Um?

Summary: A conversation between Dumb and Dumber

Jack crashed into Daniel's apartment, slammed the door shut and pinned Daniel against the wall.

"Um, Jack? You okay?" Daniel asked curiously.

"No. Haven't been for quite some time."

"Yes," Daniel drawled.

"You noticed, huh?" Jack looked a bit sheepish, but not for long.

"Um, Jack? Can we go and sit down please? I'd really like to be able to put my feet back on the ground."

"Oh, okay."

He let go and they headed into the kitchen, where Daniel poured some ready-made coffee into a couple of mugs, and added a generous slug of whisky for luck.

"Good coffee," wheezed Jack.

"Thanks. So?"

"What?"

"What's wrong?"

"Oh that. Yes."

"Yes?"

"Um."

This conversation was getting nowhere fast.

"Jack," Daniel warned, his blue eyes piercing Jack's and making the older man shudder.

"Right. Well, it's like this. You see. Um."

"Um? You already said that."

"Yeah, I know. I don't know how to put it."

"I'd say that was patently obvious. Why don't you just come out and say it."

"Say what?"

Daniel sighed with frustration. "Whatever is bothering you."

"Ah! Um. Yes. Well. You see, it's like this."

This was progress, Daniel thought. Five words in one sentence.

"Go on."

"Well, the thing is, I'm, um..."

"Um?"

"Hnngg." Jack slammed his now cooled drink and headed for the whisky bottle. Then he poured himself another and slammed that too.

This wasn't progress, Daniel now thought, but it was entertaining. Just how many inarticulate noises would Jack come out with before he said what was on his mind?

"Jack, please. Whatever is bothering you, we can work it out. Please tell me." Daniel's voice softened. He put his hand out to Jack and was surprised when he jumped back like he'd been stung.

"DON'T DO THAT!" Jack yelled.

"Why?" Daniel was very confused now.

"'Cause I said so, okay?"

"Okay. Aren't we friends anymore, Jack? Have I done something or said something?"

"No. 'Course we're friends. Just don't... stop with the touching, okay? Just for a minute."

"Okay."

Jack regrouped, gathered his strength and his courage and... completely failed to say what was on his mind.

"You see, it's like this."

"You said that."

"I know! Well it is. Don't you see?"

"NO! Give me something to work with, Jack."

"Aw hell. I can't do this."

"I think you have to Jack. Tell me please."

"I feel... ssss... ssorrrr... fuck it!"

Daniel stood up and poured himself a drink. He figured he'd need it to get through this. Talking to Jack O'Neill on a good day could be frustrating. This was obviously not a good day.

"TELL ME!" he screamed, suddenly pinning Jack against the refrigerator.

"I'M SSSSORRY OKAY?"

"What the fuck for?"

"For being horrible to you. I'm ssssorry." He still had problems with the 's' word, but he was working on it. He had considered a twelve-step programme, but couldn't find one for that particular difficulty.

"That's okay then. Are you going to tell me why?"

"'Cause it wasn't nice?"

"No, why you were horrible."

"Ah. Um."

Oh crap, Daniel thought, back there again. Then he looked into Jack's eyes and saw them darkened. Oops. Better let go of him.

"Oh fuck. Well..."

"Well?"

"I'm... shit."

"I wouldn't have said you were that bad. Pretty nasty some of the time, but I wouldn't go so far as to call you sh..."

"Daniel. Shut the fuck up for a minute will ya?"

He did.

"Christ, this is hard enough to say as it is without you interrupting. Where was I?"

"I'm shit," Daniel helpfully supplied.

Jack took one look at Daniel and burst out laughing.

"You've done it again, haven't you?"

"What?"

"Distracted me."

"Oh. Sorry." Daniel didn't have any problems with the 's' word.

All of a sudden, Jack's eyes softened and he smiled a warm, friendly smile at Daniel, one that his friend hadn't seen in a long time. Jack was delighted when he got one of Daniel's rarest smiles back.

"I'm in love with you, Daniel," was what he said, his voice quiet and gentle and very genuine.

"Oh!" said Daniel.

"Oh?" Jack was surprised. He'd expected something more than that. Maybe a 'get out', 'I hate you', and on his wish list was an 'I love you too', but 'oh'? He got kinda deflated.

"Oh." Daniel nodded, then elaborated. "I already knew that."

"You did? How? Who told you? When? How?"

"You already asked that. No one told me, Jack, I'm a genius remember, I can figure stuff out myself. When - ooh, months ago, pretty much when you started to be horrible to me."

"WHAT?"

"Well, your behaviour was redolent of a young boy pulling a girl's pigtails at school because he liked her. So, it made sense."

"I wasn't in love with you then. Was I?"

Daniel just smiled.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Wasn't sure if you knew, if you wanted to know either. It was enough for me to know. Besides, I couldn't go after you, not with your job and all."

"Ah. Of course. So?"

"What?"

"So what?"

"What do we do now?" Daniel was beginning to think that he was on some sort of TV programme, one of those cartoons with teenage characters with the collective IQ of a slug.

"Ah."

Oh shit, Daniel thought, we're back there again. He pressed the matter.

"Well? Do you want to fuck me or something?"

Jack's latest whisky found itself spat over the floor.

"Don't you want me then?" Daniel asked, slightly hurt by the response to tell the truth.

"Give me some warning will ya? I'm in shock here."

"Did you expect me to turn into some blushing virgin? How old do you think I am, Jack? And you haven't answered my other question."

"Thirty-five going on a hundred. Sure you're not some Jaffa or something?"

Daniel ripped his T-shirt off in response to that and moved closer to Jack.

"You still haven't answered the question, Jack." His voice had lowered and become seductive. Jack felt his IQ dropping with his blood. By the time Daniel got right next to him he'd have lost a round of Jeopardy to a simpering moron. He hated his brain with a vengeance as he heard it say, 'I'll have rampaging hormones for 500, Alex'.

"Yes," he squeaked.

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, Sir," Jack's military training took over.

Daniel giggled. He liked the sound of that. Gazing into Jack's eyes he also realised that the man was gone - completely and utterly out of it. Just how Daniel liked him.

He removed his glasses, reached out and grabbed Jack by the shirt, pulling him close and kissing him.

"Ooh," groaned Jack.

He kissed him again.

"Ah," came the moan.

Jack had dreamed of this moment. Fantasised about it even. And here it was. And he couldn't feel his legs. Or arms. The only thing he knew was that his lips were tingling and his cock was as hard as nails. He worked on instinct now and grabbed hold of Daniel and kissed him back. When they broke for air, Daniel grinned and said, "Took you long enough, flyboy. And in case you were worried, I love you too."

Then he took him by the hand and led him to the bedroom.

"Daniel?"

"Jack?"

"Isn't this a bit too soon?"

"How long have we been dating, Jack?"

Jack thought about that. They'd done stuff together for years. Got drunk together, watched games together, films, hell he'd even gone to museums with Daniel.

"Four, five years?"

"Hmm," replied Daniel and grinned, backing Jack to the bed and pushing him on it. Jack found himself laying down on the bed, his legs still dangling off the edge. He wriggled and got himself all the way on, toeing off his shoes and socks as he pulled off his shirt. He gasped as Daniel got on the bed, kneeled astride him and then lay his chest against his own. The feel of skin on skin drove Jack wild and he renewed the kissing of earlier with interest.

Daniel's hand snaked between them both, undoing Jack's belt and zip, doing the same to his own. Jack pulled him to lie by his side - neither of them breaking off the kiss as they moved. Some judicious wriggling and jiggling had their jeans working their way down their legs, their boxers going the same way.

"Love you, Danny," Jack whispered as he broke the kiss to gasp for air.

"God, love you," Daniel replied as Jack's hand grabbed his dick.

They worked each other, kissing and touching and encouraging. Fingers grasped and stroked, tongues clashed, their bodies grinding against each other. Daniel suddenly flipped Jack on his back and slipped between his legs and pushed.

"Oh Danny," Jack moaned, getting a "Ja-ack," in reply as they both came hard.

"Um," said a distinctly sleepy, sticky and sweaty Daniel.

Jack looked at him and smiled.

"Um, indeed," he whispered, and kissing Daniel's head, he shut his eyes and they both fell asleep.