel. Cut it out."
Daniel rubbed his shoulder where Jack had just poked him. "I was just... being happy, Jack."
"Well, cut it out. It's too loud and the hockey game is just getting good. Go read or something." Jack burped and scratched his crotch before returning his attention to the game.
"I can do that."
Jack rolled his eyes.
Daniel walked around the house, feeling only slightly unloved, and thinking that maybe, with Jack immersed in the game, he should hightail it back to the base and get some work done. Yeah, that was the ticket. He picked up his jacket and keys and quietly left the house.
Daniel was just exiting the elevator when the klaxons went off, followed almost immediately by the usual, and this time, very nasal, "UNAUTHORIZED OFF WORLD ACTIVITY!" Daniel jogged up to the control room, curious as always.
"Hey, Sam, I thought you had a life now."
Without looking up from the computer screen, Sam said, "I do." Then, "Sir, it's Jonas."
Hammond nodded. "Very well, open the iris."
The iris swirled open and Daniel wondered once again how the hell they'd gotten the damn thing installed in the first place. Let alone how they'd built it so quickly. He sighed. One of the great mysteries of the SGC and the Air Force, he supposed. Kind of like Sam's hair and lipstick. She had to be the only Air Force major in the world who was allowed that hair cut -- or lack thereof. And why did women always add more lips to their lips with their lipstick? Ah, well, another puzzle for another day.
At that moment, Jonas walked out of the wormhole. He waved up at them and Daniel found himself wiggling his fingers back. He quickly shoved them into his pocket.
Hammond, watching the young man, muttered, "What's with the hair cut?"
"I kind of like it, Sir," Sam opined. "Reminds me of the Beatles."
"Mop cut," Daniel offered helpfully.
"Looks damn ridiculous, if you ask me," Hammond huffed.
Sam exchanged knowing looks with Daniel even as they both started down the stairs to the 'Gate room. They entered and immediately shook hands with Jonas.
"What brings you here?" Sam asked.
Eyes locked on Daniel, Jonas said, "Oh, nothing much. Just missing all of you. I had a few days vacation so thought I'd drop by."
Daniel frowned. "Surely you understand that you just cost the United States approximately seventy-thousand dollars?"
"Oh. Did I? Well, I'm worth it. So, Daniel, working on anything interesting?"
Blinking innocently, Daniel said, "As a matter of fact, yes. That's why I'm here on a Sunday. SG-69 brought back a tablet from--"
"Show me the way, Daniel," Jonas said, excited.
"Oh, well, sure. Let's go." He shot a surprised look at Sam as he led Jonas out of the 'Gateroom. She grinned and gave him a thumb's up.
They sat next to each other, the tablet between them, Daniel's magnifying glass poised over the markings. "See that one?" Daniel asked, his finger hovering over one particular pictoglyph.
"Yeah... I think it's the symbol for ... hot Goa'uld sex."
Daniel's nose wrinkled and his glasses bobbed up and down as he said, "Uhm... no."
Jonas slid an arm around the back of Daniel's chair and then kind of ... dropped it ... over Daniel's shoulders. At the same time, he moved his body closer and leaned his head in as if trying to get a better look at the tablet, but in reality, his lips were now a mere inch from Daniel's. "Why not?" he murmured low.
Blushing to the roots of his short, spiked hair, Daniel said, "Uhm, er, well, you see--"
"You know, if I were Jack O'Neill, I'd never let you out of my sight, let alone on a quiet Sunday, just the two of us," he smoothed his hand down Daniel's back, "in front of a blazing fire... a little champagne, some cheese and crackers... how does that sound?"
"He's having beer with the cheese and crackers ... and there's a hockey game on," Daniel said with a sad sigh.
"Hockey would never come between you and I... if there were a 'you and I'," Jonas purred. He slid his hand lower and squeezed Daniel's right ass cheek. "Come back to Kelowna with me, Daniel. You're a hero there now and we'll live like kings. I love you and have from the moment I saw you again."
Daniel looked into Jonas' eyes and melted. "O... kay," he finally said. Even Kelowna had to be better than a belching, inattentive Jack.
"He did WHAT?" Jack bellowed.
"He's left the SGC and has gone to live with Jonas, Sir," Sam said, her eyes big and round and innocent. She batted her lashes.
"I do NOT believe this. One minute we're as happy as two clams, and then he deserts me for ... for... JONAS??!?!?!"
Trying to look sad for Jack's sake, Sam said, "Daniel always has been a bit of a ... flake, Sir. But now you can start over, find a new love, someone who will take care of you, share long looks of longing over the General's head, pretend to not care when the other one is hurt, get snippy when the other one is missing--"
"Carter, I did that with Daniel and I do that with you. What did it get me?"
"It could get you ... me, if you woo me right this time," Sam suggested... suggestively.
Jack blinked his big brown cow eyes at her before saying, "It could?"
Sam batted her eyelashes again and turned sideways, thanking God she was wearing her tank top as she stuck out her chest. "It could," she purred, unknowingly mimicking Jonas.
"Wow," Jack said as his gaze drifted....
Teal'c was in a Jaffa funk, which was considerably worse than the funk of a Taur'i (or Tau'ri, or whatever). DanielJackson was gone, which meant that he now had no reason to ever say "DanielJackson" again, thus robbing a certain number of fanfiction authors the opportunity to run Daniel's name together. Teal'c liked saying "DanielJackson". He liked saying it a great deal. But now, alas, no more would he be able to say "DanielJackson". But damn it, he could think it as many times as he damn well pleased.
DanielJackson, DanielJackson, DanielJackson....
He sighed and wished again that kel-no-reem was still something he had to do. Drifting in a meditative state allowed him to imagine having DanielJackson in his bed. It was a narrow bed which led to thoughts of ... stacking. DanielJackson would be on the bottom (Jaffa were NEVER bottoms), Teal'c on top. Sometimes, Teal'c would imagine DanielJackson face down, and other times -- face up, legs wrapped securely around Teal'c's waist....
Wait. This is ... R rated.
Anyway, he really wished he could still kel-no-reem with the best of them.
And would someone please tell him what the .... was going on with O'Neill and Major Carter? (and why didn't anyone run "Major Carter" together?)
His world was in flux and he did not like it. Not one bit.
"Ambassador, what can we do for you?" General George Hammond asked from his seat in the briefing room. Jack, Sam and Teal'c turned to look at the new ambassador from Kelowna.
"I have come to ask for your aid."
"Please, not another naquadria problem," Jack said sarcastically.
"No, this is of a more... personal nature. A very ... discreet nature."
All four unconsciously leaned forward.
"We have come to ask you to ... take Doctor Daniel Jackson back before something horrific happens to him."
"What exactly do you mean by 'horrific'?" Jack asked, clearly worried out of his skull. Or not.
"Jonas has been torturing him and we believe that Daniel is close to suicide. We can not intervene as torture by weird hair-dos is not illegal. But we value Daniel and we hope that you will put a stop to this."
Jack was up so fast that his chair tumbled backward. "I'll go immediately and bring him back, Sir."
"Maybe you'd better, Colonel. I don't like the sound of this and I know how bad Jonas' hair can be. Make it so."
Jack frowned and looked at Teal'c, who mouthed, "Jean Luc Picard."
"Ah. Right."
"Colonel... Sir... Jack," Sam entreated. "What about us? You're going off after Daniel as if we don't matter, as if we're not boinking on a regular basis. As if we're not ... you know... in UST."
"We do boink regularly, so how can we be in UST?"
"Never mind," Sam said as she waved a hand in the air. "Just... why go after him?"
Jack looked at Sam, at her lips, wherever they were, and her hair, which looked considerably better than last season, and her chest, which looked positively normal now that she had him in her bed, and said, "I don't love you, Carter, and I would think that the fact that I still call you Carter, even in bed, or in the back of the truck, or on the dining room table, or on the M.A.L.P--"
"That was only once...."
"... or on the F.R.E.D. or General Hammond's office, or Siler's work bench, and don't think I didn't notice how hot that got you, by the way, so what I'm saying is -- I love Daniel, I will always love Daniel, and it's my job to save him. I'm going, Carter, and nothing you say will stop me. Sorry."
"So be that way."
Frowning because he didn't have a clue what she meant, Jack said, "Okaaay," and started to leave. He froze when he heard the unmistakable sound of a zat gun popping open. He turned.
"You're not leaving me, Jack... er, Sir... Colonel. If I can't have Jonas or Daniel, then you're it."
"Now Carter, we both know you're not going to use that thing. Besides, if you did, if you killed me, Thor would be very upset. He has a thing for me, you know."
That was all it took -- Sam fired -- twice. It was one thing to lose Daniel and Jonas, but to be reminded that Thor liked Jack best -- with Daniel running a close second -- well, it was more than her poor brain could handle, thanks to so much hair teasing.
Jack crumbled to the floor -- deader than a Goa'uld door nail. Or any other kind of door nail, for that matter. Although Daniel would have argued that a door nail was alive, but then, Jack was dead so he didn't give a damn whether a door nail was dead or alive.
At that moment, Teal'c walked in. He took one look at the body of his very best friend in the world, and the only man he hadn't had wet dreams about, and immediately took the zat from Sam's hand. Eyes blazing, he said, "You have taken our leader's life and for that, you must suffer the same!"
He fired -- twice.
Sam fell to the ground -- but very carefully so as to not muss either her hair or her lipstick, and in such a way that it showed off her boobs to their best advantage.
Teal'c dropped to his knees, lifted Jack onto his lap, and cried out, "This is all JONAS' FAULT!"
"Daniel, I'm afraid I have very bad news," Jonas said as he walked into Daniel's lab, which looked remarkably like his lab at the SGC.
Daniel looked up and almost gasped. Jonas' hair was still in the mop cut, but now the ends... he'd ... the ends had been... flipped upward! Dear God....
"Major Carter killed Colonel O'Neill, Daniel. And then Teal'c killed Major Carter."
For a moment, the world stood still. It probably didn't, and Sam could probably have told anyone who would listen what would happen if the world ever did stand still, but it really seemed to stand still and that meant that Jonas wasn't breathing, and Daniel found that he liked that idea, liked it very much, because wasn't this all his fault? Okay, it was probably Daniel's fault, but he was in no mood to deal with that because it would be so much easier to foist the blame onto Jonas -- so he took the gun out of his drawer -- a little reminder of Jack -- and fired -- twice.
Jonas, careful of his hair, fell to the ground -- dead. They didn't have the doornail saying on Kelowna, so he was pretty much just... dead.
Seeing all that awful hair... Daniel couldn't help himself. He grabbed up a knife and if he was subliminating Sam's season 4 and 7 hair, well, who could blame him?
When he was done, he was so shocked by his actions, and by the fact that Jack was well and truly dead (Jonas didn't matter - duh), that he didn't want to live any longer. He dropped the knife and picked up the gun again, but this time, he held the muzzle to his own temple.
"Wait, Daniel Jackson."
Maybe it was the fact that his name hadn't been run together that did it, or maybe he really didn't want to die ... again, but whatever it was, he stopped and turned around. To find himself facing... Anubis.
"You do not wish to do this. Not when you can have so much."
"I've lost everything. What Apophis didn't take, you did, and what you didn't take, Carter did."
"Okay, that's true, but what Anubis takes... okay, he can't give back, but I can give you... the world. Galaxies. Power." He moved slowly forward, his hand outstretched. "Remember the dream Shifu gave you? Did you die in it?"
"No-o-o...."
"No. Were you not in charge of the entire world?"
Daniel remembered the dream, and since Carter was already dead, as was Jack, there seemed to be no harm in remembering all the good things, like the nifty house and the satin robe, and everyone at his beck and call....
"You like the memory, don't you? It can all be yours, Daniel. Simply take my hand and it shall be yours -- and I'll be able to see you in that white sweater and slacks--"
"Cream," Daniel said absently. "They were really kind of cream."
"Take my hand, Daniel."
With the only man he'd ever cared about -- dead -- there seemed to be no reason not to. He took the gloved hand.
"As we understand it, Mister President, Doctor Jackson has now joined Anubis. We do not know how to stop them, but Jacob arrived a few minutes ago and I have great hope that he and Teal'c can stop Doctor Jackson without harming him. I'm certain that hearing the news of the deaths of both Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, on top of the truly hideous torture perpetrated on him by Jonas Quinn, was responsible for sending Doctor Jackson over the edge.... Yes, Sir, I understand. And thank you."
George put the phone down and signed heavily. He prayed Teal'c could do this. He rose slowly and walked out into the briefing room where Jacob sat patiently waiting.
"Jacob. Anise."
The Tokr'a (or Tok'ra) woman, looking, if possible, even more... plastic than in previous episodes... er... meetings, nodded regally in George's direction. "I am certain that we can stop Anubis and Doctor Jackson. We have discovered a new weapon, which I am wearing now." She stood up and pivoted smartly, showing off a rather ... voluptuous chest plate. "I believe this will allow me to get close enough to Daniel Jackson to use this," she held up a small gun, "a dart that will penetrate his skin and knock him out. We will then be able to--"
Her words were interrupted by the arrival of Teal'c.
"Oh, my God," Jacob said.
George simply stared, open-mouthed, while Anise began to fan herself.
Teal'c was not in his typical SGC uniform. Instead, he wore a blue lycra, one-piece jump suit. On the front of the tank portion of the suit, the letters "AJ" were emblazoned in gold.
Teal'c walked over to George and canted his head as he said, "I am ready for my quest, General Hammond."
"Very good, Teal'c. Now that Stargate SG-1 has come to an end, so goes the show. I'll remain here, just in case you need me in a later episode ... at a later time, but basically, this show is yours, Teal'c. Take care, don't go prima donna on us, and stay away from hosting schlocky SCI-FI shows, okay?"
"I will endeavor to maintain only the highest standards the writers will allow, General. And I swear to you that I shall not fail in bringing DanielJackson back to us."
Anise walked quickly to his side and said, "This will help." She thumped the breast plate.
Teal'c's eyebrow rose as he stated, "I do not believe that will be of any assistance in rescuing DanielJackson. His... desires run in another direction. However, it will undoubtedly keep Jacob Carter quite happy on our journeys."
"Actually, Teal'c," Jacob said as he too got to his feet and joined his team members, "I'm afraid that Daniel and I have similar ... leanings. But surely you'll enjoy--"
"I am afraid not, Jacob Carter. My leanings are toward... DanielJackson."
"Then we could be in trouble later on down the line. Not only have you taken my daughter from me -- not that I don't blame you -- but now it appears that we are in competition."
Smiling enigmatically, Teal'c said, "Then let the games begin."
"GOD NO!!!!"
Jack bolted upright at the yell from the man sleeping next to him. He turned and began to gently shake him. "Daniel? Come on, wakey-wakey. You're having a bad dream."
Daniel struggled up, eyes flying open. Jack quickly turned on the light and said, "It's okay, I'm here."
Daniel blinked owlishly (does anyone really do that?) and said, "Jack?"
"None other. Must have been some dream."
Daniel swiped a hand over his face and shuddered. "Damn, it was awful. You were belching and scratching and taking me for granted, I left with Jonas, who had a truly bad hair cut--"
"That's not news, Daniel."
"... and you took out your anger at me by getting involved with Sam until you found out Jonas was torturing me--"
"I'll kill him."
"... with a new hairdo every day, but Sam killed you before you could leave, and Teal'c, devastated by your death, killed Sam, and then I found out and killed Jonas, God knows why--"
"Not."
"... and when I was going to kill myself over losing you, Anubis came and convinced me to join him, which I did -- and apparently for a nifty house and satin robe -- and then Jacob and Anise joined forces with Teal'c, who had on this sky blue jump suit that had 'AJ' on the front--"
"For Avenging Jaffa, no doubt."
"... and they... huh? How do you know what 'AJ' means?"
Jack shrugged and ran a hand through his bedhead. "Stands to reason. Teal'c on a mission, oh, yeah, avenging Jaffa."
"Ah. Okay. Makes sense."
"About the belching and scratching part? Was that because I wouldn't have sex during the game today?"
"You did have sex during the game today. It's just that when you hit the high point of the session, they scored. You nearly choked me to death."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, what can I say?"
"You could remind me of rule number four: Thou shalt not go down on Jack during the playoffs."
"Would it do any good?"
Daniel grinned. "Nope."
"There ya go. And by the way, there are no playoffs going on right now, Daniel."
"No kidding?"
Jack reached for him. "No kidding. And were you wearing that sexy cream-colored outfit in your dream?"
"Yep, and thank you for knowing it was cream. Anubis called it white."
"The idiot. No fashion sense at all."
"None."
Jack kissed Daniel, who kissed him back. When Jack's lips left Daniel's and went for a walk-about down Daniel's neck, Daniel whispered, "By the way, everyone had the hots for me in my dream, but I only wanted you."
Jack lifted his lips just long enough to say, "Everyone does have the hots for you, they just know you belong to me, belching and scratching be damned."
"Jack, put your mouth to better use, okay?"
Jack saluted and did as ordered.
The End....