The Big 4 - 0 by Eos

Author's Note: This is just a little something I wrote for the F.D.A.S. Daniel birthday challenge. I call it an un-fic because, well, it's not really a fic. But it is an interesting idea. And smutty in word, if not deed ;-)

Daniel sat down at his desk and paged through the file, his brow creased in concentration. After a moment, he reached for the phone and dialed.


"Hey, Daniel. How's it going?"

"Good. Better, actually, since I got my birthday present."

"Birthday present," Jack repeated, his tone puzzled.

"Yes, thank you, it's just what I always wanted."

"A birthday present from me."

"I know you wanted to go all out, seeing as it's kind of milestone birthday, but really— you've outdone yourself," Daniel said.

He flipped back to the first page of the file and stared at the photo attached to the inside of the front cover.

"Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about," Jack admitted. "I didn't send you a birthday present."



"After all these years I know your handwriting, and that's definitely your signature on the paperwork," Daniel said. He traced the writing with his finger. "General Jack O'Neill."

"Really." Jack sounded completely confused. Daniel smiled to himself, because sometimes there was simply too much fun to be had at Jack's expense. "Did I remember to wrap it?"

"Oh, yes," Daniel said, nodding his approval. "A very nice package it is, too."

"What color is it?"

"Blue. Lots of little ribbons and shiny metal bits."

"Ribbons," Jack said skeptically.

"Lots," Daniel confirmed. "But manly."

"Manly ribbons. Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do." Jack's sigh carried all the way from Washington. "Daniel, how could I not know if I'd sent you a present?"


"Fuck you."

"That reminds me— you still planning to come home this weekend?" Daniel asked.

"Yeah, I've got a late flight Friday."

"Good." Daniel lowered his voice. "Maybe we can unwrap my present together."

"Is it something I'll like?"

"I'd say yes. I think you'll like it very much," Daniel said.

"What is it? Some kind of sex toy?"

"I think it'd be kind of rude to call…." Daniel tilted his head and studied the picture again. "Then again…."

"Is it a dildo?" Jack asked.

"Er…no. It's a little too big for that. Although at least one of the component parts is sufficient to perform that function." Daniel frowned. "At least I hope it's sufficient."

"Daniel, just tell me what it is."

"That'd spoil the surprise."

"Fine. Is it bigger than a breadbox?" Jack asked, clearly growing tired of the game.

"Yes, definitely, much bigger. But it does have a really nice set of buns."

"Daniel!" Jack said sharply.

"Dr. Jackson?"

"Oops, hang on, Jack." Daniel pressed the receiver against his chest, slapped the file closed, and smiled at his visitor. "Can I help you?"

"I hope I'm not interrupting." Colonel Mitchell nodded at the phone.

"No, it's…. Don't worry about it." Daniel clutched the receiver even closer to his chest and smiled again. "So…you wanted something?"

"Well, sort of." Mitchell gave an embarrassed shrug. "Being the new guy, and knowing that you guys have worked together a long time, I kind of felt like I should try to get to know you a little better. You know— before we're in the middle of an off-world crisis."

"Good idea," Daniel said with an emphatic nod. He patted the folder lying in front of him. "In fact, I had the same thought. I was just browsing through your file."

"Really? Good…I guess," Mitchell said. He shrugged. "So…how about you allow me to buy you dinner and we'll get to know each other in person, not on paper?"

"Commissary?" Daniel asked, wary.

"I was kind of hoping we'd be friends," Mitchell said. "Not enemies."

"Right. Great. Sounds great." Daniel waved vaguely at his desk. "I've got a few things I need to do…."

"No problem. Finish up and come by my office when you're ready to go."

"Perfect. See you in a bit." Daniel's gaze dropped to Mitchell's ass as it headed for the door.

"Er…Dr. Jackson?"

"Daniel." Daniel forced his eyes up to Mitchell's face. "It's just Daniel."

"Okay…. Daniel, you might want to finish your phone call."

"What? Oh, right. I'll do that." Daniel raised the phone slowly, his eyes dropping back to Mitchell's ass. He sighed when that derrière disappeared from view. He finally placed the phone against his ear. "Sorry, Jack, gotta go. Important stuff to do."

"Buns, Daniel?"

"Oh, yeah," Daniel sighed.

"Daniel, you slut, I did not assign Colonel Mitchell to the SGC as your birthday present."

"Yes, you did."

"I…." Jack growled. "What about me?"

"Hello? Twin fantasy?" Daniel said.

"No…. I…." Jack paused. "You know, that just might work."

"Of course it will. Just remember he's my birthday present."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning I may not be able to wait until the weekend to unwrap him."

"No touching before Friday."

"Me touching him or him touching me?" Daniel asked.

"Either. Neither. Whatever."


"And you're just plain spoiled," Jack said. "Oh, and fair warning, Daniel— I'm not going to try to sit through one more Pentagon meeting with stubble burn on my ass."


"Meaning lose the beard before Friday."

"I like my beard."

"Do you like my ass?"

"You're saying it's an either/or situation?" Daniel asked.

"That's what I'm saying."

"Hmmm…. Beard? Ass? Beard? Ass…."


"Yes, Jack?"

"The beard is coming off if I have to do it myself. And if I do have to do it myself your face isn't the only thing that'll be getting shaved."

"You wouldn't."

"Would," Jack assured him. "I'll have Mitchell help hold you down."

There was a brief silence, then Daniel cleared his throat.


"It's your birthday— you call the shots." Jack hung up and Daniel picked up the file and began fanning his face.

"Damn. Who knew turning forty could be so much fun?"

Added 20 JULY 2005

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