...needing you way too much...
....."Please, Jack. I need to do this."
Daniel's words to Jack reverberated in his head, along with everything else he remembered: yelling at his best friend in the mines, yelling at him as he'd held a gun on him, yelling at him as he'd struggled through his sarcophagus withdrawal; the awful things he'd called him; the sexual favors he'd been willing to trade, the fantasies he'd been willing to perform, just to get Jack to take him to a sarcophagus.
Sitting on the floor between his sofa and coffee table, staring at the flames of the three pillar candles he'd lit, Daniel wasn't sure he'd be able to get over the shame of what had happened. Sam and Teal'c had been so nice to him, and they'd easily forgiven him. Jack had, as well, but Daniel couldn't seem to forgive himself.
Normally, he'd have had a glass of wine with him, as it was his favorite thing next to JackDaniel's to wind down with after work. But not tonight; not for the last seven nights that he'd been allowed back home after returning from P3R-636. Any mind-altering substance right now, including alcohol, made him afraid. Not for their addictiveness but because they could put him to sleep.
So, he'd opted for just staring at the candles, trying to come to terms somehow, some way, with what he'd done. He knew that it was the addiction that had made him act the way he did, but at the beginning, it hadn't been the addiction, it had been the fear. He'd wanted to be the one to help his team - to be their rescuer for a change. He'd seen that woman's interest in him and he'd tried to use it against her...but it had backfired. He hadn't known about the pull of the sarcophagus; how it had made everyone else's needs and desires pale to insignificance beside his own. Soon, the only thing on his mind had been to get a piece of her ass...which she had continued to refuse him. In order to get it, he'd completely dismissed Shau're...and Jack. He didn't know how he could have done that. Hearing himself act that way, a part of him, somewhere deep inside, had tried to rebel - and had been squashed down and silenced.
Daniel had thought about that as he had recuperated in the VIP room set aside for his quarters during the last stages of his withdrawal. He had realized that it hadn't been the Goa'uld by themselves who had prevented their hosts from influencing them; it had been the sarcophagus' influence as well. The Goa'uld had always been, and would always be, dangerous and bloodthirsty, but it was the sarcophagus that turned them into psychopaths. Even that damn princess had fallen under its influence...so willing to let SG-1 die in order to string him along, to keep him panting after her. At the end, while he had 'supervised' her withdrawal, she'd finally offered herself to him...just to get into the sarcophagus...not remembering that it had been destroyed. Daniel smugly remembered how he'd told her no...and had been satisfied by the hurt look on her face. Payback. Daniel counted himself lucky that he had never seen that look on Jack's face when Jack had told him no.
Sighing, he turned slightly, laid the side of his face over his knees and continued to stare at the candles. He fought off sleep a few times, and as his mind was whirling, it became a little easier to stay awake.
Sometime later, he was brought out of his long thoughts by a soft knock on his apartment door. Unwilling to get up, he called out, "Come in."
The door opened slowly and Jack stepped through. Instead of the usual scold about not locking his door, Jack looked around and found Daniel sitting on the floor. He left the door ajar and walked over, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"What'cha doin', Daniel?" he asked softly, knowing full well how vulnerable Daniel was still feeling, even three weeks after his recovery and final visit to '636.
"Nothing. Just staring at the candles. I was just wishing I had a fireplace."
Jack looked down at his best friend, feeling such empathy for him. He nudged Daniel's knee with his calf. "Come on."
Daniel looked up at him and Jack noted the tiredness in his eyes. He was now certain that Daniel hadn't been getting any sleep, despite what he'd been telling everyone.
Daniel looked away, sensing that Jack had just seen through that small deception. "Where?"
Jack held out his hand for Daniel to get up. "Over to my house. You can stay with me for a while...and stare into the fireplace all you like."
Daniel stared at Jack's hand, not moving. It seemed like an inanimate object...but one he so wanted to grab and hold onto. He resisted taking it.
"Come on, Daniel. Take my hand."
Hesitantly at first, he finally reached up and grasped his hand and let Jack's strength pull him to his feet. Jack didn't let go, either.
"Good," he said with a tiny smile. He started to lead Daniel down the hall but Daniel resisted.
"Where are we going?" he asked, confused.
Jack stopped and turned, giving him a long, caring look. "We're going to pack an overnight bag or a suitcase, whichever's easier. Then we'll grab some stuff from your kitchen and then we'll spend time at my place for a few days. I'll make arrangements for you to stay with me for a while. You need the company."
Daniel didn't want to argue with him, mostly because Jack made sense somehow. After getting his things from the kitchen, Jack handed him his keys and his coat, put out the candles, then quietly ushered him out the door.
"You want something to eat?" Jack asked as Daniel set himself down in front of the already-made fire. Daniel only half-heard, feeling himself strangely drawn to the flames. His mind grabbed hold of the metaphor and it made him smile derisively at himself. Jack didn't know what that smile was about, but to him, it told him that Daniel's depression wasn't over with. Not waiting for an answer, he set about making some coffee, using the new machine Daniel had practically forced upon him. While the coffee brewed, he boiling some spaghetti while heating up the leftover sauce he'd made. Grabbing the parmesan and garlic bread, he set the cheese on the table and put the bread in the oven, all the while, keeping an extra eye on Daniel...his best friend...his sometime lover.
For that's what Daniel was, Jack had decided after their last time together, the day they'd saved the world. His 'sometime' lover. He'd made love to Daniel but for some reason, Daniel hadn't wanted to return that intimacy just yet. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling that it had to do with Shau're. Even so, Jack would give him time. All the time in the world, if necessary. Sex was not something to be rushed, and Jack understood the need for patience there; he understood it well.
His time spent healing after Iraq had been difficult, but after a few years, when he'd finally had male sex again, it was...tolerable. He'd done it mostly to see if he'd healed psychologically...and he hadn't, not completely. Until his attraction to Daniel had come along, Jack had actually found that his desire for men had dwindled. Though he felt that spark occasionally, Iraq had pretty much taken it away from him. That was one of the things that had made him most angry, aside from the abuse itself. How dared they mess with his head about his future sex life, those arrogant, soulless bastards...
Shaking off those thoughts of anger, Jack knew that though Daniel didn't seem to want to make love to him, to fuck him, and that Jack was more than willing to wait, he did have to ask why. It was better than guessing and being left in the dark. He knew their relationship was growing more intense, and though that scared him, it was time to stop speculating and start asking.
That also included telling Daniel about Iraq. Some of it, anyway. He owed him that after Hathor, and though he couldn't talk about everything, maybe telling Daniel would help him heal. Jack wished he could tell Daniel everything, but the filthy details needed to stay untold for now. Seven months earlier, right after Hathor, Jack hadn't known Daniel enough, or trusted him enough, to tell him how he felt for him, or bond with him in their shared knowledge. Now, Jack was fairly certain that he could share his experiences, although still only in summary. That would have to be enough for now; enough to let Daniel know that he wasn't alone, either in rape experience or in addiction recovery.
With the coffee ready at last, he added a little milk and sugar to Daniel's, then brought it out to him. Holding it in front of him, he actually had to clear his throat to get Daniel to break his concentration from the fire.
"Thanks," Daniel said quietly and took the mug from him, sipping distractedly. Jack squeezed his shoulder then returned to the kitchen. The spaghetti didn't take long to fix up and setting two bowls, complete with warmed bread and the shredded cheese, onto a serving tray, he brought it out to the living room and set it down on the hearth.
"It'll keep warmer here," he explained as Daniel cast him a questioning look, then with a flourish of his hand, "Dinner is served, my lad," he added in a mock-Irish accent, making Daniel give up a ghost of a smile. Throwing a large pillow on the floor to use as a back prop against the coffee table, Jack gingerly got down on the floor next to somber best friend.
"How's your knee?" Daniel asked him worriedly. That guard from '636 had whacked him in the back of his leg pretty good three weeks earlier and Jack had been limping ever since, though now it was with a brace. It was another guilt Daniel carried. Not for the injury itself, but for the exacerbation of it as Jack had toiled in the mine.
"Dr. Warner said it'll be fine. Surgery went okay and it wasn't that badly damaged, not like we thought. It just looks bad."
Daniel sighed with relief and nodded. "Good."
He didn't reach for his food, so Jack picked up the bowl and handed it to him, along with the silverware. "You need to eat at least, Daniel. I'm sorry for being a mother hen, but if you're not going to sleep, at least eat."
Daniel hesitated, then set the bowl and utensils back onto the tray. He turned to Jack, his eyes seeming to water, then looked at the food and shrugged. "I just don't have the appetite. As for sleep, I keep having nightmares, Jack. I'm afraid to sleep."
He swallowed hard then, fighting back the urge to cry in front of Jack. Sensing it immediately, Jack scooted himself over and put his arm around him, pulling Daniel close. Getting Daniel to rest his head on his shoulder, they both stared into the fire. "I understand about nightmares, Daniel. Boy, do I understand."
Not bothering to lift his head or take his eyes from the fire, Daniel began to talk finally. "In the supply room, when I held that gun on you...you said you knew what it was I was going through. You said you knew what it was like."
Jack nodded his head but didn't say anything.
Daniel took that as a sign to continue, so he did. "On Hadante, you said you'd been in prison, and after Hathor, you said when I was willing to talk to you about Hathor, you'd tell me about..."
Jack nodded again. "Can you talk to me about Hathor?" he asked.
Daniel winced. "What's there to tell? You know what happened."
Jack sighed. "I know, but I thought that maybe you'd like to talk or rant or vent. You'll need to sometime, Daniel."
Daniel sighed in return. "I know. Just not...now, okay?"
Jack understood. "Okay."
"Does this mean you won't?..."
Jack sighed again. "No, it doesn't mean that, but I can't talk about everything, either." He took a deep breath and continued. "I was purposely addicted to an opiate like heroin when I was in prison. I think it was straight opium but I was never sure. They had one of those old-fashioned hookahs, you know the ones?"
Daniel nodded.
"Well, I had some nasty injuries and their so-called humanitarian doctor helped me get through the pain of those injuries with the opium. Unfortunately, he let me become dependent on it. When his superiors felt they'd got me sufficiently addicted, my guards and roommates decided to...use...me...and it went on for a couple of months. That was completely separate from the occasional torture they inflicted on me."
Daniel held his breath and sat up, staring in shock at Jack. He'd expected to hear something like abuse, but he hadn't expected that. He didn't know what to say, so he just leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Jack's neck and hugged him tightly. He knew what Jack had meant by 'use him'. Raped. It was obvious that Jack was still uneasy about saying it and Daniel didn't blame him. To have that happen, by men, repeatedly...
"I'm so sorry, Jack."
Jack hugged him back and rubbed his back with his hand. "It's okay. Most of the stuff was a blur because of the drug. It made it easier for them to control me. I suppose the hardest was when they began to withhold the drug from me, wait for me to go into withdrawal so that it made me desperate enough..." and he paused. "I'm sorry, Daniel...I can't..." and he went silent.
Daniel held him tighter when Jack didn't continue, and suddenly Daniel understood, very clearly, why Jack couldn't go on. "It's not just talking out loud about it, is it?"
Jack shook his head.
"I get it, Jack. It's why I won't talk about Hathor...or can't, not yet. Every time I even think about what happened...I have nightmares. That's one of the reasons why you won't talk, isn't it? Because it's easier to push it away, to try and forget, if it saves you from having those awful nightmares."
Jack snorted softly and shook his head, pulling Daniel into a stronger hug. Daniel had hit the nail on the head. "You're amazing, Daniel. You know that? You're fucking amazing."
They sat there holding each other until their dinner went cold, but they ate it anyway, talking a little bit about trivial things, such as the ingredients in the spaghetti sauce, which then led to tales of Jack's Irish grandmother teaching him the fine art of making Italian spaghetti sauce without ever having to be Italian. Jack said his Gramma Lilly was the best woman he'd ever known. Daniel so wished he could have met her: he'd always felt great envy for those who'd known their grandparents...and parents, for that matter.
Their meal finished and the dishes put away, Daniel sat back down in front of the fire, leaning his head on his knees once more.
"Daniel, it's late," Jack said quietly from the kitchen. "Why don't you get your shower and I'll settle your room." When Daniel didn't answer him, he frowned and walked over. "What is it?" he asked, touching his hair. Daniel lifted his head and looked at him for a few long seconds before answering.
"Could we sleep together? Maybe I'll be able to sleep if..." and he suddenly felt childish and silly. Rising to his feet, he shook his head. "Never mind, Jack. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm a big boy. I can sleep by myself." Before moving away, Jack held him by the arm.
"I wanted to ask but I didn't know if it would be appropriate. You're still so very vulnerable from this thing," and Daniel winced at the word. "I know you don't like the word, but it's the reality."
Daniel reluctantly nodded his head. "I know," he said as they made their way out of the living room.
Jack sensed there was more on his mind though and as they stopped in front of the bathroom, he held Daniel's arm again. "What else?" he asked, his face showing concern.
"It's nothing huge, Jack. I know it may not be appropriate but..."
"But?"
"Well, I'm not exactly in the mood, but it's just that..."
"Just what?" Jack asked as Daniel paused again.
Daniel made a sweeping gesture at Jack's body as he backed into the bathroom, holding onto the door. Jack looked down at himself as if he'd suddenly grown something he wasn't aware of. "What?"
Daniel gave him another hint of a smile. "Just...don't expect me not to react when you put that up against me."
Jack smirked at him. "Okay, smart ass, I won't. Now, shower and bed."
Daniel wanted to make a joke but only smiled instead and shut the bathroom door.
On the other side of the door, he heard Jack's muffled voice. "Nothing huge, Daniel? Apparently, you've forgotten what my dick looks like."
Daniel snorted and the opportunity for making a joke presented itself. "I remember Jack."
Jack grumbled on the other side. "Hmmmm. Your memory's muddled."
Daniel laughed quietly as he turned on the water, feeling relieved at the easy banter, none of it tinged with the feeling of walking on eggshells. He was also feeling good that he could still wind Jack up...and that Jack was letting him.
Daniel had easily fallen asleep, spooned in front of Jack, and the thought he held onto when he drifted off was that maybe Jack was what he needed to find peace in his sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Daniel was awakened. He felt a constant movement in the bed and as he roused further, he heard deep groaning coming from Jack. The conversations of the previous evening came to the forefront of his brain and snapped him awake. Nightmares. Their conversations had prompted Jack to have a nightmare. Feeling guilt-ridden at having caused this to happen to Jack, he partially sat up and focused. Jack lay on his back, his legs and arms twitching at unseen attackers, his head thrashing back and forth. Heavy perspiration ran from Jack's forehead. However long this nightmare had been going on, Daniel knew it had to have been a while. Jack was soaked.
He was suddenly reminded of the first nightmares he'd witnessed from Jack. It was inevitable when sharing a tent with the man through a stressful mission, and those were the times the nightmares had come out. Daniel had learned to help by bringing Jack awake, slowly trying to calm and reassure him that everything was okay. Only one occasion had Jack lashed out and fortunately, he'd missed Daniel's face. Though that elbow had connected with the flat pillow instead, his arm had bruised part of his jaw. Daniel had learned to be careful from then on.
Now, however, he didn't care about being careful and inwardly felt he deserved a few bruises as some sort of inadvertent payback. More importantly, whatever happened, he needed to be there for Jack, to calm and reassure, just as Jack had done for him. Reaching his arm across him, he snuggled against Jack's musky, sweaty body, dampening his own, and held him against him as he whispered in his ear.
"Jack...Jack...It's Daniel...you're having a nightmare...wake up, Jack....wake up."
Jack started, his eyes flying open, and Daniel held him tighter.
"Shhhh, it's me, Jack. Only me. Nightmare. You're having a nightmare."
He fully expected Jack to shrug him off, but he didn't. Instead, Jack wrapped his arm over the one over his chest, turned his back to him, to spoon in front of Daniel this time, and snuggled back into him. His body was slightly trembling and Daniel held him ever tighter, his face lying partly over his ear and jaw.
"It's okay, Jack. I'm here. I'm never going to hurt you again."
Jack squeezed his arm. "I know, Daniel. Thanks," he murmured. He turned his head slightly. "You okay?"
"I'm okay."
Believing the tone in his voice, Jack answered, "Good," then gave a relieved sigh and drifted off back to sleep.
The thought Daniel had as he once again drifted off was that even if he may have caused the nightmare, he was able to calm Jack back to sleep. That comforting thought let him sleep, not remembering a single dream.
Things had gone well the rest of the night and the following day had been blissfully normal, including the arguing they'd had about what to watch on TV that evening. It did seem as if things were nearly back to how they should be.
When they laid in bed together that evening, Daniel couldn't help but feel his cock thickening as Jack's body pressed against his own. Wondering if it was a good idea, he thought about it for a few seconds and then decided that it was stupid to be afraid of asking. He turned over, facing Jack. Just when Jack went to ask him what was the matter, Daniel took Jack's hand and placed it over his cotton-covered erection. Jack raised a brow as Daniel leaned in and whispered a kiss over his lips.
"Are you sure?" Jack asked.
"Yes," Daniel replied, but Jack moved his hand away, prompting a frown between Daniel's brows.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Daniel, why haven't you wanted to..." and he suddenly felt stupid for wanting to ask. He should have left it alone.
Daniel's frown softened a bit. "What?" he asked again, then as he studied Jack's face, the subject occurred to him. He'd never been inside Jack and Jack must be feeling bad about it...maybe taking it the wrong way. He closed his eyes and groaned. "I'm sorry." He took a deep breath, staring at Jack's dog tags, fiddling with them, twining them between his fingers. "At first, I think I just..."
He couldn't finish his sentence. He knew what he wanted to say but when the words formed in his mind, he chickened out as they sounded so lame. He started to speak again but Jack brought a hand to his lips to silence him.
"It's just that I thought maybe...it was me."
Daniel's eyes widened a bit in shock and immediately shook his head. "No, Jack. I want to," and he let his voice lower for impact. "I really want to. I just thought I'd be betraying her somehow...but that sounds stupid considering what we've already done...doesn't it?"
Jack studied him, then shook his head and shrugged. "Maybe...a little. It's just confusion I think. Too many feelings." He didn't meet Daniel's eyes as he said it, but then forced himself to afterwards. "So...you want to but you're just not ready...is that it?"
Daniel winced. "Saying it...I sound like a fucking virgin," and he made a disgusted sound which made Jack laugh. That, in turn, made him smile at himself. "Give me a few more weeks...when I'm back to normal...whatever that is," and he leaned in to brush another kiss over Jack's lips. "Then we'll make love properly."
"We have been, Daniel. I just thought--"
"To make it even?"
Jack gave him a wry grin and nodded. Daniel nodded back. They were silent for a time, then Daniel let go of his dog tags and placed Jack's hand back down over his covered erection.
"Touch me," he whispered, leaning in to brush his lips over Jack's chin, then his mouth.
Jack gave a soft growl that sent a tiny shudder down Daniel's spine. "What would you like me to--"
"Jerk me off," Daniel whispered against his lips as his hips thrust into Jack's hand. "Please." He inhaled sharply and bit both lips as Jack reached inside his shorts and curled his fingers around the shaft. He stroked slowly, then ran his palm over the glans, rubbing in circles. Daniel closed his eyes and let out a long moan.
"You first...then me," Jack murmured back, then sucked in a breath as Daniel brushed the back of his fingers along the outline of Jack's cock.
"Not together?" Daniel asked seductively as his fingers rubbed more firmly.
"No. I want to watch you," Jack replied, his grip tightening just a bit.
"Deal," Daniel whispered, his breathing heavy with need. He brought his hand away from Jack's groin, combed the fingers through his hair instead, then when Jack squeezed his glans, his fingers clamped down and pulled Jack into a deep, hungry kiss. Jack moved his hand even more; massaging, pulling, stroking; slowly but surely, increasing the speed.
"Lie back," Jack whispered as he broke their kiss, so Daniel moved onto his back. Jack leaned in to lick at a nipple but Daniel stopped him.
"Touch only my cock, Jack. Nothing else."
Jack's brow raised, so Daniel quickly explained.
"I want you to touch me...to kiss me...to lick me...but if you touch my cock only, the pleasure is more intense."
Jack smiled, understanding. He watched Daniel's eyes alternately open and close to the pleasure he received, loving what he did to make Daniel moan, to arch his body and tip his head back as he sped up his actions. Daniel was panting now, harsh and very needy; one hand gripping Jack's dog tags, the other clenched into the sheet. Jack knew Daniel was close now as his breathing began to hitch.
He leaned down to nuzzle Daniel's cheek, whispering, cajoling, "That's it, Daniel. Come in my hand."
Daniel dropped his mouth open as Jack's expert hand pulled upward in one strong stroke, squeezing the glans again, drawing his orgasm out of him like a fireworks display. Daniel bucked upward and froze, his muscles jerking, the shudders ripping through him. He made only a high-pitched gasp as he poured over Jack's hand. His mouth was soon covered by Jack's, his tongue wrestling with his. Daniel moaned again into his mouth, then as he felt the tremors begin to subside, he deepened their kiss.
Jack pulled his hand away, preparing to clean up, but Daniel stopped him, his hand covering his, gathering up some of his semen in his palm. Pushing up on his elbow, he slid his now wet hand into Jack's boxers and took hold of his cock as he leaned in and kissed hard, forcing Jack on his back. Jack did not mind; in fact, he loved it. The pleasure from his strokes spiked through Jack's body, making him thrust into Daniel's hand. Stroke after stroke, slowly increasing his speed, finding ways to make Jack's pleasure last for a while longer, Daniel repeated what Jack had done for him.
Except that near the end, when Jack's rapid panting signalled his approaching climax, Daniel couldn't take it anymore. He moved down and leaned his over Jack's hips, watching his face as he tightened his grip. Jack's fists clamped down into the sheets as his hips rose off the bed, thrusting madly into Daniel's pumping fist. He tried to talk, to encourage, but his words were cut off from his throat just as he felt his orgasm taking control...just when he felt Daniel place his mouth over his glans and suck as if it were his last meal. Jack howled in response, his whole body rising off the bed as he came hard into Daniel's mouth.
Daniel moaned, urging more as the semen spurted quickly and dribbled out of his mouth. Daniel swallowed what he had in his mouth, but he didn't bother to wipe his face, or let go of Jack's cock as he continued to pump the orgasmic tremors from him. Quickly, before the sticky fluid went cold, Daniel moved up and kissed Jack hard, smearing the stuff around his chin and the sides of his mouth. Jack felt momentary surprise, then hot lust as he realized what it was. He brought his sticky hand into Daniel's hair as a response, kissing him back fiercely as he turned and lay over him.
When the spasms subsided, and their kiss broke for air, Daniel began to wipe Jack's chin and mouth clean. Meeting each other's eyes, they smiled filthily at each other.
"That was intense," Jack whispered.
Daniel nodded, his eyes twinkling. "Except we need a shower now."
Chuckling, Jack got up and pulled Daniel into the bath with him as he turned on the shower, purposely running cold water on them both for just a second before it kicked on the hot water.
"Jack!"
"Daniel," Jack mimicked.
"Bastard," Daniel growled through a smile as he pushed Jack against the wall and kissed him stupid.