Dear Daniel,
I've no freakin' clue what to say in one of these things. I'm writing in one simply because I feel closer to you by doing it. Probably sounds stupid, doesn't it? No one's going to see it, but at this point, I really don't give a rat's ass if they do.
I can't believe how hard this is. Why I'm surprised by this I'll never know. I loved you. I still love you. More than ever. I miss you so damn bad. If you were to come back now, I'd hug the crap out of you, knock the crap out of you, then fuck the crap out of you. This is sad, isn't it?
It's been a week since you...you know, whatever. Ascended. Teal'c's not his usual self. Seems quieter, if that's possible. Maybe it's just the vibes he's giving off. I don't know. Carter's pissed off at me. She thinks I should be showing more grief but I think you know why I can't. I damn near blew it the other day. I thought I'd gotten myself together. You'd only been gone a few hours, I think. I don't remember now. I'd gone out on the mountain, where you usually went to, you know? I did it because I had to pull myself together. Thought I did. I'm back inside, walking down the corridor and suddenly I'm seeing you in front of me, and it was that day we came back from meeting the Nox. That look you gave me...I lost it. Had to go hide in a closet. In a fucking closet. And I cried. I didn't want to but the damn shit just wouldn't hold back. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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Dear Daniel,
Carter's still mad. If she thinks I'm going to open up to her and bare my soul, she can just fuck off and die. Okay, I say that because I've been drinking. Had about a quarter of this JD bottle we never opened. Don't worry. I'm not falling into a dive like I did after Charlie. It's just that I've four days off and right now, I'm tired and don't give a damn.
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Dear Daniel.
FUCK.
I forgot. Forced myself to, I suppose.
I had to start packing up your apartment. Carter and Teal'c wanted to help. So did the others, like Fraiser and Cassie. But I wanted to do it by myself.
I couldn't get rid of your things, Daniel. Even if you'd wanted me to, I couldn't. Half of it is in a new storage locker and the rest is in my house. Over the last few days, I've spent my downtime doing that.
I never realized you had so much shit. Stuff. I meant stuff.
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Dear Daniel,
Back at work.
I've been getting these hard-ons over the last two days, as if my dick's got a mind of its own. Weird, because for a week, I haven't been able to get it up at all. But ever since yesterday morning, after I woke up from an amazingly erotic dream, I'd think of sex with you and that'd be that. Instant hard-on. So, I thought, what the hell. Earlier, I stripped my shorts down and grabbed my dick, trying to remember how you used to touch me, which wasn't that difficult. I was looking at your pictures, but for some reason, I couldn't get that one specific feeling. So, I rooted around and found some gay porn. I'd totally forgotten that you'd stashed those CDs in my entertainment center. Some of that stuff I hadn't seen with you and I'll assume you were planning on showing it to me.
So, I put the CDs in and jerked off on the couch, watching these guys fuck and suck each other's brains out. But something weird happened. I couldn't come until I watched the heavier stuff, like those role-play scenes. The rough sex, the bondage and the pseudo-virgin-rape shit was what did it. I'm surprised. We thought of doing that once, but never got round to it. Guess that's why you bought those, wasn't it? Sort of a prelude? Didn't think I'd like watching it, but it was the only way I could come. Maybe I like this harder stuff now because it feeds off the anger I have about missing you. I don't know. I'm losing my mind.
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Dear Daniel,
Tried it again, viewing those CDs, just to see if it was a one-off sort of deal. I guess it was as I didn't get off. Until I thought that you were watching me.
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Dear Daniel,
I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone. I totally flipped over a song today. A song! Not even one I particularly liked but the words just hit me and that was that. I heard it on the radio in the commissary and I just...froze. I'm standing there, holding my tray, waiting for Teal'c to load up his, and for once, the bastards in the commissary were playing it loud enough for me to hear the lyrics.
It was like reaching in and grabbing my heart and pulling it straight through my chest. I had to get out of there, so I went and holed up in my office and buried myself in paperwork and didn't eat till I got home. I feel like such a freak, exposed and vulnerable. The song, by the way, was Madonna's "Live to Tell." I can't believe I knew the name or the singer.
I never thought of us as having a song. I did with Sara, but that seems more like a guy-girl thing to do. With you and me, it never seemed to fit. Well, okay, there was that one song by the Beatles, but that was New Year's of 2000 and we were drunk. And it was your fault, too, humming that stupid Yesterday song, then singing it in my ear and making me laugh. I think I remember that mostly because you had your dick up my ass at the time. It was funny then. Not so funny now. Maybe it will be again.
It hurts. It fucking hurts. Not you being gone. I can understand that sort of. It hurts that I wasted so much time in the last six months, taking you for granted. I'd grown cynical, complacent, and one big pain in the ass.
Screw it. It damn well *does* hurt because you're gone. And because there's not a goddamn fucking thing I can do about it.
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Dear Daniel,
Are you out there doing glowy stuff? Maybe it's important, I don't know. It had better be to have given up this bad high risk job. On a selfish note, I hope it's important enough to have left me for.
I'm using one of your blank journals. I wanted to use the one with the leather binder but for some stupid reason you chose to use that as your mission journal and now the damn thing's at the base and used as some sort of reference book. You're now officially a science tool. That's funny. Even ascended, you're still a geek. Nerd. Whatever.
Went out on a mission to save the Asgard's butts. Why is it that we're always doing that but getting nothing in return? Nevermind. Thor's in pretty bad shape. You remember Thor, right? Li'l grey guy, weird sense of humour, but the only alien I know who actually gets me. I think he does. He blinks like he does. Poor guy's not doing so good. I hate that. Carter said he slipped into a coma. Whatever that means to an Asgard.
Met a new one. Heimdall. A scientist. Had a feminine voice but I still think of him as a 'him'. He was very animated, talked fast, blinked a lot. For some reason, he reminded me of a cross between you and Fraiser. I have no idea why. So, we helped them save Thor and some sleeping corpse that's one of their ancient ancestors. Sounds weird, I know. Maybe because it is weird.
Heimdall asked after you. I just let him think you weren't with us. We ran into Osiris. Or rather, Carter did. Told Osiris you were dead before Heimdall beamed her away with one of those Asgard Beam-Me-Up-Scotty transporters. So, we got back and everything's hunky dory. Carter said that Osiris was upset about you being dead. I'm thinking it's your old girlfriend getting through. Maybe, but I really don't think there's a hope in hell for her. I'm sorry, Daniel.
And um, we were leaving to go have dinner. I know it was you, Daniel, but Teal'c and Carter dismissed it as a malfunction in the ventilation system. I think they've been smoking one of her experiments again. We don't have wind underground. Not like that. It was you. If you're going to hang around, Daniel, say hi. Or better yet, stop dicking around and come home.
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Dear Daniel,
You know, there are some days when my ability to be diplomatic wears rather thin. In other words, I've been showing very little of it lately.
Nine, Daniel. Fucking nine.
Nine goddamn geeks from your department and all of them have balls of clay. Even Dr. Summers, that woman, though she had more balls then the eight men. What the fuck is it about our job that is so hard? C'mon, it's simple stuff, Daniel. I remember you demanding to choose who gets to play in your sand box. Hammond took your recommendations. Were these the idiots you chose? I can't believe they were. Wish I'd been paying attention.
But this last one, Daniel? He was a fucking dumbass. Some anthro-linguist or whatever he was. Bastard got me stabbed in the knee. Had surgery. We're on downtime until my knee heals. And guess what? Hammond is pressuring me to find a fourth before we go back on active duty. But I asked him, where is it written that a team needs four people? His answer? Nowhere. But YOU are the reason that we need a fourth. He says you provided invaluable insight. Damn right you did. Invaluable. How's that replaceable? Despite what he says, I don't want anyone taking your spot. You're not replaceable.
Oh, and get this. You remember Colonel Chekov? He's here, pressuring Hammond to assign one of his folks to SG-1. I think you know what I said. Alright, so maybe the Russians are okay, but dammit, it's what I just said. I don't want anyone replacing you. Period. We can get along just fine with just three members.
Hammond's ordered me to go through the personnel files, though, because he doesn't agree. Says we need a linguist and someone with your outside-of-the-box thinking. Either I find someone or that Russian Colonel is going to force Hammond to make me take one of theirs. Frankly, Daniel, I can't see it. I've served with these people before. It'd be just like that ziggurat mission. They would have their own agenda so fuck our protocol and screw my command. I can't tolerate the backstabbing, Daniel, and right now, I don't trust them as far as I can throw them. Maybe if it was that Lt. Tolenev, I might consider it. She seemed okay. Yeah, so she's pretty, but so's Carter. And I'm not interested in that right now. Don't know when I'll ever be.
Then there's Jonas Quinn. I'm not talking to him, avoiding him if I can. Not exactly a news flash. I know you guys got along, but did you like him? Would you trust him? Right now, Daniel, I don't. Sorry, but he gets on my nerves. I mean, okay, he's a nice guy and he's trying really hard but I can't bring myself to accept him. What's funny is that for once, Carter is the same way. I thought that she'd be more willing to accept him but she's already told him a few times that he can't join SG-1. Yeah, the guy's asked. Persistent bugger, I'll give him that. He's got Teal'c on his side, though, because he's a fellow alien, so Teal'c's been bugging me to accept him. But like I said, and like I told Teal'c, I don't trust him watching my back. The guy may have stolen some of that naquadria crap for us, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he participated in a lie about you. What pisses me off is that he was there, in the lab, with you. Why the fuck didn't he go through that window?
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Dear Daniel,
Well, let's see. Bunch of shit happened.
One, we're on Anubis' shit list. Bastard tried to blow us up with some sort of energy weapon beamed through the gate. We'll add that Dark Side wannabe to the list of snakes we've pissed off. Ho-fucking-hum.
Two, Teal'c had to go see Rya'c because Drey'ac was dying. Apparently her snake came due and she wouldn't take the life of another Jaffa to live. Bra'tac is looking after Rya'c full time now. Guess that fits. I feel for Teal'c. I know what she meant to him. So, he was offworld when the other shit happened.
McCrap boy had nothing to do in Russia so he showed up and got in Carter's face. She was not amused and refused to work with him. I think I'm rubbing off on her. Er, you know what I mean and it wasn't *that*.
I got to fly in the fancy new ship Area 51 built, dubbed the X-302. Who the hell thinks up these names? Anyway, Carter and I went out in it, only it wasn't a test run like they were planning. It was a real flight so we could get a hold of the Asgard in order for them to rescue our sorry asses from this energy beam that Anubis-the-mudslide was shooting through the gate. It was causing the gate to overload. But, the 302 didn't do what it was supposed to do (big fucking surprise there) and that's make a hyperspace window. So, we had to come back.
Afterward, everyone's running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to figure out what the hell to do. Carter's geeks were looking to her for the answers and driving her up the wall. Then that McCrap idiot suggested sending a laser back through as a kind of feedback thing. But that a) required the iris to be opened, which Carter said would just decrease the time left before the gate blew up, and b) Carter didn't like the plan and said it was full of holes. Gee, no surprise there, either. But since she didn't have another plan, Hammond okayed it. But McCrap's plan didn't work and the laser blew up and knocked Carter out with some electrical jolt. She's fine. She was really pissed off, but she's fine.
Anyway, that McCrap asshole was shown up by Jonas. Funny, I rather liked that in a bizarre twisted sort of way. He gave Carter the idea to take the gate out of the mountain the same way we brought it in: through the silo. Then we'd get it out into space and let it blow up there. Know what that meant? No stargate program because we'd lose our gate.
Carter and some others devised a way to attach it to the 302, which yours' truly had to fly. Okay, I volunteered. It's not like I had anything better to do. Had to eject from the craft just after punching the button for the *limited* hyperspace window. Made it, opened the 'chute, got safely back home. Call me king of understatement. I'm writing this so *obviously* I made it back. By the way, before you ask, yes, my knee was injured but flying an aircraft doesn't require standing up. Although my knee hurt like a sonofabitch after I parachuted into the water with an already bum knee. NOT something I recommend.
Anyway, we're all fine.
Oh, yeah. One more thing. Jonas is now our fourth. Shit. I know what I said, but it was either him or a Russian. Jonas caught up with me after this whole mess was over with and stated his case. So, I actually found myself listening, although I pretended I wasn't. I know. I went and talked to Carter since she hadn't really said anything positive about the guy other than he'd helped. She said he was useful. That's about as far as she'd commit though, leaving it up to me. So right after that Hammond called me to his office and told me that it was crunch time, that I had no choice but accept the Russian or give him the name of our fourth. So, I told him that the Russians could have their own team and we could have Jonas.
I really hope I don't regret this decision.
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Dear Daniel,
Jonas is turning out better than I thought he would but he still bugs the shit out of me. More than you ever did. And I *liked* you. Okay. I *loved* you. I don't know if I like him yet. Don't know if I ever will. It's too soon. Doesn't really matter anyway because I'm stuck with him and he's part of SG-1 now. I'm still not entirely sure that this whole thing isn't all a very bad dream.
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Dear Daniel,
We found Thor. Or rather, Carter and Major Davis found Thor. And it was really Thor, or rather his mind downloaded in the ship, lodged in some storage crystals. How weird is that?
And Major Davis? Not a bad guy to work with. Thought he was just a pencil pusher, despite what you told me. I know, I know, but liaisons aren't usually combat officers. I knew Davis had had some combat experience, but I also found out that he'd had some *secret* combat experience. Like I had. His was, get this --- in linguistics. Surprise, surprise. So he was able to recognize this weird static sound coming over the comm system on Anubis' pyramid ship that was abandoned near the Earth. Said it sounded like a voice pattern. How the hell he knew that, I'll never know. So, apparently what happened was that Thor sabotaged the ship he was downloaded in and directed it to us. What a buddy. Problem was, some Jaffa belonging to Anubis-the-rain-slick were still on the ship as some back up plan of his. Dr. Friesen, the geek assigned to the mission to check out the ship, ignored my order to return to Teal'c and Jonas aboard the cargo ship - which was how we got to the pyramid ship, by the way. Friesen got himself killed when these three bastards snuck up on him. I really hate that, Daniel. You know how I hate losing people.
So, these ninja Jaffa shoot Jacob (he's okay), disable the ship's drive system so it'll crash into earth, and ring over to the cargo ship. T-man took care of them. He da man. But the firefight blew the ring controls like a bad cliché and Teal'c couldn't ring us back onboard. So, we had to hold on to our asses as the ship crashed into the North Pacific. Then it started to flood. Carter and I had to go check out the computer room but on our way there, we were trapped in the deck as it flooded. That water was fucking cold. So, I'm getting major shrinkage (actually said that to Carter and she rolled her eyes at me) and Jake's at command trying to override the door controls to get us out of there. But, he failed. Know who rescued our assets? Thor. Even lodged in a crystal, the li'l grey guy knew who we were. How beats the shit out of me. So, we get out of there, go dry off - sort of - then T-man and Jonas come after us in a DSRV. That's very cool. Wish I'd been there. They dock using one of the escape pod doors so I order Davis and Jake to get out.
Why, you ask? Why not us? Because we'd only then figured out it was Thor on the ship. So we -- Carter, Teal'c, and me -- decide to go find Thor's crystals and 'rescue' his butt. BUT we got trapped. So, Jake tells us that the only other way off the deck we were on was to go through the glider bay. BUT (a lot of them) the glider bay's forceshield keeping out the water is not working so it's filled with water. Carter tries to reroute power from this control board near the doors to the bay, but she can't.
So, guess who did? Jonas. Guess he wasn't kidding when he said he'd memorized the specs to a Goa'uld ship. He rerouted power from Engineering and Carter was able to get the bay emptied of water and filled with air. Now, that'd be a normal thing, but I have to mention that the Engineering deck was flooded. Bugger rerouted controls while underwater. I'm wondering who spiked this kid's Wheaties cause I want some. Anyhow, Jonas caught up with us, I forget how (rings, I think) and the four of us got into two gliders and subbed them through the water and out into the atmosphere just in time before the ship blew up.
Oh, did I mention that we only had 17 minutes to get off the ship once we took Thor out of the computer? Yeah, it seems that Anubis set the self-destruct and Thor put it on pause. Or something like that.
So, basically Jonas saved our asses. Boy's got initiative. Either that or he sucks up really well. So, he helped us. He was getting on my nerves though. When we were all in the cargo ship, flying to that mothership, he's all smiles. So I ask him what the hell he's smiling about and he says it's his first time in space. Okay, yeah, first time is really cool but for some reason, that bugged me. Teal'c thought it was cool though. Jonas' kid-view of things. He was my reel in the glider(that means he rode shotgun behind me). I knew the bastard was smiling, and *after* I thanked him for helping us, I wiped the smile off his face by making several barrel rolls. He got over the first one too quickly you see, so I had to do a few more. He stayed green for three days. I think it was the twelfth roll. Or maybe thirteenth. I lost count after ten, actually.
What? I can have some fun with him as long as he's in one piece for the next mission.
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Dear Daniel,
I miss you.
I love you. I wish you were here. I want to...
Shit. Have to go to Antarctica for some stupid thing they found in the ice. Why do I have to go? Do I look like a fucking archaeologist? Okay, maybe I was *fucking* my archaeologist-cum-linguist but...never mind. More later.
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Dear Daniel,
It's been three months since I last wrote in this thing. For over a month of that, you know why.
The worst of that withdrawal is over. My god, Daniel. I now know what you went through. I can't believe...Jesus. I feel like such an asshole for treating your withdrawal like any Earth addiction. But there's no comparison. None. Why couldn't I see that? Fraiser said it was like going through a complete body withdrawal and that's what it's like going off opium addiction, but Jesus. This was way worse. I've *never* had so much pain, so many mood changes.
I remember you begging me to get you to a sarc. You'd practically fondled me in front of Janet. Didn't even know she was there, you were so out of it. I think she was afraid I'd try the same thing because she's put me in exactly the same place she had you. That VIP treatment room. I think this was where they stored their extra equipment and just moved it aside for you, then me. Kinda nice in here now.
Fraiser says I'm better. Considering that I'm writing this, I'll agree with her. Just a little over a week left of monitoring, then I get to go home for a while. Trust me, Daniel, I need it.
You know, until you showed up in the infirmary, I thought I'd been hallucinating in Baal's cell, that the sarcophagus messed with my head and let me think that I was seeing you. But I remember it all, Daniel. You were there and you weren't a hallucination. Even though it's been three weeks, I can still see you clearly in my head. It's funny. I kept wondering why you chose to wear those clothes. Kept wondering if that was just my view of you or if you chose to wear them. Weird.
The Tok'ra brought me home apparently. Somewhere along the line I passed out, and I don't remember where. Then I woke up to seeing Carter, Teal'c, and Jonas hovering at the foot of my bed, yakking like they had nothing better to do. Guess that meant I was gonna be fine. But I hadn't gone through the withdrawal yet.
Then I saw you. Standing there. You looked like you wanted to cry, Daniel. Probably that was just me being out of it. I do remember you asking me to trust you. I remember telling you that I could do that. And I can. Then you left. And I was mad. Mad all over again. Mad because you left me. Mad because you wouldn't rescue me from Baal. I don't get it, despite what you told me. Beings that powerful should be helping others. Apparently, they don't give a shit. I know you do or you wouldn't have been there. I guess that's what keeps me angry and confused. I hate it. I wish I wasn't mad at you, but I am.
If you're out there watching over me, why the fuck don't you just come home? That and that lack-of-rescue thing is pissing me off. I'm trying to understand. I really am. But right now, I can't.
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Dear Daniel,
I've been pissed with you for a while but I'm not anymore. While I've been stuck here in Fraiser's chamber of horrors, I've had to deal. I feel guilty. For being mad at you, for taking it out on everyone around me. I know it's the mood swings. I'm fairly certain that all the nurses and corpsmen are afraid of me now. I think I've threatened each of them at least three times.
Carter comes in to see me almost every day. Jonas, he shows up with Carter sometimes or he doesn't show up at all. I don't remember threatening him or saying anything nasty, but I must have. Even though I'm getting used to him, and even though I'm still not sure I trust him, I already know that he's not the sort of guy who backs down easily. Sort of admirable and most of me wishes he wasn't. Teal'c shows up every day, bringing me Carter's chess game he stole from her office. Much as I enjoy his company, I want yours.
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Dear Daniel,
It's 3:41 a.m. Been home for two days.
I'm having nightmares again. They'd disappeared for a while, but now they're back with a vengeance, making me relive torture events. Not just from Baal, but from our past missions, from Iraq. I kept seeing you die, over and over.
I'm also remembering shit that never belonged to me, like remembering that woman that that snake took to bed. Jacob told me that if it weren't for Baal's torture, I might not have remembered squat. It's fading now, day by day, but it was totally pissing me off because they weren't my memories. Jake says I'm having what Selmac calls memory reflections, or pieces of 'recent' history, including what happened after the blending, after Kanan (the two-faced snake) escaped the Tok'ra compound. Escaped was a good word, too, because from what Jake told me, there were dozens of Tok'ra around but he managed to slip by them. I can't help wondering if that was my training or his that allowed him, it, to do that. I don't have any of its long-term memory so I'm glad. In fact, I'm really glad that it did what it did, choosing to cut itself off from me. I'm alive and I don't have to go through the same shit Carter did.
What I remember most is small, insignificant crap. Like travelling through two alien gates and running through a forest. It seems that that was the time it fucked up and got me shot, then abandoned me to Baal. I hate to say it, but Baal was right. Damn thing was a coward. I'll tell you this right now, Daniel. I'll be happy if I don't have to see the Tok'ra for a very long time, if ever again. That includes Jake. I think he understands, and knows that at this moment in time, I'm probably capable of killing any or all of them. And I am, Daniel. More than capable.
You know, I only agreed to this Tok'ra bullshit because Carter asked me to help Jake retrieve some important mission data from Kanan, the wandering snake. I'm more than a little pissed off at her about that and I have to stomp on that when I get back to work. Work it out of my system somehow. I was dying from that Ancient's plague. I didn't care. I was ready to go. But Carter didn't want me to die so she made that face she gets and essentially manipulated a dying me into agreeing. Duty, honor, loyalty. I could kick myself for agreeing. So, I did it, and Jacob said they got some good intel out of it. Well ain't that just grand.
Apparently it took that fucking snake almost a week to cure me. I don't even remember the...you know. Blending. Thank God. All I do remember *clearly* -- from my own memories -- is waking up in Baal's sarcophagus. Swell. If I wasn't fully cured before, I was then. I'm really glad I don't remember the...blending.
Carter and Jake have been trying to tell me that Kanan was a rogue. For cryin' out loud. Aren't they all rogues? This one left the community pot farm and went to go find his illicit girlfriend. So the hell what? Where's the difference?
Carter says that I'm the reason it left for Baal's in the first place. Sometimes, Daniel, there are days when I just want to smack her one. She says it wasn't anything I did, but because of my honor code about not leaving people behind. It felt guilty, the sonofabitch, for abandoning this slave it, he, whatever, was screwing. I hope it's dead.
I don't get the code thing, though. You see, that code doesn't really exist. I *try* like hell not to leave people behind, but I always end up having to. I left you behind a few times, didn't I? Okay, some of that wasn't by choice, but still.
As for Baal:
First and foremost, I *know* you helped Sam, Teal'c, and Jonas figure out a way to get to me. So thanks.
Second, you warned me about that rat bastard after that disastrous summit mission. Said that if we ever come across him again, we should run the other way. Well, you were right. If I ever get the chance, Daniel, I'm killing that bastard with my bare hands. I knew snakes were twisted but that one's got most beat by a mile. Not even Anubis is that scary, and that was the first time that I've ever actually been scared of a snake, as well as being tortured by one. That was worse than Iraq. I didn't think anything could be worse than Iraq.
And the being mad at you part? I know you said you didn't have a choice; that you couldn't help me because you'd be stopped. I still don't understand why they'd stop you or why you wouldn't just ignore them and do it anyway. But...I know you, I believe you, and I have to trust you.
Like you asked me to.