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"I'm just saying I don't see how you can blame me for fucking Jack senseless," Daniel argued. "The aliens made me do it."
"No way," Jack protested.
"The aliens didn't make you do it?" Hammond asked.
"No...wh—huh?" Jack said.
"Senseless," Daniel repeated, gesturing at Jack as his proof.
"Not senseless," Jack said quickly.
"Oh, please," Sam said disdainfully. "It was ten minutes before you could remember your own name. Twenty before you could actually say it."
"Was not," Jack said, sitting up and throwing his chest out.
"You found god," Daniel said smugly.
"Thor had nothing to do with it."
"Are you sure?" Sam asked Jack.
"Do not ruin this for me," Jack told Sam.
"They do sound alike," Teal'c observed, ignoring Jack's glare. "Especially when Daniel Jackson is about to...."
"They are two distinctly separate individuals," Jack interrupted. "Thor—little gray butt, no dick. Daniel—firm, tight butt and big...."
"Colonel!" Hammond said sharply. "It's becoming quite obvious that you've been compromised."
"Quite thoroughly, too, by my examination," Dr. Fraiser added.
Daniel gave Jack a self-satisfied smile. Jack gave him an angry stare...for about six seconds, after which his tongue slid out of his mouth and he panted like a bitch in heat.
"Shouldn't he be in isolation? Or someplace—anyplace—out of sight?" Hammond asked Fraiser.
"There is nothing wrong with me," Jack insisted.
"Upon arriving back at the SGC you informed General Hammond that the mission objective had been reached," Teal'c told Jack.
"Yeah? So?"
"You claimed that SG-1's mission objective had been to find, and I quote, the man who could out-suck a Hoover," Teal'c said gravely.
"That's always been our objective. It just kind of got lost behind all that obtaining weapons and saving the planet stuff."
"Colonel, I'm sure I would've remembered if 'sucking' had ever been part of our mission objectives." Hammond rubbed at his head, thinking it surely had to be time to retire by now.
"It's in the small print, sir," Jack suggested. "And hey—like this is the first mission we've ever gotten fucked on. The Tok'ra do it all the time."
"He's speaking figuratively," Daniel explained to a flabbergasted Hammond. Then he turned a sharp eyed look on Jack. "At least, he'd better be."
"What? You fucked me so now you think you own me?" Jack said.
"Um...yeah, pretty much."
"Would someone, other than Colonel O'Neill, please debrief me?" Hammond asked desperately.
"Yeah, since Jack's already been debriefed," Daniel snorted.
Jack's tongue fell out of his mouth again. Sam slammed her folder shut in disgust.
"Major?"
"I just don't see why Colonel O'Neill got to be the one being...debriefed."
"I, too, would have liked to participate," Teal'c added.
"It's my job as your team leader to bear the burden of any punishment," Jack said nobly.
"Yeah, big sacrifice there," Sam sneered.
"Trust me—you and Teal'c were better off staying out of this one," Fraiser said. "The colonel won't be sitting right for a week."
"He's sitting right now," Hammond said, irritated by the insane hyperbole.
Fraiser pulled a rubber glove from the pocket of her lab coat and snapped it. Jack reacted instantly and instinctively to the sound. Defying all the known laws of physics, he passed through the table and rematerialized in Daniel's lap. Fraiser reached into his abandoned chair and held up the inflatable donut he'd been sitting on.
"I see," Hammond said with an air of resignation.
"Actually, sir, this will lend credence to my official report."
"Official report?" Hammond asked.
"In the interest of world peace, I'm submitting that Colonel O'Neill is suffering from severe wormhole-induced hemorrhoids."
"World peace?" Hammond asked incredulously.
"Hemorrhoids?" Jack yelped.
"Wormhole," Daniel sniggered.
"Yes, General," Janet said, ignoring Daniel and Jack. "Believe me—you don't want the Pentagon questioning Colonel O'Neill about his ass."
"I don't have hemorrhoids," Jack insisted.
"I can vouch for that," Daniel said earnestly.
"As can I," Teal'c added.
"Me, too."
"You and Teal'c were forced to watch Dr. Jackson, um...?" Hammond stammered.
"Fuck Jack senseless," Daniel offered helpfully.
"Not technically, sir."
"Once the...sacrificial 'victims' had been chosen, the aliens did not appear to care what Major Carter and I did."
"We figured—free show. Why not watch?" Sam concluded. She huffed out a disgusted breath. "It's not like we were going to get any of the action."
Hammond stared helplessly at his flagship team and wondered exactly what flag they were operating under.
"It's simple, sir," Jack said. "We gated to P4X, Daniel did me, we came home."
"The aliens made me do it," Daniel added with a winsome smile, peeking around Jack who was still sitting on his lap.
"The question is why?"
"Well, sir, we don't actually know that the aliens made him do it," Sam said.
"Please explain, Major."
"Daniel Jackson was the only one who could speak the language of P4X," Teal'c said archly.
"Daniel's word is good enough for me," Jack said.
"It wasn't just his word you were taking, sir," Janet added.
"On the positive side, it was the first time I have observed Daniel Jackson obeying O'Neill's orders without hesitation," Teal'c observed.
"I don't think 'more', 'harder', 'faster' constitutes good military discipline," Sam disagreed.
"People, please!" Hammond bellowed, wishing he still had some hair left so that he could pull it out. "I can't submit a mission report that says 'the aliens made me do it'!"
"Why not?" Jack asked. "Jimmy Carter saw space bunnies and Reagan used an astrologer. How much worse is this?"
"You had illegal homosexual sex with Dr. Jackson," Hammond pointed out, just in case Jack had forgotten.
"It's not illegal on P4X," Daniel said.
"Did we at least obtain something of value for this...performance?" Hammond asked desperately.
"They let us come home alive," Jack said.
Hammond's glare seemed to indicate that this might not be construed as a positive outcome. "You're dismissed, but all four of you are to remain confined to the SGC until I've figured out a way to resolve this."
"We're grounded?" Daniel asked.
"What?" Jack asked, hearing the disappointment in Daniel's voice.
"Well, I just thought we should practice. You know—for next time."
"I absolutely forbid you to engage in any further anal intercourse for the next 72 hours, Colonel," Janet said quickly.
"What?"
"Your wormhole's out of commission," Daniel explained.
"Oh," Jack said, looking distinctly thwarted. "But yours isn't, right?"
"Out," Hammond growled. "Just...out!"
Hammond listened to the intrepid explorers leave. Major Carter argued that equal rights meant equal rights, damn it, and next time she was getting her some. Teal'c kicked Jack in his sore ass by claiming that the superior physical qualities of a Jaffa would have allowed him to be 'punished' without needing to sit on a butt pillow afterward. Colonel O'Neill's aging Y chromosomes all sat up ready to challenge Teal'c until Dr. Jackson soothed the colonel's wounded ego by promising to kiss it and make it better. And yes, apparently, Dr. Jackson was referring to the sore butt in question.
"Doctor?" Hammond said helplessly as the din died away.
"Sir, I don't know. I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know that I don't know," Fraiser said, rising from her chair. "All I know is I'm going to hit that bottle of scotch in my bottom desk drawer. Again."
"Sergeant," Hammond said.
Sergeant Davis stood aside, allowing Dr. Fraiser to leave before joining Hammond at the table, carrying a few reports for him to sign.
"Did you hear any of this?"
"A little."
"And what's your take?"
"Permission to speak freely, sir?"
"Granted."
"They're all certifiable, sir," Davis said with conviction.
"Of course. But what the hell am I supposed to do about this report?"
"I'd submit that, as a result of inadvertently desecrating the natives' holy site, SG-1 was required to make retribution. Colonel O'Neill was subjected to strenuous...punishment. Upon completing the...punishment SG-1 was immediately returned to the SGC. No further opportunities to establish diplomatic ties or trade are expected."
"Bullshit, then?"
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you, Sergeant. When you've finished here, please see to it that P4X is locked out of the dialing computer."
"With pleasure, sir," Davis agreed.
Hammond collected his papers and headed for his office. As he reached the doorway, he noted the security camera with its blinking red light.
"And Sergeant?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Burn the tape."
Debriefings: Love among the stars