'The Scruff Guide to the 'Gaterverse'

Volume 2: L - Z


LEADERS: The Tourist will have several options, depending on the date of your Tour. Book early and you may get the Dauntless Sarcastic Leader (male). He is available in two alternatives. The earlier mark I model is highly intelligent with a quirky sense of humor, and will guarantee to get you home or die in the attempt. As he is in league with The Management, he will not die and you will get home, if a little the worse for wear.

The mark II (veteran) model is slightly problematic. While the earlier model will pretend to be dumb for the confusion of enemies and will subject them to heavy sarcasm, the mark II may treat Companions (and Tourists) in the same manner. If he has access to C4, which he usually does, do NOT get between him and his objective. When heavily focused on the Tour's mission, this may override his Getting The Tourist Home Safely function.

Tourists who take later tours are more likely to come under the aegis of the Cheerful Young Leader. Less experienced, particularly with the established Companions, he is more fun than the Dauntless Sarcastic Leader mark II (veteran). His inexperience makes him a soft touch for Wind-up Merchants (Official Term) He will walk blithely into any humorous traps you set for him and take them all in good part. His record in Getting The Tourist Home Safely (Official Term) is very good however, so the Tourist need not worry overmuch about his naïvety adversely affecting his command.

On a few occasions, the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist may lead a Tour. See under Companions for details and caveats. [ A. ]

M, N, 0


THE PLAN: Also known as Plan A. The 'Gaterverse is living proof of what Prussian general Helmuth von Moltke said, "No battle plan survives first contact with the enemy." No matter how much time, effort and ingenuity went into planning an Excursion, it will fail and Plan B will be required. Plan B is often developed on the fly, on the run and while dodging staff blasts. Plan B always works. [ T.J. ]


QUANTUM MIRROR: Despite having an artefact that can take The Tourist to more worlds than you can shake a stick at, The Management occasionally runs Tours using other modes of transport such as Spaceships, or a Quantum Mirror. The authors regard this as a particularly bold move by the normally chickenhearted Management. Once A Tour has gone through the Quantum Mirror, getting back again appears to be down to guesswork and trial and error. This is potentially a serious hazard if members of The Tour are coming in hot. [ A. ]



STAFF WEAPONS: These extremely Phallic Symbols (Official Term) are the main weapon of choice for Jaffa and also for the Stalwart Alien Turncoat. Although The Management have made no reference to any means of controlling the power output of this weapon, it nevertheless functions on a variety of damage capabilities. This variation depends on the requirements of The Tour.

In the hands of one of the Companions such as the Dauntless Sarcastic Leader mark I, for instance, it will blow a hole in a castle wall big enough for escaping prisoners to walk through without bending double.

Its principal function is to create terror in those taking A Tour. There is no need to fear this weapon however, as in the hands of an enemy Jaffa, it will merely singe any member of the tour who is clumsy enough to get in the way of a staff blast. If this is the Grinning Alien Thief, he will make a real song and dance about it and invest the injury with great significance. [ A. ]

SPACESHIPS: Rather surprisingly, these are not generally Phallic Symbols (Official Term), or if they are, The Management must have extremely oddly shaped dicks and the authors would prefer not to speculate about that! Spaceships, like Weapons , have variable specifications, dependant on the requirements of The Tour. They fall neatly into three groups - Alien Allies' ships, Alien Enemies' ships and Tau'ri ships.

a) Alien Allies ships: Of all the aliens known to the Tau'ri, the Asgard make most use of interstellar ships. These are usually cloaked and can travel unbelievable distances at unbelievable speeds. They can be used by The Management to extricate the Companions (and Tourists if they are lucky) from apparently inextricable plights. [See Dire Emergency, Death, and Deus ex Machina.]

b) Alien Enemies' ships: These come in a variety of types of attack and transport vessels. In the hands of the Companions, these can far exceed the Enemies' specs. For instance, with the input of the inspirational Attractive Brilliant Civilian and the Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist a clapped-out cargo ship (an insurance write-off), can not only fly again but develop enough power to accelerate both itself and an attached 85 mile long naquadah-enhanced asteroid up to hyperspace velocity, then enhance the surrounding force field for long enough to fly both through the center of the Earth. Magic!

c) Tau'ri ships: In another universe, someone at Kittyhawk gave the Wright Brothers three hundred dollars and the blueprints for Concorde. They were told to build this airplane in a matter of weeks and to prevent the project becoming known to the public at large. They secretly built their first Concorde by the due date, modified with attack capabilities, and well under budget. It is from this universe that The Management acquired the Tau'ri ships. Sadly, they were unable to afford the sleak up-market model and were obliged to settle for reconditioned ex-Reaver ships from the Whedon Corporation. [ A. ]

T, U, V


WRENCH: these Phallic Symbols (Official Term) come in several sizes - large, extra-large, enormous and ohmygod! In normal usage, Wrenches are carried as items of male display. They are occasionally put to more practical use when The Stargate Malfunctions (Official Term). That is, when The Stargate throws out bigger clouds of steam than usual, along with masses of attractive multi-colored sparks. In this case, the Wrench is used by one of the Technical Staff who poses with the Wrench at the top of a larger erect Phallic Symbol a.k.a. a ladder. [ A. ]

X, Y


ZAT'NI'KATEL (a.k.a. Zat'nik'tel, Zatn'kitel, Zat'n'ktel, Zat'nik'katel, or Zat): The Authors will use the Tau'ri shortened version for the sake of their sanity. Urban legend holds that the only reason the Tau'ri succeed so regularly against the Despotic System Lords is due to their concise communication of ideas. The Authors have no comment on this matter.

The Zat falls into the following categories of Useful Object (Official Term): Weapon, All Purpose Tool (Official Term) and Phallic Object (Official Term).

As a Weapon, it can be used to stun, kill and or disintegrate. One shot stuns and or renders most subjects unconscious for a variable period of time depending on the needs of the Tour. Two shots kill most subjects, though there have been no studies to determine the time frame the second shot must occur in. The third shot disintegrates the subject as well as Specific Objects (Official Term).

Note that nothing not intended to be hit by the blasts will be affected, with humans being the sole expectation. If the intended target is in proximity to a human, the human may also be affected to some degree. The Brilliant Blonde Astrophysicist is the only known person capable of causing a Zat blast to ricochet.

As an All Purpose Tool (Official Term), a Zat can fuse a lock, open a lock, destroy Crystals (Official Term), enhance the power of Crystals (Official Term), shut down Ancient Technology (Official Term) and generally provide for the immediate needs of the Tour. As a Phallic Object (Official Term) Zats vary from most Phallic Objects in that they do not represent overall male potency, but rather serve as a more sensual metaphor for sexuality. (See the Official Tour : Endgame for an example of this usage.) [ T.J. ]

The guilty parties authors

T.J.=Tejas Julia; A=Alphekka

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