Synopsis: if I know. How do you summarize the pointlessly bizarre? This is all the fault of Teand and Danvers. Blame them! I do.

Notes: The only pain and angst in this story are the readers'.

Warnings: Sex, violence, irrefutable proof of the author's insanity..

"Daniel. Daniel, come on. Wake up."

Daniel stirred groggily. He opened his eyes to see Jack's face just inches above him.


"Welcome back. Thought I'd lost you there."

"What? What happ...."

Looking around, Daniel noticed that his left arm was missing.

He screamed.

"Yeah— crappy luck there," Jack said matter-of-factly.

"M-m-my arm is gone!"

"Damn monster bit it right off," Jack agreed. "But Carter shot you up with a whole butt-full of morphine so you shouldn't feel a thing."

"No, I'm not in any pain," Daniel agreed. "However, I appear to be hemorrhaging to death."

"So you are," Jack said thoughtfully. His face brightened. He pulled his belt from his pants and fastened it around the stump of Daniel's arm. "There. That ought to take care of it."

"Yes, thank you," Daniel said, bewildered by the situation but believing, as always, that it never hurt to be polite.

"So, Daniel," Jack said, stretching out on the grassy ground alongside Daniel. "Chances are you aren't going to make it home, you know. In fact, you probably won't live long enough for us to get back to the gate."


"Afraid so. Aside from the blood loss and everything, Carter's pretty sure that monster was venomous."


Well, perhaps that explained the sense of surrealism Daniel was getting from the whole conversation.

"I will, of course, be devastated for days. Weeks even. Too devastated to go out looking for a willing piece of ass."

"Weeks?" Daniel said a little sharply.

"Probably. Certainly it'll be days. At least," Jack said.

"How horrible for you."

"Exactly!" Jack said, punching him in the shoulder. The one he still had. "So I thought we should probably have sex now. To get me through the official mourning period."

"Now?" Daniel said, squeaking in disbelief. Or maybe the squeak was a side effect of the venom.

"Well, I don't want to seem callous here but you don't really have any time but now," Jack pointed out.

"In that case, by all means, go ahead and fuck me."

"Knew you'd see it my way."

"Oh my god, Jack," Daniel moaned. "Oh yeah just like that oh my god!"

Daniel arched into the wet heat surrounding his cock and screamed.

"See? Told you it would work."

Daniel forced open his eyelids and waited for the multiple images dancing before his eyes to coalesce into one comprehensible one. The image turned out to be Jack licking a smear of semen from his lips.

"Yes, sir, but I still think smelling salts would have worked just fine."

Daniel turned his head and saw Sam and Teal'c sitting on the floor across the room. He looked back and saw Jack kneeling between his legs and his own still semi-erect cock weaving like a cobra, charmed by Jack for everyone to see.

Daniel screamed.

"Delayed reaction?" Jack asked, dragging himself slowly alongside Daniel's supine body.

"You gave me a blow job?"

"Well, he sure wasn't going to let anyone else do it," Sam said petulantly. "Apparently only the two of you get to have sex."

"Major Carter, I shall remember this method of resuscitation for the next time you are injured," Teal'c promised.

"I got a paper cut trying to read the damn operators manual for this piece of junk," Sam said hopefully.

"I shall begin first aid immediately."

Daniel squeaked as Sam spread her legs and Teal'c began...resuscitation.

"Yeah, it's a real pisser, isn't it?" Jack said, rubbing his groin against Daniel's hip.

Daniel was distracted from both Jack's humping and Teal'c's mouth to....

Daniel was pretty damn sure he didn't normally squeak. He tried to focus on why squeaking was so import.... With a gasp, Daniel turned his head to look at his left arm. It appeared to be properly attached to his body. He raised his hand and wiggled his fingers.

Jack raised his own hand and wiggled his fingers back at Daniel.

"I must have been dreaming...or hallucinating or something," Daniel said with a huge sigh of relief. "Some venomous monster had bitten my arm off and.... Why was I unconscious?"

"We hit a little turbulence and you kind of got thrown against the bulkhead," Jack explained. "Knocked you out cold."


Daniel looked more carefully at his surroundings and realized they were on some kind of Goa'uld ship.

"Yeah. Next time we steal a spaceship I'm going to insist that we check the warranty and the maintenance record first."


"Pffttt!" Jack snorted in disgust.

"That would be a yes?"

"You don't remember?"

"No. I thought I my arm had been ripped off and we were discussing sex and then I woke up and you were...."

Daniel flushed slightly. And wished that Sam would keep it down over there.

"Stolen ship, navigation thingy apparently bought second hand at Teltacs-R-Us, hurtling on a fixed course straight toward a star."


"Big star. Carter figures we should get a bull's eye."

From across the room, Sam yelled "Yes! Yes!" but Daniel didn't think she was confirming their trajectory.

"How long?" Daniel asked.

"Until we fry? Couple of hours."

"There's no way to stop this?"

"'Fraid not. Looks like this really is it, Daniel." Jack cupped Daniel's face gently. "I want you to know I love you."

"I'm touched. Really. But we only have a couple of hours to live--why aren't we having sex?"

"I was waiting for you to be conscious."

"No, you weren't."

"No, I wasn't —but that was only so you'd wake up and we could have mutually conscious sex."

"Well, what are you waiting for now? Strip now or I'm going over there to join Sam and Teal'c."

"Over my dead body!" Jack retorted as he ripped off his clothes.

"Could come to that," Daniel agreed, tearing off his own clothing and pinning Jack to the floor. "Sounds to me like Sam's had at least three orgasms. We've got some catching up to do."

"Wake up, Human."

Daniel's head jerked back as he was slapped into awareness.

"Whoa!" Daniel mumbled. "Weird fucking dream.... Did you just call me 'Human'?"

Daniel opened his eyes to see Apophis standing in front of him, sneering. Daniel himself was kneeling, held upright by some Jaffa's hand gripping his hair.

"Now we may resume the questioning," Apophis said, stepping back a few feet.

"Questioning?" Daniel asked.

Okay— so obviously he hadn't just been screwing Jack senseless on a stolen spaceship hurtling toward a sun. But he didn't remember being in the midst of having a tête-à-tête with Apophis either.

"You will tell me where the Harcesis is."

"No, I don't think I will."

Apophis snapped his fingers. Two Jaffa walked in carrying...Jack.

Daniel screamed.

"Tell me, and I will return your lover to you."

"What?" Daniel exclaimed.

He stared at Jack, who hung limply in the hands of the Jaffa. Jack, who, it turned out, was not wearing his BDUs as Daniel first thought. He was naked...and green.

"He's dead!"

"He is not dead," Apophis said.

"Is too! He's fucking putrid," Daniel said in horror. "He's...a former Jack. An ex-O'Neill. He's...yuck."

"He has not tolerated the questioning well, but I assure you— he stands before you alive."

"He's not standing," Daniel argued, starting to get a little pissed off. "The only reason he's upright is that you've got two Jaffa holding him there."

Apophis jerked his head sharply and one of the Jaffa released Jack. "You've still got one Jaffa holding him," Daniel said, exasperated.

Apophis jerked his head again and the Jaffa tried to sneakily move one hand to Jack's jaw and flap it open and closed.

"For crying out loud."

Daniel's eyes bugged out as Jack's jaw fell off.

"See— You heard him speak yourself," Apophis said to Daniel, ignoring the teeth bouncing across the floor.

"I saw your lips move!" Daniel shouted indignantly, his own jaw dropping almost as far as Jack's.

"He is fine."

"He's not fine!"

"I will have him placed in the sarcophagus. He will be healed."

"Even a sarcophagus can't heal that," Daniel said, waving violently at the corpse.

Just then, Jack's penis fell off and hit the floor with a sickening splat.

Daniel screamed.

Daniel screamed.


Daniel's eyes shot open. He stared blankly, his breathing ragged.

"Hey, stay with me here."

Daniel let his head loll to the side and saw Jack lying on the floor next to him. Jack still had his jaw. And he wasn't green.

"Fuck!" Daniel squeaked.

"Right now?" Jack asked.

", I...."

Daniel looked askance at Jack. Daniel shook his head to get his thoughts back on track.

"I was dreaming. Apophis was questioning me and you were dead and your dick fell off."

"Sounds more like a nightmare to me," Jack said.

"Thank God I'm here," Daniel said fervently.

"You may wish to hold your gratitude in reserve, Daniel Jackson."

Daniel turned his head the other direction and saw Sam and Teal'c both slumped against the wall.

"Okay...why?" Daniel asked, slowly dragging himself to a sitting position.

The effort exhausted him and he understood why Sam and Teal'c were both using the wall to remain upright.

"Alien trap, airtight chamber, no way out," Jack said breathlessly.

"Oh," Daniel said, sliding down the wall onto his back again. "Damn it."

"Exactly," Jack said, dragging himself onto Daniel. "So what do you say we have wild monkey sex?"

"We barely have enough oxygen to remain conscious, sir. There's no way you're capable of having sex."

"Hey!" Jack protested. "I got more hormones than a platoon of marines."

Jack looked down at his groin. Daniel's gaze followed.

"Little guy's already primed for action."

Sam snorted.

"Jealous?" Jack taunted.

Daniel wished Jack would shut up and save his energy for more constructive purposes.

"In your dreams, Colonel," Sam shot back. "Trust me; I don't want your dick. Or anyone else's. Not unless it's detachable."

All three men cupped their genitals and said "Ew!"

"Oh, get over it," Sam snapped, just before passing out from lack of oxygen.

"Carter sure knows how to kill the mood," Jack complained.

"Get over it?" Daniel demanded. "We've probably only got an hour to live...."

"I estimate you have only fifteen to twenty minutes left," Teal'c announced.

"Thanks for the update," Daniel sniped.

"Five minutes if you insist on fornicating."

"Ten if you start kel-no-reeming and stop sucking up all the oxygen," Jack pointed out.

Teal'c sniffed disdainfully and went into a trance.

"Ten?" Daniel panted.

He gave up on trying get Jack's shirt off and decided to concentrate his limited energy on getting to Jack's dick.

"Split the difference and say 7½," Jack wheezed.

"Can we do it?" Daniel asked.

He was somewhat concerned by the fact that he couldn't even raise his head anymore. He hoped that Jack's platoon of hormones were anaerobic so Daniel could just lay back and let Jack do the work.

"We have to," Jack insisted, forcing his head up far enough to look Daniel in the eye. "It'll be our last act of love. Damn it, Daniel, we have to fuck."

"I'm not arguing," Daniel said. "I'm just saying I don't think I can move."

"Not a problem." Jack pushed himself up...and promptly collapsed unconscious across Daniel's body.

Daniel screamed.

"Jeezus, Daniel! Wake up!"

Daniel shot up in bed, gasping and sweaty. He flinched away from Jack's touch and looked around, his eyes wild.

"Daniel, settle down. You were dreaming."

"Duh!" Daniel snapped. "Every time you wake me up I'm in another fucking nightmare. Do not wake me up again. I don't care if the monster ate my arm or your dick fell off or we're crashing into a sun— do not wake me! Ever. And I'm never watching Monty Python with you again."

Daniel turned and threw himself back down on the bed.

"Oh, and another thing," Daniel snapped as he pulled the covers over his head. "Do not let Sam near my cock. Or yours. If she wants a detachable model she can take it up with Siler."

Jack sat frozen, a perplexed expression on his face, as Daniel almost immediately fell back asleep. Jack tried to find some sort of logic to Daniel's outburst as he listened to Daniel's breathing ease into a gentle snore.

With a sigh, Jack pulled a small notebook from the bedside table. He flipped open to a page labeled Things Daniel should never eat before bed. Jack reluctantly added guacamole to the list.

It was a shame, really. Covering his cock in food and waving it in front of Daniel was sometimes the only way to get the little shit to eat.

The End

Disclaimer: The SGC and its employees are not the property of the author. And in this case, they're pretty damn happy about that. This story written purely for entertainment purposes and with no intent to infringe on the rights of others.

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