"Why can't we see him?"
"You can, Colonel. Just not yet."
"It's just a dislocated shoulder," Jack pointed out. "It's not like Daniel's dead again."
"Still, I don't think it's such a good...." Fraiser's voice trailed off with a resigned sigh.
Jack, followed closely by Sam and Teal'c, brushed past Fraiser and marched into the open ward at the heart of the infirmary. They immediately identified the curtained cubicle at the end of the row as their target. Teal'c took point and swept the privacy curtain away with a flourish. Jack and Sam performed a flanking maneuver and before Fraiser could say "Hippocrates" they were all staring expectantly at Daniel.
"You're the top!" Daniel sang with a loopy grin. "You're the Coliseum. You're the top...."
"He's...singing," Sam observed as she, Jack, and Teal'c aimed equally astonished looks at Dr. Fraiser.
"I don't know what happened," Janet admitted. "He's had these meds before and it never made him...."
"Come completely unhinged?" Jack asked as Daniel pointed at Janet and giggled. She quickly and stealthily wiped a hand across her face before giving Daniel a stern look.
"Are you certain Daniel didn't take anything before you brought him back?" Fraiser asked. "He didn't get anything from the natives?"
"Surely Daniel Jackson would not be foolish enough to ingest an alien drug," Teal'c said. Jack stared at Teal'c for a long second.
"Oh, for crying out loud," Jack said sharply, shaking his head in disgust. "Daniel? Daniel! Did you take any drugs from the local witch doctor?"
"I don't do drugs," Daniel said, looking affronted.
"Medication, Daniel," Sam clarified. "Did you take any pain meds?"
"Well, duh!" Daniel said. "My shoulder hurt."
Jack just smacked his forehead in frustration.
"Well, that would explain it," Fraiser said.
"But he didn't act like he'd taken anything," Sam protested. She frowned uncertainly when Daniel winked at her. "He certainly wasn't acting like this."
"It's not the alien drug itself. It's the combination of that and the meds I gave him," Janet explained. "Nothing to do but let him sleep it off."
"I apologize for doubting you, O'Neill," Teal'c said formally. "Daniel Jackson does indeed need a keeper."
"Well, duh," Jack said, echoing Daniel's sentiment of moments before. He smacked his forehead a couple of more times, just for good measure.
"You're the top. You're the Louvre Museum...hey, Sam," Daniel sing-songed. "Want to know my secret?"
"Carter!" Jack said sharply as Sam stepped closer to the bed. "Don't you think we ought to let Daniel keep his secrets...secret?"
"Oh. Well, if you insist, sir," Sam said, looking mildly disappointed.
"You're the top!" Daniel sang out to a passing nurse. She turned and smiled hesitantly as Daniel batted his eyes coyly at her.
"Daniel Jackson now appears to be...flirting," Teal'c said disapprovingly.
"Ya think?" Jack grumbled. He curtly waved the nurse off, provoking a disappointed pout from Daniel.
"I think it would be best if everyone just cleared out until the drugs wear off," Fraiser said.
"I think it would be best to get him out of here," Jack said. "You've already got his shoulder strapped up. I'll take him home to sleep it off before he breaches national security...or auditions for 'American Idol'."
"And your staff doesn't really need the distraction," Sam said, nodding at the nurse who was still hovering in the background, eyeing Daniel speculatively.
"I really don't want him going home until I'm sure the drugs have safely worn off."
"VIP room then?" Jack motioned for Sam to grab a wheel chair.
"Sir...."
"I'll stay with him," Jack promised as he turned to his musically flirtatious archaeologist. "Sit, Daniel."
"Woof!" Daniel tried, with limited success, to raise his head from the pillow. Jack lifted Daniel's arm which hung bonelessly in his grip.
"I gave him a muscle relaxant before I reduced his shoulder," Fraiser explained.
"Well, it worked." Jack let the limp appendage drop to the bed. "He's very relaxed."
"Stand aside, O'Neill." Teal'c moved over and, with apparent ease, lifted Daniel from the bed and deposited him in the wheelchair.
"Show off," Jack muttered.
"When necessary," Teal'c responded.
Jack pushed the wheelchair rapidly out of the infirmary and down the corridor toward the VIP suites. Daniel sang throughout the mercifully short trip. He bobbed his head erratically to the beat...which, to Jack's great amusement, made Daniel look like one of those bobble headed dashboard dogs.
"You're the top," Daniel crooned, letting his head loll back and looking up at Jack. "You're a Stargate jumper. You're the top. The main Goa'uld whumper...."
Jack's nonplussed look sent Daniel into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. He collapsed forward in the wheelchair, seconds away from diving nose first onto the floor. Teal'c slapped a hand over Daniel's face and pushed him back in the chair.
"Thank you, Teal'c," Daniel said politely.
"Daniel, could you please give that song a rest now?" Jack said, his voice thick with exasperation and amusement.
"Sure," Daniel said easily. "Any requests?"
"No!" Jack barked before Sam or Teal'c could encourage Daniel any further. Thwarted, Sam shot the colonel an angry look. Teal'c merely began to hum "My Way."
"Had no idea you were a closet lounge singer, Daniel," Jack said sarcastically as he wheeled Daniel into the VIP room.
"That's because I was in the closet," Daniel said reasonably.
"You should take it out of the closet," Sam said. She frowned when Jack and Daniel both gave her very strange looks. "What? Daniel has a nice voice."
"Just don't go giving him any ideas, Carter. Not when he's in this state," Jack admonished. He parked the wheelchair next to the bed and stepped back. "Go ahead, Teal'c. Show off."
"It is no longer necessary," Teal'c said as he moved over to the foot of the bed and stood at parade rest.
"What the hell does that mean?" Jack asked. He moved to the front of the wheelchair, wrapped his arms around Daniel's waist, and lifted.
"Teal'c has a thing for Janet's nurses," Daniel 'whispered' loudly into Jack's ear.
"Oh yeah? Which one?" Jack grunted as he poured Daniel onto the bed.
"All of them," Daniel said with a knowing leer. He hooked his free hand into Jack's shirt and nearly pulled him onto the bed, too.
"Really?" Jack said. He threw Teal'c a suspicious look which bounced off harmlessly. Jack shook his head and returned his attention to Daniel.
"Come on, Ol' Blue Eyes, let's get you tucked in."
"Call me irresponsible. Call me unreliable. Throw in undependable, too," Daniel sang to Jack with a wink.
"I've called you all those things and more, Daniel," Jack said.
"You sweet talker you."
"And on that note, we'll leave Daniel in your capable...hands, sir," Sam said. Teal'c nodded his agreement.
"Cowards," Jack said mildly.
"Just don't have too much fun," Sam teased. "Not unless you're planning to share."
"Share?" Jack asked apprehensively. He was fairly certain that he didn't want to share Daniel with anyone. In any way.
"The low down, sir. Audio would be good. Video--even better."
"You're an evil woman, Carter," Jack said good-naturedly.
"Yes, sir," Sam agreed. "Good night, Daniel."
"Nighty night, Sam," Daniel said.
"A word of advice, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said gravely. "It would be most unwise for you to reveal any secrets you may have in your keeping." Teal'c stared pointedly at Jack. "Any secrets."
"What are you looking at me for?" Jack asked. "I'm not the one singing like a canary."
"Although Daniel Jackson's voice is most melodious, I do not believe he sounds like a bird."
"You know what I mean," Jack said impatiently.
"As do you," Teal'c said, leaving before Jack could argue further.
"He's never going to stop doing that to me, is he?" Jack asked.
"Not as long as you keep falling for it," Daniel snorted. He gazed around the room with a bewildered expression. "Everyone's gone,"
"Trust me--you'll be glad they left," Jack assured him.
"Are you leaving?"
"No, Daniel, I'm staying."
"Good. Because that way I can tell you my secret."
"Daniel, it's not a secret if you tell everyone," Jack explained patiently. He slipped off the robe that Janet had left simply hanging across Daniel's shoulders. He briefly considered removing the pajama pants but decided that Daniel sprawled on a bed wearing little more than a smile was more temptation than even Jack could be expected to handle.
"Not telling everyone. Just telling you," Daniel said reasonably. His free hand crept up along Jack's rib cage as Jack leaned over him, trying to make Daniel comfortable.
"How do you know I won't tell everyone?" Jack asked as he gently placed Daniel's hand back on the bed.
"Pfftt!" Daniel chuckled. "You know how to keep a secret."
"Damn good thing one of us does," Jack said dryly as he drew the bedcovers up. Daniel's hand fumbled out from under the sheet and grabbed clumsily at Jack's arm. Jack sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, allowing Daniel maintain his hold on Jack.
"I can keep a secret," Daniel insisted. "I never told anyone about how you grabbed my dick on P...P...P something."
"G-grabbed? Your....?" Jack asked, stunned.
"On PP-something," Daniel nodded, brushing his fingers along Jack's arm. "You got drunk off your ass and then you stuck your hand down my pants."
"Well...that was subtle," Jack said, shocked and suddenly finding Daniel's restlessly roaming fingers less annoying and more...erotic.
"Not even close," Daniel agreed. "You grabbed my ass, grabbed my dick and never stopped singing 'That's Amore'."
"I sang 'That's Amore'? That's.... Wait--I sang?"
This, somehow, seemed far more unlikely than having apparently groped Daniel. Jack dropped his head with a deep groan.
"And that's exactly the sound you made when you came," Daniel said.
"Christ," Jack said, looking aghast. "I'm sorry, Daniel."
"You ought to be. Just plain rude leaving me like that," Daniel complained.
"Like...? Wait, you mean you got, um...?" Jack gestured vaguely.
"An erection?"
"Okay, yes--are you saying you got an erection?"
"You were rubbing my dick," Daniel pointed out. "What did you expect?"
"Well, I can't say what I was expecting at the time because, if you'll recall, I was drunk out of my mind."
"It works like this," Daniel said, pulling Jack's hand under the sheet to press firmly against his groin.
"Holy crap!" After a second, Jack even remembered to remove his hand.
"Oh," Daniel said thoughtfully. "That's not right. That's not right at all."
"What's not right?" Jack said, trying desperately to get Daniel tucked in before he saw...or felt anything else.
"You rubbed my dick and nothing happened." Daniel frowned. "Try rubbing it again."
"I can't rub your dick," Jack protested half-heartedly. "I'm sure it's firm...fine! It's fine."
"Does it look like it's fine?" Daniel argued, trying to free himself from the bedclothes.
"Daniel, settle down. You're going to hurt your shoulder again," Jack said, resolutely not looking at Daniel's groin...which pretty much always looked fine to him. He pushed firmly against Daniel's bare chest and grit his teeth against the urge to...fondle. "Your dick is fine. It's just the drugs. Trust me, okay?"
"How do you know?"
"Because...because Doc already checked it."
"Janet checked my dick?" Daniel said, eyes suddenly wide open. "The slut!"
"She's a doctor, not a slut," Jack choked out.
"So you're saying she couldn't be both?" Daniel asked.
Jack found he couldn't think of a thing to say to that and wondered if maybe he should be recording this. He'd own Daniel's ass for close to forever on the "slut" comment alone.
"I'd forgotten how much fun you are when you're smashed," Jack said dryly.
"I'm always fun. You just don't appreciate my...."
"Many talents?" Jack prompted, allowing his own fingers to momentarily become entwined with Daniel's. "I do, Daniel. Believe me--I do."
"I guess you do. I mean, I'm assuming you don't grab just anyone's dick."
"Noooo...." Jack cringed. "I'm not usually that obvious."
"Or persistent."
"Persistent?" Jack asked, wondering if that was persistent as in annoying, or....
"Very," Daniel said firmly, sliding his hand seductively along Jack's forearm. "But as soon as I grabbed your dick...."
"You grabbed my dick?" Jack said hopefully, mentally cursing the fact that he'd missed the event.
"Um...yeah. I was trying to prove a point...or something," Daniel said, caressing Jack's inner arm.
"Wha...er, point?" Jack asked, distracted by the teasing touch of Daniel's fingers.
"Something about not just grabbing another guy's dick willy nilly," Daniel explained. He wiggled closer to where Jack sat on the edge of the bed.
"Can't argue with you on that," Jack said with a grimace. "I'm really, really sorry about that, Daniel. I wouldn't...I mean I...."
"S'okay," Daniel said soothingly. He slid his hand up to Jack's shoulder and gave it a brief squeeze before moving on to caress Jack's neck. Jack shivered. "I didn't tell anyone."
"And I appreciate that," Jack said hoarsely as he stared into Daniel's heavy lidded blue eyes. With the hugely dilated pupils. "Jesus, Daniel--you are so stoned."
"Not that stoned," Daniel argued. His hand slid fleetingly inside the collar of Jack's shirt. "I mean--it's not like I'm sticking my hand down your pants."
Jack shivered again. Between Daniel's gliding fingers and the thought of Daniel's hands in his pants, Jack had gotten fully hard. And he really, really wished Daniel would stick his hands down Jack's pants. On his pants. Over his pants. Christ, Jack would probably go off like the shuttle if Daniel so much as waved in the general direction of his pants.
Daniel's hand slid up under the hem of Jack's shirt for a less fleeting visit. Jack grit his teeth and clamped his own hand over Daniel's, trapping it between his chest and shirt.
"Daniel...Daniel, listen to me. You have to stop."
"Why?"
"Because you'll be sorry when the drugs wear off."
Jack bit back another groan when Daniel's wriggling hand rubbed against one of his nipples. He'd been celibate for way too long and Daniel was the last person Jack needed pushing his buttons. And the only one he wanted pushing his buttons.
"But if baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top," Daniel sang seductively.
Jack froze helplessly at that image. He finally peeked down at his lap, unable to understand how he hadn't just exploded inside his boxers.
"For the love of God, Daniel. Just go to sleep, okay?"
"Can't. Haven't told you my secret yet."
"Yes, you did, Daniel. You told me. Appreciate the fact that you kept it a secret but I'm glad that you told me."
"That's not my secret." Daniel frowned, finally retreating from the assault on Jack's chest and raising his hand to brush his fingers across Jack's lower lip.
"It's not?"
"No. Course not. That's your secret."
"I guess that makes sense...in a drugged up Daniel way," Jack said. "Okay, I'll bite."
"Promise?" Daniel said in a low voice.
Jack shuddered and once again had to check the state of his pants. He briefly considered the possibility that something was wrong with his dick. There was just no way that he shouldn't have come at the mere suggestion of...biting.
"I meant.... I'm asking what your secret is," Jack said in a shaky voice.
"My secret?" Daniel asked. His index finger marked a meandering path down Jack's torso and along his thigh. Jack watched helplessly as Daniel suddenly ran his finger up the bulge between Jack's legs.
"My secret, Jack, is that if you hadn't been drunk off your ass on PP-something I would've fucked your ass so hard you wouldn't be able to form a complete sentence for a week."
Jack let out a strangled gasp. He was absolutely convinced that if he didn't come in the next five seconds he would spontaneously combust. Poof. Nothing left but a pile of ashes. Possibly a small greasy spot on the side of the bed.
Jack didn't trust himself to look at Daniel. He stared at a water stain on the ceiling as his breath wheezed in his throat. He took deep breaths, pulling himself back from the brink of an inconvenient, embarrassing, and sadly all too one-sided orgasm.
"Daniel," Jack finally said, his voice sounding tight to his ears. "I know you can't be held responsible for...well, anything when you're in this condition. And given that you've been flirting with pretty much everyone who crosses your path, I realize that it may not mean anything. But I'm warning you--if you're just winding me up--I'll have to hurt you."
When Daniel didn't offer any comment, Jack cleared his throat and pushed on.
"On the other hand, if you mean it about...you know...then we need to talk. When you're not stoned out of your mind, that is. We'll talk...'cause that's what you're supposed to do, I guess. But after that maybe we can, um, maybe I could check your dick for you then."
"Daniel?" Jack said after a moment. He finally looked down at the arm lying limply along his thigh and followed it to the face, peaceful in slumber. Jack sighed before removing Daniel's arm from his leg and tucking it under the covers.
"This is not over, Daniel," Jack promised as he walked gingerly to the bathroom. "Not by a long shot."