(final journal)
Dear Daniel,
Writing this now. Mostly because if I dictated it, I'd go off on a rant.
Do you have any idea just how pissed off I was at you? The one time you decide to play politics as well as kick some ass as a glowy li'l shit, and you fuck it right up.
Damn. I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. I said I *was* mad at you but that sounded a lot like I am. I'm not. Or rather, I don't want to be. It's only because I'm very worried that you're not out there anymore.
Carter reminded me that you'd said that you would be punished for interfering. Except you did interfere, didn't you? You came to me, and then you made a conscious decision to help us. Since the fuckwit is still out there - having destroyed Abydos - I'll assume Oma stopped you from kicking his ass.
I don't think those ascended Ancients are all that much on the side of good, Daniel. Look at what they've done. Or lack thereof. Oma must be the black sheep or something. They didn't stop Anubis, and I don't believe for a second that they 'failed'. I mean, with all that power, did they simply fuck it up? I don't think so. They just didn't give a shit about him, yet they sure as hell gave a damn about what you were up to, didn't they? Hypocrisy, it seems, isn't limited to us mere mortals. How overwhelmingly screwed up is that?
Are they arrogant? Childish? Do they want to save the Good Deeds for themselves, keeping you from doing anything but watching? Ascension, it seems, doesn't equal being good and it seems they've gone a bit dark side. The idea of good and evil is a matter of perspective for them. Swell. Another set of powerful beings with their heads up their asses.
I'm glad Oma saved Skaa'ra and his people. The Abydonians are worth saving. But I wish it had been you who'd done it. It would have told me you were still out there.
I hope it was Oma who stopped you and not those others. I hope you're just on probation or something. I hope you're not dead dead.
Please don't be dead dead.
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Dear Daniel,
Had to leave for some stupid Tok'ra crap. Now...where was I?
Oh yeah.
While I admit to still being *a little* angry with you about Baal, I understand it a hell of a lot better now. Which means that because I didn't understand it before, I was a lot more pissed with you than I wanted to admit. For not saving my raggedy ass from Baal, that is. I'm sorry for being such an asshole about it before. If you *had* tried to help, I now know that they would've stopped you and I would never have gotten out of that goddamned beehive cell.
I said I could trust you when you asked me to, but this last bit? That's one hell of a way to stretch the faith a bit, don'cha think?
Damn. I can't get my last images of you out of my head. It was *really* good seeing you - even if it hurt. Seeing you in those robes, without that black tee underneath, made me wonder if you were butt-naked under there, and in wondering, I got a little harder than I already had been. Just seeing you was what did that to me, you know. And I'm pretty sure it would've been full blown had Carter not been hanging around.
I think she's pissed off at you that you never appeared to her. (And doesn't *that* just sound weird as hell. *Appeared*. What the hell are you, a genie? 'Course I could say fairy but that sort of goes without saying in more ways than one, doesn't it?) Anyway, Carter hinted at something she'd said at your 'deathbed' and wished she could've taken back. Thinks that whatever she said is the reason you never visited her. She's still upset but I can tell she's trying to cover. We're a lot alike that way.
What'd she say to you, Daniel? If she told you she loved you, then you really shouldn't be doing that 'guy' thing and avoiding. After all, if I was able to handle hearing her say those feelings about me - which haven't resurfaced, by the way - then the least you could've done was to have paid her a visit. Although...her life was never in danger, was it? Not like mine had been. Or Teal'c's. I think I'll just mention that to her. That might make her feel a little better. Or not.
Anyway, back to those robes you were wearing. I have a fantasy about them, you know. It varies but it's always the same fantasy. With you having nothing on underneath them, with me wearing similar ones, and the two of us in one of those tents on Abydos. The fantasies started a long time ago, too. Seeing you wearing them again, and without wearing something else underneath, well, let's just say my fantasies have been refueled for a while.
Um...I have something that adds to those fantasy jerk off sessions. I saved your robes. They smell like you. Probably because I keep them packed and don't wash them. Obsessive, isn't it? Well, here's the kicker. I put them on, and the fantasies seem more real. I can imagine you, and imagine quite nicely. It's the smell and feel. They're...nice.
Suppose you want to know about the fantasy, don'tcha?
It's night and the only light is coming from one of those oil lamps. You're kneeling, working on the central fire, and I come up behind you and place my hands on your ass, lifting your robes as I caress you. I've already used some of that oil paste that Skaa'ra said they use for sunblock so my dick is ready. Has been ready. You look over your shoulder and say nothing. You smile and spread you knees further apart than they already are. I grin and grab your hips.
(Is this like writing erotica or gay porn or something?)
I shove my dick inside you in one fell swoop (oh, that's a romantic phrase) - I slide inside you in one long thrust (better). You gasp and I grunt and moan like usual. I do that thing with my hips and move around, finding and nailing that button inside you. You reach over your shoulder, grab hold of your robes and pull them over your head and throw them off. I leave mine on.
No, I take them off. I'm starting to sweat.
You rock back and forth, giving me the sign that you're ready, so I start thrusting, moving faster and harder. We're at it like that for about five minutes, grunting, straining, and your back is shiny. I love that. Your muscles ripple better like that. I look at your ass and watch myself plow into you. It's fucking amazing and that's one thing I miss almost as much as missing being with you. Watching your body as I fuck you. Or watching your face as you fuck me.
You start to talk dirty, telling me all those things I love to hear. It gets me so hot that I let go and slam into you over and over. Your ass squeezes my cock and that gets me going even worse (better?) so I bang your ass so hard that I'm pretty sure we're both bruised. My balls are now slamming against your ass, aching in that pain-pleasure way, and that brings me off. I come so hard I can't see but I'm still thrusting uncontrollably, filling your ass. You come because of it, shouting as you spill all over the floor. I drop down on my side, taking you with me, holding you against me, and we say nothing because we can't. All we do is look at the oil lamp in front of us.
I have that fantasy a lot, Daniel. A lot. Sometimes our clothes stay on, and half the time, it's you drilling me. I miss that just as much. I think there are specific calluses on my hand just for that. I'm bent over tending the fire and it's you coming up behind me. It's animal and raw and you just *own* me.
I need to stop writing for a minute or five...
...
I'm back. I think you know what I was doing. I imagined you fucking me like I'd mentioned, but the fantasy changed. I'd grabbed my cock and stroked it up fast, thinking of your dick in my ass, when suddenly I'm standing and you're kneeling in front of me. We're wearing those robes. My dick is in your mouth, and I'm watching that amazing tongue of yours and those soft, exquisite lips moving over the head. You were going down on me good when I felt that need to taste you back. When I imagined your face as you came down my throat, that did it.
I didn't really need to 'imagine' anything, Daniel. I just 'remembered', only minus the robes. I remembered the last time you came inside my mouth. My hands were on your hips, guiding your thrusts. I remembered your hands were behind my ears, your head tossed back, your eyes squeezed shut, your mouth wide open, making that loud, intermittent roar you used sometimes, the sound on each exhale. God, you were beautiful.
Fuckin' A. I'm gettin' hard again. I'm almost 48 years old, Daniel. How the hell can you do this to me?
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Dear Daniel,
Anubis the oil slick hasn't reared his greasy head lately so I'm hoping that he's forgotten about us for a while, though that'd be stupid. Jonas is working on that tablet and thinks there's something to it. I hope so. I really am starting to like him. I think. Okay, okay, he's all right. I wish he hadn't had to go through a bunch of crap just to prove that to me. I know. I'm a pain in the ass. He really has worked out okay, though he still can't replace you.
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Dear Daniel,
Jonas found something. I think. He thinks. Carter thinks. Whatever, we're going to this Ancients' planet in a few hours. I don't know what we're looking for exactly (and neither does Carter, which pisses her off and makes my day) but we're hoping that the Ancients left some of their toys behind. This trip had better be worth it 'cause right about now is when I'm gettin' bored with this shit.
I miss you, Danny. Please be okay.