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"Major Davis?" Janet said as she stepped into what was normally an unused office on level 25.
"Dr. Fraiser, please—have a seat," Davis said, courteously getting to his feet.
"What's this about?" Janet asked, sitting in the chair across the desk from Major Davis.
"The Pentagon has asked me to come here and clear up some... ambiguities in a few of SG-1's reports," Davis said, retaking his seat.
"Ambiguities?"
"Ambiguities and omissions," Davis agreed.
"How does that involve me?"
"For example," Davis said, pulling out a folder. "Colonel O'Neill's medical report from August of this year lists 'wormhole induced hemorrhoids' as a diagnosis."
"Keep your voice down," Janet said, putting a warning finger to her lips. "The colonel's a little sensitive about the subject."
"Yes, I can imagine," Davis said dryly. "Now this is the first time we've seen this diagnosis. Is it something new? Why is Colonel O'Neill the only one to have this particular problem?"
"Well, the colonel has gone through the gate more times than anyone else. Other than Dr. Jackson, of course."
"Does Dr. Jackson have wormhole induced hemorrhoids?"
"Not today," Janet said with a bright smile.
"Not... today?" Davis asked, looking confused.
"Unlike the colonel, Daniel knows when to say no," Janet continued.
"To... wormholes?"
"You could say that."
"Is anyone else at risk?"
"Oh, I shouldn't think so," Janet said. "Colonel O'Neill is very jealous."
"Jealous? Of... wormholes... ?" Davis asked, wondering how and when he'd lost the thread of the conversation.
"Let's just say the colonel doesn't want Daniel going anywhere near anyone's wormhole but his."
"And Colonel O'Neill isn't as particular about his wormhole?"
"Oh, please—the man's a slut," Janet said dismissively. A sharp rap on the door interrupted Major Davis' reply... or would have if he'd managed to formulate one.
"Where are they?" Sam demanded, stepping into the room holding her P-90.
"Sorry, Sam, I don't know," Fraiser said. "It's not my day to watch them."
"Damn," Sam muttered, stomping out of the room.
"Watch who?" Davis asked.
"Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson."
"And they need to be watched because... ?"
"You've read all their reports, right?" Janet asked.
"Yes?"
"And you have to ask?"
"General, I'll try not to take too much of your time."
"Always happy to help, Major," Hammond said, motioning for Major Davis to come in and take the chair across from his desk. "Now—what's on your mind?"
"Well, sir, are you aware that Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter have applied for hazardous duty pay?"
"I was under the impression that they already received hazardous duty pay for off-world missions."
"Yes, they do. Apparently they don't think it's enough. According to Colonel O'Neill's hastily edited request... ."
"Hastily edited?"
"It looks like Dr. Jackson made some last minute changes... . Were you aware that Colonel O'Neill writes his requests in purple crayon?" Davis asked.
"He uses green for his mission reports," Hammond said with a nod.
"Right," Davis said, staring at Hammond and wondering if hemorrhoids were the only problem associated with gate travel. "Anyway, from what I can make out of the colonel's writing he says 'I'm not taking Daniel's sweet six through that gate again until I get some kind of appropriate compensation for fighting off junkie princesses, lust crazed Goa'uld queens and libidinous bounty hunters'."
"Colonel O'Neill took quite an exception to Mr. Boch's interest in Dr. Jackson," Hammond said with a fond smile.
"I... see."
"Don't worry about it, Major. Just tell Colonel O'Neill that if he doesn't like guarding Dr. Jackson's six, someone else can be assigned the duty. See if that doesn't shut him up toot suite."
"General?" Sam stood just inside the General's door.
"I don't know where they are, Major Carter," Hammond said patiently. Sam scowled and turned toward the door. "Ah... Major? The C-4?"
Sam stared at the C-4 in her hand, obviously reluctant to surrender the explosive.
"That's an order, Major."
"Fine," Sam said sullenly. She slammed the brick of C-4 down on Hammond's desk with a little more force than Major Davis was entirely comfortable with before stomping out of the office.
"Um... General, why does Major Carter have C-4?"
"Probably because someone confiscated her P-90."
"Sir?"
"Have a seat, Sergeant," Major Davis said pleasantly. He'd spent enough time in Washington to recognize the smell of a cover up. He also knew from past experience that a man like the sergeant, a man nobody really paid attention to, was most likely to know the best dirt.
"Begging your pardon, sir, but I can't be away from the control room for long," Sergeant Davis said. "They're just about ready to lube the gate."
"Lube the gate?"
"Yes, sir. The gate has a tendency to stick if it isn't oiled periodically."
"But surely they don't need you for that?"
"In order to get an even spread the gate has to be turned during the lubing." Sergeant Davis sat up a little straighter, pride evident in his expression. "And no one turns that gate like I do, sir."
"All the same, I suspect someone else could handle it just this once," Major Davis said.
"You don't understand, sir. Colonel O'Neill always shows up to watch and if I'm not there he'll take over."
"Is that such a bad thing?"
"The colonel's a little quick off the mark, if you know what I mean, sir."
"No, I'm pretty sure I don't," Major Davis said, shaking his head.
"Where are they?" Major Carter asked, peering through the door, staff weapon clutched firmly in her right hand.
"I don't know, Major. It isn't my day to watch them," Sergeant Davis replied calmly.
"Why is Major Carter so fixated on locating Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson?" Major Davis asked as Major Carter continued down the hall, growling.
"The major's taken it upon herself to enforce the general's ban on... interaction between SGC personnel."
"Interaction?"
"You know... 'interaction'," Sergeant Davis said.
"Er... no?"
"Good," Sergeant Davis said with obvious relief.
"Getting back to the matter at hand," Major Davis said, hoping against all hope that they could. "Sergeant, are you aware that several debriefing tapes are missing? Specifically those of SG-1."
"Missing, sir? As in... ?"
"As in... missing. Unaccounted for. Not in evidence. Now I'm not making any accusations here, but you are in charge of collecting the debriefing tapes, aren't you?"
"Yes," Davis conceded reluctantly.
"And?" Major Davis prompted.
"And... there's been a small problem with spontaneous combustion."
"Combustion?" "Spontaneous," Davis agreed, making an illustrative hand motion. "Poof. Up in smoke."
"Poof," Major Davis repeated skeptically. "But only SG-1's tapes? Why?"
"We don't know, sir. But Major Carter has put together a task force to study the problem."
"The Pentagon hasn't heard anything about a task force on spontaneous combustion."
"No, sir. The official notification... combusted."
"Spontaneously, of course," Major Davis said, wondering why he even tried to make sense of anything at the SGC.
"Of course."
"Where is Major Carter?" Teal'c asked, stepping into the office.
"Not my day to watch her," Sergeant Davis said.
"No, in fact, it is mine," Teal'c said.
"Oh, in that case, she was headed toward level 24. And she had your staff weapon."
"Thank you," Teal'c said with a polite nod of the head.
"Sergeant," Major Davis said wearily, deciding to ignore Teal'c. The man was an alien after all, and therefore had an excuse for behaving strangely. "Can we talk off the record for a moment? Man to man? Davis to Davis?"
"If you wish, sir."
"You know everything that goes on around here, don't you? You're the man who knows where all the bodies are buried."
"Bodies, sir?" Sergeant Davis asked. "We haven't buried any bodies. Major Carter's actually rather tidy that way."
"Major Carter?"
"The bodies usually get left off world," Sergeant Davis said. "Except for Martouf, but Anise scooped him up in a bottle quick as a wink, and nobody want to fuck with Anise... if you'll pardon my French."
"Er... huh?" Major Davis said. He was starting to get a migraine. And he'd never had a migraine before in his life. "Okay, forget about Anise. Can't you just give me something? Something I can take back to the Pentagon? With a project as big... and secret... and expensive as the Stargate, we simply can't allow these kinds of gaps in documentation. I have to provide an explanation for the... anomalies."
"Well, sir, we find that Colonel O'Neill's usual excuse covers a wide range of incidents."
"And that would be?"
"Aliens made me do it."
Major Davis waited patiently for the elevator that would return him to the surface and, presumably, sanity. He hadn't yet decided what he would put in his report, but he did know he was going to request a long leave. In Hawaii. Or Tahiti. Or Cleveland. Pretty much anywhere that was not now nor ever had been associated with a stargate.
Down the corridor, Davis heard a sudden commotion: shouting and a staff weapon firing. Davis remembered, with some chagrin, that he wasn't armed. This was suddenly a subject of great concern because falling victim to the lunacy of the SGC would be, to his way of thinking, an ignoble end.
As if conjured by Davis' thoughts, all four members of SG-1 came around the corner, Sergeant Davis trotting along behind.
"For crying out loud, Carter," Jack complained. He was tugging his BDU pants away from his crotch... which appeared to be smoking. "Watch where you're aiming that thing next time."
"Oh, please, Colonel," Sam said, her upper arm firmly in Teal'c's grip. His other hand held his recovered staff weapon. "If I'd really wanted to hit your dick I would've done it. After all, I had the telescopic sight attached."
"You know—just because you're not getting any isn't any reason to spoil our fun," Daniel said. He was shirtless, revealing a hickey the size of Crater Lake just above his right nipple. And he kept throwing anxious glances at O'Neill's scorched crotch.
"After all, it's not our fault you can't keep a boyfriend," Jack added.
"How do I know that?" Carter shot back.
"Why would we do anything to your boyfriends?" Daniel asked.
"Yeah—we want you busy. With someone other than us," Jack agreed.
"You are all behaving quite childishly," Teal'c said. "You must learn to control your animal desires as a Jaffa is trained to do."
"Right," Jack sneered. "Easy for you to say, Mr. 30 orgasms per planet without breaking a sweat."
Teal'c smiled smugly.
"It's okay, Jack," Daniel said. "Six orgasms a day is about all I can handle anyway. And you know how your ass gets when you overdo it."
"I want an orgasm, damn it!" Sam said, stamping her foot.
"Major Davis?" Jack said, finally noticing Davis' presence. He fanned another wisp of smoke away from his groin.
"He'll do," Sam said immediately. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c all looked at each other apprehensively.
"I don't know, Sam. Paul's sort of a part of the family now," Daniel said.
"Major Davis has been conducting an investigation," Sergeant Davis piped up from behind the group.
"Investigation?" Teal'c asked.
"Into SG-1 specifically," Sergeant Davis said. "He's on his way now to report back to the Pentagon."
"Really?" Jack said, eyeing Major Davis appraisingly. "Well, that changes things."
"Indeed," Teal'c said ominously.
"He's all yours, Carter," Jack said, decision made. He stepped forward and clapped the bewildered Major Davis on the shoulder. "You join a select—and very short—list today, Major."
"It's been real," Daniel said sadly, shaking Davis' hand.
"W-w-what?" Major Davis yelped as Sam grabbed him by the epaulet and dragged him into the elevator car.
Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Sergeant Davis watched silently as the elevator doors closed.
"It is for a worthy cause," Teal'c observed.
"I got twenty says he never sees daylight again," Jack said.
"Odds are running three to one he never makes it to level five," Sergeant Davis said.
"I'll take some of that action," Daniel said.
"Hey—I thought the only action you wanted was mine?" Jack said.
"Can you?" Daniel asked, looking pointedly at Jack's singed groin.
"Like I've ever let a few scorch marks stop me," Jack boasted. Daniel grabbed Jack's hand and pulled him toward the nearest broom closet. Teal'c nodded respectfully at Sergeant Davis before heading off to the infirmary to resume his tests with Dr. Fraiser.
As a muffled scream echoed down the elevator shaft, Sergeant Davis allowed himself a moment of self satisfaction. He might never get the glory, but thanks to him, another crisis in the SGC had been averted.
That's it, that's all, there ain't no more ;-P