Summary: Jack's POV. Companion piece to Finding Myself. Makes more sense to read that one first.
I don't believe what I am hearing. The little shit has only gone and done a runner. What the fuck brought that on? I'd better have a think about this if I am to stand any chance of ever getting him back. Daniel likes to keep a journal, he says it helps him put things into perspective, so I think that I will write things down as I think of them.
It had to have started when our alternates turned up, yeah, that would be it. Dan and Jon, nice guys, just like us in every way, except for their penchant for tight BDUs, Dan's long blond hair, oh yeah and the fact that they are married to each other. Daniel laughed himself stupid when he heard that. I was shocked as hell. Then I found out that my Daniel (when did he become 'my' Daniel?), wasn't straight. Shit, that came as a surprise I can tell you. I mean he'd never said anything about it. He's not completely gay, he's bisexual, apparently. That would explain the wife and ex-girlfriend. Okay, I can face that, I don't care. He's still my best friend, right?
You should have seen his face when we talked about it, I've never seen him look more afraid. Hell, I've seen him face down Goa'uld System Lords, generals, drill sergeants, even Janet in her 'don't mess with me I'm Napoleon Frasier' mood, but he was afraid of me, his best friend. I'm sure he must have thought I was going to hit him. Nah, that wouldn't bother him, he's endured beatings by bigger guys than me. Oh fuck, now I know, he thought I'd stop being his friend. Looking back, I did try my best to reassure him, without realising that I was doing it. I made sure I was on my best behaviour; we were interested in the technology after all.
Thinking about it, I'm not sure why I was surprised about the news of his sexuality. Daniel's one of those rare people who can accept anyone, you just have to see how he got on with that Unas that wanted to eat him. Only Daniel could have befriended a monster like that. So I guess that he's the sort of guy that can allow himself to fall in love with anyone. He tried to explain it a couple of times to me, at his home using photos of his past friends and over in England when I met his first boyfriend David. Nice guy, great sense of humour. Quite filthy in fact, we had a fantastic time washing the finds at that dig. I'm getting ahead of myself.
When Dan and Jon came to my house and revealed their relationship it forced me to look again at how I saw Daniel. Hell, I'd always known he was attractive, you only have to see the reaction of the people that he walks past to figure that one out. He was stunned by the effect that Dan had on the SGC, heads turning, tongues hanging out (male as well as female), and he was convinced that it was something that he could never do, turn heads like that I mean. The guy is fucking clueless. He doesn't need tight BDUs and long hair to have half the SGC lusting after him, they already do. It's just that his friends, specifically me, Teal'c and Sam along with Hammond and Janet, oh and that lunatic Ferretti, ( 'the usual suspects' as we're known) shield him from it. We all know how much he would hate being the centre of attention. Daniel's one of those rare people, beautiful (did I really write that?), brilliant, brave, selfless, caring and generous. The reason he is so loved though is not because of those things, but because he never, ever, rubs your nose in it. He thinks that we all have the ability to be the same as him, and expects the highest moral standards, never letting us slip. He expects us to follow his train of thought, but when we admit to being lost (even Sam does that) he takes the time to explain things carefully, never dumbing down his words, always assuming that we are highly-intelligent beings but accepting that our areas of expertise are different from his. He's a wonderful teacher and I love to listen to him - not that I'd ever let him know that.
The two Daniels went over to his place and Jon and I talked. It wasn't easy. He'd lost his Charlie too and we found that the things that we had done with him and felt about him were identical. We nearly fought as our emotions boiled over and then we ended up crying for the first time ever over our little boy. God, how I miss him. I had never been able to cry, I think I was frightened that if I started I'd never stop. But having Jon there, knowing that he was feeling exactly the same way as me for exactly the same reason... I was finally able to let go, as was he, knowing that we were there to hold onto each other. When we finally stopped crying we talked about our Daniels. They had got together after the incident on Klorel's ship. When Dan told him to go, Jon told me that his heart was breaking again nearly as badly as when he lost his Charlie. I agreed that I had felt the same way. But whereas I had just touched Daniel's cheek, leaving our eyes to say goodbye, he had bent over and kissed him and told him that he loved him. Jon said he didn't know where to put himself when he saw Dan in the gate room, he was so happy and scared at the same time. But Dan had just fallen into his arms and they had taken it from there. Of course, Dan didn't have the spectre of Shau're hanging over him so he was free to pursue a relationship with Jon. Jon was straight, as he thought, but he had come so close to losing Dan that he was able to put that behind him and embrace not only the man but the possibility of a future with him. When we arrived at Daniel's apartment, Dan rushed into Jon's arms to comfort him, and Daniel looked at me with such pain in his eyes. I could tell that he wanted to comfort me in the same way, but I think he was afraid of how I would react. The look was enough though, I knew that he cared and that was all that mattered.
Of course, they don't have the stupid laws and restrictions that we have - and yes, Danny Boy, if you ever read this, I do think they're stupid and I really couldn't give a shit about people's sexuality. If I like someone, I like them, regardless of with whom they sleep. As far as the crappy 'don't ask, don't tell' rule, I think it stinks. Like you, I believe that anyone who is prepared to fight and die for their country and its people, should be allowed to do so, and be afforded all the rights, privileges and respect in accordance with their rank. I've worked with gay guys, and kept their secret to protect them. You knew some of them, still know a few, I doubt you know they're gay though, I keep secrets well. I'll protect them, that's a promise. I'd protect you too if only you'd let me.
Just got back from another mission without Daniel. I have no idea where to look for him. Ele's sure that she will find him and Wim has no doubt that she will. Sam is going out of her mind with worry and Teal'c is prowling the corridors of the SGC and his body language is warning everyone to stay away. He will only allow the four of us and Janet and Hammond anywhere near him. Oh boy, is Danny going to get it when we get him home. Ele's going to turn up at my office in a minute, she's taken it upon herself to make sure I eat and rest. That's usually what I do for Danny.
We just got some notes through the wormhole, they're from Daniel. It was his IDC and the notes are in a code that only he, Ele and Wim can read. He's alive! Sam has cheered up, in fact we all have at this. Ele says the notes are from a planet which we apparently visited a few years' ago, one which isn't on the Abydos cartouche. At least he's got the sense to stay away from Goa'uld planets.
Hammond gave me permission to take the team to the planet Daniel had sent the notes from. The boy is covering his tracks well. There was no sign that he had even been there, at least not to an outsider. He left a mark on a wall, one which I know was left for me. It is the cuneiform chicken scratch for 'love' that he showed me on Ele's first mission. I know he loves me, he's in love with me. I'm not one hundred percent sure about my feelings for him. I love him, I really and truly love him, but I'm not sure if I want to take that final step. He's already shown me how good it can be, and it is really tempting.
I couldn't believe it when he told me how he felt about me. I was still in shock over the fact that he wanted to leave SG-1. We had gone over to the UK to recruit Ele and Wim, and his ex-boyfriend had turned up too. I was really surprised by how jealous I felt when I saw that they were holding hands and were obviously going to sleep together. I hauled him outside and we got into an argument. Daniel accused me of being in love with Sam, but he couldn't have been more wrong. Then he told me, in as many words, that he loved me. I must have looked really stupid because there was nothing I could say. Before I could reply he turned on his heel and stormed back into the hotel. I didn't get much sleep that night.
The next morning I met Ele and Wim for breakfast and they tried to help me wrap my head around Daniel's feelings for me. I wasn't disturbed by it, I think I was secretly pleased. We were in a huddle at the breakfast table, chatting away, Ele trying to convince me that entering into a relationship with Daniel would probably be the best thing I could ever do in my life, but warning me that it wasn't to be done lightly. Daniel loves with all his heart and soul and to do any less in return would only lead to disaster. He came down to the dining room with David, looking thoroughly fucked and happy. I saw David catch hold of his hand as they approached the table, I think that he was trying to offer moral support. I didn't rise to the bait, I wanted him to know that I was all right with the situation.
The bastard repaid me by shaming me into eating something called black pudding and then telling me it was made of pig's blood as he tucked into his own. I felt really sick.
David, or Mog as he is known, and I were helping out by washing the finds at the dig site. He told me some of the stuff that he and Daniel used to get up to. It turns out that the little pot smoking scene that he had indulged in at my place with Dan was not the worst thing he had ever done. I never knew that Daniel was so wild as a student. Mog reckons that Daniel is such a genius that he didn't have to study anywhere near as hard as the rest of the students, Ele excepted, apparently she's even more brilliant than Daniel (?!). They used to party hard. I still don't understand how come Daniel can't drink American beer. He can hold his liquor, I've seen him drink loads of Scotch and other similar drinks, and he can drink far more wine than I can. According to Mog it used to take at least four pints of British beer to get him relaxed, and it was way stronger than the stuff I drink (and he hates but drinks because it makes me happy - go figure.)
There was this one tale about Daniel, a bottle of Scotch, a statue and a fountain and a very angry policeman. I forget all the details now, mainly because I was laughing myself into a coma as Mog told me it. He's really got a great knack for storytelling. He reckons it's because he's Welsh, what with the Bardic tradition. If that's the case you'd think my Irish background would stand me in good stead for recounting stories, but for some reason I don't seem to have the gift. Perhaps next time we cross the 'pond' as they call it over there, I'll pay a visit to Ireland and kiss the Blarney Stone. I suggested that to Daniel and he fell about laughing, saying that I talked enough crap as it was. Bastard.
I asked him about his sexuality, and after avoiding Ele's cheap cracks about him being a randy goat (I think she meant permanently horny), he explained as best he could. He answered all my questions honestly - I always know when he's lying, even if he thinks he has got away with it. I'll bet that he can read me the same way too. We went for a walk and I couldn't believe it when he apologised for falling in love with me. I just don't get it. The guy is unique, he's a one of a kind, solo, no one like him. And he has fallen in love with me? I asked him why and he told me. I nearly fell over when he said that in his eyes I am the sexiest guy at the SGC. He is so wrong there, but after blushing furiously (and I won't forgive you for making me do that Spacemonkey), I looked at him and I realised that he meant it. Wow, perhaps there is life in this old dog yet.
I teased him, asking him if he was flirting with me, and he came right back at me saying that if he was I'd know it! I think I like this side of him. I always wanted him to stand up for himself. He knows how smart he is, I think he knows how strong he is, he really has no idea how fucking gorgeous he is, but for some reason he always backs down if there is some insult aimed at him. It's as if he won't let himself believe that he is worth as much as anyone else. That is the only thing I really hate about him, his self-depreciation. He'll stand up for others, but never for himself. He's a snide so-and-so when he wants to be, and he can be downright rude if he puts his mind to it. I'm so proud. But I loved seeing this new, self-confident side to him. Mog told me that he was always assured of his own sexuality, never worried what others would think. I think that the disastrous lecture that he gave and the military life have destroyed that side of him. I decided that afternoon that I wanted to see more of it and I made a promise to myself (and to Mog, who really put the idea in my head), that I would never turn him away from me. I wouldn't chase him, but if he wanted more from me, I'd give it the best shot I could. He deserves better than me, but he told me that he'd never find anyone else. Oh God, I think I'm in love with him.
Back again, yet another dire mission. Don't get me wrong, Ele's great, but we fight like cat and dog, and yet we defend each other. She's a lot like Daniel but with a worse temper - if that's possible. When I get hold of Daniel again I'm going to beat him to a pulp for inflicting the dragon on me. I think we are both very tired. She's been reading and translating all of the notes that come through the wormhole from Daniel. We've stopped following up every lead because he's never there when we go and look. Our best guess is that he has a bolt hole where he's hidden all his supplies. Sam's kicking herself because she now realises that Daniel was preparing for this for quite some time. None of us blame him for being pissed off with the SGC. He'd been promised a month at what looked like a great site, but the Pentagon got jittery after a week and pulled them back. They didn't want anything going wrong and losing most of the archaeology department. Hammond fought them, knowing that this could push Daniel into leaving, but he lost. Instead he's making out that Daniel is doing his off-world sabbatical with his permission. We're not letting on that we haven't got a fucking clue where he is.
Just got off the phone. Daniel's landlord wants to rent the apartment out to people who will live there full-time. I've volunteered to take his stuff to my place. I've got the beginnings of a wicked idea.
Yahoo! Ele's just come bouncing into my office and told me that she can see the pattern in Daniel's travels. She tried to explain it, it's got something to do with Babylonian cosmology (duh!) and I don't understand a word she's saying. We're off to see Hammond.
Shit, shit, shit. He didn't understand it either and won't give the go-ahead to go bouncing around the galaxy on a wild-Daniel chase. He wants to wait and see if the next couple of sets of notes agree with Ele's hypothesis. She's fuming, screaming at the walls in God knows how many languages. After her foray into cursing in Latin in front of me that time, she's taken to mixing the words in my presence. Whenever there's any NID around though, she only ever swears in Russian. I love Ele.
I can't wait to find him. I've got plans for him. He's going to live with me from now on, sleep in my bed, with me. It's his fault, he stunned me completely on our last day in Oxford.
I went into the room that he was using, sleeping with Ele actually, they often do it apparently. No sex, just sleep. Anyway, I had thrown on what I always like to wear when I could do with cheering up. My jeans, white T-shirt, leather jacket and my shades - it was a sunny day. He started to yell at me that I wasn't being fair because it made me look good, we argued and he kissed me. You could have knocked me down with a feather, the boy can kiss like no one else I have ever known. He finally let me draw breath by getting on his knees, unzipping my flies and giving me the most fucking incredible blow job I have ever had in my life. Then he topped it off with another mind-blowing, bone-melting, brain-cell-frying kiss. I'm really in love with him, I know it now. When I was finally able to regain my power of speech we talked, briefly, about it. He said that he knew that we'd never get another chance to do that so he wanted to give me something to remember him by. All I could do was kiss him back as gently and as sweetly as I knew how. I wanted him to know that I loved him, even though I couldn't bring myself to tell him at the time. I will, when I find him, and I'll never let him out of my sight again.
We did kiss once more, on Ele's first mission. That was where he discovered that by looking at my groin and licking his lips I'm putty in his hands. He also showed me how to calm Ele by hugging her and kissing her right ear lobe. It works too, I used it on the last mission. Heh heh. I wonder if it works on Daniel when he's throwing one of his hissy fits? Can't fault a guy for trying, can you?
He was teasing me about the blow job while we were waiting for reinforcements to collect that incredible arms find. I really should listen to my archaeologist about where to go on a mission, it was the best find the SGC had ever had and kept the Pentagon and the NID happy, not to mention Hammond when Daniel stood up to the NID creep and made them let us keep most of the stuff. As I was saying, he was teasing me, I told him I'd never forget it, he asked me if I wanted a reminder. Duh? Of course I did. He kissed me again, as passionately as he could. I got seriously hard at the remote prospect of a repeat performance. We couldn't, of course, the reinforcements were due through the gate at any moment. So, I kissed him back. I think he was starting to get the message. That was when he taught me the symbol for love in cuneiform. He said that whenever I saw it, I was to remember that he loved me.
Part B of my plan is going into action tonight. It can't look as if Daniel and I are a couple. Everyone knows that we are best friends, and so it sort of makes sense for him to come and live with me. His stuff is being moved to my place tomorrow, so tonight, Sam, Teal'c, Janet, Cassie, Siler, and a couple of the techs are coming over and we are going to do some decorating. I'm letting them all see 'Daniel's Bedroom', and I'm giving him my den as a study. Sam and Janet have done some thinking and research about appropriate colour schemes, Siler and the techs are going to build shelves and redo the lighting. He's going to love it, I'm sure. I hope.
I am, to borrow a phrase from Ele, bloody knackered. Last night we worked until 0100 hours decorating the rooms and this morning shifting his stuff over here. Even his fish have a new home in my living room.
We'll have a party when he comes home, to rival his leaving SG-1 party. Man that was so good, I hardly remember it. I wish I could though, 'cause everyone keeps talking about a lettuce and a tango, but I'm buggered if I know what it's all about. Wim and Ele told me that Daniel plays jazz piano, and they used to have jam sessions back home. He plays the guitar and she plays the fiddle. Now his piano is installed in my living room they can provide some of the entertainment. The morning after the last party was funny, I was throwing up in the toilet and Daniel was naked and in the bath (?). No one knows how he got there, including him. A lot of Scotch was drunk that night, going by the amount of empty bottles, not to mention beer, wine, brandy and God knows what else. When I had finished I had to help him get out of the bath. He is even more sexy naked than I had previously thought. He's usually too shy to show off in the showers at the SGC. He started to throw up and I knelt behind him and stroked his back, just the same way I used to for Charlie. I got a much different response though. Ele's right, that guy is horny. I've never managed to get a hard-on while I was throwing up. I'm impressed.
Just got back from seeing Hammond. Ele's proved to his satisfaction that we can predict where Daniel is likely to be. I managed to persuade him that I should go and get him alone. He told me to either bring him back or don't bother returning. He's been getting a lot of flack from the Pentagon for losing his best scientist, I think. He'll protect Daniel as long as he can, but I have to get him home soon or else he won't be allowed back.
I'm going in a minute.
We just got back and I'm having difficulty concentrating. I found him straight away. I saw the MALP so I knew that he was there and I recognised the planet. He had wanted to spend more time investigating some structure and I hadn't allowed it before. He was nearly finished now, so I called back to the SGC and said we'd be another day or two. After all, he was nearly finished so he may as well stay to complete the task. Hammond allowed it, I think he also realised that Daniel and I had a lot of talking to do.
We didn't talk much to start with. I told him I had missed him and I started to kiss him and undress him. He replied in a similar fashion. Next thing I knew I was lying on top of my naked anthropuppy (it's a nurses' nickname for him, cute) and we were grinding away, kissing and touching each other like we were about to die. I thought I had as I came like a train all over him, but he was obviously impressed by my technique because he came a few moments later.
I finally told him that I love him. He then insulted me by suggesting that this was a ploy to get him back. Damn, he's more devious than I thought. That's my boy. He made it up to me by giving me that repeat performance I've dreamed about (and jerked off to) with knobs on. My sneaky bastard had greased his finger and as he was sucking and licking my prick and melting my brain, he suddenly stuck his finger up my ass and hit something (which I later found out to be my prostate, or happy button as he calls it), making me scream and come harder than I have ever done before. The wicked grin on his face was a sight to behold.
We did talk, eventually, and I told him about his apartment. He was pretty depressed about it until I told him that his stuff was at my place and that everything was all right. He cheered up then and asked me if I was wanting him to move in with me. Do I? Yeahsureyoubetcha. Did he want to come? Oh yeah. We celebrated one more time, a mutual five knuckle shuffle rounding off our conversation.
When I woke up I found him writing his journal. I wish I could read his code. All his field journals get written in English, but his personal stuff is always written in code. He says it is to protect the innocent, but I know that some of the entries must have something to do with me, and there is no way in hell that I can be called innocent.
Daniel has just finished his debrief with Hammond and his check-up with Janet. I'll bet she told him that he had to rest for a few days and eat himself stupid too. He's lost a lot of weight. So have I, I've been worried sick about him. Party at my, no, our place tonight.
Groan, just woke up with a doozy of a hangover, but the upside was I was naked and horizontal with my darling Daniel. I was also so horny it was unbelievable. We actually had sex the night before, full-on, or should I say full-in, sex. This morning, we made love. I don't really remember too many details about the night before - typical, my first time with a guy - but this morning made me cry, it was so beautiful. My Daniel is so gentle and a good teacher. He wouldn't let me go on the bottom, he says that I should wait until I am really ready, but he taught me what I should do, patiently guiding me each step of the way. Every movement was punctuated with butterfly kisses and gentle strokes down my arms and back. When I was in up to the hilt he told me to let rip, begged me to in fact. I can never turn my Daniel down. He was laughing himself silly when it was all over and I was most offended, until he informed me that the only thing he was laughing at was the fact that whenever I am coming I call him "baby". I do not. Do I?
I do remember bits of the party. Wim, Ele and Daniel were doing their jazz thing, improvising mainly. Then Ele saw a Peggy Lee CD in my collection so she sang a few of her songs for me. That woman can sing. Her voice is low and sexy and really suited the songs. She sang some others too, and Daniel joined her for a few. Did you know that Daniel can sing? Not only that, he can sing jazz. He impressed me again, and the others for that matter.
Sam and Teal'c have just gone home. They came over this afternoon and we told them about us. Teal'c was way cool about the whole thing and Sam gave me a hug. I got a bit jealous when she fell into Daniel's arms and they were hugging and kissing each other. I swear he told her that I call him baby, but he denies it.
HE'S BACK! George asked him to rejoin SG-1 as a personal favour to him. Daniel, who had already decided that he wanted to rejoin us, of course said yes and pleased George no end. George knows about how I feel for Daniel. I haven't told "The General" of course, I can't tell and he won't ask. A couple of months into Daniel's self imposed exile I went over to his house, we had a few too many drinks and when he asked me about Daniel and the trip to Oxford I broke down and told him everything - not about the blow job though, that would be TMI. He's good about it, doesn't give a monkey's, but of course he warned me not to treat Daniel any differently in public than before. I won't, I have far too much to lose.
Final entry for this journal. As of tomorrow, I'll either start a new one, or not bother at all. Ele's on SG-8, the team voted second most lunatic at the SGC (next to SG-1, of course), and she seems happy enough. We ship out at 0800, Daniel among us. I got a bit scared though at the end of the briefing, but I needn't have worried. After all the cameras had been turned off, George asked that Danny and myself remain for a few moments. Then he warned us that holding hands and picking flowers would be treated with extreme derision. I couldn't stop laughing and Daniel fell on the floor.
I see a bunch of wild flowers with a certain General's name on it, coming up.