"Colonel, what's the meaning of this?" Hammond said, gesturing at Teal'c. The Jaffa sat at Hammond's left wearing the largest, most shit-eating grin Hammond had ever seen on anyone. Ever. It was more than disconcerting. More than alarming. That smile on that face made Hammond wonder if an exorcism would be considered a proportional response.
"Meaning, sir?" Jack eyed Teal'c as if just seeing the Jaffa's expression for the first time. "No meaning. Teal'c's just... happy."
"Happy?" Hammond said skeptically.
"Told you he wouldn't buy it," Daniel muttered to Jack.
"What happened on that planet?" Hammond asked.
"Nothing at all of any importance occurred on this mission," Teal'c said calmly. Still grinning.
"You were gone for six hours," Hammond pointed out. "You must have done something."
"Or... someone," Jack muttered.
"Several someones," Daniel agreed.
"Not me," Sam added sadly.
"Colonel--did you or did you not meet the people in the village identified by the UAV?"
"We did, sir. Nice bunch of very friendly, very lonely Jaffa women."
"And?" Hammond prompted.
"And... nothing, sir."
"The men of this village have been away for a very long time fighting in the army of their false god," Teal'c said.
"Yes, a very, very long time," Daniel said. "So Teal'c felt he should offer the women... reassurance."
"Is that what you're calling it now?" Sam said.
"What Teal'c gave those women can be very reassuring," Jack said defensively.
"Except to you," Sam smirked.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jack shot back.
"Oh, don't think I didn't see you trying to convince Daniel that you had as much 'reassurance' as Teal'c," Sam said.
"Jack may have less reassurance but he knows how to use it," Daniel said.
"Yeah! So there... What did you say?" Jack said, turning on Daniel.
"Nothing," Daniel said quickly.
"You said I had less reassurance," Jack said. "And how the hell would you know anyway? Checking out the competition?"
"I didn't have to check it out," Daniel said. "You could hardly have missed that staff weapon he was wielding."
"I missed it," Sam said sadly. "And god knows I tried not to."
"If you wish, O'Neill, I would be more than happy to offer assistance." Teal'c offered magnanimously. Still grinning.
"I don't need assistance," Jack said. "Daniel likes the way I handle my staff weapon just fine."
"And when that fifteen minutes is over?" Teal'c said archly.
"People," Hammond said loudly. "Kindly remember this is a debriefing and as such I would like to proceed with being debriefed."
"Whoa... that's a bad image," Jack said.
"On the other hand, it's something maybe Sam should consider," Daniel said, jumping as Sam kicked him under the table.
"Colonel O'Neill," Hammond said between clenched jaws. "What happened on this mission?"
"We went, we met the nice ladies, Teal'c reassured them, and we came home."
"Then why the hell is Teal'c smiling like that?" Hammond demanded, persisting in the face of odds he knew to be very nearly insurmountable. Unlike SG-1, certain members of which were mounted so frequently that it made Hammond's head spin.
"I am... happy," Teal'c said, the shit-eating grin still planted firmly on his face.
"But why?"
"No reason," Teal'c said.
"But you were gone for six hours!"
"Yeah, who would've thought Junior could provide so much stamina," Jack said enviously.
"Stamina?" Hammond asked.
"Impressive endurance," Daniel said, sounding a little jealous himself.
Sam just moaned.
"Oh, looks like I'm just in time," Janet said with delight, hurrying to take a seat next to Sam.
"Et tu, Doctor?" Hammond said.
"I merely wish to offer my professional opinion on the matter, sir," Janet said.
"Which matter?" Hammond said.
"Teal'c's endurance," Janet said. "My initial testing indicated impressive staying power and numerous trials have served to verify my original data."
Sam moaned again, sounding bereft.
"Tests?" Daniel asked.
"Well, as you know, when Master Teal'c joined us he volunteered his body for scientific study," Janet said.
"Giving your all for science, eh, Teal'c?" Jack said.
"Indeed," Teal'c said in a voice so low and mellifluous that Jack and Daniel both nearly spontaneously climaxed. Janet fanned herself briskly.
"Why is it never me?" Sam moaned, burying her head on her arms.
"Buck up there, Carter. You'll get laid one of these days. Eventually." Jack turned to look at Daniel. "Bound to happen, right?"
"Don't look at me," Daniel said, scandalized by the thought.
"Sex?" Hammond interrupted. "We are--we're talking about sex again, aren't we? Does SG-1 ever go on a mission where someone doesn't have sex?"
Sam raised her hand and waved without lifting her head from the table.
"Harlan's planet," Teal'c suggested.
"Sorry, big guy, but while you were being re... grown, I was living out my twin fantasy," Jack said.
"Two Daniel Jacksons or two O'Neills?" Teal'c asked.
"Two Daniels, of course," Jack said smugly.
"Jack sandwich," Daniel sighed, smiling at the memory.
"Two of them," Sam sobbed into her arms. "There were two of them and I still didn't get any."
"Could we try to focus on the business at hand?" Hammond asked. Everyone looked at him as if the last marble careening randomly around his skull had finally fallen out. Which, Hammond had to concede, was entirely possible at this point. "And Teal'c, could you please stop smiling?"
"I cannot," Teal'c said.
"We tried, General," Sam said. "Even the colonel's stupid jokes didn't work."
"Look at this way, General--at least it's a change from his other two expressions," Jack said.
"Two? I thought he only had one," Hammond said.
"Nope, two. There's the 'I'm a Jaffa... and you're not' expression," Jack said. "And the... what's the other one?"
"The 'You're a Tau'ri, and I'm not' expression," Daniel said.
"Isn't that the same thing?" Hammond asked.
"There's a subtle difference," Daniel assured him.
"But I am curious, T--how long does the grin last?" Jack asked.
"Many hours," Teal'c said.
"Hours? As in... . Hours?" Daniel repeated. "That's some afterglow."
"Well, you see, Jaffa have both a prostate and a G-spot," Janet said. "Makes for a doozy of an orgasm and the ensuing glow is proportionate."
"Both?" Jack said. "Does that mean he's one of those aprodites?"
"Hermaphrodites," Daniel said.
"What I said."
"No, you called him an aphrodite."
"So what's an aphrodite?"
"Well, I don't know. Aphrodite was the goddess of love," Daniel began. Jack gave him the 'and-so-but-therefore?' look. "Never mind."
"Jaffa are not hermaphrodites," Janet said firmly. "They're just designed to maximize sexual pleasure."
"Damn it!" Jack banged his fist on the table.
"Colonel?"
"I knew you'd screw up my sex life," Jack accused Sam.
"Me? How could I screw up your sex life?" Sam asked.
"Trying to sleep with him comes to mind," Daniel said acerbically.
"That's low, Daniel," Sam said.
"Not as low as Jack would be after you finished with him." Daniel made a digging motion. "About six feet low."
"Never happen," Jack promised. "Which brings me back to my original point."
"You had a point?" Sam asked.
"I always have a point."
"Right at the top of his wittle head," Janet said absently, making notations in her file.
"Ah... I think I'd know if Jack had a pointed head," Daniel said. "I mean--that would hurt."
"She wasn't talking about that head," Jack whispered loudly.
"Oh, well, she could've been. Teal'c's is kind of pointy."
"I'd describe it as aerodynamic," Janet said.
"Aerodynamic?" Jack said. "What the hell does that mean? Is he going to launch the damn thing?"
"If he does it better be in my direction," Sam said.
Hammond wondered briefly if the Pope was taking new applications for sainthood, because George was damn near sure he'd earned it. After all, he hadn't arrested, gagged, or straightjacketed any member of SG-1. Not recently.
"Anyway," Jack said loudly. "My point was... Damn it, I lost my point again."
"Major Carter destroyed your sex life," Teal'c prompted.
"Yes, thank you. You couldn't just let me be when Hathor gave me my very own Junior, could you, Carter? No, you just had to 'save' me," Jack complained. "If it weren't for you I could--at this very moment--be giving Daniel the ride of his life."
"No, you could not," Hammond thundered. "You are an officer under my command and I would forbid it."
"With all due, and undue, respect, General--if I were still a Jaffa I'd hardly be sitting here taking orders from a pathetic human slave such as yourself. Sir."
"People!" Hammond growled. "Aside from Teal'c's... endeavors, what did you do on this mission? Did you learn anything? And could someone please make him stop smiling like that!"
"Well, we learned that a Jaffa has a lot of... " Daniel's words trailed off at Hammond's steaming scowl.
"That reminds me," Janet said, making a note in her file. "Teal'c, we'll need to do some follow up tests."
"As you wish, Dr. Fraiser."
"I can help," Sam said eagerly.
"No, you can't."
"Bitch," Sam said, stunned that her best friend wouldn't share.
"Find your own reassurance," Janet said.
"She did," Daniel said. "Then they all died."
"That's it," Hammond said. "I'm placing an immediate ban on all sex involving any and all members of the SGC anywhere, anytime. In any reality."
"Yeah, like that'll be a change for me," Sam said.
"You can't do that," Daniel said, looking at Jack in panic. "It's... it's unconstitutional."
"I don't care!" Hammond snapped.
"Geez, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed," Jack muttered.
"Maybe Sam getting together with the general isn't such a bad idea," Daniel said.
"You saying the general just needs to get laid?" Jack asked.
"It's a theory," Daniel said with a shrug.
"That's disgusting," Sam said. She froze and glanced at the general. "Uh... no offense, sir."
"Offense taken. Now get out before I lose the two remaining threads of my self control," Hammond said. Jack and Daniel both threw sullen, thwarted looks at the general as they left. Major Carter's trigger finger was twitching as she shot dire looks at Dr. Fraiser. Teal'c...
"And someone stop that damn Jaffa from grinning!"
Hammond let out a heavy sigh once silence had retaken the room. After a moment of blissful peace, he looked around for his trusted aide and co-conspirator in the ongoing cover-up of SG-1's escapades, Sergeant Davis. Predictably, Davis was waiting just outside the door.
"Any advice on how to explain this one, Sergeant?" Hammond asked, waving Davis into the room.
"Teal'c's an alien, sir. Do we really even want to try to explain it?"
"Good point," Hammond said, getting up from the table. "Oh, and Sergeant... "
"Tape is burning as we speak, sir."