If Only He... If Only I

Summary: Daniel's thinking again. A sort of pre-slash, slash, PWP. Sort of. Read it and see what I mean.
With thanks to Joy for the beta.

I often look at him and wonder. Is he? Would he?

How would he react if I...?

Of course, I couldn't ever ask him, could I? I've got far too much to lose.

We're on another planet. It's ridiculous how mundane that's become. I've lost count of how many planets we've actually been on. If only I could tell people about it, then maybe, just maybe, it would stop being so damned normal. I can't tell anyone though. Just like I can't tell him.

I watch him as he talks to the leader of the tribe we're dealing with. Mano a mano. Leader to leader. He's laughing out loud as they use sign language to communicate. I have no idea what they're really talking about, but I can guess. Battles fought, men under their command, women they have known...

He looks over to me and catches my eye. I think he knows I've been staring at him. He's used to it now, I think. I'm sure. But he says nothing, as if ignoring it will make it go away. He doesn't want me to go away. He did once, but not now. We've regained some sort of comfortable stability. A wave in my direction calls me over to him. It's not as if I can act as translator, my knowledge of this family of languages is limited, but I do my best.

As casually as I can, I make my way over to him, trying not to smile too broadly at being summoned to his side. Am I that desperate that I need this contact? I must be. I'm that desperate that I will take whatever he can give me and try to memorise it all. Smell, sight, sound - and whatever touch I'm allowed.

He's okay about me touching him, he's a tactile man himself. As long as I keep it on the 'guy thing' level, I can get as much contact as I want. Within reason, of course. I don't touch him much on base, apart from a pat on his back or holding his arm to steer him where he doesn't want to go, or something. Out here, when it's only the four of us, I can touch him more. The others don't seem to notice, or care if they do. I think they know that I need it, and let's be honest here, they indulge me in more or less whatever I want. If Sam only knew what I really wanted, I think she'd blush from here to Christmas and back. But, I think, she'd be there for me when she'd gotten over the shock. Nothing shocks Teal'c. He'd back me up, I'm sure.

"You all right, Daniel?"

He sounds genuinely concerned.

"Um, yeah. I'm fine, Jack. Why?"

"I dunno. You're a bit quiet, that's all."

Ah, I get it. I shrug. "I don't speak the language, Jack. The tribesmen are friendly, but not exactly forthcoming with information, either in their language or in a sign language. There's no point in trying to talk to the women or children, they just giggle and hide. Only your friend here is giving us any information at all, and he's only talking to you. I think that the social structure is such that he only deems you worthy of his time. Poor Sam and Teal'c are bored rigid."

"Have you been able to make any observations?" he asks a little slyly.

I have to fight down a laugh. Observations? Far too many.

I saw the sun catch his silver hair and it lit it like a halo. I saw his black T-shirted body in the shadows of a hut, an air of sheer menace surrounding him. Both times, I was as hard as nails in seconds.

I saw him smile at the children; a warm, friendly, heart-wrenching smile. It made my stomach lurch and then my heart sink as I realised that I never get that particular smile from him. Oh, I get smiles. I get the 'You dog, Daniel' smile when I'm being chatted up by some alien woman. The 'Only you, Daniel' smile when I get into trouble - again. The 'Thank God you're okay,' when I wake up in the infirmary. There's a whole language in his smiles, but I never get the one that tells me that my physical being makes him happy. If only I did.

"Um, yeah. Like I said, I've been making notes on their societal structure and their behaviour, but I don't think they've got anything to teach us. Not that they'll tell us, anyway. And much as I'd love to study them longer, I don't think we'll ever get into the heart of them and learn what makes them tick. Even if I was able to send an anthropological team to live here for a year, I don't think they'd be trusted enough. And without you there, I doubt they'd be allowed in anyway."

"You think too highly of me, Daniel."

Is that possible? You're the man that saved my life on many occasions, Jack. You're the one that took me in when I had nowhere to go, gave me hope when I had none.

Of course, I don't tell him that. How could I?

"No, Jack. You're our leader. The chief likes you." Needless to say, I can't resist the urge to tease him. "Maybe he likes you, Jack," I say, nudging him and winking at the same time.

His double take is to die for.

"Get out of here! Sheesh, Daniel, you've got sex on the brain."

"These days, it's the only fucking place I've got it," I moan.

He laughs out loud. "Tell me about it, pal. I'm beginning to forget what it's all for."

Teal'c and Sam join us, and Jack announces we've got to go. Time to go home. To my empty apartment. To my empty bed.

All I've got to fill it are my thoughts of Jack.

The debrief was brief. We said goodbye and I left the mountain for two days off. I think I'll go back to work tomorrow. It's better than staying at home and thinking of Jack. It's better than taking the chance that he'll come over to see me, or call me to go over to his house to watch a game of some sort. It's too damned hard to keep seeing him like that and not do anything about it.

I've had a quick meal. Couldn't tell you what it was. I haven't tasted any food in months. I haven't smelt the coffee, either. It's like I've lost every sense except those that trigger whenever I'm near Jack. It's getting ridiculous. I have to do something about this.

I have a choice. I can do one of three things.

I can go. I have nowhere to go, but getting away from him would be for the best. Maybe I can contact some of my old colleagues. Not all of them think I'm crazy, some of them even like me. At least I could be with someone without looking over my shoulder all the time.

I don't like that idea. I'd miss Jack and the others too much. Sure, a lot of gate travel is mundane, but hell, it's better than anything on Earth.

I can stay and tell Jack how I feel.

I don't like that idea, either. I mean, how could I? Even if by some stretch of the imagination he reciprocated my feelings, the frustration of not being able to actually do anything for fear of being discovered would be too much. If he doesn't feel the same way that I do, it would break my heart in two and I really would have to leave.

So no. I can't do that, either.

Or I can leave it as it is. Watching him, coming home and using my memories to jerk off to. Conjuring up fantasies based on what I know. The images of him in the shower; that beautiful, hard, scarred body dripping with soap and water. The images of him in battle; desperately trying to beat the odds, using his brain as well as his brawn. Moving heaven and earth to protect us. The images of him looking at me; wondering just what I'm up to now.

I lay naked on my bed, fighting off the urge to just grab my cock and start. I know I won't feel satisfied unless I take my time. Not that I ever get really satisfied anymore. No, I start by stroking it slowly, forcing myself to make it last.

He's at the door. His hand raises as if to knock it, but he thinks twice and uses his key instead. I'm already in bed, doing what I'm doing now; fantasising, jerking off to images of him. He comes into the bedroom and stands at the doorway. It's dark in here, I only see him in shadows as the light from the other room highlights his hair. His dark clothes in the shadows make him look like an intruder, ready to attack me.

He sees what I'm doing but I don't stop. I hear his breathing start to speed up and deepen. He's breathing through his nose, inhaling my scent. I'm watching him watching me and it makes me moan. My back arches off the bed and I reach down and insert two fingers, one rapidly after the other, into my already lubed ass. This time, it's him who moans. I see him reaching down and unzipping his pants, pulling them down fast and grabbing at his hard cock.

I don't want him to come like that, it would be a waste.

"Jack."

My voice is no louder than a whisper, but he hears it. He responds instantly. Within moments, he's kicked off his shoes and pants, ripped off his shirt and he's standing at the bottom of the bed. I open my legs wider and he sees me finger fucking myself harder, jerking off faster. The next thing I know, he's grabbed my hands and moved them away from their task. He's lying on top of me, holding my hands down, his body pinning mine to the bed. Then he's there, pushing inside me, using only the lube that's already in me to get where he wants to go. I do my best to relax, to welcome him.

I feel him as he fills me, he stays still for a few moments, then he starts. There's no tenderness here; it's not offered and it's not wanted. He just holds me down and fucks me hard. He's not speaking, all I can hear are his harsh breaths and occasional grunts. His stomach traps my cock and pushes it into my abdomen, the hard muscles on either side of it rubbing the skin up and down as he moves.

He's finally where I want him. Connected to me in a way that I had dreamed of but never thought he would be. It feels so damned good.

His hands move, he's sliding them under my body, curling them over my shoulders and using them as leverage to pull himself harder, to thrust more violently. I've never been fucked so hard in my life and I'm loving every second of it. I tell him, "More, Jack. Let yourself go." He does.

I feel my orgasm build; I'm close, so fucking close. He's moving fast now, grinding into me, making me bounce off the mattress with each thrust.

I feel him coming. I actually feel it. It takes me with him and I spill hard, coating our stomachs and making him slide as he makes his last moves.

Finally, he lies still. I wrap my arms around him and...

He's not there. Again. I'm on my bed, alone. One hand covered in semen, the other covered in lube. I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't feel satisfied. I feel depressed.

Jack stood at Daniel's doorway and raised his hand to knock. Thinking twice, he used his key. Daniel had seemed off for months, and he had to find out what was wrong. No matter the cost. His heart in his mouth, he stepped inside.