default style cream background and navy text

Finding Myself

Summary: Jack finds out Daniel's secret: Daniel's point of view.

I'm not completely sure how I got here, alone on an alien planet, thousands of light-years away from my friends, my family, the SGC. I suppose it all started when we discovered that the quantum mirror hadn't been destroyed and an alternate Jack and me came through, much to the surprise of the guards at Area 51. They insisted on visiting the SGC and wouldn't speak to anyone from the NID, not that I can blame them. I mean, I don't like talking to them - ever.

So, they were brought to us, and boy, were we surprised.

There I, er he was; all long-haired and sun-bleached, wearing tight BDUs and no glasses. Hell, even Sam called him beautiful, something she has thankfully never called me, and he had virtually every woman (and quite a few men) turning their heads to look at him the way they never look at me - thank God. Jack, the other Jack, or rather Jon as he preferred to be called, wasn't quite as grey as our Jack, but just as fit and handsome, also wearing tight BDUs and a smug grin. But what I think most surprised me was the fact that both of them were wearing rings on their wedding ring fingers. I wanted to ask straight away, of course, but something made me hold back.

They were on a mission, it turned out, to try out some devices that their Sam had invented that they hoped would counteract the entropic cascade failure, so they had dialled up many different worlds to find one where I was at the SGC, so we could interact and prove the theory. They promised us the blueprints if we co-operated, so of course, we did.

The fun started when we were knocking off duty. Jack offered to take Jon home, and of course, I offered to take Dan (as he preferred to be called), home with me. They refused to be separated, so all four of us ended up at Jack's because he had more room. When we arrived the questioning began in earnest over pizza and beer. Was Dan still married to Shau're? Was Jon still married to Sara? Were they like fuck? This was also when we found out the reason that it was Dan who had accompanied Jack and not Sam.

It turned out that Dan hadn't been able to get Shau're to the sarcophagus in Ra's ship and so hadn't spent that year married to her. The rest of the story was similar though. They detonated the bomb in orbit, Dan had stayed because he had nothing to go back for and had found the cartouche room too. Then, as with us, Apophis had come but had taken Skarra and Farouk, another one of O'Neill's "warriors", while Jon and Dan and the others were in the map room. The rest of the history was pretty much the same but with a few major as well as minor differences. Teal'c was there; they'd met the Asgard; they'd decided to study the mirror; Dan and Jon were married to each other... That was the point at which Jack choked on his beer and I had to be picked up off the floor because I was laughing my head off. Same-sex marriage in the US was legal in their world, as was homosexuality in the armed forces. Jack was spluttering that he couldn't give a damn about people's orientation, but I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the thought that there was a version of him that was fucking another man. Of course, I wasn't bothered or really very surprised about my counterpart. At that time there was one BIG secret that I had kept from him for many years. The obvious question came from Dan.

"Daniel, come on, you're not telling me you are straight, are you?"

Jack stared at me as I replied straight-faced but not looking at him, 'of course not'.

"What?" Jack demanded.

"Er I'm bi, Jack, always have been," I replied.

"Bi. You mean you're gay?"

"No, I mean I'm bisexual, Jack, I'm just as happy to be with a woman, you know, well you should, you've seen me with a few. Why? Does it cause you a problem?"

Jon and Dan wisely retreated to the garden while this conversation was going on. Pity really, I could have done with some moral support. I thought I was watching the best friendship I had ever had in my life go down the toilet faster than a whore's knickers could drop while the clock was running.

"Problem? No! Yes! No! Why the fuck didn't you tell me Daniel?"

I could tell that he was hurt by this, but I had to try to explain my side, not that he really wanted to listen.

"Jack, when the hell was I going to tell you? When we met? When I got back from Abydos? I was wrenching my heart out, I had just lost my wife for fuck's sake, and don't you dare think I didn't love her."

"I know that Daniel, I know you did, it's just this is a surprise, you know. Why didn't you tell me after?"

"What, after all those years I spent, we spent looking for her? You would have thought, hell I don't know what you would have thought, but you wouldn't have been happy. My point is, there has never been a good time to tell you. Would you have shared a tent with me off-world? Would you have wanted me around, to stay at your place overnight? Would you have wanted to be my friend? Jack, if word of this gets out, you will be tarred with the same brush just for being around me. That way leads to you getting into trouble and me getting the shit kicked out of me at the base. It was better for you that you didn't know, and better for me too. I haven't even looked at another man since I joined the SGC, just in case I gave myself away. Do you know how hard that has been for me?"

Jack surpassed himself that weekend, I was so proud of him. We spent most of the time at his house. He gave up his bed for Jon and Dan, and they behaved themselves, at least there were no sounds of them making out. They realised that Jack was uncomfortable. I, of course, slept on that damned couch, so I was uncomfortable too. I was tempted to offer to take the two of them back to my place. My bed is big enough for three. They'd have said yes, I'm sure, but Jack had had enough shocks of a sexual nature to last him the weekend.

There was more fun to come though as Dan managed to help me surprise Jack further. There was a guy he knew in his Springs that he could get some pot off, so he sneaked out in the evening, found his 'our' world counterpart and came back with enough for a couple of joints each. Jon, apparently, never indulged and Jack threw a fit when he found the two of us laying on the floor, completely mellowed out. We weren't stoned, not totally, just very relaxed and able to see the funny side, well of just about anything. It had been so long since I had smoked pot, hell, I hadn't smoked anything stronger than a cigarette since grad school and Jack's face was a picture.

"Daniel? What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

"Smoking pot, Jack. Do you want some?"

I thought he was going to burst. *tee hee*

The next day we did go over to my place and Dan and I spent the day reminiscing, using old photo albums as an aide memoire. Jon and Jack came over a few hours later, turns out they had done pretty much the same thing. Jon had also lost Charlie in the same way and the two men had nearly come to blows before comforting each other. Dan and I could see that they were upset when they walked through the door. It broke my heart that I wasn't able to comfort Jack in the same way that Dan could offer succour to Jon. I stayed away from him, just telling him with my eyes that I was there for him. I think he understood.

Jack looked at the pictures with us. I tried to use them to explain my sexuality to him, but I think it was too much for him. He saw the pictures of me with the old gang back at Oxford. Ele and Wim were in a load of them, they were the two that I shared a house with for the few years that I was there. We had such a good time together. Ele and I were an item for a while. She was a fearsome creature, with a temper to put Janet to shame, but she was very kind and good to me, still is too. They are the only people from my past that I have ever kept in constant touch with, even if it is only a few phone calls and lots of emails. More of them later.

Jack laughed at a picture of me and her soaking wet as we came out of the river where we had just fallen in. We were dripping and laughing our heads off in the photo. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, it was the day we decided to get together. Our relationship was a bit strange. We loved each other dearly, but we also knew that there was no future in it, so we just lived for the day and were very happy together. After a year, we decided to call it quits, but I still lived with them until I left and there was never any awkwardness between us. The sex side of things had just cooled and we settled into being close friends. Wim was never jealous, even though they eventually got together for a while themselves later.

Jack stopped laughing when we turned the page and saw a picture of me and David, my first boyfriend. He was tall, red-haired, freckle-faced and skinny, but he was so cute. The picture was of the two of us at Ele's house, him sitting on an armchair, and me sitting on the floor between his legs. He was leaning forward with his arms dropping over my body, enveloping me in a hug and kissing my neck. I looked so at peace, probably because I was. David was a good guy, great fun to be with and very caring - not to mention a knockout in bed.

"You two look very happy there." Jack said quietly as he looked at the picture, unable to look me in the eye.

"Probably because we were. That was taken after we had been together for a few months and we were very content."

"How long?"

"Best part of two years, we had a good time together. We split up when I left the UK to go to Chicago. David's area of expertise is geophysics, and he is good at his job and much in demand at home."

"Pity, you could have done with someone to keep you on the straight and narrow."

Jack teased me gently, but I could see that he meant what he said. He was sad for me that I couldn't stay with people that made me happy. I tried to tell him that being at the SGC with him and Sam and Teal'c and the others made me happy, but he pointed out that he rarely saw me looking like that. I so wanted to tell him why, but I couldn't. Not then. I never should have or I wouldn't be here now on my own. The trouble was, Jon and Dan's visit let the genie out of the bottle. I had tried so hard to cover up my true self, the one that could love anyone regardless of gender, because of the stupid rules, and in doing so I had denied the part of myself that wanted to have fun. I had a lot of fun on that long weekend with our doubles. Dan never let me withdraw into my usual fugue, and I didn't want to return to being boring old Daniel who never got laid. Celibacy has its advantages, but getting laid is much more fun.

They stayed for 72 hours, proving that their Sam's devices worked, and true to their promise they handed over the design specs before they left. It was hard to say goodbye. The mirror had been brought back to the SGC, and Hammond had allowed us to be the only ones to accompany them to it, to say our goodbyes in private. Tears were shed as I hugged my 'twin' goodbye, and Jack did his best to not look uncomfortable when Jon gently kissed me before wrapping me up in his strong arms. God, how I wanted Jack to do the same, but he couldn't, and I was so sure that he never would. That hurt more than saying goodbye.

It's hard to write this, without shedding more tears, but I need to exorcise the demons that live in me. Sure, I wrote my journal at the time, that's how I remember the conversations now. There are some advantages to have a photographic memory after all, but my journals of the time are back on Earth, where they will probably be looked at and stored. I'm just glad I wrote them in a code of my own making, just like the one that I am writing in now. Only Teal'c could stand a chance of decoding them because I use Linear A a lot, mixed with cuneiform, a language very few people can read. By the time they ever get decoded, Jack will be long retired and untouchable.

After they had gone I talked to Hammond about setting up a permanent team of archaeologists, which I wanted to lead. I told him that we were probably missing a lot of Goa'uld technology because we couldn't spend enough time at the various sites that we wanted to visit. He could see the merit in my argument, of course, but he wasn't sure about letting me leave SG-1. I told him that I wanted to return to my first love, that I was not a warrior and I was fed up of traipsing through the galaxy going from one fight to another. It was either that or I'd leave the SGC altogether. I knew that Ele and Wim would look after me until I could get another job, so the threat wasn't idle. I also told him that I wanted to recruit them to help me out. Then I went to face Jack, it was the least I could do.

"You want to do what?"

"I'm leaving SG-1, Jack. I want to go back to archaeology. I don't get enough chances to do the job I trained to do, that I love to do. I'm sorry, Jack, but I've had enough. Hammond's working on getting permission for me to recruit Ele and Wim. Wim could help me run the department and Ele would be perfect for SG-1. She's terrifyingly smart, really fit and she can handle a gun. She was a modern pentathlete, you know, shooting, fencing, running, swimming and riding. She's far more co-ordinated than I am, and she doesn't need glasses, or at least she didn't when I last saw her. She speaks more languages than I do too. She wouldn't hold you back like I do. Not to mention that she's probably the only other linguist on the planet who can handle you."

He blinked at me, wondering about the last remark. I didn't point out her dark side; the bad temper, her tendency to forget to speak in English even though she was technically a native of the UK. He argued that I didn't hold the team back, but I didn't believe him. I could tell he was upset, nowhere near as much as I was, but then I've had years of practise at hiding my feelings. It was never a good idea to show sorrow or fear in the orphanage or in some of the foster homes I had. The adults were fine, some were more caring than others, but none of them hurt me. It was always the bigger kids that had it in for me, the ones with the quick fists. Jack thought that I didn't care. It wasn't true, but I couldn't let him know that I was tearing up inside. I would die for him, I had died for him, but now, for his sake, I had to pretend that I wanted nothing more to do with him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, harder even than killing for the first time. Rumours of the relationship between Dan and Jon had already begun to circulate and doubts about my sexuality were already rife. If it got around that I was bisexual then the powers that be that wanted to break Jack would have the ammunition they needed to finish the job. If I told that to Jack, he wouldn't let me go, so I had to tell him that it was fun while it lasted but...

"Danny, don't go, please. I need you on my team. We're a good team, don't break it up."

He was pleading with me, and it was all I could do not to pull him into my arms and kiss him senseless. But how could I? How could I tell him that I loved him, that I had been in love with him since that first year together? I think I realised it when he came back for me on Oannes, even though Nem had changed his brain to believe that I was dead. The others had fought the block too, and I loved them for it, but the look of relief when Jack saw me made my heart sing. For a few years it kept singing; arias, happy songs, pretty songs. Then there was the zaytarc episode and all it would sing was dirges. Knowing that he loved Sam and not me broke me and put a barrier between us that we have found difficult to break down. Sure, we kept up the double act, finishing each other's sentences for each other, messing about, making the others laugh. But the joy had gone and with it any hope I ever had of loving another. I stopped going over to his house, hockey nights were a thing of the past. I knew then, I think, what I know now. No one will ever take the place of Jack in my heart, my brother, my soul mate, the man I love.

Hammond got the permission for me to recruit Ele and Wim and ordered, much to my chagrin, Jack to accompany me back to Oxford, where they were both based. We talked on the plane on the way over there.

"Tell me again about them, Daniel, I need to know what you are letting me in for."

"Okay. Wim is Dutch, real name Professor Willem Van der Lyden, but he's always known as Wim. He's fifty, fit, good-looking, a specialist in the Norse men and Saxons and he speaks all the Northern European and old Soviet Bloc languages. He's a real Indiana Jones-type character but he's no grave robber, he's a proper professional. He's just very laconic and has an adventurer's spirit. He's a good guy, brutally honest. If he doesn't like you, he'll tell you, but if he decides that he does like you, you won't find a better friend. He'd walk through fire for those he loves.

"Ele, now she's similar in loyalty, though probably more overtly fierce in her defence of her friends. She used to publicly stand up for me, saying that people should listen to what I was saying and not make their stupid interpretations instead. They believed in me and encouraged me to find the proof for my theories, even if they didn't think it was good for me. They wanted me to be right. Ele is one of those people that has faith in humanity and believes that prehistoric humans weren't as backward as some modern historians believe. Her speciality is the Celtic world. Her national background can only be described as mixed. On her father's side she covers all the bases as far as the geographical British Isles are concerned. She has English, Welsh, Irish and Scots blood on that side. On her mother's side, she's French, Dutch and both sides of the Belgian divide. She speaks about thirty languages - fluently - she only learned English when she was five, like me."

"I thought your parents would have taught you English first, Daniel."

"If I had seen much of them, they probably would have, but I was brought up by a succession of nannies, mainly Egyptian, but one was French. I understood English, but I didn't speak it until I was five or six. I could speak Arabic, French, German (there were a number of German archaeologists working there), and I could pretty much read hieroglyphs by the time I was four, but I didn't see much of my parents so I didn't have anyone to speak English to. Anyway, I was talking about Ele." I didn't want him to think that I was angling for the sympathy vote.

"If you ask her she tends to say she's European rather than one particular nationality. Her Dutch side is why the three of us got together. She had a house near Oxford which her father had bought for her in lieu of helping out with living expenses. I think it was a tax thing; anyway she needed to rent out rooms to pay the bills. Wim came over not long after she got there, as a mature post grad student doing his doctorate. She heard his accent as he was trying to find somewhere to live at one of the student offices on campus. Apparently she called out to him in Dutch, he turned around, answered her and next thing he knew he had a house. When I got there, about five years later, she was still a student and he was teaching there. I heard them chatting in Dutch, and as I speak the language because of Nick, I wandered over and asked them if they knew of anywhere I could get digs. Ele took me home with her. Her real name is Marie Elena Johanna Astrid Hawkin, known as Ele to virtually all. I call her something else, but that's my nickname for her."


"Meja, spelt M-E-J-A, but pronounced May-ah, from her initials. She calls me DJ so I wanted to get my own back. She doesn't mind, but God help anyone else that calls her it, not even Wim would dare."

We chatted a bit more about them and then slept the rest of the way. Jack was pretty quiet, never joking or teasing. It hurt to do this to him, but it was necessary. I called Wim from the airport and he said that Ele was on a dig on the Welsh border and that he would meet us there. He hadn't long got back from a dig in Norway and hadn't seen her in weeks, so he was glad to do this. He also said that he would make reservations in the local hotel for us too, which was a relief, because I had no idea how long it would take us to get there. We hired a car and I drove, Jack was nervous about manual transmission and driving on the left. It only took me a few minutes to get back into the swing of driving there. I didn't tell him we could have hired an automatic car, I didn't want him driving in the mood he was in anyway. It took us four hours to get there, and it was mid-afternoon by the time we arrived. Thank goodness we had red-eyed it over.

I found the dig site and pulled up close to it. I heard her before I saw her, she was Belgian born but a London bred girl and has a sharp North London accent which you can hear a mile off. Not Cockney as Jack thought, it took some explaining about the differences later. I had to tell him to lay off the Dick Van Dyke/Mary Poppins stuff, that's something that makes everyone cringe over there. I sneaked up on her, she was in a pit, yelling at some student who had managed to put his foot on some pottery shard. As quietly as I could, I crept behind her and lowered myself down, making her scream as I slipped my arms around her waist and planted a kiss on her ear. I jumped out of the pit before she could turn around and hit me. She was just about to blow her top when she looked up and saw me standing there, I was so trying not to laugh at her shocked face. She scrambled out of the pit, cursing the day I was born and Jack looked like he wanted to draw a gun and shoot her. When she was out though, she jumped up into my arms and I swung her around.

"DJ! Where the fuck have you been?"

Oh yeah, I forgot, she swears like a marine. No Mary Sue is my Ele. We showered each other with kisses, the young student looking very relieved that I was there to rescue him from the very real dragon that is Meja.

"Meja, I've come for you. I need you."

It was all I needed to say. She dropped her tools and took my hand, leading me away from the others. Jack followed a few paces behind listening in to us. Not that that would have helped, because we slipped into our old way of talking, mixing our languages, sometimes with more than one in one sentence. We started in English, but by the time we had gone fifty feet, we had gone through French, German, Dutch, Russian and even a smattering of Latin. Jack looked thoroughly confused. I introduced them as we sat on the grass. It was a beautiful summer's day, and contrary to popular belief about British weather, it was fairly typical. The temperature was in the high 70s, early 80s, and for once the humidity was fairly low. We sat together and chatted until Wim pulled up.

He had a surprise for me, someone he had bumped into in Oxford and who had decided to come for the ride.

It was just as well that Jack didn't have a drink in his hand this time, because it would definitely have gone everywhere as I got up and fell into David's arms. The hug would have been enough, but I don't think he could have coped with a drink and watching the two of us start to kiss. It was so natural to be there, with David's sweet lips over mine. If it wasn't for the catcalls and wolf whistles emanating from the pits I doubt that we would have stopped. I have so missed him, he kisses like an angel.

"Oh my God, Daniel, you look absolutely gorgeous. Look at you!"

"I could say the same about you, Davy, the years have been very kind. Hey, you even fill out your shirt now!"

We teased each other with references to how skinny we had both been back then, poor students with little regard to working out or getting fit. I used to run, a bit, but that was about it. Even if I say it myself, I think I look a lot fitter now than then. Ele complained that she was packing up the dig in the next couple of days and they hadn't finished. Wim and I offered our services which she gladly accepted; as she said, diggers that work only for beer aren't easy to find. Even Jack and Davy were roped in, washing the finds. I think Jack actually enjoyed himself. We spent a good couple of days there, as Ele wound the dig down. It would be reopened again the following year, but the summer holidays were drawing to a close and the students had to go back to uni.

That first night in the hotel bar, I asked them what they were doing and they both laughed out loud. It turned out that they had both turned down the chance to go back to teaching that September. They had no idea why, but about a month previously they had just decided to take a break, and go off and do something completely different. It suited me, and I just out and out asked them to come and work with me. I told them that they couldn't know anything about the job until they got there, that it was dangerous with the very real possibility of getting killed, and the fact that they wouldn't be appreciated as much as they should be. Jack shifted uncomfortably at that remark, but I think he actually agreed with it.

"You said you needed us DJ, that's enough for us. We'll come."

I think that one sentence helped Jack to understand Ele and Wim and their level of loyalty. Davy asked if I needed a geophysicist and I said I did, but that I would have to get permission for him to work there, not to mention he wouldn't have anything like as much work to do. It would probably be better for him not to come, even though I really wanted him there. Davy accepted that without question, he knew me well enough that I couldn't lie to him. As we were finishing our drinks before retiring, he whispered that he would like to spend the night with me. I just grinned and took him by the hand as we said goodnight to the others. Ele and Wim said nothing, well, apart from goodnight of course, but Jack looked like he would explode.

"Er, Daniel, can I have a word before you go up, please? Outside."

I followed him out, telling Davy to go upstairs. He had booked into the hotel too, but we knew that it was a waste of money paying for two rooms. Jack didn't know where to start.

"Daniel, are you out of your mind? You haven't seen this guy in years and you are going to sleep with him."

"Actually Jack, I doubt I'll get much sleep."

Okay, perhaps I shouldn't have said that, but I was pissed off with him.

"Anyway, where the hell do you get off telling me who I can go to bed with? If I want to have sex with an old lover and he wants it too, don't you think that we should be able to without interference from those who couldn't care less?"

"What do you mean, couldn't care less? Of course I care."

"You could have fooled me, Jack. The last couple of years all you've been interested in is watching Sam's back, or is that backside? Don't think I hadn't noticed Jack. Oh, and by the way, I saw the tape of the zaytarc incident. I will never forgive you for not telling me about that. I already knew, but you should have told me yourself. Teal'c was there, as was Janet. They knew. Don't you think I had the right to know that my teammates were more interested in each other than in the rest of us? How can I trust you to watch my back, Jack? Damn you, how many times have I died for you? What more do you want from me, Jack? I've already done the blood thing, do you want my soul too? You already had my heart."

I really shouldn't have said that last bit. Jack's face was a picture as his mouth dropped open. He closed it, then opened it again, and ended up looking like one of those fish he pretends to catch up in Minnesota. Before he could answer, I went storming back in and upstairs. Davy was waiting for me as I emerged onto my landing. He understood what I wanted, what I needed, and he was a good enough friend to give it to me.

We went into my room without a word, falling on each other with frantic kisses as the door shut. I had tears streaming down my face, but he had the good sense not to talk to me or to ask me what was wrong. Before I knew it, our clothes were off and we were desperately making up for all the lost years. He had paid a visit to the bar toilets before we went to bed and come up with some supplies. For the first time in years I was flat on my back with my legs around his waist as he pounded into me, not letting up, not making any concessions, because he knew that was what I wanted. I needed to be fucked, no questions asked, no worries about pain, I just needed someone I could trust to thrash into my body as hard and as fast as he could. And my Davy didn't let me down. He grabbed my prick and jerked me off as he thrust into me, and we both came quickly, my orgasm ripping out of my body with an intensity that I had missed for so long .

I cried afterwards, really sobbed, something I haven't done in a long time. I didn't really cry after Shau're died, I think the last time was when I was coming down from the sarcophagus addiction in the storeroom. Davy just held me and I fell asleep in his arms. It was great waking up the next morning, feeling his arms around me.

"Hello you."

"Ugh, hi Davy. Sorry for being such an idiot last night."

"No sweat, mate, you know I'm here for you, anytime. Did he upset you?"

There was no need to ask who he was.

"Yeah, but he didn't mean to. I just overreacted to something he said, that's all."

"He didn't hit you or anything did he?"

"Oh God no, he wouldn't. Look Dave, I know it might not seem it, but Jack's my best friend. We've just been going through a really rough patch recently, that's all. I think I screwed up last night though, it might be all over between us."

"You two been involved?"

"That's a laugh. No, I'm afraid Jack's terminally straight, there's never going to be anything between us."

"You're in love with him."

It wasn't a question, it was a statement, something he hadn't taken very long to work out.

"Yeah, more's the pity. I just about told him last night too."

"How did he take it?"

"Dunno. I left him before he could react."

"Oh Daniel, I have no idea what I am going to do with you."

"I've got a good one."

I rolled him onto his back and gently gave back what I had taken the night before. Our kisses were gentle and he rolled onto his stomach for me. I felt as if I had died and gone to heaven as I entered his tight body. We made love slowly and gently this time, more reminiscent of the good times we had had. It was so good to be with him again, we both knew that it was only temporary, but even knowing that, I felt safe in letting him love me, letting him make love with me. By the time it was over, we were running late for breakfast. Hurriedly, we got ready and headed down to the dining room. Ele, Wim and Jack were there, huddled together and talking seriously. As we approached, Davy caught hold of my hand, offering moral support as we faced the wrath of Jack. It seemed, though, that Jack wasn't playing that game and he said nothing about the previous night. We had a very civilised breakfast, Jack was really happy with it. He likes his cooked breakfasts and a British one suits him down to the ground. He especially liked the thicker bacon, crisply done, with the sausages and egg and bread, though he did raise concerns about the black pudding. I told him not to be a baby, eat it and see what he thought. When he decided he liked it, we all laughed and told him what it was made of - barley, pigs blood... he went white as a sheet as I tucked into my slices. *mwahaha!*

That day was spent much as the other, winding up the dig, recording, cleaning, Ele setting her records straight. At lunchtime, Jack suggested that we could go to a pub, a request that was met with bewilderment. We always went to a pub for lunch. What sort of question was that? He shrugged, we laughed and headed off to the nearest one. It was still good weather, so we sat outside, drinking decent beer (at last!) and eating sandwiches in the sun. Jack was very quiet so I plucked up my courage and asked him what was up.

"Look Danny, this is going to seem narrow-minded and ignorant but I have to know. I understand people being straight, 'cause I am. I see an attractive woman and I want her, end of story. I can sort of understand homosexuality, same thing only with the same instead of opposite sex. What I don't understand is you, you know, bisexuality. I mean, is there anyone you're not attracted to?"

I roared at that, only Jack could put such a deep question to which there is no easy answer, in such basic terms. I wanted to kiss him for it. Before I could answer, Ele spoke.

"Daniel would have you believe that it is a cry for attention. Missing out on parental concern, the moving around from home to home, that sort of thing. I know better though. He's a randy goat who can't get enough so he'll take it wherever he can get it from."

Jack fell about, I knew they'd get on well. I had to add a bit to that though, I couldn't leave it like that.

"Meja, I'll have you know I have had no consensual sex in over four years."

"DJ? What happened? Were you raped baby?" She flew across the table and scooped me up into her arms as she gently - and thankfully, quietly - asked me that. Aw, she goes really cute when she's worried.

"Sort of, long story, stoned out of my mind at the time. It's okay now. Anyway, as I was saying, I've been celibate."

"Till last night." A snigger from Davy got a hard stare from Jack. I had to deflect the attention.

"Jack, your question was reasonable. I don't think anyone is completely straight or gay, or at least most people aren't. Till I met David I thought I was straight. Then I changed my mind. The point is, unless you meet someone who sweeps you off your feet, you'll never know. You think you are straight, hell, to all intents and purposes you are straight, but one day, you may meet a guy that you fall for and everything you believed you were will have to be re-evaluated. I'm not saying it will happen, I'm saying it could happen and if you want to be happy, you should allow yourself the freedom. I know, by the way, your position makes it impossible at the moment, but I think your happiness is worth more than your pension."

"Do you mind if I ask if David's the only, er..."

"Boyfriend? No, I don't mind and no he isn't. I've had as many serious relationships with men as with women. three on each side so far. But one thing is for sure, given my recent history of non-serious relationships, I'm definitely off women, at least for the time being."

"Aw DJ, and I thought you and me had something special." Ele was teasing me again and it was all I could do to pull her into my arms and kiss her till she begged for oxygen.

"We do, Meja, we'll always have something special."

"Great, and I thought it was only me that you wanted."

Now it was David's turn to tease me. I'm not sure what Jack was thinking by now, he didn't really know us as a gang and didn't understand that we were always like this. Of course, I had to kiss David to reassure him too. Wim by this point was laughing his ass off and telling Jack that this proved Ele's point that I really am a randy goat. He's right, too, sitting here on my own all I can think about is how much I want Jack to come flying out of the stargate and into my arms. Hell, I'll put up with a cuddle at the moment, but I so want to fuck him into oblivion. Anyway, I digress, so back to the narrative.

Jack grabbed me and hauled me away from my ex-lovers and we went for a walk.

"Are you always like that, Danny?"

"Like what?"

"So fucking horny that you can't keep your hands off people. I mean, this genie you were talking about, is it going to get you into trouble?

"No more than normal, and as for being horny, I was messing about. Davy and Ele know me, they trust me and I trust them. We're friends, old friends, Jack, they could no more hurt me than, er... I could hurt them."

"You were going to say than I could hurt you weren't you?"

I nodded, couldn't say anything else.

"Damn Danny, I would never hurt you on purpose, you know that. You're my best friend, still are, despite everything that's happened over the last couple of weeks. I know I've hurt you over the last couple of years, that stupid thing with Carter and all. Don't get me wrong, I do love Sam, but the same way you do. It's a family thing. You two are my kids, you know that, I love you both."

That was probably the nicest thing that Jack has ever said to me. *aw*

"I'm sorry Jack, I'm sorry for what I said last night, I'm sorry for falling for you. I can't help my feelings, I never meant to tell you. I hope I haven't disgusted you."

He hugged me! In public! On the path by the river.

"NEVER! You listen to me good Dr. Jackson! You. Are. My. Best. Friend. I do love you, more than I should for a teammate. I'm so proud of you and what you've accomplished over the time that I have known you. And, I'm pleased that you have told me how you feel. I know what it's like to sit on a crush, you know."

"JACK! Dammit, this is not some sort of teenage crush. Give me some credit. I am thirty-six years old, I am a grown man, a widower, I have been deeply in love in the past. I know that what I am feeling is not something that is going to go away when I grow up. I have been in love with you for four years, Jack, really in love with you. Why do you think I got hit so hard when you turned your back on me?"

"Aw, Danny, I had no idea. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were some sort of teenager, that wasn't my intention. You are a grown man, I know that, I appreciate that. Hell, I've made things worse again haven't I?"

"Give me a hug and I'll forgive you." He did!

"Heh, heh. Is it going to be that easy? Hey! I can see this now, on a mission, the infamous Dr. J has one of his hissy fits and all I have to do is hug him and everything is okay again. Hell, it would be worth re-evaluating my entire outlook on life just for that!"

"Hissy fits? Moi? Never! Besides, I told you, no more missions for me, I'm strictly academic from now on. Besides, when I'm in a really bad mood it would take more than a hug from you, I think you may even have to kiss me and there's no way you'd do that."

At least he laughed at that.

"Daniel, please, I need you on my team. We're the number one outfit. You and me, we work together, we belong together, you know that. I'll be honest about this, and I'm holding you to keeping this between the two of us. You know how I feel about the others, don't you. You know that what I said about Sam and rather dying than leaving her is true, and that it applies to you and Teal'c too. You are my family and I love you all. But, if push came to shove, I could go on if Sam got promoted and got her own command, or she decided to do something else. I could manage, I wouldn't like it, but I could manage. Same with Teal'c. He's my buddy, my brother, but I could also go on without him if I had to. But then there's you, Danny, I can't go on without you. It's like you are my other half, my soul. If you go what am I going to do? How many people would I have killed if you hadn't stopped me? There's no way in hell Sam or Teal'c would have stopped me. You save me from myself, Danny and I need you to keep doing it. Come back to me, please."

"Oh God Jack, please don't make this any harder than it already is for me. You have no idea how much torture it has been for me, not being able to tell you how I feel. Now you know and there's nothing I can do about it. Just seeing you is hard on me. I won't be able to concentrate, I could get us both killed. Ele will take my place, she's a lot like me and she won't be afraid to tell you if she disagrees with you. You'll grow to love her, you know, you really will."

"Daniel, has it occurred to you that I don't want to get to know anyone else? I've got you, I'm used to you, you know me and my ways, I know you and yours. I don't care if you aren't the easiest person in the galaxy to deal with, I only care when you disobey orders because you might get hurt or killed, I need to have you around me. Damn it Daniel, I'd forgotten how to laugh until you came along, if you leave me now I won't be able to laugh anymore."

"Jack, I'll still be around, but not all the time, that's all. You're still my best friend, you always will be. And as for not being the easiest person in the galaxy to get on with, you should take a look in a mirror once in a while."

I got a joking punch on the shoulder for that one.



"Why me?"

"Why you what?"

"Why did you fall for me? I'm difficult, impatient with scientists, nine years older than you, battle-scarred. There's much better-looking guys at the SGC if you really have gone off women, some who would treat you a damn sight better than I have done over the years."

"Easy Jack. You say difficult, I see someone who has the depth of character to stand up for what he believes in. Sure, you and I disagree about tons of things, but I respect you for that and I don't want you to forget that. As for impatient, hell, you've improved a lot and I'm no better about military stuff so I say we're about equal there. Sure, you are nine years older than me and battle-scarred, but so am I, inside and out. The age difference is irrelevant, if I was a woman you wouldn't worry about it, would you? And as for better-looking guys, I hadn't noticed, I'll take you as you come thanks. To me, you are the sexiest guy at the SGC and I will accept no substitutes."

He blushed, that hard-assed bastard actually blushed!

"Are you flirting with me, Dr. Jackson?"

"Of course not, Colonel O'Neill. If I were flirting with you, you'd know it."

"Sure of yourself, aren't you?"


"Yep? What sort of word is that for a linguist."

"When dealing with you, an appropriate use of slang."

With a little more banter that had us giggling like a pair of teenagers, we returned to the gang and went back to the dig. That night, I slept with David again, but this time Jack didn't say a word and he was really nice about it. I think it helped that David is such a great guy with a terrific sense of humour. He and Jack worked hard helping out at the dig and I often heard them laughing together. Jack even started calling him by his nickname, Mog, which he got from his surname Morgan. It was a relief that they got on, and made our stay more pleasant. Not much else of note happened at the dig so the next bit is about when we got back to Oxford, or rather the tiny village not far from there. Jack was blown away by the scenery at the dig site, but he wasn't prepared for how pretty the village was. It's one of those chocolate box English villages with thatched-roof cottages and climbing roses around the doorframes. Ele has a gardener who is an expert in flower gardens and when we got there Jack was full of 'wows' as he looked around the beautiful sight. He was really impressed.

"You actually lived here?" he asked me.

"Yes, for three years. It was worth the commute into town. It can be hard in the winter, especially if you get a heavy snowfall, but for the rest of the year it's perfect. I loved the peace and quiet. It's not on a main route so the only traffic that comes here is stuff that belongs, no through traffic. It suited me down to the ground. I still think of this place as home, even more than Abydos or Cairo. I guess it's because I never had a bad day in all the time I was here. Not true, one bad day, and that was the day I left. If I hadn't had such a tempting offer to work under Dr. Jordan, I would never have left. I think I could have swallowed my pride and taught standard theory just to stay here. You've got to realise this Jack, if Hammond hadn't given me the go-ahead, I would have come back here to live. That was the choice I gave him."

"Daniel, has anyone ever told you that you are a cold-hearted, manipulative bastard? I'm so proud."

"Thanks. Loads of people. Took you long enough to realise it." He sniggered and ruffled my hair for that one. Git.

The next few days were spent helping Ele and Wim organise their move to the US. They decided to keep the house but rent it out fully furnished, so there were trips to solicitors and estate agents (translation for Jack, lawyers and realtors). Their visas and green cards were already sorted, courtesy of the Pentagon, which caused a raised eyebrow from Wim and a snigger from Ele. They are like me in their disdain for all things military. Well, again, not quite true, after all some of my best friends are flyboys (and girls), especially a cute and sexy USAF Colonel with a tight ass and penchant for leather jackets and sunglasses. *Sigh*.

David had to return to his place and job so we said goodbye up at the hotel. Jack was actually sorry to see him go that morning and spent a while hugging me as I got sniffy after he had gone. I think he enjoys the hugging stuff. I do, but only if it's someone that I trust.

There aren't many people that I like to touch me, not sure why, I think it's because I didn't get much hugging as a kid, from family or foster families. Jack can do what he likes, Sam too. Teal'c rarely touches anyone, but I don't mind if he puts his hand on me. Heck, if he wanted a hug I think I'd be thrilled to bits, but it's not his style. Hammond only ever places a hand on my shoulder whereas Janet and Cassie hug the life out of me. I'm used to that now and really enjoy it. Apart from them, only Wim, Ele and Davy (on Earth anyway) are allowed that close to me. Kasuf is not particularly huggy, but Skarra is and as he's my little brother he can hug me to death. But of all of those people, it has always been with Jack that I would relax the quickest. Even before I fell in love with him and we were 'just friends' I was completely relaxed and happy with him. Don't know why, I just was.

I've never seen Jack so in his element. I think that he could retire there. I hope he does, as long as he includes me in his plans. Of course, that would depend a lot on him suddenly deciding that he wasn't as straight as he thought he was and also the minor task of finding me halfway across the galaxy. Hey ho, the course of true love never did run smooth.

Once all the arrangements had been made and personal belongings packed and shipped to the USAF base in Suffolk to be flown to the Springs, we headed back to Heathrow and the four of us flew to Colorado. Okay, so I've missed out something big, but I'm not sure that Jack would ever want to be reminded of it.

It was our last morning and Jack had come into Ele's room which I was sharing with her. We'd often shared a bed (without anything happening) and as they only had a single bed spare and the option was sleeping with Jack in a single (tempting but uncomfortable), Wim in a double (slightly less tempting as he snores even louder than Jack, though he is drop-dead gorgeous), or snuggling up with a sexy, sensual, curvaceous woman - there was no contest. I'm digressing again, putting off writing about my biggest mistake, or so I thought.

He came in, looking particularly sexy in his faded blue jeans (which hug his ass so nicely), tight white T-shirt and black leather jacket and shades. We were due to leave in about thirty minutes and he had come into remind me.

"You do it on purpose, don't you?" I asked him, annoyed that he would dress like that when I couldn't have him.


"Dress like that, looking so fucking gorgeous. Are you trying to take the piss or what?"

"Take the piss? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Never mind!"

"I mind! What does it mean?"

"It's like teasing but more vicious."


"No what?"

"No, I'm not taking the piss."

"Good. Oh, er Jack, I'm going to do something now and I'm relying on the famous O'Neill restraint (?!) for you not to hit me."

He said nothing, well he couldn't, because I pinned him to the wall and kissed him like he had never been kissed before. I eventually allowed him to surface for air, but only because I dropped to my knees, unzipped him and went down on him before he could object. Normally, I'd never do something like that against my 'victim's' wishes, but I knew I'd never get another chance. I sucked and licked his prick and used every trick I had ever learned short of sticking my finger up his ass (didn't think I'd get away with that). He didn't seem to be objecting though, he was as hard as nails and the only sound that came from his mouth was a whimper, followed by a moan and then a "fucking hell Danny!" as he came like a train in my mouth. Before he could recover I went in for the kill, so to speak and kissed him again as I did his flies up for him. In all the years I have known him, this was the first time I have ever seen Jack O'Neill completely speechless, or rather, incapable of speech. He tried though.

"Wh, wh, wha, whawstha?"

"Blow job."

"Knotha, wh, wh, why?"

"I'll never get another chance and I wanted to show you what you are missing. Do you hate me?"


"Was it good?"


"Ever had better?" Okay, I was probably pushing it now, but I was on a roll.

"Nnnno." He finally regained the power of speech. "Daniel, that was fucking incredible. I know you can speak in many tongues but that's ridiculous. Where the fuck did you learn that? No, don't answer that, I really don't want to know."

"We can't do that again." *sigh*

"We can't?"

"No Jack. We can't. You don't love me like that and I can't enter into a relationship with you if you don't. Colour me romantic or sensitive, but that's the way I am. I can't do casual anymore. This was a one-off, something for me to store in my memories and something for you to remember me by."

"Danny? Are you going somewhere?"

"Yes. I told you, I'm leaving SG-1. I know we won't see as much of each other as we would want in future, so I didn't want you to forget me."

"I'm getting you back on the team, Danny Boy, you'll see."

"No Jack, I told you, it's too hard on me now. Please let me go."

He grabbed me and kissed me back, surprising me too.

"To remember me by."

Damn him, he nearly made me cry. If it hadn't been for Ele's shout that we would be leaving soon I think I would have. We hugged hard, so hard I ended up with a couple of bruises on my ribs.

Ele and Wim's introduction to the SGC went smoother than Jack had expected. Very little ever fazes those two and they accepted my explanation about the stargate without question, at least in public. In my office a little later, we settled down to chat in our usual mishmash of languages as they asked for clarification of certain things. Wim was really excited about the possibility of meeting the Asgard and the descendants of Norse societies. He was positively orgasmic at the news that Jack and Thor were pals. Ele laughed with delight as he expounded on his theories and he was bristling with happiness as he realised that he would have the chance to see how right or wrong he was.

I told Ele about life on SG-1 and then I took them to meet Sam and Teal'c. I had told both of them before we went to the UK about leaving and neither of them was happy with my decision. All I could do was apologise, because there was no way in hell I could tell them the real reason why I was leaving. They politely met my friends, but there was no warmth from them. I was hurt that they would treat them like that and I admit to having a snit about it. When I saw Sam and Teal'c later on their own I told them in no uncertain terms that I was unhappy with the way Ele and Wim had been greeted. Teal'c had the good grace to apologise and he went and hunted them down to be a bit more friendly (well as friendly as he ever gets).

Sam on the other hand...

"Dammit Daniel I don't want you to leave. And don't give me that crap about wanting to do archaeology full-time, I don't believe it."

"It's true, Sam, believe it or not. I'm fed up of fighting and I'm leaving. All I ask is you give my friends a chance Sam, please."

"Why should I?"

"Because they are my friends and I thought that you were my friend Sam. God, I think of you as a sister, but you obviously don't think the same of me. I'm sorry Sam, truly sorry. Goodbye, baby."

I'm ashamed to say I walked out on her and didn't give her the chance to reply. That baby thing is an old joke between us, one which nobody else ever gets to hear on pain of death. I shouldn't have said it then.

She came to see me in my office later and apologised to me, I apologised to her and we ended up hugging and kissing and crying.

"I'm sorry Sam, I just can't go on the way things are. I can't explain any more than I have so please don't ask me to."

"It's got something to do with Dan and Jon, hasn't it?"

"Sam, I told you not to ask."

"Oh Daniel, baby, are you in love with Jack?"


"Oh God, you are. Daniel, I didn't know you were gay. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm bi," I remember thinking 'here I go again', "and I couldn't tell you, baby. Please don't go into this, just accept that I can't work on SG-1 anymore."

There were more hugs and kisses and tears and finally we were okay. Sam went to meet Ele again and they broke the ice at least. I had to go on a couple of missions with SG-1, taking Ele with to train her. Wim was left back at the base because he was now going to be deputy-heading the archaeology department leaving me free to take teams off-world for prolonged digs. The department was buzzing with excitement. There was a bit of bad feeling that two foreigners had come in and taken the two most coveted places, but when it was pointed out that Wim would have tons of admin. to do and Ele would have to deal with Jack, everyone graciously gave in and happily left them to their new posts. Of course, Wim being a professor rather than 'plain old doctor' added an air of gravitas too.

Ele got really excited about going off-world for the first time and kept forgetting to speak in plain English, amusing the staff but annoying the hell out of Jack. He managed to surprise her when she let rip in Latin, one of her favourite languages in which to curse. I'm not sure what had happened, but they came back from the range where she was getting signed off on using a hand gun - I think she wanted to use a P-90. Anyway, Jack had managed to piss her off and she was calling him all the bastards under the sun, not knowing that Jack could not only understand every word she was saying but was able to give as good as he could get. He just turned around and said, "Ele, I don't know where you learned to swear like that, but around here, we like to be a bit more civilised," - in Latin!- and walked off, leaving her stood there open-mouthed and me rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. If looks could kill then the one I got from her would have cut me into a thousand pieces - slowly. I had to do some serious kissing up to her before she forgave me for not telling her he could speak Latin. She now swears in Russian, her second favourite one and the one that pisses off more of the paranoid military element than the Latin did. I mean, how tactless can someone get? *snigger*.

The first mission was a howling success, quite literally. She and Jack were at each other's throats from the word go. They had got on so well back home, but working together was going to be interesting, I could tell. He wanted to go one way, she and I wanted to check out something that looked like an abandoned building in the opposite direction. He yelled, she yelled back. In the end, I stood in-between them and flirted with them both. I've now discovered a new way of making Jack back down quicker than if he was confronted by an army of naked Jaffa. I look at his flies and lick my lips. He just whimpers and gives me what I want. *smirk*

I really should stop doing that ** business, it looks really juvenile *heh heh*. Aarrgghh!

As for Ele, I know how to tame her, I just wrap my arms around her waist and nibble her right ear lobe. Not her left one, it doesn't work.

So we went to visit the building and it turned out to be some sort of Goa'uld armoury. Yes! One over the flyboy. His little eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw what was there. It was stacked to the roof with weapons. He actually picked Ele up and swung her around before grabbing hold of me and adding to my bruised ribs. Got to love that guy.

We needed to get a message back to the SGC to get reinforcements asap to collect the stuff just in case the Goa'uld who had built it remembered it was there and turned up. Ele remained with Sam and Teal'c so that they could read the inscriptions on the doors and hopefully avoid any nasty surprises. She had managed to learn how to read Goa'uld in a week - thereby impressing the hell out of the linguistics staff and making her name as a smartass. Jack and I took off at a run to the gate which was about a mile away. Nobody on SG-1 can run as fast as me, apart from Ele, and that is because we trained together at uni. Jack however was doing his best to keep up, but he couldn't speak when we reached the gate because of lack of oxygen. I managed to put together a coherent message which got MALPed through and Hammond shot off to round up as many men as he could in as short a space of time as possible. He told us to wait by the gate and we'd have reinforcements in half an hour.

Jack and I sat on a rock nearby and watched and waited.

"Just as well I know how to persuade you to my way of thinking," I opened.

"What do you mean?"

I just looked at his fly and licked my lips. He groaned and muttered, "bastard." Then he grinned.

"I'm never going to forget you know."

"Good. Me neither. Want a reminder?"


I kissed him again. Damn, I said I wouldn't do that and I did it. As the beloved Oscar said, 'I can resist everything except temptation'. Well, if I was going to ever persuade him to 'be mine' I was going to have to work hard at it. This guy is so straight you could use him as a ruler.


"Oh yeah," and he leaned in to return the kiss so that I could have a reminder too. If we could've been sure about the timing, I think I'd have broken my word and gone for a repeat performance. It makes me think that Jack isn't as straight as he'd like me to believe.

The stuff we took back to the SGC was an absolute gold mine. There were staff weapons, zats, taks, shock grenades and God knows what else. A few samples of each item were sent to Area 51 keeping the NID happy L but the rest stayed with us for use in the field. NID were not completely happy, but as I was able to point out to their representative at the debriefing, we were supposed to be finding technology to defeat the Goa'uld. How in hell's name would it defeat the Goa'uld if it wasn't used in the field? I think I got in Hammond's good books for that one.

The next training run was uneventful and I was glad. My last one as a member of SG-1 wasn't going to be my last one - period. The only infirmary visit was routine and we were out of there quickly and straight off to Jack's for a major party.

I don't remember the party. I was completely and utterly shitfaced. There have been rumours of pot, a Hoover Dam's worth of Scotch and an obscure reference to a tango and a lettuce leaf (Huh?). The only thing I know for a fact is that I woke up in the bath, naked, with a furred tongue and a pounding head and with an extremely hung over Jack hurling into the toilet in front of me. I was very nearly in need of a visit to the infirmary for a post party check-up.

"Morning Daniel - *hurl*. God you look awful - *bleuch*. Great party - *ruth*. Enjoy it? - *huey*."

Someone should tell Jack he shouldn't talk while throwing up, it's not polite.

I waited until he had finished before trying to get out of the bath, failing miserably and needing his help. God, it was so embarrassing. As soon as he got me up, my stomach rebelled and the next thing I knew I was face down in the toilet, still stark bollock naked, with Jack leaning over me and stroking my back. How in fuck's name did I manage to get a hard-on while chucking up a large quantity of alcohol and party food?

"I see you are pleased to see me."

"Fuck off Jack."

Was that lettuce I saw in the bowl?

He at least had the decency to find me some clothes before Sam and the others discovered me.

A few days later and I got my reward. Almost the entire archaeology department and a sufficient number of very patient soldiers, airmen and marines (all volunteers) headed out to a site that looked promising. We had been promised a month of digging. Paradise!

A week later and the plug was pulled, and that is how I ended up here. I was pissed, so pissed that I said nothing as the order to return came through. I just relayed the order, wouldn't take any crap and sent everyone back through the wormhole. I was bringing up the rear (as the team leader), with the message that I would send the MALP and FREDs through before coming through myself. Just as well I am the cold-hearted, manipulative bastard that Jack thinks I am. I figured that something like this would happen, so I came prepared. I had sorted out all my affairs before leaving, persuaded Sam to develop a photosensitive battery charger for my laptop, filled a FRED with coffee, chocolate, MREs and notebooks and pens, just in case. I had the excuse that we were supposed to be away for a month if it had all been discovered. They all know about my caffeine habit and chocolate addiction. The last man went through the gate, I gave him time to arrive, shut it down and dialled up an address that I had memorised beforehand. I sent the equipment through and followed it.

My destination was an uninhabited planet not on the Abydos cartouche. It was one with plenty of natural resources for living, but none to make it worthwhile investigating by human or Goa'uld. The plan was to use that as my home base. I unloaded the FREDs as soon as I had arrived at the first site and sent them back via another gate. All of the supplies are hidden from sight of the gate, just in case I get any unwelcome visitors. I have a good camp there, it's a bit lonely, but it's in a pretty spot with pollen-less flowers and a clean and permanent water supply. Before leaving the SGC, I had downloaded all the addresses that weren't on the Abydos cartouche. So, for the last few months, I have been following a pattern that the others could figure out if they wanted to find me, and investigating them. Some I have been to and know aren't worth a revisit, but I go there anyway. What I do is send the MALP through, and using another little device that I suggested would be worth Sam inventing, I check it out remotely using my permanently charged laptop *heh heh*. Told 'em that I was calculating. If it is free of any problems near the gate, I go through. Once I have completed my investigation, I send back a report to the SGC in a code that Ele and Wim can understand, which we had devised for fun years ago - thereby ensuring their usefulness and protecting them as long as I can. I do this to say thank you to Hammond as well, because I had some really good times at the SGC. I'm just pissed off with the way I was treated over the last couple of years, mainly by the NID. I miss Jack.

Oh shit, the gate's activated. I'll switch on the MALP and see who's coming. Oh my God! It's Jack and he's on his own.

He's sleeping now, lying next to me as I write what will probably be my final entry in this field journal. It turns out that Ele twigged the pattern a while back but it took them a couple of weeks to believe that she was right. Jack says he believed her from the start and made himself a royal pain in the mik'ta before Hammond gave the go-ahead to find me. He also said that he had insisted on coming on his own because he didn't believe that anyone else would be able to persuade me to come home. He's right, no one else could have. Hammond told him to either bring me home or don't come back.

He missed me, came right out and said that he missed me so much it hurt. Then he kissed me - boy can he kiss - and told me that I was right and that we should be together and that he had figured out a way for us to do that, but that I'd have to wait until I got home to find out what it was. Then he kissed me again and started to undress me. I think he liked what he saw the morning after the party. Of course, I wasn't playing innocent bystander in this and I was kissing him back and undressing him too. Oh God, he is so fucking gorgeous when he is naked. Next thing I knew I was lying on the floor with a naked colonel lying on top of me. We didn't get passed the bump and grind variety of sex - that time. He shot like a rocket when I bit his neck with me as the second stage booster a few seconds later. WOW.

We didn't stop there though and kept kissing and touching each other as if we couldn't believe what was happening. It's probably because we couldn't. I haven't spoken to anyone in four months and I think that Jack had nearly given up hope of ever finding me. He told me he loves me in the same way that I love him. Yee Haa! I said I was a touch sceptical that this was just a ploy to get me back and he was very hurt by that. I made it up to him by going down on him again. Oh boy, I LOVE doing that to him. His voice rises by a couple of octaves, and because there was no one around to hear us we were both getting very loud. This time I did give him the works. I had found my sunblock before starting and surreptitiously greased my fingers. As he was getting very worked up - well my tongue was doing stuff that he never believed it would - I pushed my finger up his ass and quickly found the thing I was looking for.


Never knew Jack was so religious.

After he had come back down from the high that I had deliberately sent him to I answered his question.

"G - spot, happy button, prostate gland, whatever you want to call it, Jack. You like?"

Dumb nod.

"You want it again?"

"Later," he wheezed.

When he finally got his breath back,

"Um, Danny, why the fuck do you ever go for women if a guy does that for you?"

"Who says I can't get a girl to do it?"

"You are a dog, Daniel, a fucking horny dog."


We lay back and talked for a while. My apartment has gone, the landlord didn't like it being empty for so long. Jack said my stuff is at his house and my journals are safe where no one can find them. He didn't want the NID reading my personal stuff, especially the last lot methinks. He told me not to worry, that everything was being organised for my return. Hammond has apparently covered for me, saying that I was doing all this on his orders because an individual can often get further than an obvious crowd. All the notes that I sent back have been translated by Ele and Wim and are being put to good use. If I hadn't done that, I don't think that Hammond would have been able to do what he did. You've got to love that guy.

Jack loves my hair. I can't get over this. He nagged and nagged me to get it cut, but now it's shoulder-length again (my hair grows really fast) and blond he's running his fingers through it and telling me it's got to stay. Some people are never satisfied. Mind, he never used to kiss my entire body and call me baby before either.

I'm feeling horny again, I'll finish this later.

We're back home, at Jack's place and I'm in shock. To cover for me moving in with him, which is what he wanted me to do, he asked for volunteers to help redecorate his guest room as my bedroom. A number of the guys, including the usual suspects, turned up and they decorated it similarly to my bedroom in the apartment. It's really peaceful and my bed is the centrepiece. Jack apparently kept making lewd remarks about the size of my bed and wondering who was going to be the first to be brought into the room to christen it in its new place of honour. The usual suspects have their suspicions I'm sure.

What got me the most though was the fact that he turned his den over to me and made it my study. Sam and Janet chose the décor, and some of the techs built me shelves for my books. Siler came down and rearranged the lighting so that it is perfect for reading. There's my couch in there so I can lounge with a book, as well as my desk and my pc. I can't believe that they all went to so much trouble for me. It's beautiful. I'm also ashamed that I shed a few tears when I saw it.

"Oh God, you guys, it's fucking fantastic. Thank you."

"Language, Daniel, or I'll have to wash your fucking mouth out with soap." Oh how I love my genteel colonel.

Another party to end all parties last night. As Teal'c doesn't drink he ended up designated driver and took Sam and Janet home (lucky bastard), but Ele and Wim stayed over. This time I woke up with the same problems; i.e. fuzzy mouth, bad head, naked, but this time in my bed with an equally naked USAF colonel artistically draped over me. I think I can live with this. The others shared his bed and are apparently not in the slightest bit surprised at this latest turn of events. Ele confided that Jack had been a real grouch for the last four months, not sleeping well, hardly touching his food, biting everyone's head off. It was only when she realised the pattern that I had set did he pick-up and start eating again. I can see he's lost weight, so have I as a matter of fact. I think that I'll cook for him tonight. Uh oh, shouldn't have thought about food.

That's better, at least I have nothing more inside me that can be thrown up. Fortunately there were no mentions of lettuce or tangos, so I think I behaved. At the party at least, my butt is sore. Damn, the full Monty and I don't remember it. I really must stop getting so pissed.

Jack woke up with a goofy grin and a hard-on that could be used for hammering in masonry nails. Heh heh, made the most of it. Remember it this time *smirk*.

We've got one more day off then back to work. Ele is complaining that working with Jack is a pain in the neck, I think she's trying to give me a graceful way to get back on the team. I missed them all so much. Jack's not saying anything, I think he's trying not to drive me away again. I'm going to have to work hard at reassuring him that he's stuck with me for ever.

Sam and Teal'c came over in the afternoon, Ele and Wim had gone home in the morning. We told them about us and asked them if they had a problem with it. This was a very nerve-wracking time. Sam knew about me, but she didn't know what had happened between us. As for Teal'c...

"Daniel Jackson, O'Neill, would you act any differently on a mission than you have done in the past?"

"No, we have both agreed that as soon as we step out of the door we revert to being the same way as before. It won't be easy but we will manage. I don't feel any differently for Jack than I have done for years. I don't think I have ever let the two of you down before because of it, have I?"

"Teal'c, you and Sam are still my closest friends and I promise that your safety is every bit as important to me as before. I dare say that there will be some days that Danny and I will have a few difficulties, but under fire I will watch your back and not his backside." Ouch, he remembers that accusation back at the hotel. Serious sucking up time coming up later I can see *like I care!*

Sam just gave him a hug and then came to me and tearily told me that she wanted me back on the team no matter the circumstances and that she was happy for us. Jack shifted uncomfortably as we hugged and kissed each other. I whispered "I missed you too, baby," making her blush a bit and giggle. She promised to keep our secret and I have no doubt that this will happen.

Okay, so this really is the last entry, I think that after today I need to start another journal. I officially rejoined SG-1 at General Hammond's personal request. Ele has joined SG-8 and is settling in very nicely. It's another weird-ass group, with an Air Force colonel, a Marine major, an Army sergeant who's an engineering genius and Ele. The colonel is a bit friendlier than Jack towards scientists, but not much, and I can see loads of arguments there. Ele and the sergeant (Simon Wilson, a good guy) get on really well and I think I may have to let him in on the secret of how to tame her. He's definitely interested in her, and I think she is in him, but he'll have to realise that even though Wim is not her boyfriend, they are joined at the hip and come as a package deal. A bit like Jack and me. We had a briefing and we are shipping out tomorrow. Hammond knows about us, not officially of course, I think that Jack got drunk and teary at his house while I was away. He dismissed Sam and Teal'c and asked us to stay. I was a little bit nervous at that, but he is one of the best so I needn't have worried.

"I have just one thing to say to you two. Any holding hands and picking flowers will be met with extreme derision. Do I make myself clear?"

After I had picked myself up off the floor from the shock and Jack had got his breath back we agreed never to do that. Mind, the look on Jack's face as we headed back to our offices says we'll be coming back with a bunch of wild flowers for the General tomorrow.