The Feisty Daniel Appreciation Society


'The Scruff Guide to the 'Gaterverse'

This all began when Julia mentioned The Tough Guide to Fantasyland* This is a cracking good read which neatly skewers all the clichés you're likely to encounter if you read much fantasy fiction. So naturally we fell to discussing the potential for a glossary of Stargate clichés and posted random entries on F.D.A.S. for The Guide. This is it.

It is written as a guide book for travellers taking a touring holiday through the Stargate, the S.G.C. having taken to running said tours to balance the budget. It was considered likely to be more profitable than O'Neill's bake sale.

It is a work-in-progress, i.e. we hope to add new entries when inspiration strikes us. Entries are welcome from anyone who would like to contribute in the spirit of The Guide. The perpetrators contributors are indicated by initials at the end of each entry with a key to same at the end.


The Management (Official Term), a.k.a. The Powers The Be, a.k.a. The Wankers In Charge, are running Tours through The Stargate . This almost magical artefact will take The Tourist to any one of, possibly, millions of other Planets. Unfortunately, The Management is too timid to venture taking Tours to more that a handful of these worlds. However, The Tourist may leave the beaten track at any time and go to Any Other Planet.

The Tourist is warned that Any Other Planet, being unknown to The Management, may be Very Dangerous (Official Term). It is essential that The Tourist carries a GDO or Garage Door Opener on his or her person at all times otherwise it may be Impossible to Return. Any attempt to return without inputting the GDO code will result in The Tourist being SATIed, or Squished Against The Iris. This is a Terminal State.

Should this sad event occur, The Management will inform The Tourist's next of kin that No One Ever Dies in Sci-fi (Official Term) and that he or she is bound to turn up again sooner or later, either in another universe or several years earlier. This is a Get-Out-Clause (Official Term) to avoid legal action by The Tourist's next of kin.

N.B. The Tourist is strongly advised to read the SMALL PRINT in the contract Very, Very Carefully.
All 1,395 pages of it. ...................................................................................................................[The Editor]

Volume 1: A - K


ALIEN ALLIES: These exist primarily to not lend assistance when asked. They will often appear and request aid from The Tau'ri, but are generally too busy with their own concerns when the Tau'ri have need of them. Alien Allies are almost impossible to contact on demand. They have either moved without a forwarding address, buried or otherwise disabled their 'gate, live too far to contact without access to a ZPM, have been overrun by The Enemy, are on another plain of existence or any combination of the above. The only Alien Allies that can be easily contacted are those who are too low-tech to be of any use in a Dire Emergency (Official Term).

Note: There are some easily contacted, low-tech Alien Allies who have the ability to provide assistance in specific cases. However, their existence is, apparently, intermittent since The Management seems to be unable to recall them on demand. See Cimmeria and Thor's Hammer Official Tour. [ T.J. ]


BLOWING SHIT UP: (Official Term) From time to time your Tour may become dull, boring or lacking in direction. At such time, it is advisable to select a target and blow it up. While it may not achieve any of the primary goals of your Tour, it will keep at least three of your Companions from getting twitchy. [ T.J. ]


COMPANIONS: These will generally be selected for you by The Management. If, however, you whine loudly enough, you may be able to include the Attractive Brilliant Civilian (male) and the Stalwart Alien Turncoat (male) instead of the two Red Shirts most Tourists are saddled with. Retain the default Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist (female). See notes below.

Both additions will be frowned on by The Management, but will increase your odds of a successful Tour by a factor of ten. Note that if the Attractive Brilliant Civilian has lovely Blue Eyes, your odds of creating Necessary Diversions (Official Term) during your Tour increase to near 100%. Even Mercenary Bounty Hunters have been known to be distracted by The Eyes and left susceptible to the impassioned speech and self-sacrificing actions of the Stalwart Alien Turncoat thus ensuring The Tourist's survival.

NOTE: Companions are required for successful Tours, but be forewarned, each comes with a flare for danger unique to their own personal idiom.

The Attractive Brilliant Civilian has trouble with impulse control. It will be necessary to reign him in on occasion. You will fail. Fortunately, he will likely be able to get you out of more trouble than he gets you into. A shot from The Eyes will likely make you forget how much trouble that was, though. Just give it up now. You're toast.

Also, if you are female, do not ever have sex with the Attractive Brilliant Civilian. You will immediately become the top rated Host-With-The-Most on the Goa'uld Prospective Host Registry. If you are male, the worst that will happen is temporarily hosting a cantankerous Tok'ra with questionable taste in women and situational ethics. (Please see the SMALL PRINTrelated to Risks of Imprisonment.)

The Stalwart Alien Turncoat will, on occasion, feel the urge to indulge in A Jaffa Revenge Thing (Official Term). Usually, this is A Good and Useful Thing since his enemies are your enemies, but occasionally, he remembers that he was once your enemy and decides to take revenge on himself. This must not be allowed.

If you allow the Stalwart Alien Turncoat to do himself an injury, the Attractive Brilliant Civilian and the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist will pine and sulk and make your life a living hell. You must therefore find a way to save the Stalwart Alien Turncoat from himself without also sacrificing his honor, your honor, your other Companions' honor, the honor of your world or the honor of anyone anywhere that you or anyone you know may have ever encountered.

If you are lucky, An Enemy that everyone hates more than you will show up and by all fighting said Enemy together, honor will be served and the Stalwart Alien Turncoat will be saved. If not, please read the SMALL PRINT for a list of liabilities and disclosures.

The Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist will never believe anything is possible even while it is actually happening. She will, however, with the contents of her pack and whatever she finds on the forest floor be able to interface her Dell laptop with any Alien Technology no matter how advanced or retrograde. This is a quite useful skill despite her continuing rejection of reality because it's 'impossible'. (The Authors are still puzzled by this seeming contradiction in a scientist, but prefer not to dwell.)

She also has a disconcerting habit of falling for Alien Men who then end up dead or ascended or both. On the plus side, before their deaths or ascensions, the Alien Men often sacrifice themselves so she, and thus you and your other Companions, may live. The evolutionary impact of this fascinating phenomenon is unclear given that none of them have yet lived long enough for the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist to breed.

In any event, should this Companions turn to you with her Doe-eyes of Death (Official Term), run, don't walk, to the Attractive Brilliant Civilian's office and HIDE! The Eyes will always save you from the Doe-eyes of Death. [ T.J. ]

COMPANIONS - ADDITIONAL: The Management will occasionally impose other Companions on The Tour. These may either be a supernumerary or a not-replacement for a not-dead Attractive Brilliant Civilian. These include, in the first category, the Sultry Alien Trickster (female), and in the latter, the Grinning Alien Thief (male). If either of these is included in your party, keep a very close eye on your belongings.

Depending on who is leading the Tour, you may be able to dispense with the Grinning Alien Thief by protesting in the loudest and snarkiest terms. The Dauntless Sarcastic Leader mark II (Veteran) will hear you and back your objections to the hilt. If the Sultry Alien Trickster is included in your party - or even if she isn't, but has a fancy to join it - give up and accept it with a good grace. She will go anyway, so save yourself the hassle. [ A. ]


DEATH: Thanks to The Management's familiarity with the Deus ex Machina device, Getting The Tourist Home Safely (Official Term) is not normally a problem for either The Tourist or the Companions. There are, of course, a number of exceptions to this:

Males, both human and alien, who find themselves irresistibly drawn by the gonads to the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist are in constant danger of being blown up, shot, institutionalized, or abducted by aliens and never seen again in this universe. The Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist is not known as 'The Black Widow' for nothing. Remember this, and keep your dicks in your pants, guys, especially if she turns the Doe-eyes of Death on you.

Human females who become very close to the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist are also in danger, especially if they have medical training and a vast and irreplaceable store of knowledge and experience in alien drugs, diseases and mind-whammies. If this describes you, we strongly advise against taking a tour. You probably can't afford the insurance anyway.

Furthermore, The Tourist is strongly recommended to avoid standing within a thirty foot range of the Attractive Brilliant Civilian. It is also advisable to include in the luggage a portable lead screen. These can be booked in advance by contacting Master Sergeant Norman/Walter Davis/Harriman who will liaise with the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist.

(Unfortunately, despite his deliciousness - or because of it - Attractive Brilliant Civilian is a magnet for staff weapon blasts, out-of-control spaceships, idiots with radioactive devices, and alien gadgetry that looks like the Brilliant Blonde strophysicist - but isn't.) [ A. ]

DEUS EX MACHINA: This is The Management's most favored method of Getting The Tourist Home Safely (Official Term) should the worst come to the worst. When there is absolutely NO hope of escape or rescue, and Death is unavoidable, the Deus ex Machina device will be activated.

The effects of this device take many forms, but the one most popular with The Management is to rearrange the schedules of one or other of the various Alien Allies. While these normally follow a non-interventionist policy and/or are reluctant to give any useful assistance, they will, against all the odds, just happen to be in the right part of the universe in time to whisk the party out of danger. [ A. ]

DIRE EMERGENCY: This is, in effect, whenever the services of SG-1 are required. No other team is capable of resolving a Dire Emergency and any attempt to do so will result in the loss of the whole damn' planet and possibly the galaxy. SG-1 may, if deemed necessary, enlist the aid of The Doctor (No, Dale, we don't mean Doctor Who? - Ed.) and or a Master Sergeant and or the Wise Jaffa Teacher. If the Dire Emergency is Earth-based, The General and The Pentagon Liaison may also be called upon. [ T.J. ]

E, F, G, H, I


JAFFA: Contrary to what the tourist may surmise, these alien warriors have no connection with the Israeli port of Jaffa, nor Jaffa oranges nor yet Jaffa Cakes. In fact, the name is pronounced J'ffar or occasionally Jaarffuh. These troops of the Despotic System Lords (Official Term)are used for keeping slaves and peasants in order. They are quite effective at this as they are, in general, large and well armored, and carry Staff Weapons.

Their accuracy in hitting their targets is variable in keeping with the requirements of the tour. Nonessential peasants may be seriously injured or killed in order to show that the Jaffa are Totally Mean Dudes (Official Term) and to put a scare into peasants and members of the touring party alike. Otherwise, if a Companion or Tourist is the target, they need to be within six feet to have any hope of hitting it.

It is totally possible to avoid getting in the line of fire, as the Wise Jaffa Teacher wisely forbore to teach them any concept of stealth. They can therefore be heard long before they appear leaving plenty of time to take evasive action.

Not all Jaffa work for the Despotic System Lords. Under the influence of the Stalwart Alien Turncoat and the Wise Jaffa Teacher, many have rebelled and now belong to The Free Jaffa (Official Term). This has not led them to be any more willing lend assistance when asked by the Tau'ri than any other Alien Allies. [ A. ]


The guilty parties authors

T.J.=Tejas Julia; A=Alphekka

*The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones. ISBN 0 575 60106 X

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