The Mission

Sam was on a mission - a very personal mission.  She wouldn't need back-up for this.  It was something she could handle perfectly well alone.  She was dressed all in black, as befitted this little black ops. outing.  It reminded her of the time Daniel dragged them off to save the world from Apophis and Klorel.  Happy days!

Skirting round the perimeter up to its nearest point to the main building, she wriggled under the fence.  The years of surviving on blue jello had paid off at last.  She retrieved her lock-pick kit from the fourth pocket she tried.  Hell, she was just a normal woman and there were a lot of pockets in her B.D.U. and utility vest.

Picking the lock was a piece of cake, and she was in.  All was silent in the familiar gaudy corridors with their golden hieroglyphs.  She slid her Beretta out of its holster and flicked the safety catch off.  With practised ease, she ran the length of the corridor, looked both ways, then turned left and ran along the next corridor.

She listened for the clunking sound of Jaffa boots, but there was only silence.  As neither Teal'c nor Bra'tak seemed to have taught those guys the concept of stealth, it must mean the coast was clear.  She crept towards the door to the room where she expected her targets to be plotting, and listened outside.  Yes, she could hear the voices of her enemies within.

"We'll send Daniel Jackson to P9X-372..."

"Where's that?"

"Doesn't really matter - a world with an Arctic climate—"

"With blizzards?"

"Yeah - where they desperately need a linguist and where he'll have difficulty finding his way back to the 'Gate again."

"The sholva, Teal'c?"

"He'll be visiting his kid."

"Which leaves Jack and—"

Sam had heard enough.  Levelling her Beretta, she kicked open the door.

"Freeze, motherfuckers!" she screamed.

The two plotters gasped in shocked surprise.

"W-wha'...?"  croaked one.

"S-Sam?" whimpered the other.

"That'd be Major Carter to you. Now strrip!"

Shivering in terror, the two conspirators stripped down to their boxers.

"And the rest," said Sam, gesticulating with her gun at the lead villain's groin.

With little choice, they did as they were told.  Sam cracked out laughing.

"And you have the nerve to tell me what to do!" she marvelled.  

"Tie him up, then put these round your own wrists," she ordered the sidekick, tossing over some rope and a couple of pairs of handcuffs.

Once the villains were securely immobilized - she hadn't been in the Girls Scouts for nothing - she placed her sharp knee-bone on the upper thigh of the podgy one and growled,

"Now, repeat after me, 'Major Samantha Carter is neither a blonde bimbo nor a simpering adoloscent groupie."

"B-But Sam... M-Major Carter— "

"Say it, scumbags!"

Reluctantly, they did as they were ordered.

"Next, 'Major Carter does not love Colonel O'Neill'."

"Major Carter does not love Colonel O'Neill," they muttered.

"Louder!" Sam barked.

"Major Carter does not love Colonel O'Neill."

When they'd recited after her, parrot-fashion,

'Colonel O'Neill does not love Major Carter',

'Colonel O'Neill belongs to Daniel,' and

'Teal'c is a member of S.G.-1', 

she moved on to her last gripe.

"Finally, repeat after me, 'Major Doctor Samantha Carter is a theoretical astrophysicist, not fucking Wonder Woman!'"

It took a little while for them to get their tongues round that one, what with its being a bit of tongue twister, and the fact that she'd applied a little C4 to the heating generator on the way in, plus they were scared shitless.

"Ri-ight," she snapped, "and don't you forget it!"

Just to make sure they didn't, she spray-painted her messages in red around the walls.

Several hours later, S.G.-1 burst into the building.  Colonel O'Neill was the first to spot the door off its hinges and went to investigate.  He stopped on the threshold, stunned at the sight of the two inside, shivering like Sam's blue jello and pretty much the same colour.

"Way to go, SAM!" he exclaimed.

Teal'c hugged her in a way that was more than comradely, while Daniel gave her an understanding smile.

"P.M.S. is a bitch," he said.

Fizz... Ting!

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