"Can you see them? Are they all right?"
Teal'c adjusted their one remaining pair of binoculars. "They appear to be uninjured, Major Carter.. O'Neill has just assisted DanielJackson to his feet and appears to be discussing their situation."
Sam squinted toward the huge wooden cage where the two captive members of SG-1 had been tossed by a dozen irate natives. Impossible to tell for sure at this distance but the taller of the two didn't look happy. "Discussing?"
"Yes. Loudly."
"For cryin' out loud, Daniel, I told you to make nice with these guys!"
"I was nice but apparently it's taboo to ask about the body piercing!"
"You were supposed to be asking about the naquadah!"
Daniel leaned forward until his nose was about a centimeter from Jack's. "Which they use," he snapped, enunciating each syllable with cold precision, "for the body piercing!"
A great deal of indignant breathing warmed the air between them. Finally Jack snorted and backed away. "I knew that." He ran a hand through his hair, stared around their prison and sighed. "At least it won't be too hard for Teal'c and Carter to break us out.." A rattling of an upright brought three natives over on the run, jabbing their spears through the bars. "I just really wish these guys were wearing clothes."
"They're probably a lot more comfortable than we are." Daniel pulled his sweaty t-shirt out away from his body. "Given the temperature and the humidity, naked makes more sense. And it's not like they're really naked. I mean they are wearing a lot of...
"Jewelry."
"Yeah."
Pretty much everything that could be pierced, was.
"And the tattoos look..."
"Painful."
"Yeah."
Bits that weren't usually tattooed, had been.
The all male hunting party was essentially -- but not entirely -- human. Whether they came from different stock or the Goa'uld who'd planted them here had made a few adaptations, no one on SG-1 had been able to tell for certain. The two biggest differences involved a thickening of the skin into an almost scale over the spine and the way the penis was partially tucked up inside a sheath.
"Since they're not in any real danger, I say we wait and give Daniel a chance to work this out." Sam settled her elbows more securely in the dirt and lifted the binoculars.. "We monitor in case the situation changes, but we wait."
Teal'c nodded. "As the natives are in range of both of our weapons, I agree."
Tuning out Jack's bitching about the heat with the ease of long practice, Daniel paced the perimeter of the cage and studied their captors. Their language was similar enough to Polynesian that he'd been able to make himself understood but the differences made it difficult to eavesdrop on conversations he wasn't actually in. As a result he spent his time studying body language and social clues.
"Uh, Jack... come here for a minute would you."
"Daniel, here is three feet from where I am."
"You need this angle."
"Oh for... " Jack heaved himself up onto his feet and walked over to stand beside the younger man. "What?"
"Their leader..."
"The guy with all the fronds in his head-dress."
"Yeah. Does his penis look different than the others?"
Jack ran a weary hand up through his hair. "Daniel, why are you looking at this guy's... equipment?"
"Equipment?" Daniel turned to face Jack, grinning broadly. "You can put one in your mouth but you can't call it by its actual name?"
"And if you ever want me to put one in my mouth -- or anywhere else ever again -- you can not give me a hard time about this."
"I think it's cute."
"Daniel!"
"You seem to be okay with dick..."
"I'm okay with your dick! Okay?" He jerked his head toward the native leader. "Just not his! Jesus Daniel, I'm in the Air Force! I can't just go around staring at strange dicks!"
"This is important."
"Fine. I know I'm going to regret this but why?"
"His is bigger."
"Bigger?"
"Noticeably.."
"Size queen.. OW!" He rubbed his shoulder where Daniel had punched him. "And this is important because?"
"I think it's how they chose their leader."
"Based on the size of his dick?"
"Evidence seems to point that way."
"And we can use this information how?"
"Well, based on the sheathing that covers a good part of their penile shaft I think I can safely say that both of us are..."
"Daniel."
"Jack?"
"I don't think I like where this is going."
"Look, the biggest dick wins so all we'd have to do to achieve a peaceful resolution to this problem is to lay our assets on the line. No one gets hurt. No one gets carried bleeding back through the gate. Maybe we even discover where the naquadah comes from. It'd be nice to finish a mission with all four of us standing. Not to mention bringing back some good news to get the guys at the Pentagon off the General's back and..."
"All right.." A raised hand cut off the flow of words. Daniel could keep going indefinitely if he had to. "Fine. You've convinced me."
"Uh, Teal'c..." Sam passed the binoculars back to the Jaffa. "... the guys doing what it looks like they're doing?"
An eyebrow rose. "It looks as though they are, in the words of Major Ferretti, dropping trou.."
Sam decided she didn't need to know the context of that particular conversation. "That's what I thought. You think we should go in?"
"No. I think we should wait. I think this is DanielJackson's solution."
"Looks like they've noticed us."
"Ya think?!"
Their sudden exposure had resulted in a lot of excited and incomprehensible shouting as well which had lead to their leader walking slowly across the packed earth to the cage, the bell attached to the hoop piercing his scrotum ringing with each step.
He glared down at the pair of exposed genitalia. When one of his men made an obvious comment about relative sizes, he snarled. When the comment was repeated, he snapped a single syllable.
"Daniel?"
"His men have noticed he's no longer the biggest prick in the playground. He told them to wait."
"For what? It's not like he's going to get any bigger!"
Daniel turned his head toward Jack and gave him the full eyebrow treatment.
"You have GOT to be kidding me!"
Sam had decided it would be better for team dynamics if she handed the binoculars over to Teal'c permanently. Lying on her back, staring up at a cloud shaped like an F-18, she murmured, "So, what's happening now?"
"The leader of the natives is becoming excited."
"Excited? ... Oh."
"That's uh... very..."
"Pink."
"Yeah. And that's an interesting pattern."
"I think it's a snake."
"Loops around a lot. But otherwise not so..."
"Definitely not," Daniel agreed. "You've got him beat by inches, Jack."
"Maybe not inches, but... Hang on!" Whirling around as quickly as the trousers draped around his ankles allowed, Jack glared at a suspiciously blank faced archeologist.. "Why me?"
Blue eyes gleamed. "Remember that quarter inch you were so proud of? Don't worry, I'll talk you through it."
"No! Forget it, Daniel! Flashing the family jewels is one thing but coming to full attention... NO!" As he reached for his pants, Daniel's hand closed around his wrist..
"We're in this too far to back out now, Jack. Do you really want to insult a man who's had that done to his foreskin?"
"So who's going to bat for our team?"
"That would be Colonel O'Neill."
"Interesting..."
"In what way?"
Sam felt her cheeks burn. "Uh, never mind."
"... naked on the bed, you're stroking yourself lightly with one hand as you watch me undress. Shirt, jeans, boxers; my cock is already so hard it's leaking a little. I straddle your thighs, push your hand away, and lean forward until the head of your cock is just inside the circle of my lips. Then I lick the tip, tasting you. You thread your fingers through my hair and push my mouth down until my lips touch my fist. I'm working my tongue against the underside of..."
Jack raised a hand, his breathing ragged. "I think that's got it."
Daniel ran an expert eye over the exhibit in question. "Not quite. As soon as you allow it, I suck my way slowly back to the tip of your cock and let it fall out of my mouth as I reach for the oil. Covering both hands I work it into you until you're slick and glistening and then I shift forward until I'm straddling your hips, rise up on my knees and reach back to prepare myself. My hips are thrust forward now and you reach for my cock but I pull it back out of reach of your fingers then rise a little higher, look you right in the eye, and impale myself. One long, smooth movement and you're inside me, balls deep."
"Jesus fuck Daniel!!"
His voice not entirely steady, Daniel nodded in satisfaction. "Yeah, that's done it."
"And now?"
"They appear to be taking measurements."
"You're kidding me."
Teal'c slowly turned his head toward her. "Why," he asked, "would I fabricate this situation?"
"It was more an expression of... never mind. Who's winning?"
"It appears Colonel O'Neill is triumphant. They have reclothed themselves, cage is being opened, and DanielJackson is indicating that we should approach."
"Well, if Daniel thinks it's safe..." Rising to her feet, Sam draped her P-90 over one shoulder and glanced thoughtfully at her companion. "Just a suggestion, Teal'c, but maybe you'd better keep your pants on."
"Indeed."
General Hammond stared at his premier first contact team, currently sprawled in the kind of positions that suggested they were not only hung over but hung over and over and over, and sighed. "I assume you found some common ground with the natives?"
Daniel lifted his head out of his hands and winced at the bright lights. "Yes sir, after an initial misunderstanding, they accepted us with open arms. Big, big party where after a few uh... toasts, they made Jack an honorary chief. He now has complete and total access to an old naquadah mine."
"Well I'm pleased your mission was such a..." The general paused as Major Carter raced down the ramp and threw up in a garbage pail. "... Perhaps you'd all best head to the infirmary and we can save any further information for the debriefing."
With a gracious nod, Teal'c moved onto the floor, handed his staff weapon to a Marine, scooped the team's astrophysist up into his arms, and headed out of the gateroom. Daniel draped one of Jack's arms over his shoulders and the two of them followed considerably more slowly.
"Colonel O'Neill, have you been injured? You're walking a little..." He was, in fact, walking considerably bowlegged.
The colonel merely groaned but Daniel threw a reassuring smile in the general's direction. "It's part of the whole honorary chief thing, sir. During the party, Jack got decorated."
"Decorated? Keep walking," he ordered when it appeared Dr. Jackson was going to explain. "You both look like hell and I don't want any more accidents in the gate room."
He couldn't help thinking, as the two men limped past, that it was going to be one hell of a debriefing. Just for starters, he'd love to know why Colonel O'Neill's every step was accompanied by the slightly muffled sound of a ringing bell...
--end--