or 'how the duck got its waddle'
Summary: A warped plot, a stranger story, and the weirdest way of telling it I've ever done. The usual grovelling thanks to my dear beta, Joy, especially as without her, this wouldn't have been written. Especially certain bits as you will see.
"Okay, tell me this, Jack. Just how with your super senses and all did you not see this coming?"
"Daniel, it was a trap."
"No, Daniel, a trap. A T.R.A.P. trap. As in; it was hidden, beyond my ability to see it. It didn't smell of anything, it didn't feel different, it didn't make a sound, and I'm not eating dirt just to satisfy you."
"You want conversation?"
"Probably not, no. Seein' as your idea of conversation at the moment is to blame me for our temporary state."
"Sure. Teal'c and Carter aren't with us. We can safely assume that they're home now. They were in front of us when we were captured."
"Jeez, listen to you. Mr. Glass-is-half-empty."
"Jack, you and I are currently held in different cells, admittedly we can see each other but we can't even touch each other. If you blank on me I'm going to have difficulty in bringing you out of it. To cap it all, we haven't seen hide nor hair of our captors in at least twelve hours. I'm hungry, tired, and not a little worried that Sam and Teal'c may not have made it home. So cut me some slack, will you?"
Jack sighs, moves his stiff legs and groans a little, then looks around him for the 99th time that hour for a way out. With yet another sigh, he says,
"Well, it's not my fault. Blame her."
"Yeah, you know, DM. The one that gets us into these situations."
DM: Did you two want a follow-up story or not?
JO'N: Well, yeah. I was kind of hoping to have a 'fishing' story. You know, me, him, Jim and Blair, up in the cabin in Minnesota...
DM: Fishing? In the pond? After what Teal'c told me, I don't believe there are any fish there. Besides, last time you went there the only thing you caught was a cold.
DJ: *Snigger*. Eh hem, DM?
DM: Yes, petal?
DJ: What have you got planned for us?
DM: Wait and see. It'll be fine though.
DM: For you? Of course. You know I'm not into Dannywhumping.
DJ: Unlike some I could mention.
DM: Hey, I'm a nice person.
JO'N: Hah! If you're so nice, how come I keep ending up getting 'whumped'?
DM: You call being given enhanced senses whumped? I thought I was being nice.
JO'N: Maybe, that's not so bad, I guess.
DM: You got Daniel out of it, too.
JO'N: True, that was good. But you're not usually as nice to me as you are to Daniel.
DM: You got Daniel, Daniel got you. I'd say that you got the best end of that bargain.
JO'N: Daniel, shut up. Anyway, you're always going on about his good looks, beautiful eyes, wonderful build... need I say more?
DM: Look, you want someone to drool over you, go talk to Catspaw, okay?
DJ: DM? What's going on? Did Sam and Teal'c make it back?
DM: Honey, I don't do death fics. Read on...
"So, Major Carter, can you tell us what happened, please?"
"Of course, General. The four of us were walking back to the gate. We, I mean Teal'c and I, were ahead of the others..."
"What were they doing, Major?"
"Oh, you know, the usual. Chatting, bickering... nothing to worry about."
"I see. What happened then?"
"Well, that's what we don't know. They just disappeared."
"We don't know, General. One minute they were disagreeing about what they were going to watch on the television when they got home and the next moment there was silence. Teal'c and I turned around and they weren't there. There was no sign of them. Their tracks just vanished into thin air. Teal'c couldn't follow them, so we came home."
"Of course, you did the right thing. So, how are we going to find them?"
"That, Sir, is something I don't know."
DM: Sam, hey, Sam.
SC: DM? Hi there. What's up?
DM: You need a tracker.
SC: But there are no tracks.
DM: So? You need a special sort of tracker. You know, like Jack.
SC: Huh? Oh! I get it.
"General! We need Daniel's friends for this. Detectives Ellison and Sandburg. If anyone can find them, they will."
"Of course, good thinking, Major."
"I was inspired, Sir.
DM: That's better.
"Oh God, Jim, please. More, babe. YES! Just there."
"You like that? You've got it."
"Love you too, Chief. God this feels good. You feel good. So fucking hot."
"You too. Punch it!"
"Oh jeez I'm coming."
"Wow. Sticky but wow."
"Yeah. Hmm. You are amazing. I've never done it in that position before."
"Me neither. See, told you all that reading would come in handy."
"Smart as well as stunning."
"Just as well you're flexible, babe."
"God I love you."
"I love you too."
DM: Have you two finished, or should I just go ahead and vomit?
JE & BS: Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!!
DM: Oh for f..
JE: Hey! What the hell are you doing here? Are you some sort of pervert?
DM: I'm a slash writer. I get off on two guys at it. What the hell do you think?
BS: Jim, man, don't piss her off or we'll find ourselves in a worse situation than last time.
JE: I guess. So, what do you want?
DM: Just come to give you advanced warning, actually. Jack and Daniel are in trouble. Again.
JE: And whose fault is that?
DM: Why does everyone blame me?
BS: Because you write the stories?
DM: Great. Just because I'm doing my bit to increase your fame and get more people into your story so that the televisual powers that be will finally hear enough and get off their asses and show your programme over here, you're blaming me. Okay, I'll just go, shall I?
BS: I'm sorry. Please. Tell us what's up, DM.
DM: Huh. Not sure I want to now.
BS: Please? For me?
DM: Oh okay, for you. But it's under sufferance. They've disappeared off the face of the Earth. Well, that's not true. They've disappeared off the face of PR1 KK5. One second they were there, the next... poof!
BS: Hey! Watch your turn of phrase, please.
DM: *snigger*. Sorry. Anyway, their tracks stopped and even Teal'c couldn't find them. They need you, Jim.
JE: When are we going to get the call?
DM: Oh, I'd say right about...
"Our kits are in-between us, Jack. If we could only reach one of them. I mean, our cells are about, what, six, seven feet apart? The kits are halfway. Just out of reach. There must be something we can do to hook one of them?"
"Daniel, we've been trying for ages."
"I know, I know. Have another look around your cell to see if there's something you can use. More to the point, have a look around mine, Jack. It's too dark for me to see. Try to focus in the shadows."
"Daniel. You know what will happen if I focus and you're not with me."
"Blair said you should try to concentrate on two things at once. Stroke something so your touch sense is working as well. You won't blank then."
"Your leg? The cell bars?"
"Oh. Of course."
"Jack. Much as I wouldn't mind in a bedroom setting, I'm not going to be encouraging you to jerk off here. Come on, look."
"Okay, okay. It's not easy you know."
"I know, hun. So, anything?"
"Give me a chance, will you?"
"Sorry. Hey, DM, do you know if there's anything here?"
DM: Sorry, love, my eyesight's worse than yours. Let's wait and see if Superman can find something.
DJ: *snigger* Okay.
"Aw crap, there's nothing. Sorry, Daniel. We're just going to have to wait.
DM: How about your belts?
DM: You know, take your belts off, hold onto the end without the buckle, then try snagging the straps of the bags by throwing the buckled ends out. You only have to pull the bags in a few inches, just till your fingers can catch them.
DJ: You're a genius!
DM: Only if it works. It's besides the point though; I've got an IQ of 160+ and I write fan fiction to pass the time.
DJ: For which we're grateful. At least you didn't turn me into a floaty alien and you give me lines.
DM: Yeah, well, much as you make a much prettier wallpaper than what's on my bedroom wall, I'd rather listen to you.
JO'N: This is all well and good, and if we can just forget the mutual appreciation society thing for a moment, tell me why you're helping out?
DM: I'm feeling sorry for you. You need to eat and keep your strength up or you won't be much use later.
JO'N: You're all heart.
DM: Cut the sarcasm and get on with it, will you?
"Ya know, I think she gets off on watching us go through things like this."
"Ixnay eethay atchay."
"She's a Brit, they don't use that."
DM: True, but Joy, my Beta's one of you.
JOY: What's there to beta? The IQ thing ring a bell, anyone? Sheesh!
"Nice one, Danny. Hang on... yeah, got mine too. Pull it close..and..in my grasp. Great. We can eat."
DJ: DM? How's the rescue effort going? I mean, there is one, isn't there?
DM: Of course, sweetie. And they'll be here. Soonish.
DM: They've got to find you, haven't they?
JO'N: Oh. Of course. I take it we just wait then?
DM: Unless you've got some C4 in your packs?
JO'N: Nah - they took all the weaponry. Damn. We just wait then. I can wait. I'm known for my infinite patience.
DM & DJ: Huh?
JOY: Ancay the apcray.
"Detectives, welcome to the SGC again. Are you well?"
"Yes, General, thank you."
"Stereo replies, eh? I like to see a team that works well together. I take it you were briefed?"
"Major Carter told us that Jim's tracking abilities would be needed, General. How quickly can we get out there?"
"As soon as you're ready, son. Major Carter will take you to kit up and she and Teal'c will accompany you to the planet. We can't let you out there on your own."
"No, of course. We'll be glad of the company. How are we getting there? Is Thor around?"
"No, Detective Ellison, we'll be using the stargate."
"Oh yes, Daniel said something about that. How does it work?"
"We don't have time to explain it, but suffice it to say, it's all very clever."
DM: Psst, Sam, you're not going to tell them?
SC: Considering nobody's ever figured out precisely how it works, no. Besides, I've noticed that people have a tendency to glaze over when I tell them what we do know.
DM: Yeah, well, wormhole physics isn't for everyone, I guess. But if you ever figure it out, call me. I'd like to know.
SC: You would? Really?
DM: Sure! Not saying I'd understand it, but hey, I'm a sponge, I like to know stuff.
SC: Great! I will. Anything I can help out on, by the way, just holler.
DM: Thanks! Actually, I'm working on a novel, not fan fiction. Do you know anything about the tunnelling effect?
SC: You mean..
"Major Carter, are you with us?"
"Yes, Sir. I'll take them to the gear up room now."
"Whose uniform is this?"
"Oh, nobody's. We have various sizes in stock."
"Just as well, he's not your average-sized grunt."
"Neither are you, Jim. Remember what Daniel said about you guys being the freaks?"
"Eh hem. Yes. Not a nice turn of phrase."
"You weren't being nice to me at the time."
"You'd just kicked me in the nuts!"
"That's it, Sam, yuck it up. It hurt!"
The door to the gear up room opens and Teal'c comes in.
"Major Carter. Detectives. Are you ready to go?"
"Just about, Teal'c. I hope that the guys are all right."
"I am sure that they will be. They are most resourceful."
"Boring. This is boring. I'm bored, bored, bored. Did I tell you I'm bored, Daniel?"
"You're bored? Never! I wouldn't have guessed. Thank you for enlightening me."
"You're welcome. Hey, DM. How's the rescue coming?"
DM: Oh, fine. They should be coming through the wormhole any minute now.
JO'N: Which will only be of any use if we're on the same planet that we were on before.
DM: You are. Trust me. I don't want this fic to last any longer than is strictly necessary.
JO'N: So, when will they be coming?
DM: Don't ask me, I only write the story as it happens. It's up to them how long it takes, isn't it?
DM: What was that?
JO'N: Oh, nothing.
DM: Hmm. Just be grateful I haven't written in lots of spiders in your cells.
JO'N: Hey, I'm not afraid of spiders!
DM: Not now, you're not. But after...
DJ: DM! Please. You know I'm not keen on them.
DM: Me either, hun, but it's keeping him quiet.
DJ: Thanks. So, the people on this planet, where are they?
DM: Them? Oh, around here somewhere...
The door outside the cells opens, creaking like one from a really bad horror movie. A shadow appears through the doorway, not much of one, it's dark in there. A clomping noise accompanies the movements of the shadow. *Thud* *step* *thud*. Jack and Daniel retreat to the backs of their cells, wondering just what horror awaits them.
"Oh, so there you are," comes a voice. "Here, let me put this thing down, it's heavy. Do you want something to eat? A change of clothes, maybe? Here, I've brought you a bath. Come on, come on, over to the bars and let me get a good look at you. Well, aren't you the handsome one? I love a man with grey hair. And you, sugar, just *squeeeeeeeeaaaal*. What a cutie! Oh, I could just eat you all up! Well, I'm going to do that anyway. Hence the bath. I like my dinner to be clean. Shall I wash your hair, or do you want to do it yourself? I can't put you out on the table looking all musty and dusty, my guests would never forgive me."
JO'N: *growl* DM!
DM: Yes, angel?
JO'N: He's a cannibal?
DM: Yes, love.
JO'N: A gay cannibal?
DM: You must admit, it's different.
JO'N: A camper-than-a-row-of-pink-tents gay cannibal?
DM: *snigger*. Just hope that the guys come to your rescue, sweetheart, I've seen what he's going to serve you with. I mean, sparkling rosé wine? Just no. I'd have thought a nice Chianti would have been more appropriate.
"FUCK! That's cold! You never said we'd be this cold, Sam. You said we'd get a bit chilly. How come you're not covered in ice and freezing your extremities off?"
"Oh, we think it's got something to do with our having gone through the gate loads of times. Our molecules get used to it. It's either that or the scriptwriters got fed up of writing it in at the beginning of the show. Whatever. It just means that newbies suffer. Give it a couple of goes and you'll be okay."
"Humph. Which way now?"
"Just wait for Jim to stop throwing up and we go that-a-way."
"Is that a side effect too?"
"Yeah, but only if you've eaten too much before you travel. I told him not to eat that second dessert."
"But it looked so nice *bleeeeeuch*. And it was tasty *rruuuuuuth*. And I was hungry *hueeeeeeey*. There's that's it, I think. Got some water, Chief?"
"Here. Next time you'll know better, won't you?"
"Hmm. Did you try radioing them when they disappeared?"
"Just how stupid do you think we are?"
"Sorry. So, they're out of range or their radios are broken."
"Got it in one."
"Okay. Let's try this a different way. Jack! Jack, can you hear me? Come on, we're here, ready to come and save your sorry asses. The least you can do is reply."
"HUSH! I can hear something."
"Not sure. Jim? Oh yes! They're here! Okay, Jim, hope you can hear me, because we have got to get out of here NOW. Go to the place we disappeared. It's a trap of some sort. Be careful. It was only sprung when Danny and I walked over it. Carter and Teal'c had already gone over it and it rejected them. I'm guessing that naquada doesn't taste good."
Huh? What are you going on about?
"Trust me, you don't want to get caught. Our captor's a gay cannibal."
"Hey! Don't shout. Come on, just do it, will ya?"
On our way. We're nearly at the place you guys disappeared from. I'll call you in a minute.
"You do that. And watch where you step."
"Not really. There's some wild animal around and you really don't want to step in its droppings. It stinks."
Fuck. Yeah. I can smell it now. Thanks for the warning. We're here. Send DM back, will you?
DM: I heard. No rest for the wicked.
"They were here when they disappeared."
"There's nothing there. I can't see anything, smell anything, hear..."
"We get the picture. Maybe Jack was right. You said he mentioned the naquada?"
"Yeah - what is that?"
"Something in my bloodstream and Teal'c's symbiote. It could explain why he and I were ignored."
"So, step back away from it. Tie a rope around my waist and let me walk over it."
"Blair, I'm not letting you fall into a trap."
"No, that's why the rope will be around me. I'm counting on you guys to not let me fall. And given that I'm the little guy here - hell, even Sam's bigger than me - it makes sense."
A rope is tied around Blair's waist and he cautiously makes his way to where the tracks stop. As he steps into position, the ground gives way and he falls, but the three others hold him and stop him going too far.
"Um, it looks like a slide of some sort."
"Yeah, a huge slide. Looks like fun."
"How deep is it?"
"Can't see the end. You're going to have to come and look, Jim."
"Shit, that's a long way down. Hang on, there's something like a mattress at the bottom. The cannibal obviously doesn't like his dinner damaged."
"It's probably how he got the others. They were shocked when they fell down here, so when he was waiting at the bottom he got a hold of them. But we'll be waiting for him."
"I don't like the sound of this, Chief."
"No, but I can't think of any other way in."
"Hang on. DM?"
JE: Is there another way in?
DM: Not that I know of, sorry. There are some caves a couple of miles in that direction.
JE: What direction?
DM: That one. Look, see where I'm pointing? I thought that you had super-sight.
JE: Grrr. Okay. I see them. We don't have time to investigate, do we?
DM: Not unless you want to see the remains of Devilled Daniel with a side salad of Julienned Jack, no.
DM: Quite. I'd get a move on if I were you.
"She's right. While we're down there, why don't you two head off to the caves and see if there's a way in? This guy has obviously got them underground."
"That is acceptable Ellison. First, we shall see you slide. Tell us what it is like when we see you again."
"Because, being a Jaffa, I have once again been excluded from the fun bit of the story. I shall live vicariously through you and get my excitement that way."
DM: I'm sorry, Teal'c. But you wait, your symbiote thing will save the day.
T: It will?
DM: Sure. If you hadn't had the symbiote, how would you have missed the trap and got home to start the rescue? You're the hero, you should know that by now.
SC: What about me?
DM: Shh, I'm trying to make him feel better. You're a hero too.
SC: I am?
DM: Sure! And a role model.
DM: Anyone else's ego need soothing? I'm good at that. No? Perhaps we can get on with the story, then, seeing as it's the whole point and all.
"Okay, haul Blair back and we'll get ready. Jack? Can you hear me?"
Yep, loud and clear.
"Good. We'll be going down the slide. Anything we should know?"
Sure, there's a nasty curve after a few seconds. You'll want to watch your ass on the side of the slide or you'll get a bruise.
"I meant, what are we to expect when we get to the bottom?"
A couple of hulking great guys with clubs. A smack on the head and unconsciousness. Avoid that and you've got it sussed.
"Right. Thanks. See you in a few. You ready Chief?"
"As I'll ever be. What did you call this again?"
"It's a zat. Fire once and you'll knock 'em out. Twice will kill them, third time means you don't have to worry about hiding the body."
"It disintegrates them."
"I could do with one of these back in Cascade."
"Why? Are some of the criminals that bad?"
"Criminals? No. But there's a serious rivalry between Major Crime and Homicide's basketball teams."
"I guess you don't play that, do you, Blair?"
"HA! I do, as a matter of fact."
"Sure he does. He's MC's secret weapon."
"Yeah. We send him in and he runs around their ankles, tripping them up while the rest of us score. OW!"
"That was an ankle, Jim. Next height quip and you'll be singing soprano again. You know I'll do it."
"Don't I just. Okay. Time to go."
"They're on their way."
"Hope they manage to avoid the smack on the head thing."
"Yeah, me too. So, what shall we do when we get out of here?"
"Escape? Go home?"
"I meant then. Tonight. You have a preference for dinner?"
"Anything - as long as it's not pork."
"Long pig - it's what the cannibals on Earth used to call human meat."
"Ah. Somehow I'm not keen on that idea either. We'll get takeout."
"Sounds good. I want a bath too."
"Why, wasn't the one you just had enough?"
"No, not really. I mean, I liked the spicy smell of whatever it was he put in the water till I realised what it was."
"Why, what was it?"
"Ah. Okay. Bath it is. Wanna share?"
"I can do that."
"Hmm, me too. What do you want to do after, Danny?"
"I can do that too."
*THUD* *WHOOSH* *ZAT* *OOOOW*
"Sorted. And 'weeeeeee', Jim?"
"Hey, it was fun."
"You're a big kid. Anyway, the thugs are zatted, it's time to go. Which way?"
"Hang on. Jack? Speak to me."
We're in cells, somewhere dark.
"We're underground, it's all dark."
Follow my voice.
"That's the intention. Keep talking."
Did you hear the one about the duck and the elephant? WHAT? Okay, Daniel says that's not repeatable.
He says he doesn't want to be reminded how the duck got its waddle.
"*snigger*. Got anything you can repeat?"
U-um, no. Not really. At least not in company. Have you picked up on our direction yet?
"Yeah, got you. You're not far."
There's a big door between us, the cannibal came through it with the bath.
Don't ask. But I'm never going to buy turmeric-flavoured bath oil.
"Huh? Never mind. I can see the door."
Good. Hurry up, will ya? I've got a feeling that we'll have company soon.
"We're right here. Okay, the door. Big bolt, there, that's thrown back... and we're... hi guys."
"Hey! Great. Now get us out of the cells and we can get out of here."
"Only if we can find a way back to the surface."
"Yeah, something like that. You smell weird."
"You marinade in a bath and you'd smell weird too."
"Ye-ah. There's no key. How are we going to open the locks?"
"And C4 isn't?"
"That wasn't my suggestion. I was rather hoping for a key."
"Hey, Blair, how's it going?"
"D, great man, with you?"
"Sure, not so bad these days. Unless I'm being locked up that is."
"This happen to you a lot?"
"Oh, on a regular basis. About once a month these days."
"Yeah, but you get used to it."
"Eh hem, if you two have finished saying hi, how about some ideas on how to get us out of here?"
"We're just waiting for you two to finish talking about blowing the shit out of things. The key's on the back of the door."
Silence descends as the two sentinels glare at their guides, who are quietly laughing to themselves. Unfortunately, being dark, only the sentinels get to see the glares, so they're completely lost on the others. Jim gets the key, unlocks the locks, the freed men pick up their packs and then the four creep out of the cell block.
"Um, there's some light over there. Let's head that way."
"Sounds like a plan."
Meanwhile, back on the surface, Sam and Teal'c have arrived at the caves. Some of them are dead ends, but one in particular is deep.
"How are we going to communicate with them?"
DM: Call them. Just talk. One of the J's will hear you.
T: You can be sure of this?
DM: Yeah, what the hell, I'm feeling generous. I'll write it in.
T: You are most kind.
DM: Don't remind me.
T: Then I shall not.
"O'Neill, Ellison, can you hear me?"
DM: You'll just have to accept that they can hear you, Teal'c. They can't call you back. The radios don't work in there.
T: That is inconvenient.
DM: Hey, it's not my fault. Something to do with the geology, I think. It's not my subject.
T: Then what should I say?
DM: Just keep talking. Tell them a joke or something. Anything to guide them towards you.
T: Very well.
"O'Neill. I shall keep talking. Follow my voice.
"Hey, I can hear the T man. He's talking and wanting us to follow him out."
"Great, they must be at the caves. What's he saying?"
"Oh, not much."
The weather is nice out here, O'Neill. It would be to your advantage to make the most of it. I had chicken surprise for my lunch. I was most surprised. There was no chicken.
"He's not really good at this talking thing. We're getting closer to him though."
There were once a Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Hawk Guard stranded on a planet...
"Jaffa jokes. Do yourself a favour, Jim, and tune out. They are not funny."
"Jaffa jokes? Oh God - Jack's right, Jim. You really don't want to listen in."
And the Horus Guard said, "It is not my fault, it was like that when I got here." HA HA HA HA.
"Yep, I was right. Definitely not funny."
"How close are we now, Jim?"
"Not too far, Chief. Look, there's the light."
"Don't say it, Blair."
"The light at the end of the tunnel."
"Oh. Okay, I won't. Besides, you've already done it for me."
And that is how the duck got its waddle. Though I do not see the humour in that one, O'Neill.
DM: Don't look now guys but...
JO'N: But what? Aw crap, you're going to drop us in it again, aren't you?
BS: Why would she do that?
JO'N: You don't know her very well, do you?
BS: Um, no, this is only the second story she's written for us.
JO'N: Yeah, well, she's written over a hundred for us. We're in the shit. Trust me on this one.
DM: I was just warning you. I mean, you don't have to have me around. I can go back to my normal role of past tense narrator, you know, staying out of the way, thinking up things and not telling you what's going to happen.
DJ: Now you've done it, Jack. She's in a snit again. DM, honey, please. Stick around, will you? I want to go home now.
DM: Is he going to get snarky with me again?
DJ: Most likely, but, well, that's Jack, you know. He can't help it. He was born like it.
DM: Yeah, I've met his mother. Poor woman.
JO'N: You've met MOM?
DM: Well, duh! How else did I know about 'bubbles'? Ooh, look, he's blushing.
DJ: You know, he never told me about that.
DM: Didn't he? Oh, well, you see, it was like this...
JO'N: Do you mind? We've got some caves to escape from and unless I'm very much mistaken, we have a horde of cave-dwelling gay cannibals chasing us.
"How do you know they're all gay?"
"Well, Blair, it's like this. I'm looking at them. They're looking at me as if I'm the last man alive, and those hungry looks aren't for food, if you get my drift."
"It's not as if that's new to you, is it?"
"Eh hem. Well... look, can't we just get out of here and then discuss this later please?"
"Jack, come on, look, there's the entrance. Let's move it, please."
The four men start to run, chased by a Benny Hill style mob, but instead of scantily clothed women, they find themselves pursued by a bunch of large, hairy men, dressed in leather and chains. With the goatees and moustaches. Talk about Planet of the Clichés.
"How are we going to get past the trap. Or traps?"
"I don't know Daniel, but however it is, we have to do it now!"
"Hold hands with Teal'c and Sam!"
"Look, you said it's something in their blood that stops the traps being set off, right?"
"Well, if we're running together, touching them, when we run over the trap it shouldn't go off, right?"
"Right! Good thinking. Okay. We're there. Teal'c, Carter, we have to go now! But hold our hands. Carter, grab Jim and Blair, one in each hand. Teal'c buddy, you've got Daniel and me."
"No time, explain on the way, come on or we're going to end up as food for a gay biker's convention!"
The six run from the caves, a large crowd of angry cavemen hot on their heels. DM starts to lose it when they appear over the ridge of a low hill, six abreast, holding onto each other's hands and heading quickly across the grass towards the stargate.
JO'N: What the fuck are you laughing at? We're in trouble!
DM: "The hills are alive... with the sound of music!" HOWL!
JO'N, DJ, SC, T, BS & JE: SHUT UP!
DM: OW - Oh God, I'm sorry, but if you could see it from my perspective...
DJ: NOT NOW DM!
DM: Okay, okay, I'll make it up to you. Run over the trap, quickly.
For once in their lives, the guys do as DM tells them - WITHOUT ARGUING JACK! - and run over the trap. So do the biker/cavemen. Who promptly open the trap as they have no naquada in their blood. To cries of "woo hoo," "weeeee!" and "oh crap!" they all disappear, allowing our heroes to stop running and get their breath back before getting to the gate.
DJ: Aw, you do love us. Thanks, hun.
DM: See, told you it would be okay. Now you get to go home and bonk like bunnies.
SC & T: WHAT?
DM: You didn't tell them?
JO'N: Well, no. Don't ask, don't tell and all that crap?
DM: Oops, sorry. You're not going to say anything, are you?
SC & T: What's it worth?
DM: I'll be especially nice to you in the next MI story?
SC & T: Okay then. But you'd better be.
DM: Guide's honour.
DJ: DM, you were never a Guide. You got kicked out of Brownies for being too much of a tomboy, remember?
DM: Yeah, but they don't know that.
Daniel reaches the DHD and dials up. Blair and Jim are shuddering at the thought of going through the bloody thing again, but figure it would be a good idea when compared with being stuck where they are. They step through. Sam hurriedly sends the code on the GDO and hopes that the iris will be opened before the guys rematerialise.
"You should have told them about the GDO, you know."
"I know, Daniel, but what with the worries of you two missing and all..."
DM: ... a deer, a female deer, ray, a drop of golden suuuuuuun...
JO'N, DJ, SC, T & JOY: SHUT UP!
Okay - back to the narrative in past tense. Partially because I'm used to it, and partially because I didn't want the boys to know I was around last night at Jack's house. You'll see why in a minute.
The four men sat in Jack's living room, beers in hand, squabbling over which hockey/basketball game or nature/history show to watch, then they gave up, couldn't agree on any music, so they sat in silence. Till Blair spoke.
"Jack? You looked, well, embarrassed when those biker-cavemen were chasing you and I said you should be used to it. What's wrong?"
"Wrong? Nothing's wrong. It's just... we've... well, we've not..."
"Fucked," Daniel said bluntly.
"Thank you Daniel."
Blair sat back in amazement.
"You've not had sex?"
"Didn't say that, we've just not..."
"Fucked. Yeah, I heard you. Why not?"
"Oh, no reason," Daniel said, finding the backs of his hands fascinating. And damn, that beer label was just begging to be read.
"Jack?" Jim decided that his buddy needed someone on his side as he felt the battle lines being drawn. "Haven't you ever...?"
"No," Jack admitted.
"It's no big deal, Jack," Daniel called out. "How many times do I have to tell you? I love you for you not your ass. Sweet as it is." He added that last comment quietly and with a big smirk on his face, neither of which was missed by anyone in the room.
"So, you've not done it the other way around?" Jim persisted.
"Hey!" Daniel called out. "It's not as if it would be the first time, as you well know, Blair Sandburg!"
"I know, I know," Blair howled. "But come on, D, it's not likely, is it?"
"It will happen. At some point." Daniel was now feeling protective of Jack and scowled at his old friend - who was still laughing. Both Jack and Jim yelled, "WHY?"
"Daniel's a top! Sheesh, I'd have thought you'd have worked that one out, Jack."
"I can and do bottom. Sometimes. When I feel like it. If I trust him. If Jack wants me to, I'll do it for him."
Jack sat open-mouthed at this exchange.
"You... you... you're a... a... a..."
"Top. Yes. Got a problem with that flyboy?"
"YES! Me too. It's why I've never done it. Never met anyone I wanted to do it with. Till now," he added hurriedly.
"Oh? You want to?" Daniel's face suddenly looked a mite dangerous to Jack.
"What NOW?" he squeaked.
"Now's as good a time as any, Jack."
Blair fought down a snigger and grabbed Jim by the hand, leading him up to the spare room that they'd been put into earlier.
"Trust me, Jim, now's a really good time to get out of it."
"I know Daniel, remember? He was my first boyfriend, Jim. I was eighteen when we met. Let's just say he taught me a thing or fifty."
"How old was he?"
"Twenty-two. Just split up with his lover of five years too. Even at sixteen, Daniel was a top apparently."
"Did you two ever swap?"
"Sure, he made me do him before he'd do me, in fact. Made sure that I knew what I was letting myself in for."
"He took care of you?"
"Always, man, always."
"Can I take care of you tonight, Chief?"
"I'm all yours, Jim, all yours."
The look of possessive satisfaction on Jim's face at those words sent shivers down Blair's spine. His dick jerked violently at the thought of Jim taking care of it. In no time flat, Blair was naked and flat on his back, waiting for his lover to come to bed. Jim was inhaling Blair's scent, while standing at the foot of the bed and staring at him. Or rather his dick.
"Jim? Jim? Come on, I'm getting kinda deflated here. Oh crap, this is all I need. Snap out of it man. Come on, wakey wakey, rise and shine."
"You zoned on me. Why?"
"I did? Hell. It's you, Sandburg. Just lookin' at you, smelling you, I mean - wow."
It was at this point that I was about to step in and threaten to puke again, but Jim finally got with the programme, stripped off and jumped on his man. That was more like it.
Blair sent out low, husky moans as Jim trailed his tongue down Blair's chest. I had to remember to breathe occasionally while I watched it.
JOY: Oh FCOL DM. Calm down and get a grip!
DM: *blinks innocently* On what?
DM: If you don't mind...?
JOY: What? Oh, sure, do go on.
DM: You're all heart. Now, where was I? Oh yes.
JOY: I'm surprised you can remember with all the goddamn interrupting.
DM: What? Oh shut up!
By the time the real action started and Jim's mouth was just where Blair wanted it (i.e. sucking like crazy), I'd forgotten air, decided it wasn't really necessary, and continued to watch. Blair was enjoying the hell out of himself, Jim didn't look too upset by the proceedings either.
"Oh God, Jim, that is so fucking good. Harder, babe, harder."
"Stop talking, keep on sucking, please."
Jim took him at his word, and hands roaming, he went for it. Blair came so hard he shot off the bed.
The predatory look on Jim's face as he crawled up the bed was more than Blair could take.
"Do it," he ordered, "do it now, Jim."
"Turn over. Give me that lovely ass Chief."
His beautiful blue eyes glistening with mischief, Blair flipped himself over and waggled his ass in Jim's general direction.
"Chief, get your head out of the pillow and tell me."
"I'm fine, just DO it, please? Oh GOD. Oh yeah. Oh GOD. Oh yeah."
They settled to a comfortable rhythm of 'oh God' on the in stroke and 'oh yeah' on the out, till Blair got a bit more demanding, and changed his tune to 'harder' on the in and 'faster' on the out. Jim tried not to laugh as his lover barked his orders, and wondered just why anyone ever thought that the 'bottom' in the relationship was not the alpha male.
Unfortunately, this was the point at which I passed out. I remember thinking as the world went black, that oxygen really was a girl's best friend, no matter how much of a noise diamonds made in that direction.
JOY: (Quoting Q) Perspicacity incarnate.
DM: And I thought that I needed to get a life.
By the time I woke up, they were on their backs, wrapped up in each other and being so vomit-inducingly sappy I had to leave before I gave away the fact that I'd seen them.
Meanwhile, in the other bedroom, Jack was lying on the bed and gulping worriedly as he saw an incredibly predatory Daniel stalking across the floor. Both men were already naked (a rule of the room being that all clothes had to be removed before they'd got so much as two feet inside it - one of Jack's better house rules, Daniel thought). Both men were certainly hard.
"I want you, Jack. If you'll allow it. I won't take what's not freely offered."
"How about if I want you?"
Daniel thought for a moment, grinned, and said, "You may have me. If that's what you want."
"You don't think that I want you?"
"Oh, I know you want me, Jack," Daniel purred as he knelt on the bed, straddling Jack's thighs and letting their cocks brush against each other lightly. "But, I also know that you want me to do this, that you're curious as to what it's like."
"I'll give you that," Jack admitted. "Why don't you like it?"
"I do. I like it very much. I just happen to prefer being top, that's all. But I have no objections, with the right guy, of course."
"You ever turned a guy down?"
"I lived with a guy for two years and we never did it. Mind, he was a 100% bottom, wouldn't have let me even if I'd wanted to."
"Wow. That wasn't the guy in the UK?"
"Nah, we shared. No, it was the guy in Chicago. Anyway, I'm not talking about my past lovers, Jack. There's only you and me now - never going to be anyone else, right?"
"Good. Do you trust me?"
"I do, Daniel."
"Will you let me?"
Jack pulled Daniel down for a sizzling kiss. To tell the truth I could see the sparks flying between them. Damn, those boys are hot.
"I'll take that as a yes, then," Daniel gasped when Jack let him go.
"You do that."
Somehow, Jack looked annoyingly smug, but then rendering Daniel almost speechless has a tendency to do that. So, as I was saying, there they were, on the bed, naked and Jack was willing. Daniel dug out the stuff they'd need from the bedside table and grinned.
"Lie back, babe, and enjoy."
"Not sure I will be able to."
"Have you seen the size of your dick? I'm never going to take that!"
"Of course I've seen the size of it, regularly. Daily in fact. And you can, and you will. If you relax and trust me."
"I can do that."
Then he proceeded to give Jack a lesson in seduction. And what a lesson it was! Dear God, I thought they were hot before, I thought Daniel was really hot with Blair - but this time? Sheesh - call the fricking Fire Brigade. He was trailing butterfly kisses over every single erogenous zone Jack had, including a number he didn't know he had. Hands roamed over flesh, across his body inside and out, playing with Jack's mind as well as his prostate (at which Jack froze, his eyes opened wide and he swore eternal love to the pillow that his head was stuffed in). By the time Daniel had got to his dick, Jack was pleading in every language he knew (four - English, Latin, Arabic and Pig Latin. Well, he was desperate). So Daniel took pity on him, positioned himself and slowly and carefully pushed inside him.
"You okay?" Daniel panted. He wasn't the only one panting there, I can tell you.
"Yes, it's good. Great. More."
"Jack, there is no more. I can't go any further in, my balls are getting in the way."
He rolled his hips as he gently moved, sped up as Jack demanded it; in fact, he did everything that Jack demanded.
"Why the fuck don't you do everything you're told in the field?" Jack called out after Daniel obeyed yet another order.
"Because you won't let me fuck you in the field."
Somehow, that made sense to Jack's addled brain.
"Why don't you do what you promised in the cell," Daniel gasped.
"What was that?" Jack panted.
"Touch yourself, Jack. Jerk yourself off. I want to watch."
So he did. They moved in time with each other, Daniel thrusting as Jack stroked.
"Oh God, Danny, I'm...m...m..."
Daniel got the message. Hot, sticky fluid shot up and hit him on the chin before gravity took over and it dropped back onto Jack's prone body. That in turn pushed him over the edge and he, too, came hard.
"Oh my God, Jack. I love you so much. Thank you, babe, thank you so much."
"Welcome, Danny," Jack gasped. "I liked that a lot. Your turn next?"
"Absolutely, promise. But not now."
"No," Jack chuckled, "not now."
Next morning, they made their way downstairs. Jim, a man of taste, intelligence, not to mention good sense, had already got up and put the coffee pot on. Daniel headed for it, sat down with a mug in his hands and inhaled. The scent helped him find his mouth and soon he was happy, a mug of triple-strength caffeine attached to his lips.
Jack carefully made his way into the kitchen, poured himself a mug of coffee, and with a wince at the thought, declined to sit down.
Blair sniggered. He raised an eyebrow at Daniel and got a small smile back. One story Blair was well-versed in was just how the duck got its waddle. And now Jack knew for sure too.