Fun with clichés: clueless Jack, clueless Daniel, conniving friends and hapless Major Davis.
"Oh, boy, are you a sight for sore eyes."
"Well, hello to you, too, sweetie," Janet said as Paul Davis dropped a kiss on top of her head. She shifted over on the couch to allow him to sit down beside her. "Tough day?"
"How do you put up with them?" Paul asked, sinking into the cushions with an exasperated sigh.
"Which 'them' are you referring to?"
"Well, all of them, but mostly SG-1. Especially Colonel O'Neill and Dr. Jackson." Davis shook his head. "It's like dealing with preschoolers. Except that O'Neill has a shorter attention span."
"You have to be firm with them," Janet agreed with a laugh.
"Firm? How can you be firm? They don't even listen to anyone else. They get that weird verbal shorthand going and the rest of the world could vanish and they'd never know it."
"They belong together."
"I'll say. Er.wait," Paul said, staring at Janet. "When you say 'together'?"
"I mean together," Janet said firmly.
"As in head over heels, besotted, smitten, can't live without each other together."
"O'Neill? And.and Jackson?" Paul asked incredulously. "But they drive each other crazy."
"U.S.T.," Janet said sagely. "If they'd just fuck they'd both be happier."
"Okay," Paul said, flabbergasted. "That was an image I didn't need."
"You don't think they belong together?" Janet asked.
"Sure.in a matching straight jacket kind of way," Paul said.
"They have enough sparkage to power the gate," Janet insisted.
"Daniel and Colonel O'Neill?"
"You don't have a problem with that, do you?"
"No.I, um, I just.. O'Neill?"
"You have a hard time seeing Colonel O'Neill as gay? But not Daniel?"
"No, that's not it. It's just.it's O'Neill," Paul said, shuddering.
"Here's the plan," Janet said in a businesslike tone.
"Plan?" Paul asked, entering the living room carrying a platter of nachos. "We're planning something?"
"A way to get Daniel and the colonel together," Sam said.
With deceptive ease, Teal'c claimed the platter before it could fall to the floor. Davis just stared at the other three.
"You're not serious?" he said.
"You said yourself that they're driving everyone crazy," Janet pointed out.
"Yes, but it was just an observation. You're not supposed to do anything about it," Paul insisted. "You can't do anything about it."
"Why not?" Teal'c asked.
"Why not? Well, first of all, I'm not convinced that you've got the right idea about what's going on between them."
"They're in love," Janet said.
"Horny as hell," Sam agreed. She laughed and nudged Janet with her shoulder. "You should've seen the colonel on 932. I thought he was going to cream his pants."
Davis let out a strangled cough.
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed. "O'Neill appeared to be at his wits end."
"Really?" Janet said, her eyes wide with interest.
"Poor guy," Sam said, her expression turning regretful. "I really don't think he has any idea why it happens. He always seems so surprised, like he doesn't understand why his body is reacting that way."
"Well, maybe it's not what you think it is," Paul suggested.
"I believe O'Neill has convinced himself that his arousal is the purely physical result of a normally non-sexual stimulus. He believes it is simply the result of chemical changes caused by anger at Daniel Jackson."
"I can't believe I'm sitting here listening to an alien with a.a snake in his stomach put 'arousal' and 'O'Neill' in the same sentence," Paul mumbled, looking thoroughly disbelieving.
"You'll get used to it," Janet said, patting him on the thigh.
"The colonel's in deep, deep denial," Sam said, agreeing with Teal'c's assessment.
"All right," Paul interjected. "Even assuming you're right about Colonel O'Neillsomething I'm not convinced of yetwhat about Daniel?"
"He's in love," Janet sighed.
"He's bi. And also in denial," Sam said sadly. "Just not for the same reason."
"Daniel Jackson will not seek his own happiness," Teal'c said.
"Exactly!" Janet said with an approving nod at Teal'c. "Which is why we have to make him realize that he'd be making the colonel happy."
"Daniel will do anything for the colonel," Sam agreed.
"Did I go through the gate today?" Paul asked Janet abruptly.
"Of course not, honey. Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm sitting here with you three discussing how to get O'NeillColonel O'Neillinto bed with Dr. Jackson."
"Do you have a problem with that?" Sam asked.
"It's O'Neill," Paul protested. Why couldn't anyone else see the sheer unreality of that suggestion? Not to mention a certain 'urp' factor. "Are you sure this isn't some alternate reality?"
"Hardly," Sam said. Suddenly her expression changed as she considered that possibility. "But that's an idea."
"What's an idea?" Paul asked.
"Somewhere, in some reality, there has to be a Jack and Daniel who are together."
"Do you believe making O'Neill and Daniel Jackson aware of this would help them to acknowledge their own feelings?" Teal'c asked Sam.
"I suggest we hold that in reserve," Janet interrupted. "Aside from the fact that we can't just go dialing up another reality as proof, I think we'll have to use a subtle approach. Otherwise we're likely to scare one or both of them off."
"You're probably right about that," Sam conceded.
"Please," Paul scoffed. "Subtle is wasted on O'Neill. You'd be better off inviting them on a double date."
"Dinner," Janet said with a nod. "You and me, Sam and Teal'c, and.."
"Major Carter and Teal'c?" Paul gasped.
"Oh, no.not really," Sam said, blushing. "We're really just very good friends. Very good."
"It is as Major Carter says," Teal'c agreed. "I hold her in the highest regard.and on occasion I hold her in my arms."
Sam blushed even more deeply as Davis stared, dumbstruck.
"Well, that's settled then," Janet said firmly. "We'll go with Paul's plan."
"W-w-wait! Plan? I didn't make a plan," Paul protested.
"Sure you did, honey," Janet said, patting him absently on the shoulder.
"I need to go back to Washington," Paul said to himself. "Where the insanity is more predictable."
"For God's sake, Daniel, she was practically jerking you off with her tits!" Jack said.
"Jack," Daniel admonished as a strange choking noise came from Sam's direction. "Language."
"What? Too blunt for you, Daniel?"
"In mixed companyyes."
Jack glanced over at Sam, sitting on the opposite side of Janet's living room. She made a little 'don't mind me' shrug and tried to look invisible. Jack turned back to Daniel with a smirk.
"You object to my language? Fine. How aboutshe was masturbating you with her breasts."
"Oh, for chrissakes!" Davis exclaimed. "Would you two just fuck already?"
Davis' mouth slammed shut, too late, as both O'Neill and Jackson went absolutely still. Davis turned to Carter, who sat frozen with eyes as big as saucers.
"Major," Jack said in a deadly tone that few men still living had heard. "If you have any more potentially actionable suggestions like that to make, I strongly suggest that you don't."
Jack strode from the room, slamming the front door behind him hard enough to make the windows rattle. The noise brought Janet and Teal'c out of the kitchen with puzzled expressions.
"Are you nuts?" Daniel yelped, recovering from his stunned silence.
"What happened?" Janet asked.
"Those two," Paul said, making a frustrated wave at Daniel. "You're right. They're absolutely drowning in U.S.T. and I couldn't take it anymore."
"U.S.T.?" Daniel asked.
"Unresolved sexual tension," Janet said distractedly, never taking her eyes from Davis.
"Excuse me?" Daniel said. "There is no.what?.sexual?"
"What did you say?" Janet persisted.
"Major Davis suggested that the colonel and Daniel just fuck already," Sam said.
"Former Major Davis," Davis said woefully.
"I'm not tense. Jack's not tense. There is no tension, sexual or otherwise," Daniel said.
"You would be fortunate to find that only your rank is former," Teal'c told Davis gravely.
"The colonel was furious," Sam told Janet.
"Well, I should think so," Janet said, staring at Davis with disbelief. "That was not subtle."
"Oh, come on, you all agreed," Davis protested.
"Hey!" Daniel yelled, reaching the end of his patience. The other four people stopped and looked at him. "Now I don't know where Major.. Waityou all agree?"
"Well.yeah," Sam admitted.
"It was Janet's idea," Davis said quickly.
"Idea?" Daniel said, bewildered.
"To get the two of you together," Sam said.
"To enable both of you to recognize your feelings for one another," Teal'c said.
"What he said," Janet said, jerking her thumb in Teal'c's direction.
"I.wh.no," Daniel said with a feeble gesture of dismissal.
"You're in love with the colonel," Janet said gently.
"N-no," Daniel protested. "I love Jack, yesjust like I love Sam and Teal'c.."
"It's not the same," Sam said.
"Is," Daniel said, soundly slightly dubious, still reeling from the accusation.
"You love O'Neill as he loves you. You have thus far failed to recognize it," Teal'c explained.
"I think I'd know if we were in love."
"Daniel, even after Sha're stripped naked you still didn't know you were married," Sam pointed out.
"And then you made her put her clothes back on," Janet added.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Daniel said angrily.
"You can be a little oblivious, Daniel," Davis said.
"Oblivious? I think I know better than any of you what my feelings are. Or Jack's feelings for that matter. I've known him longer than any of you." Daniel paced across the room, seething. "How dare you. you.. You don't know what we feel or think about each other. You don't know anything!"
"We're just trying to help," Janet said.
"Help? By telling us to.. By suggesting that we're.." Daniel sputtered into silence, glaring at all of them. "If you think that's helping, I'd hate to see what you'd do if you wanted hurt us."
"Daniel," Sam said softly.
But Daniel turned on his heel and copied Jack's earlier actions, walking out and slamming the door behind him.
"Well, that went well," Davis said after a minute of silence.
Janet reached over and cuffed him on the side of the head.
Daniel sighed when the knock on his door became more insistent. He just wrapped his hands tighter around his mug and leaned his head back against the balcony door, watching the stars through wisps of clouds.
"Jesus!" Daniel yelped, nearly spilling his coffee in his lap. He turned his head and looked up at Jack. "D-don't sneak up on me like that!"
"Sorry," Jack said, crouching down next to Daniel. "But you weren't answering the door."
"I figured it was Paul or Janet.you know." Daniel shrugged self- consciously. "I wasn't in the mood to hear any more accusations. Not really in the mood to listen to excuses either."
"Yep. Know that feeling." Jack gazed off into the night for a moment. "I just wanted to apologize for storming out like that."
"No need," Daniel said, puzzled. "I bailed not long after you did."
"Really?" Jack said with a grin. He shook his head suddenly. "I mean yeah, sure I.we blew that joint. But it wasn't because of you."
"Me?" Daniel asked, becoming more confused.
"What I'm trying to say is that I wasn't offended by the suggestion that you and I.you know. I mean, I was offended by the suggestion, but not by the fact that it was you. Not that the suggestion is offensive in and of itself, but.." Jack sighed. "I'm not making any sense, am I?"
"No.no, I think I understand," Daniel said. "We're friends. Good friends."
"Yes, exactly," Jack said, relieved. "Fucking Major Davis. Like what would he know anyway?"
"Well, Major Davis is pretty certain he'll be serving Big Macs and fries by Monday."
"If he's lucky," Jack said vengefully.
"And apparently they all think that."
"Janet, Sam, Teal'c.apparently they all think we, um.."
"No," Jack said, flabbergasted. "Why?"
"I have no idea," Daniel admitted. "Of course, we do.love each other."
"Absolutely. You're my friend. I do love you.as a.."
"Friend," Jack supplied.
"Friend," Daniel agreed.
"Me, too. But that's a long way from sex."
"Long, long way," Daniel said.
"Teal'c, too, huh?"
"Huh." Jack shifted his position slightly, his knees obviously giving him trouble. "But.we're okay, right?"
"Yes," Daniel said quickly. "Of course we are. But what are we going to do about them?"
"Well, Major Meddler is supposed to go back to D.C. tomorrow so that takes care of him." Jack frowned. "Carter, Doc and Teal'c are all in cahoots with him?"
"If he's to be believed, Janet's the instigator."
"Jesus," Jack spat. "I thought messing with our heads was supposed to be MacKenzie's specialty."
"You think they were just playing mind games with us?" Daniel asked.
"Well, sure. What other reason would they have for saying something like that?"
"I.er, uh.." Daniel stammered incoherently as Jack stared at him. "Maybe because they believe it?"
"Why would they think something like that?"
"I don't know."
"Do you believe it?" Jack asked.
"I didn't say that," Daniel said quickly.
"You didn't deny it either," Jack said suspiciously.
"I think they're misinterpreting stuff," Daniel said. "We are kind of an odd.."
"I wasn't going to say that. We have an.unexpected friendship. You've never made any secret of the fact that you don't like scientists. I'm a scientist."
"You're a geek," Jack said.
"I'm not a geek," Daniel said acerbically.
"You're getting better," Jack conceded. "Soon as we do something about your wardrobe you'll be fit for civilized society."
"Asshole," Daniel complained. "And seethis is exactly what I was talking about. Youmeshopping."
"Oh for chrissakeit's not like we buy matching ensembles or.."
Daniel looked at Jack with big eyes.
"That doesn't count," Jack said quickly. "It was just a coincidence that we both liked that shirt. And it was on sale."
"But you can see how it might look.odd."
"I guess so," Jack said thoughtfully. "Does that mean we can't do stuff together anymore?"
"No! Well, I don't know about you but I have no intention of changing just because other people don't understand."
"No," Jack agreed. "I mean we're.us. People will just have to deal with it."
"I'm sorry we had to prolong your visit, Major," Hammond said.
"Couldn't be helped, sir. I understand."
"General, you wanted me?" Jack's eyes narrowed as he entered Hammond's office and noted Davis' presence. "Major."
Paul wondered if O'Neill had kept a little bit of Antarctica tucked away in his pocket because Paul had never heard a voice that cold.
"Colonel O'Neill," Paul said, hoping his voice didn't give away his trepidation.
"Colonel, we're having some difficulty with the inhabitants of M7J," Hammond said, oblivious to the tension between Paul and Jack. "I've asked Major Davis to stay and assist and he's agreed."
"Not surprised, sir. Major Davis loves to help."
"I am such dead meat," Paul said, bursting into Janet's office.
"What are you still doing here?" Sam asked.
"Apparently living out the last few hours of my lowly existence," Davis snapped at her.
"It can't be that bad," Janet said.
"I just spent an hour with the general and Colonel O'Neill."
"I'd use the word frigid if I didn't think you'd put some kind of sexual spin on it," Davis said, collapsing into a chair.
"Daniel's not a happy camper either," Sam told them.
"I stopped by Daniel's office to try and talk to him earlier. The colonel came by to update us on the problems on M7J." Sam winced. "They couldn't even look at each other. The colonel bolted as soon as he could spit the words out, and Daniel made some lame excuse before disappearing into the storage room."
"We have to help them," Janet said.
"Oh, I think we've 'helped' them quite enough already," Paul said.
"Not yet," Janet said. "Not until one of them is banging the other through the mattress."
"God!" Paul said, disgusted.
"Bad mental image: Colonel O'Neill with his legs spread and his ass in the air."
"Oh, yeah," Janet said, fanning herself with a lab report. Sam just nodded, her cheeks pink.
"You are sick, sick women."
"Hey," Jack said cheerily when Daniel opened his door.
"Yeah," Jack said, brushing past Daniel and taking a six pack into the kitchen.
"Why are you here?" Daniel asked, bemused.
"You don't want me here?"
"That's not what I said."
"It's game night," Jack said, taking a beer and putting the rest in the refrigerator.
"I know. I just thought.." Daniel followed Jack into his bedroom, where the good TV resided. Jack grabbed the remote and flopped onto the bed. "Are you okay with this?"
"You, me, bedroom. You knowafter what Paul Davis said."
"I refuse to let Major Dipwad interfere with my leisure activities," Jack declared. He looked at Daniel and frowned. "By 'leisure activities' I meant.."
"Beer. Game," Daniel said.
"Exactly. The fact that it involves your bedroom is.well, it's 'cause you're weird."
Daniel just shook his head, amused. He plumped his pillow up against the headboard and made himself comfortable on the other side of the bed. Just as he settled down with his book Jack hit the mute button.
"I know we said we weren't going to let what Davis said change anything.," Jack began.
"Reality check?" Daniel asked dryly.
"So at work.."
"If that's the way it has to be," Daniel agreed.
"You okay with this?" Jack asked.
"With having you here in my bed?" Daniel asked, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Yeah sure ya betcha."
"Daniel, great I was afraid you weren't here," Paul said when Daniel finally opened his front door.
Davis took in Daniel's bare chest and slightly dazed expression.
"Um, no.. Maybe." Daniel blinked. "Could be better."
"Listen, I'm headed back to D.C. in the morning and I just wanted to apologize. Again. I swearI had no idea what those three were up to," Davis said earnestly.
"You were, however, the one who said.."
"I think we both know what I said and it's apparent that I harbor some deep seated suicidal tendencies which I will be discussing with my therapist at the first available opportunity."
"If it were just me I wouldn't care," Daniel said. "But Jack.."
"I know," Davis said, nodding energetically. He tried on a hesitant smile. "In fact, if you could talk to Colonel O'Neill for me.."
"I know. You're the last person I should be asking, but you are the only person he listens to. In a strictly heterosexual, man to man kind of way."
"Man to man," Daniel repeated absently.
"So you'll talk to him?" Davis said. "Soon?"
"Yeah, I think soon can be arranged."
"Where's the rest of the Scooby gang?" Janet asked as she approached Sam and Teal'c.
"Colonel O'Neill wished to shower first," Teal'c said.
"I suspect Daniel is hiding in his office," Sam said, holding out her arm for the routine post-mission blood draw.
"Still?" Janet asked.
"It's worse," Sam said. "They're barely speaking to each other and not at all to us. I'm starting to think we should've left well enough alone. They may have been unhappy, but now they're both miserable."
"It does appear that by bringing their love for each other into the open, we have damaged the relationship," Teal'c agreed.
"That's ridiculous," Janet said. "Ignorance is never better than knowledge. They just need to grow up and deal with it."
"You can't really blame them," Sam argued. "This kind of allegation could ruin the colonel's career."
"Surely they realize that we wouldn't talk to anyone else about this," Janet said.
"Maybe.maybe we're wrong. Maybe what we think is there really isn't."
"You don't really believe that?" Janet said. "Sam, you were the one who pointed it out to me."
"I know. And yes, I still think they're in love, but maybe neither one of them has ever recognized it," Sam said.
"Wouldn't be the first time the colonel missed the clue bus," Janet agreed.
"In which case, we have forced them to confront a very difficult fact," Teal'c said.
"So what do you want to do?"
"Daniel and Colonel O'Neill should be here soon," Janet said.
"What?" Paul jumped up from the couch. "No. Just no. The colonel is already looking for an excuse to ship my ass to Siberia."
"Sit down," Janet chided. "We're going to apologize."
"Apologize?" Paul asked suspiciously.
"For having the balls to tell the truth."
"Janet," Sam warned. She turned to Davis. "We still think the two of them are nuts about each other.."
"Or just plain nuts," Paul interjected.
"But we're going to pretend that we don't. This has obviously been very difficult for them to deal with so we're going to apologize for suggesting that they are anything more than just friends and hope for the best."
"The best?" Paul questioned.
"It is our hope that once O'Neill and Daniel Jackson no longer feel pressured they will return to their former closeness," Teal'c explained. "And that they will eventually take the next step on their own."
"Next step?" Davis asked.
"Fuck," Janet said succinctly.
"It's O'Neill for chrissakes!" Davis ran his fingers through his hair, leaving it sticking up in all directions, as he looked around for a means of escape. "I'm going to go mow the lawn."
"It's January," Janet said with a puzzled look. "There's a foot of snow on the ground."
"I may be a while then."
A knock on the front door, followed by Jack's voice bellowing for Janet, froze Davis in his tracks.
"Sit," Janet hissed.
"He's going to hurt me," Paul protested.
"Lucky you're dating a doctor then," Janet said, shoving Paul back toward the couch.
"Hey, Doc, what do you need? I'm kind of in a hurry here," Jack said, following Janet into the living room. He stopped dead when he saw Sam, Teal'c, and Davis waiting. He shook his head and turned back toward the door. "No fucking way."
"Colonel," Janet said sharply. "Take a seat."
"I got a gun and I know how to use it," Jack threatened.
"I've got a catheter and I know how to use it," Janet growled right back.
Another knock came at the door.
"That better not be Daniel," Jack said, shaking his finger at Janet.
"Or what?" Janet said.
"Or.he's going to be pissed."
Janet kept Jack under control with a firm glare as she answered the door.
"Hey, Janet, can we make this quick? I've got some research.." Daniel's voice trailed off as he took in the other people in the room. "Oh. Sorry, wrong number."
"Daniel!" Jack reached over and grabbed Daniel by the shirt sleeve before he could flee. Daniel gave him a guarded look. "Be brave."
"Ah! Not a word," Jack said. He glared at everyone sternly. "Not a word. Not a thought. Not a suspicion, a supposition, a suggestion, an allusion, nay.not even a hint."
"We understand, sir," Sam said.
"Do you?" Jack shot back. "Because I'm not sure that you do. Even the suggestion that Daniel and I might be.you know.."
"Fucking?" Davis supplied. Then he slapped himself on the forehead while Jack nailed him with his eyes. "I can't believe I just said that."
"Neither can I," Janet said.
"O'Neill, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said, the gravity of his voice commanding attention. "We wish to apologize if we have made you uncomfortable. Rest assured that any supposition regarding your relationship has never gone beyond Major Carter, Dr. Fraiser, Major Davis and myself."
"Well, while that's just peachy," Jack began.
"Colonel, we obviously made a mistake about the extent of your relationship," Janet said. "It won't happen again."
"So you won't be speculating on what Daniel and I are doing the minute our backs are turned?" Jack asked sarcastically.
"No, sir," Sam said immediately. "You're friends. Our friends, and that's the end of it."
"For the recordI never believed a word of it," Davis said. "So as far as I'm concerned we're status quo."
"Okay. Good," Jack said, slightly mollified. He turned to Daniel. "Okay with you?"
"Fine. Good," Daniel agreed. "Can we go now?"
"Stay," Sam invited. "We've got beer, munchies.."
"No, I.I really do have some research I want to do," Daniel said.
"No offense but.no way," Jack said dryly.
"We're okay, though, right?" Sam asked.
"We'll be okay," Jack assured her, motioning Daniel toward the door. "Enjoy your evening. I'd say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but since you apparently think that I'll do just about anything.."
"Good night, Colonel," Janet said.
Jack tossed her a sardonic salute and closed the door behind him. Fraiser, Sam, Teal'c and Davis sat in silence for a moment after Jack and Daniel's departure.
"So," Janet said. "How long you figure before the colonel decides he has to get Daniel into bed?"
Davis groaned and pulled a sofa cushion over his head.
"Don't you think we're being a little hard on them?" Daniel asked.
"If it weren't for them we'd oh fuck Jack."
"Not yet," Jack said, gently squeezing Daniel's balls.
"Jack," Daniel said, trying to maintain a normal tone of voice. "They were trying to help."
"Um.." Jack muttered indistinctly. "That may be. But I'm telling you Fraiser gets off on the idea."
"She wants to watch, the perverted little power monger," Jack said with an approving nod.
"Well, judging by your reaction to that idea.."
"You don't like my reaction?"
"No, it's very.enthusiastic. I like enthusiasm."
"Shall we try a practical application of enthusiasm?" Jack asked.
"Page thirty-four?" Daniel suggested.
"I thought we were up to page fifty-seven?" Jack said.
"We are. But I'd like to research page thirty-four more fully."
"Never let it be said that I came between a man and his research."
Added 01 AUG 2005