The Adventures of the Team Through the Stargate:
as it was, is now and as it should be...

as perceived from Across The Pond by Min, the Merciless.

Please note: This is a personal opinion only.

Credits...? Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate Productions, Sci Fi Channel, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.

They get the big bucks. It's only fair they get the flak too.

First Chapter: Setting the Scene

In the beginning was The Stargate, created by two 'Ancients', Gods of the Silver Screen. Then came Catherine Langford whose Manifest Destiny was bound up with The Stargate, which had been rediscovered on the Giza Plateau in 1928. She it was who recruited Doctor Daniel Jackson, The First Hero.

This archaeologist and linguist was a man of Boundless Curiosity - a Gentle Spirit with the heart of a lion and absolutely no sense of self-preservation. In two weeks, this inspirational genius figured out how to make The Stargate work when other experts had worked for two years and failed.

In anticipation of Daniel's success, The Second Hero was brought in - Colonel Jack O'Neil, a Protective Leader who was now a dead man walking for whom a moment's inattention had caused the death of his beloved son. With, as he thought, nothing to live for, he accepted a mission to destroy The Stargate on the world at the other end of the wormhole.

But he and his team, which included The First Hero, found people living on the planet - friendly people, whose leader, Kasuf, gave Daniel the gift of his daughter, Sha'uri, as his wife. There was also an ancient evil, Ra, who had enslaved the people of Abydos, which was the name of that other world.

Working together, Jack and Daniel developed a Mutual Respect and Friendship. Jack learned that just because he was a civilian, Daniel was no weak link, and Daniel came to see that, under the military uniform, Jack was still just a man doing his best after soul-destroying circumstances.

After his loss, Jack had given up on himself, but not on his men, to whose well-being he remained dedicated. Then Daniel saved his life. Later, minutes from being blown up, Daniel restored Sha'uri to life, showing that life is worth the effort of living.

Finally, when Ra was destroyed, the two went their separate ways. Jack returned to Earth and Daniel remained on Abydos with his new wife. The Ancients then departed.

Here endeth The First Chapter.

Second Chapter: Early Development

Two other Gods saw 'The Stargate' and saw that it was good. After some time had passed they decided to take The Stargate out of mothballs deep below Cheyenne Mountain and begin some new adventures, for they knew in their minds that The Stargate could link to other Stargates on many other worlds.

To spur the people of Earth into action, they sent Apophis, an evil 'false god' like Ra, and his Jaffa guards through The Stargate. They carried off a beautiful young airwoman, killing her companions on guard duty. Responding to the clarion call, Major General George Hammond, Leader of the S.G.C., recalled The Second Hero, Colonel Jack O'Neill (retired).

Once it was established that The First Hero was still living on Abydos and had unburied the 'Gate, Colonel O'Neill gathered a team to return through The Stargate on mission to rescue the missing woman. His team included The Third Hero Captain Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysics).

Captain Carter, Enthusiastic and Charming, was a highly intelligent professional thirty-something, dedicated to her work despite setbacks resulting from her gender. Hardly surprisingly, she was initially a little touchy, perhaps fearing that again she would be judged on her looks rather than her abilities.

The reunion on Abydos was a joyful occasion, and it was sibling love at first sight between First and Third Heroes. But disaster was soon to follow. While Daniel was excitedly showing the visitors his discovery that there were many Stargates throughout the galaxy, Apophis came through the Abydos 'Gate. His men abducted Sha're and Skaara, her brother. This latter was a favourite with O'Neill, who saw him as a surrogate son.

This strengthened The Bond of Friendship between First and Second Heroes. Now both had lost a loved one through their own actions. Jack brought the distraught Daniel back to Stargate Command where he demanded to be part of the rescue mission. During the evening, while a homeless Daniel stayed with Jack, they had a further bonding session over a beer, discussing their absent wives.

The rescue mission took them to a world called Chulak, where was Apophis's stronghold. They were captured and imprisoned in a dungeon there, along with Skaara. Sha're had already been chosen as a host by Ammonet, Apophis's queen. Apophis and Ammonet/Sha're arrived with other goa'uld to choose hosts. Skaara was one of those chosen, then Apophis ordered his Chief Jaffa, or First Prime, to kill the rest.

But O'Neill had already engaged the attention of the First Prime who had long sought A Better Way. He felt that O'Neill could provide this and so helped to free all the captives. Thus the S.G.C. acquired The Fourth Hero, Teal'c. He was a Mighty Warrior of indomitable spirit, a leader of men, staunch friend but bitter enemy. It's A Jaffa Revenge Thing...

Thus The Four Heroes were united in The Team and so endeth The Second Chapter.

Third Chapter: The Halcyon Years

For the next three years, The Team, now known as S.G.-1, travelled the galaxy by way of The Stargate System. They met descendants of people who had left Earth millennia ago such as Gairwyn and her people, the Cimmerians. Through them, O'Neill and Teal'c encountered an Unas which one of the first hosts of the goa'uld, the snake-like parasites who set themselves up as gods. They also learned of the Asgard, a race of technologically advanced beings. They also Cocked Things Up...

The Team encountered bizarre 'life' forms such as the Crystal Unity, crystalline beings which could mimic human form, nebulous 'giant aliens', and 'transphase' insect-like creatures. They travelled back through time courtesy of a solar flare. Daniel visited an alternative universe via a 'Quantum Mirror'. Alternative versions of some of the team visited the S.G.C., and they themselves had androids created in their likeness.

The Team met a number of other goa'uld 'System Lords' - Cronus, Nirrti and Yu - and wiped out others - Hathor and Seth. They also met more of the higher races who regarded the Earthlings as primitive, or at best 'young', and who declined to trust the humans with their advanced technology lest they use it destroy all life upon the planet. The best that was achieved was that the Asgard brokered an agreement with the System Lords to include Earth in their Protected Planets Treaty.

Then there were the Tok'ra., a race akin to the goa'uld but who only took willing humans as hosts and shared a symbiotic relationship with them. This was not obvious in the beginning as one, Jolinar, temporarily took Samantha - now Major Carter - as a host against her will. Through residual memories of Jolinar, who died to save her life, Sam learnt much about the Tok'ra. This led to a slightly dubious alliance with them. On the plus side, the healing abilities of the Tok'ra symbiote, Selmac, saved the life of Sam's father, General Jacob Carter.

Despite the fact that General Hammond had the confidence and support of the President, it was not all plain sailing on Earth. Certain politicians were suspicious of the S.G.C. and wished to see it closed down, or maybe run by less ethically correct people such as the N.I.D. This brought in a number of Recurring Characters such as Senator Kinsey, Colonel Simmonds and Colonel Maybourne, to add to the System Lords.

The Recurring Characters were not all bad, however. Best of the best was Major Doctor Janet Fraiser, Chief Medical Officer of the S.G.C., and arguably the most important person there. She could even countermand General Hammond's orders, but rarely had the opportunity to set foot through The Stargate as her Knowledge and Expertise were too valuable to put at risk.

Other friends who appeared from time to time were General Carter and Martouf of the Tok'ra, Narim and Councillor Travell of the Tollan and Lya of the Nox. By the end of The Third Year, The Four Heroes had established themselves as firm favourites, partly for their Original and Entertaining Adventures based on a variety of Mythologies but more especially for the strong, mutually supportive Bond of Friendship between the four, and their Merry Banter.

Here endeth The Third Chapter.

Fourth Chapter: Decline and Fall I - The Gathering of Dark Clouds

Sadly, this happy state of affairs was not to continue. One of the Gods who brought this magnificent conception to fruition sought pastures new so, in The Fourth Year, he was replaced by lesser gods who were unused to dealing with Three Dimensions. They looked upon The Stargate and The Team and saw that they were good. They also wished to set their mark upon The Stargate Universe.

And so in The Fourth Year, which they called The First Year, they set about deconstructing all that was good about The Stargate and The Team. They noted The Bond of Friendship and also the Merry Banter between First and Second Heroes. They were the first things that must go, so where there was Camaraderie, they sowed Conflict.

"Shut up, Daniel!" saith O'Neill as to a recalcitrant child, not the Grown Man with the Brilliant Mind and the Double Doctorate. Thus began The Undermining of The Friendship and The Breaking Up of The Team.

Next they turned their attention to Major Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysicist). They did not understand strong, intelligent, mature professional women and so they modified her to fit What They Knew About Women. This was apparently very little, and could possibly have been written on a postage stamp.

Therefore, out went Major Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysicist) and in came Samantha Carter Mk 2 - The Gurrl. This meant a make-over to turn her into a credible Blonde Bimbo with an unkempt non-regulation hairstyle and lashings of make-up, especially around The Eyes - all the better to make Moo Eyes with, my dears.

Having A Gurrl in S.G.-1 meant that Romance was A Must, and The Object of The Romance had to be A Hero. Blithely disregarding The Oath taken by members of the U.S.A.F., Chain of Command Protocol and Fraternization Regulations alike, they settled upon her Commanding Officer, Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Thus two people with Nothing In Common outside of work were suddenly thrust together as Doomed Lovers and "'Ship" was born, forever dividing The Fans of Science-Fiction from The Fans of Soap-Opera Romance. As the latter were the more vociferously vocal, this made the new gods think they were - well, Gods - and that they could do no wrong.

Perhaps because of the Lack of Chemistry between The Clandestine Lovers, there must be No Competition for the affections of Third Heroine, and so any passably attractive male was ruthlessly put to death, first Martouf of the Tok'ra and later the ascended being Orlin, and Narim, even wiping out the entire Tollan race to do away with him.

Daniel's friend and colleague, Doctor Robert Rothman was also shot to pieces. Perhaps the new gods feared that, as he was a scientist, he might some day be a Love Rival for Second Hero. Even young Lt. Elliot was not safe. Though an equally Unlikely Suitor, he had been taken over by Lantash, the symbiote of the dead Martouf, and thus Lt. Elliot was doomed... Only Chaka, the Unas, seemed proof against the jealous guard the new gods set over The Blonde Bimbo.

But there was One who stood in the light of The Clandestine Lovers, taking away from their glory. The gods were unhappy about this because he could not be removed at the stroke of a pen, for he was First Hero. However, though he was sacrosanct, he could be moved out of the light and into the shadows. And thus he was assigned a new role as Chief Supporter of Scenery, and Fourth Hero, who had lately fulfilled that role, was relegated to Wallpaper Monitor.

It occurred to the new gods that The Blonde Bimbo needed to do more than look pretty and make Moo Eyes at Second Hero to retain her position in S.G.-1. Because First Hero, or rather Chief Supporter of Scenery, was now delivering lines such as, "No witnesses," and "Don't get it," and "Okay. What kind of message do you want me to send?" they decided to give lots more exposition to The Blonde Bimbo's alternative personality, Samantha Carter Mk 3, a.k.a. Super Sam - Mistress of All Branches of Science.

And the new gods looked upon their work and thought that it was good, for all The Four Heroes had lost their Third Dimension. This pleased the gods greatly for now The Heroes were in a form which they could cope with. Now they could concentrate on the things they did best: Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs, Space Ships, Fancy Computer Graphics - and 'Ship. This meant less time to be filled with boring things like Dialogue or Character Development or Plot.

Space Ships were A Good Thing™, because there was less need to use The Stargate which was much less exciting. As it took less time to travel by wormhole, this meant Writing More Dialogue. Not that the new gods had any problem with writing dialogue providing it allowed them to exploit their Comic Genius.

In this, they were ably assisted by Second Hero who had been afflicted with a bad, and possibly terminal, case of Cosmic Giddiness™. This could perhaps have been caused by a declining ability to take The Stargate Program seriously, culminating in a belief that Solving Crossword Puzzles was of greater importance than Saving The World. But the writer digresses...

Not all The Heroes agreed with this New Direction. The Actor who breathed life into First Hero watched what was happening to The Stargate Program with dismay. He was a Wise Man who had not frittered away his earnings. Thus, when it came to The Signing of Contracts, he stuck to his principles and declined to renew, choosing instead to go and explore the home planet.

The new gods were delighted, for his light would no longer outshine that of The Clandestine Lovers. They made haste to find A Replacement Who Was Not A Replacement. They chose to boldly announce The New Guy whom they described as A Hunk and A Big Name - as he was to those who had heard of him. People outside the U.S. of A. who knew him not did not matter since the new gods had said it was so, and therefore it was. Everyone would love The New Guy, they decreed.

All reference to The First Hero was quickly stripped from The Stargate Website, even before First Hero had been hustled out of The Stargate Universe, and The New Guy was substituted in his place. In the manner of legerdemain, First Hero was moved out and The New Guy moved in with a slickness that deceived the eye - or so they hoped. The First Hero would never be missed...

Thus endeth the Fourth Chapter.

Fifth Chapter: Decline and Fall II - The Darkest Hour?

Such was the hubris of the new gods that they told their worshippers that The New Guy (who had no relevant qualifications and no specialist knowledge such as that which The Wallpaper Monitor had of the goa'uld) was the perfect Not Replacement for First Hero. In this, they expected to be believed without question. Although The New Guy had not been through the S.G.C.'s Official Selection Procedure and - because of his Dishonesty and Spinelessness - undoubtedly Lacked Security Clearance, he was thrust, grinning, into First Hero's office.

It was completely unbelievable to those whose mental capacity had not been temporarily addled by the dazzling scripts of the new gods but, perhaps as an Homage to 'Star Trek's, Jean Luc Picard, they said, "Make it so," and it was. For The New Guy was their very own two-dimensional creation, An Alien With Super Powers, made to enchant The Fans of Soap-Opera Romance. Lest anyone fear that he was in danger of a death sentence for grinning at The Blonde Bimbo and getting Happy Smiles in return, they gave him Puppy Dog Enthusiasm so that all would know he was their Little Pet.

Unfortunately for the new gods, there were many among The Fans of Science Fiction whose Belief Systems inclined more towards atheism where the new gods were concerned, and greatly lamented the passing of First Hero. However, wiser and more experienced Deities had suspected that all was not as the new gods asserted it was, and so First Hero was kept alive, just not on the Earth plane. The other Deities decreed that he would return thrice.

Now, it so happened that there lived in the north of England a stalwart lady, perhaps a descendant of the warlike tribe of Brigantes that flourished in an age before the birth of Merrie Englande. However it was, this dedicated lady and divers like-minded souls began a crusade for The Return of First Hero, startling the Actor who did not realize that First Hero was held in such Great Affection by so many people.

So prodigious was the clamour for his return that Higher Powers began to take notice and to ask themselves if, maybe, someone had Goofed in letting First Hero's Actor get away. Away from the interested gaze of The Fans of Science fiction, it was settled that there would be A Second Coming. Having been assured that the The Bond of Friendship and The Merry Banter would be restored, The Actor had graciously agreed to return.

Here endeth the Fifth Chapter amidst great rejoicing from The Fans of Science Fiction and lovesick grumbles from The Fans of Soap-Opera Romance who feared that 'Ship would have to yield to Friend-ship and that The New Guy, whom they had adored in obedience to the new gods, would be Surplus to Requirements.

Sixth Chapter: Decline and Fall III - A False Dawn

Sadly, optimism was indulged way too far by The Fans of Science Fiction. First Hero returned - naked as promised - but after cursory greetings from his Fellow Heroes, his story was quickly side-lined in favour of an All Action Adventure. This involved Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs, Space Ships, and Fancy Computer Graphics along with Much Homage and those old favourites, Running Up and Down Corridors and Lurking in Corridors, thus avoiding having to think up an Original, or even an Interesting Plot. They had also thought to provide Third Heroine or The Gurrl, with a very pretty new 'pulled-through-a-hedge-backwards' hair-do.

By now, the new gods were so comfortably settled into the rut they had carved for themselves that they no longer bothered with little things like Plausibility or Canon. Thus they sent First Hero, who had lost his memory, and The New Guy, on a mission in which First Hero was to hack into the goa'uld's computer... Microsoft really does get everywhere then?

Miraculously, The Heroes and The New Guy triumphed. The New Guy was slightly singed by a staff weapon blast which was declared to be the equivalent of a slow and agonizing death from radiation poisoning. And thus, with more of a fanfare than The Returning Hero received, The New Guy left for his own planet.

Now it so happened that the Actor who breathed life (and Cosmic Giddiness™) into Second Hero, had commitments elsewhere. Not only was the Actor's input reduced but so was the size of Second Hero. However, this was No Bad Thing, for Mini-Actor gaveth some wellie to his performance as Second Hero, and The Team worked together in Solving the Problem. There were also no Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs, Running Up and Down Corridors or 'Ship, although Third Heroine was disrespectfully treated as The Blonde Bimbo at one point.

There was, however, Cause For Hope. The Wallpaper Monitor became Fourth Hero again and The Team was united in helping the Jaffa Rebels. First Hero's actor had the opportunity to showcase his talents, although First Hero himself had little part to play. Major Doctor Janet Fraiser also had a strong part in the story. First Hero then had a chance to shine along with Chaka, the Unas. There was even a little Merry Banter between First and Second Heroes. , though sadly, The Unity of The Team was missing.

Then everything went to hell in a handcart as The Stargate was sidelined in favour of a Space Ship Race, starring Samantha Carter Mk 4 - or The Speed Freak - along with a couple of Guest Stars to provide a breathtakingly unfunny commentary throughout this Homage heaven. This also showcased the debut of Third Heroine as Pseudo-First Hero.

After this, the evil influence of the new gods came back with a vengeance - or 'Avenger 2.0'. Here, they chose to exhibit more of their Comic Genius. After a little gratuitous 'Ship, they cleverly managed to sideline First, Second and Fourth Heroes off-world, visible only on tiny monitor screens. Thus, they enabled Pseudo-First Hero to star again, albeit playing second fiddle to another, even more breathtakingly unfunny Guest Star. After this, things could only get better...

Fourth Hero, who had shown an alarming tendency to revert to his earlier role of Chief Supporter of Scenery, at last had a decent script. He'd written it himself... It used The Stargate. It had The Team. It had The Merry Banter. It had The Bond of Friendship. It was a return to The Halcyon Days. Halleluiah!

But it was too good to last. The new gods now tried a new ploy. They took one mythology-based story featuring First Hero with one non-military Recurring Character, and one Homage to 'Star Wars', which introduced The Super Soldier. It starred Samantha Carter Mk 5, The Heartless Hussy, with two military Recurring Characters. This, naturally required The Breaking Up of The Team.

Although there was little common ground between the two plots, they cut each one in half and stitched them together using Second Hero as the thread. This composite was then split into a two part arc. The whole thing ended on a couple of Bum Notes:

First Hero, having achieved his goal, went through horrendous suffering during which he managed to rescue The Recurring Character, and finally was shot in the thigh and threatened with being skinned alive before Second Hero arrived to save the day. But there was no sign of The Bond of Friendship - no concern, no praise for a job well done - just a terse enquiry about whether First Hero, the weak link who'd torn Second Hero away from a mission with The Heartless Hussy, could walk on his ventilated leg.

Meanwhile The Heartless Hussy, standing in as team-leader for Second Hero, also achieved her goal thanks to help from the two military Recurring Characters. She suffered a minor wound from an enemy who could have killed her without breaking a sweat, and as a result received all the praise and sympathy that Second Hero could not spare for First Hero, plus an invitation to lunch.

Here endeth The Sixth Chapter.

Seventh Chapter: The Worst is Yet to Come I - Disunity

Just when The Fans of Science Fiction thought that Season Seven - which, with misplaced optimism, they had dubbed 'Season Heaven' - couldn't get any worse, it did. With Major Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysics), the highly intelligent professional thirty-something, dedicated to her work now merely a distant dream, the new gods added to her Multiple Personality Syndrome. This was Sam Carter Mk 6, The Emotional Train Wreck, or the Disgrace of 'Grace'...

Here, The Fans of Science Fiction learned that The Emotional Train Wreck had been yearning for Second Hero for the past seven years, thus retrospectively tainting The Halcyon Years with 'Ship. It was now Canon that Third Heroine had always lacked honour and integrity. But now, The Emotional Train Wreck was shown surrendering her role of Doomed Lover in order to Move On. 'Ship was officially dead.

However, the new gods also toyed with the feeling of The Fans of Soap-Opera Romance, for they offered the Disappointed Ones a sop. The Doomed Lovers shared a kiss that was the product of imagination within a hallucination. 'Ship was dead - or was it?

After this, the return of The New Guy was almost welcome, his new coiffure providing a little comic relief a least. Then, following the earlier success of The Breaking Up of The Team using two separate plots in one story, the new gods created a new hybrid monster, or chimera. This time, they zipped together A New Romance for the flighty Blonde Bimbo in her guise as Pseudo-First Hero, and a really, really interesting on-topic - but secondary - story, featuring First Hero.

This succeeded in confusing and annoying both groups of fans. The Fans of Science Fiction had no interest in The New Romance, though pleased that The Blonde Bimbo had at last abandoned The Unprofessional Relationship for The Himbo. The Fans of Soap-Opera Romance loathed The New Romance because The Himbo had supplanted Second Hero in The Heartless Hussy's affections.

The Disunity of The Team continued through another 'two-disparate-plots-in-one-story', with a hint that while 'Ship was on life support, it was not yet dead. This also featured a trial run of the 'let's-mislead-the-gullible-viewers-into-believing-that-A Hero-is-about-to-die-when-really-it's-only-a-minor-character' motif, beloved of movie directors since the dawn of cinematography. This was a harbinger of The Stargate Program's most inglorious hour.

Here endeth the Seventh Chapter.

Eighth Chapter: The Worst is Yet to Come II - Nadir

The two part arc, 'Heroes' was touted as the best work the 'Stargate' crew had ever done. This redefined the word 'best' in much the same way that 'wicked' came to mean its opposite. This arc certainly marked the coming together of many of the worst aspects of earlier episodes. Most notably, Sam Carter's Multiple Personality Syndrome was displayed in all its awfulness, and a Mk 7 personality - The Simpering Adolescent Groupie - was added to the collection.

The arc involved the well-honed 'two-disparate-plots-in-one-story'. There were lots of Guest Stars to provide a little humour - mostly puerile - to accompany the inevitable Cosmic Giddiness™ in the first part.

Sam Mk 2, The Gurrl, segued through a brief glimpse of Sam Mk1, Major Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysics), into Sam Mk 7, The Simpering Adolescent Groupie. One wondereth how Major Coburn or Major Griff would have responded to the improper and impertinent question, "How do you feel about Colonel O'Neill?" Not with effusive and starry-eyed adulation methinks, nor would they, in Sam's own words, have "babbled incoherently."

On the plus side, there was The Bond of Friendship, The Merry Banter and The Team. Sadly, in this context, The Team was SG-13, not SG-1. Yes, really. SG-13. Just in case anyone was unaware that this was all going to end in tears. This was heralded by appearance of an Imperial Probe Droid in an Homage to Star Wars.

Verily, a child of ten years knoweth that a probe droid collecteth information and transmitteth it to its maker, yet this raison d'être of the Imperial Probe Droid somehow by-passed S.G.C. intelligence and SG-13 were not recalled to safety. The purpose of the Imperial Probe Droid also went over the heads of two of the brightest brains of the Tau'ri - First and Third Heroes - until it was Too Late. And when trouble came, there was much Running Up and Down Corridors.

Instrumental in this was Major Doctor Janet Fraiser, Chief Medical Officer of the S.G.C., and arguably the most important person there, who rarely set foot through The Stargate because Standard Operational Procedure determined that her Knowledge and Expertise were too valuable to put at risk.

And it came to pass that, in violation of Standard Operational Procedure, she was not merely sent off-world but into the midst of a combat zone with Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs, Space Ships and Fancy Computer Graphics. The scene was now set for that coup de théatre, 'let's-mislead-the-gullible-viewers-into-believing-that-A Hero-is-about-to-die-when-really-it's-only-a-minor-character' motif. For not long after S.G.-1 and two marine teams went through The Stargate, Second Hero was shot in the chest with a staff weapon.

Unknown to viewers (but surely not to Third Heroine?), Second Hero was wearing Super Soldier armour which was proven to protect against a staff weapon blast. This thought did not stop Sam Mk 2, The Blonde Bimbo, who Completely Lost Her Head. She stopped firing at the oncoming Jaffa. She stood up, making a target of herself which even a one-armed, half-blind Jaffa could not fail to hit. Clearly the enemy had left their one-armed, half-blind Jaffa at home as The Blonde Bimbo ran safely across open ground to The Object of The Doomed Romance.

On reaching The Object of The Doomed Romance, did she, as the Mk 3 Super Sam - Mistress of All Branches of Science, render medical assistance? Did she check for vital signs? Did she even drop to the ground? None of the above. She simply looked down at The Fallen Hero in Girly Shock and Horror. 'Ship was back with a vengeance and The Himbo was forgotten.

It will always be a hot topic for discussion. Did The Blonde Bimbo's Dereliction of Duty, opening up a hole in the Tau'ri defences, enable a Jaffa to break through and kill Major Doctor Janet Fraiser, Chief Medical Officer of the S.G.C. and arguably the most important person there because her Knowledge and Expertise were too valuable to put at risk? Or not? We shall Never Know.

And no one mentioned Courts Martial for either The Blonde Bimbo or for General Hammond, Leader of the S.G.C.,for sending her off-world to her death without the option of Ascension.

Possibly the most nauseating part of the whole arc was the uncaring dismissal of the now twice-orphaned Cassie by Sam Mk 5, The Heartless Hussy as "She's a strong kid, she'll survive." Difficult to reconcile this woman and Third Hero who promised she'd always be there for her. Then up pops Sam Mk 6, The Emotional Train Wreck who needed a 'Shippy Hug from The Object of The Doomed Romance, not because her very close friend, Chief Medical Officer Major Doctor Janet Fraiser was dead, but because Second Hero wasn't.

And what of First Hero - he who watched Janet die right in front of him? He was sitting alone and comfortless on the floor in a dark corner of the infirmary... So much for the strong, mutually supportive Bond of Friendship between the four.

Here endeth the Eighth Chapter.

Ninth Chapter: The Conclusion.

There followed an Earth-based story penned by First Hero's actor which was interesting. Second Hero was missing, but as this also brought a blessed relief from Cosmic Giddiness™ and 'Ship, he was not missed so very much. The inevitable 'clip show' preceded The Grand Finale.

This Grande Finale was based around a reprise of one of the best stories from The Halcyon Years, but featured Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs, Space Ships and Fancy Pac-Man Computer Graphics this time around. General Hammond made his last - and heroic - appearance. He had been replaced for no good reason as Leader of the S.G.C. by a civilian clone of Third Heroine. (How long before she, too, develops Multiple Personality Syndrome?) Second Hero was back, along with Cosmic Giddiness™, new Super Powers including healing, and The Awkwardness of 'Ship.

With the Earth in imminent peril, the doomed Second Hero handed over command to the two-timing Heartless Hussy. Her first act as leader was to make an inappropriate reference to an earlier 'Shippy Moment of excruciatingly embarrassing awkwardness. Once Anubis and his battle fleet had been destroyed and the Tau'ri were triumphant, Second Hero immured himself in ice beneath the Antarctic ice sheet. His fate impelled The Emotional Train Wreck to exclaim in agonized tones, "We can't just leave him like this!" as though First and Fourth Heroes had packed up and were already leaving the chamber.

Thus, having ascertained that they had not yet found the fabled 'Lost City', endeth Season Seven with both a bang and a whimper.

What of the future? Season Eight is well into production and rumours of a ninth season abound. Will I be watching? Will I even be interested, given the high quality of the competition that is fan fiction? Maybe.

What do I require?

More use of The Stargate Less use of Space Ships
More Team Unity

Less Team Separation (and the sidelining of half The Team.)
More Friend-ship Less 'Ship and Doomed Romance
More Mythology-based Stories

Fewer Big Bangs, Bigger Bangs and Fancy Computer Graphics
More Dialogue and Character Development Less Running Up and Down Corridors and Lurking in Corridors
Better and more credible Plots Less Cosmic Giddiness™

Most of all:

1. Stop killing off popular characters just for the Hell of it.

2. Ditch the Bitch with the Multiple Personality Syndrome and Zero Integrity, and bring back Third Hero - Major Doctor Samantha Carter, Ph.D. (theoretical astrophysics) the highly intelligent professional thirty-something, dedicated to her work. I really liked her. :¬)

Unless most of these points are addressed, 'Stargate S.G.-1' will not be compulsive viewing for me.

Added 23 MAY 2004

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