A few days ago, in a galaxy far, far away....
"How you doing, Carter?"
"I'm fine, sir," Sam said as SG-1 walked onto the bridge of the A.S.S. (Asgard Space Ship) Daniel Jackson. "Fifth didn't so much as touch me physically."
"What about mentally?" Daniel asked with concern.
"He tried, but replicators, even the human form ones, don't have a real good grasp of the human psyche," Sam said.
"He tried?" Jack prompted.
"Yes, but he was showing me images of bugs, for heaven's sake," Sam said, shaking her head in disbelief. "I had to put on a bit of a show to convince him that he was really getting to me.
"Bugs? I don't like bugs," Jack said.
"Yeah, but you wouldn't go all girly-man about it." Sam paused thoughtfully. "Would you?"
"Depends. What kind of bugs?"
"Just bugs. Bugs and Unas and...Montana."
"Ah, Montana: where the men are men and the sheep are nervous."
Sam, Teal'c and Daniel turned to stare at Jack.
"It's just an expression," Jack muttered, walking away to play with the command console.
"Are you certain you are unharm...?" Teal'c stopped speaking as the floor shuddered beneath their feet and a long, deep, metallic groan echoed against the ship's walls.
"Jack?" Daniel said immediately.
"Wasn't me, I swear," Jack said, putting his left hand up and his right hand over his heart. "I mean I haven't eaten anything in, like, weeks."
"Thor?" Sam called out.
"Yes, Major Carter."
"I thought the hull breach was sealed."
"It is."
"Well, it sure sounds like we've got a hull integrity problem," Sam said as the groaning rumbled through the ship again.
"My sensors show all sections of the ship to be intact," Thor said. The commander of the A.S.S. Daniel Jackson beamed into his seat at the command console. Jack jumped, startled by Thor's sudden appearance, and walked away quickly. The ship shivered and groaned again, the sound losing some of its previous metallic quality.
"If I didn't know better I'd say that sounded almost human," Daniel observed.
"It's a ship, for God's sake, Daniel," Jack said. "Stop anthropomorphizing everything."
Oh, yeah....
"What was that?" Daniel asked, looking around. "Or...who was that?"
"I have discovered the problem," Thor announced, running his hands across the console. "Between the time O'Neill had the Ancients' knowledge downloaded into his brain and the time he went into stasis, some of his own memories became enmeshed with the Ancients' data."
"What exactly are you saying?" Sam asked.
"When the ship retrieved the Ancients' knowledge from O'Neill's mind, some of his personal memories were also downloaded. It is currently attempting to purge O'Neill's memories from its data banks."
Yeah, baby, just like that....
"You mean that this is...?" Daniel began, pointing his finger at Jack.
"Thor!" Jack yelped, hurrying back to the command console. "Thor, buddy--stop it."
"I cannot. The ship must purge the unnecessary information or it will experience incrementally more severe processing errors."
Yeah, do it again. Do it. Do me!
"Jack, I thought you said you didn't remember anything after getting your brain sucked," Daniel said.
"Apparently there was more sucking to be had," Jack said with a panicked look at Daniel.
"The twins, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked with one eyebrow hitting his hairline as the ship...writhed.
"God, I hope not," Jack said. He turned to Thor, pleading desperately. "Come on, Thor. Hit the mute button. Something. I'm begging here."
The ship shuddered hard enough make SG-1 stumble while a deep, wordless moan echoed over and over. And over.
"Okay," Sam said, trying to not look at any of the men in the room. "I think maybe it's...over."
"No, it's not," Daniel said distractedly. He froze when he realized everyone was looking at him. "I mean...I'm guessing it's not. Even at Jack's age that's a little quick and I'll just be over here in the corner minding my own business."
"You say that this memory was made while O'Neill had the Ancients' knowledge in his brain?" Teal'c asked Thor.
"That is correct."
"You were having sex while we were working our butts off trying to save you and the Earth?" Sam asked indignantly.
"I was dying," Jack protested. "What was I supposed to do?"
"You were supposed to be finding the Lost City," Sam said.
"Yeah, well...." Jack paused as the ship shuddered in hard, rhythmic pulses.
Now, baby, now, fuck, yes, yessssssssssssssss....
"Now it's over," Jack said, slapping his hands over his face.
"You are correct, O'Neill. The ship has successfully purged the useless data," Thor said.
"I object to the word 'useless'," Jack mumbled from behind his hands.
"I wish I had a cigarette," Daniel said in a vain attempt to lighten the mood.
"I wish I smoked," Sam said, surreptitiously fanning herself.
"I wish I had just experienced an orgasm," Teal'c said.
Thor just blinked at all of them.
"There's still room in my corner," Daniel said, waving Sam and Teal'c over to a position of safety.
"Thor, I don't supposed you could suck that memory out of all of our brains," Jack asked, peeking through his fingers.
"I cannot."
"No, didn't think so." Jack turned and headed for the door, his shoulders slumped, weighed by humiliation. "I'll just be...somewhere else."
"Well, I don't know about you guys," Daniel said once Jack had left the room. "But after that I'm really looking forward to the in-flight movie."