Dear Daniel,
Well, for once, I'm not writing. I'm dictating. Found your small tape recorder with stuff in my desk, the locked side where I put my journal when I bring it to work. Do that every day, of course, as I never know when I'll get stuck here for a few days. Right now, I'm cleaning out my desk before I go home and get some shut-eye. SG-1's on standdown for a while because Teal'c's in the infirmary, along with Bra'tac. They'd been missing a few days and now that they're back, they'll be in the infirmary a few days more under observation by Fraiser. Right now, I believe Jonas is still sitting with them - or more specifically, Teal'c. They've developed an interesting bond. Never thought it possible but I can understand it. Jonas feels like an outsider, just like Teal'c did. Still does, I think. I don't know. I can't help but feel guilty sometimes. I don't mean to alienate either of them, nor make it so obvious that they don't know Earth stuff. Guess it's just me and the way I relate to people. I don't talk down or assume they don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, if they don't get something, they should ask, right?
Well, anyway. I don't think I need to explain why Teal'c's in the infirmary, do I? You know what was going on, don't you? There's no way, in my opinion, that he and Bra'tac survived for three days just on Junior. I know you helped. Something just tells me that. T won't talk about it, though. You know how he is about letting his feelings out. There're times when it looks like he's about to spill something, then clams up, as if he's afraid of being laughed at. I'd never laugh at him. Too many times I could have, but didn't. The guy should know that by now, wouldn't you think? We all made it pretty bad for him when we didn't laugh at his Jaffa joke that one time, so I guess maybe he's a little leery of letting serious stuff out. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I'm quite certain that...
Goddamn it! Shit! I hate fucking papercuts.
Now what was I...oh yeah. The more I think about it, the more sure I am that Teal'c will wait till I say something about what happened before he'll put in his five cents' worth. Maybe it's safer, I don't know.
Papercuts. I hate fucking papercuts. Gonna set this recorder down for a sec.
Ssssssssssssssssssshit! That stung. Stupid iodine. You know, with all our medical breakthroughs, you'd think they'd invent -- or hand out to the public, anyway -- the stuff that does NOT turn your goddamn skin orange. Now I need a bandaid just to cover that up. Otherwise, Carter will see it and say something completely stupid like, "Your finger's orange, sir."
God, why is there so much shit on my desk? I hate paperwork. The more I'm inundated with it, the more I hate it. And with my luck, they'll give me a desk job when this is all over with and I'll accept it. Like a stupid idiot. With all the stuff that we do on computer now, it seems redundant to put things on paper. Course, by the time I get promoted to anything, maybe they'll have done away with using paper.
Except for your journal. And mine. I'm gonna tape this cassette to the page after my last journal entry. It'll look funny, but hey, who the hell's gonna see this except for me? I won't dare listen to this when I'm done as I'm afraid I'll want to record over it or erase it all together out of embarrassment. But this recorder is really handy. Able to talk and do stuff at the same time. Ahem! Like clearing off my desk, Daniel, not the other...
Although there's a kinky thought. And so tempting, but maybe I'll pass on that one. God knows I don't need to hear myself doing that. Though I said I wouldn't relisten to this tape, didn't I? Hmmmmmm. Okay. On the other hand...
...no pun intended, I think. I'll give it some thought.
So, Teal'c without Junior. There's a really weird thought. I'm gonna have to get used to that idea. Find it kind of strange that while I'm glad he doesn't have the snake anymore, he's now dependent on something else to keep him alive. Six one way, half a dozen the other. Fraiser said he'll lose most of the advantages the snake gave him, and there's the rub, isn't it? Get a new snake every seven or eight years, and then hope he can get another one, or depend on our ability to make tretonin. Guess it's like being dependent on insulin, isn't it? Frankly, I'm glad he doesn't have to worry about that snake. His wife died because she wouldn't take another Jaffa's snake. Didn't really occur to me that they'd have to do that. Shame.
So, apparently the temples where they used to house the infant snakes haven't been in operation for a while. Didn't know that. Teal'c said it's likely that they started hiding them after you went and did your Rambo thing on Chulak nearly six years ago. Jesus, time flies. Doesn't seem like six years.
You know, I remember being completely at a loss when Carter told me what you'd done with her M16. I have to admit, Daniel. Though I didn't tell you at the time, the picture of you doing that got me hard. Seriously hard. The idea of you going alpha seriously made my blood run south, like inevitable gravity or something. Gave me goosebumps, and back then, they were those 'new' kind of goosebumps, you know? The kind that one gets from a new relationship, like ours was.
Though I didn't even think we'd really be doing anything again. I kept thinking that it was a one off, you know? That it was just something that we'd done to soothe each other. Afterward, we just kept going as if nothing happened, working, laughing once in a while, teasing most of the time, and non-sexually, too, which had me a little confused, because I couldn't pretend to myself that nothing happened. I didn't show it, but I was feeling it. Truthfully, my um, need for you was getting stronger, even though we hadn't been together except for those couple of days. All I could think about between that time and the time we thought you died on Nem's planet, was what had happened and how good it was. How good it felt.
After you came home, it gave me a bit of perspective. Something I hadn't thought about until then. Damn but you were pissed off that we'd moved your stuff. I know we hadn't planned on it. I gave up on it a couple of times. But...
Funny how that sort of made me want you even more. And it scared me. It's why I couldn't seem to find the words when we were unpacking your stuff at your new loft. Made you mad. You hate it, hated it, when I wouldn't talk.
But we managed, didn't we?
I'll never forget the first times. They seem to be permanently burned into my head. The first time I came down your throat, the first time you came down mine. The first time I felt myself inside you and then you inside me.
Guess I should watch what I'm saying, considering where I am. The door may be closed, but I don't trust the acoustics of this place. Concrete can carry sound big time.
Shit. Someone's at the door. I'll continue this later.
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Dear Daniel,
Still recording. It's a little easier. And I'm banged up again. Had to stop recording because we got a report from SG-15 about this one planet. So we saved another planet from yet another Goa'uld. This time, though, it was done with a little weird help.
Jonas started having these...visions. Fraiser did an exam and found a brain tumor. She said that it must've been Nirrti's doing when she put him through that machine a coupla months back. Anyway, she assisted in operating on him (called in a woman specialist to operate). He's okay now. I actually found myself telling him that we could now take that trip to Reno. Reno? I have no idea why I said that. Carter told me later that Jonas was struck dumb that I'd said it. Don't blame him. So was I. What's weirder is that I actually meant it.
So, that's all that has been happening lately. At work. I'm at home right now, in my spare room. I have some of your stuff stashed in here. About six boxes. I have no idea why I put them in here. Okay, maybe I do. I'm not gonna say that it's because I want part of you with me because that sounds stupid and hokey. Doesn't it? I dunno. I think if Carter and Teal'c saw the stuff, they'd kinda freak on me. Or laugh at me. Or look at me like I need a straightjacket. I know I would. I think.
I know going through your stuff sounds kind of violating but hey, if you object, come back and kick my ass, 'kay? Go ahead. I dare ya.
So I'm going through this box, the one where you kept a lot of your personal memorabilia, and I find two things I didn't know you had. One is that pic that Carter had taken from that planet where we'd had that hooch and Carter started doing that strip tease on that fallen tree log next to the fire. She'd grabbed your camera (this was long before you started using that vid cam) and taken a pic of you and me laughing. Remember that pic? It was of the two of us before we'd gotten together that first time. We were sitting next to each other, holding those colored goblets made of ceramic, decorated with scrolling designs, and filled with that noxious stuff those people made (and we drank anyway because you said it was only polite). We were sitting very close, shoulders and legs touching, and you were looking me while I was looking down at the ground.
I was surprised that you kept that pic, Daniel. You said you'd destroyed it because you didn't like that *gushy* look on your face. Little devil. For all your protestations, you actually liked that pic, didn't you? I have to admit, I like it. So I stuck it in a frame and set it on top of the mantle over the fireplace. Next to the others.
Looking back, that mission was one of our better, and funnier, ones, as nothing happened except the three of us got wasted while Teal'c glowered over us, giving us that disapproving frown the entire time. That still makes me smile. The man's lightened up a lot since then. Is he still a Jaffa? Even without the snake? I dunno.
Anyway, the other thing in this box was sort of out of place. A comb, carved ornately, made of bone. I have no idea why I'd packed it in this box. Should've gone in the box with all your other artifacts. I never really paid attention to some of the stuff you kept from our missions. The ones which the SGC or the Pentagon didn't feel were worth keeping locked up, that is.
I'm holding it and I suddenly remembered part of that mission. The part where you'd found that comb. You'd been digging around while Carter went off to measure mineral deposits or something. "Jack, I think I found something," you'd said. You were always saying that and I learned to dread it when you did. Didn't always pan out as good news, you know? But when you'd found this comb, brushing it off and examining it, you looked so excited about it. "It's a comb," you'd said. I thought that was worth a passing nod, and probably a yawn. But you, no way. You saw a whole societal structure just from that comb.
Guess I got an idea what it was like to be you when I was stuck on that moon with Harry. Although the only reason I tried to figure out what had happened to those utopians was more out of self-preservation than any desire to know for simple anthropological reasons. Still, I kinda got an idea what it was like to be you. I did mention that before, didn't I? Well, I'm too lazy to go back and reread what I wrote in this journal. Point is, looking at this comb made me remember just how much you loved doing that science and language stuff.
And maybe why you stopped loving your job because we--you--didn't get to do that stuff anymore. Not for the reasons you wanted to, anyway. We'd find something cool and it'd be taken away from you and handed to another team for a short time before Hammond and the Pentagon would lose interest and stop researching.
I'm always trying to understand why you left, and I think maybe that's part of it, isn't it? You always said you wanted to make a difference. But as part of SG-1, you weren't really making the kind of difference you thought you should be making, were you? Not as a scientist anyway. I'm guessing. I have no idea why you were so dissatisfied. Can't really think that I was worth staying for, hanging around for. After all, a lover isn't a good enough reason to build a life around, is it? I'm sorry I wasn't able to get you what you wanted.
God, this is depressing. I'm stopping this crap right now.
Later, Daniel.