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"What was it this time?" General Hammond asked with a weary sigh as he seated himself at the head of the briefing room table.
Not half an hour ago his premier team had returned through the gate a little worse for wear. Again. Dr. Jackson's shirt had been in tatters, not to mention the rip in his pants which revealed a disturbing length of thigh. Well, it appeared to disturb Colonel O'Neill anyway. The colonel and Teal'c had both been battered and bruised. Major Carter had emerged from the off-world fracas the best, merely looking ruffled.
"We seem to have found another civilization with little patience for diplomacy," Daniel said with exasperation.
"Ha!" Jack said pointedly before mumbling the rest of his comment to himself.
"What did you say?" Daniel demanded of the man sitting next to him.
"Nothing."
"I believe O'Neill said it was another civilization which had little patience for an intergalactic prick tease," Teal'c said.
"I beg your pardon!" Daniel said, glaring at Jack. "Prick tease?"
"Oh, c'mon. You shake that tight little tush, bat your eyes, lick your lips, luring them along, and they expect to get a shot at it. Your tush that is. And when they don't, they get a little pissy," Jack explained.
"I...luring...l-licking...tush?" Daniel stammered.
"I feel their pain," Jack added.
"We all do," Sam said, rubbing her sore shoulder.
"I never," Daniel protested.
"Which is, in fact, the problem, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said.
"As opposed to the colonel who'll get it up or spread'em for anyone," Sam said.
"Get it up or spread'em?" Jack asked.
"Depending on the gender involved."
"That is so not true," Jack said.
"It is," Teal'c said.
"You're a slut," Daniel agreed. "An equal opportunity slut, but a slut all the same."
"I, er...this isn't about me," Jack said.
"Gentlemen!" Hammond said sharply. "And I use that term with the greatest of reservation."
"General, I'd like to point out, for the record, that Teal'c and I still aren't getting any," Sam said.
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed.
"News flash, Carter. The SGC doesn't exist for the purpose of getting you laid," Jack said. "Though you wouldn't know it the way you keep attracting aliens."
"So it's just you who's entitled to satyric satisfaction?"
"Yes. No." Jack resorted to sticking his tongue out at Sam. He turned to Daniel. "Satyric?"
"Could we get back to the business at hand?" Hammond asked.
"Which was?" Jack asked.
"The problem of SG-1 returning abruptly and empty handed from so many of its assigned missions," Hammond said with exasperation. "I have to justify our expenditures to the Pentagon and at the moment I have absolutely nothing to give them."
"We're exploring," Daniel protested.
"Yeah," Jack agreed. "And how much could that cost really?"
"Dr. Jackson's uniform costs alone are raising eyebrows," Hammond said. "Do you have any idea how many BDUs he goes through in a month?"
"I see your point," Jack said after a brief hesitation.
"We could just send him through in his boxers," Sam suggested hopefully.
"What?" Daniel squeaked.
"Thong?" Jack asked Sam.
"Could we?" Sam asked.
"People!" Hammond thundered. "I insist that you stop this nonsense at once."
"Thank you," Daniel said, shooting a disgusted look at Jack.
"General Hammond is quite correct. To send Daniel Jackson through the gate wearing nothing more than a thong would be extremely foolish."
"Thank you, Teal'c," Hammond said with an approving nod.
"Frostbite would adversely affect Daniel Jackson's appendages," Teal'c continued. "We must wrap him in a blanket first."
"That is not what I meant," Hammond said.
"Sorry I'm late, sir," Dr. Fraiser said, entering the room at a brisk pace.
"What did I miss?"
"Daniel in a thong," Sam said.
"Pffft!" Janet said with a dismissive wave. "I've seen him naked."
"So have I," Jack added quickly.
"We all have, sir," Sam said. "It's only the natives who haven't."
"What's your point?" Daniel asked.
"That you're a prick tease," Jack said. "You've got it, you flaunt it, but you don't put out."
"That's true," Janet said. "I can attest to the fact that Daniel returns from missions relatively intact."
"Hey!" Daniel protested. Then he paused because he wasn't sure exactly why he was protesting.
"What do you mean by 'intact'?" Sam asked.
"What do you mean by relatively?" Jack demanded.
"It means that someday Daniel will make some nice tribe a lovely virgin sacrifice," Janet said.
"See!" Jack shouted.
"So I'm a little picky about who I sleep with. How is that a crime?" Daniel asked.
"For crying out loud, Daniel. I don't have a problem with you refusing to sleep with aliens."
"In fact, O'Neill insists upon it," Teal'c said.
Jack stared at him but decided this was not the time or place or universe to challenge the Jaffa.
"The problem is the flirting," Jack continued.
"I'm not a flirt," Daniel mumbled to himself.
"Assuming Colonel O'Neill's assessment is correct—how do we remedy the situation?" Hammond asked, accepting that maturity and reason were lost causes.
"Paper bag over his head?" Sam suggested after a moment.
"Tattooing 'Property of the USAF' across his tight little tush?" Jack offered.
"Blinding all aliens who look upon his tight little tush," Teal'c said.
"A little extreme, don't ya think?" Jack asked.
"I do not."
"Okay...neither do I actually," Jack admitted.
"For the last time—I am not a flirt!"
"Two words, Daniel— Aris Boch."
"Two words, Jack—bite me."
"You see?" Jack exclaimed, looking at Hammond while gesturing wildly at Daniel. "You see what I'm talking about here? He does that eyebrow thing and the tongue thing...."
"If you think that's flirting, you're a lot more desperate than I thought," Daniel said, peering over his glasses and licking his lower lip.
"I'm telling you right now—stop or prepare to face the consequences," Jack warned.
"Meaning?"
"Meaning I have far less self control than the aliens and if you continue to flirt I'll take you right now, right here."
"Colonel, there will be no 'taking' in this briefing room," Hammond insisted.
"Damn," Sam and Janet muttered in unison.
Hammond looked around the table and briefly regretted that he was a man's man. A military man. A manly representative of the great state of Texas. Because if he weren't he'd put his head down on the table and cry.
"General? Sir?" Jack asked, seeming to sense Hammond's despair.
"Solution?" Hammond said tightly.
"I have a suggestion, sir," Janet offered. Hammond waved a weary hand at her. "Have Colonel O'Neill teach Daniel to be more like him."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jack said indignantly.
"You have a way of getting on people's nerves," Janet said bluntly.
"It would not be sufficient," Teal'c said.
"Not with that body," Sam agreed, nodding in Daniel's direction. Daniel blushed.
"Hey! I'm hot," Jack insisted.
"It's all right, Colonel. I'm sure you were quite the catch in your day," Janet said, reaching across the table to pat Jack on the arm.
"I have one thing Daniel doesn't," Jack said through clenched teeth.
"Gray hair?" Sam asked.
"Wrinkles?" Teal'c asked.
"A secret stash of Viagra?" Janet said. She looked around at the shocked faces and then deliberately buried her face in her report. "Oops."
"Experience," Jack said, glaring. "Daniel may have the looks and the brains, but I could teach him a thing or two about how to handle his dick."
"Can we watch?" Sam asked.
Daniel's blush immediately reached epic proportions.
"Is it even possible to live with no blood supply left to the vital organs?" Sam asked Janet, nodding at Daniel.
"Trust me—there's one vital organ that's fully supplied," Jack said, leaning over and putting his hand in Daniel's lap. Daniel's answering moan wasn't entirely due to embarrassment.
"Doctor," Hammond said tightly.
"Fine, sir. I'll run them through the usual tests but I'm telling you there's nothing wrong," Janet said briskly, getting up from her seat. "Nothing that a little Thorazine wouldn't help anyway."
"So are we done?" Jack asked, still massaging Daniel's groin.
"Yes," Hammond said.
"Not even close," Daniel groaned.
"Go," Hammond said, pointing at the door. "Now."
Teal'c peeled Jack's hand from Daniel. Janet and Sam peeled Daniel from his chair. Hammond kept his expression rigid until they'd all left, then he laid his head on the table, allowing the relative silence to calm him. Until he heard hesitant footsteps.
"Sergeant," Hammond said, waving Davis into the room. He looked up at his trusted aide. "I need something to tell the Pentagon."
"Couldn't we just put it down to Dr. Jackson's high moral standards?" Davis asked.
"We've used that before. Although it's not usually a conflict between Dr. Jackson and the aliens. Normally it's a conflict between Dr. Jackson's morals and Colonel O'Neill's...."
"Sluttiness?" Davis suggested.
"That would be the word," Hammond agreed. He sighed deeply. "Never mind, I'll think up some tale to tell. In the meantime...."
"Burn the tape?"
"Immediately if not sooner."
Debriefings: Curse of the Black Widow