Jack and Daniel's Antipodean Adventure
This fic is dedicated to Wadjet by Fifi L'Amour,
Even deliberate bad fic.? ;-) And damn it, you've set a plot bunny on me there.
This is what became of the pesky crack!rabbit*...
P.S. I mentioned *this to Catspaw. Her response was, "SHOOT IT!! LOL."
P.P.S. This is unbeta-ed - see note under 'Synopsis.' ;-)
The engine of the hired truck kept pinking.
"Something wrong, Angel?" Daniel asked.
"We're a little low on gas, but it's nothing to worry your pretty head about, Schnookums."
"Running out of gas?" Daniel squawked. "B-but it's fifty miles back to the last filling station, and God alone knows how far to the next one!"
"Don't panic, Dannikins," Jack said reassuringly. "If we run out of gas, I'll walk back and fetch a can of gasoline back with me."
"B-but we're half way across the Nullarbor Plain," Daniel exclaimed, thinking of all the rusty automotive relics lining the highway. "Did you know that Nullarbor is from the Latin for 'no trees' and that the Aboriginal name for the area is 'Oondiri' meaning 'the waterless'. It's the world's largest single piece of limestone, and occupies an area of about 77,200 sq miles, Jack?"
"After the twentieth repetition, yes Daniel, I do."
"Ooh, who's getting a little tetchy, Beloved?"
Jack took a deep breath but still sounded pissed off. "Well, whose brilliant idea was it to take the Old Eyre Highway so we could really get away from it all and have hot sweaty monkey sex whenever we wanted? Though so far, we've mostly just gotten hot and sweaty and have you any idea where the nearest shower is?"
"No Jack," Daniel replied, tears sparkling like diamonds in his beautiful cerulean orbs and taking away all Jack's ire. Who could stay grouchy for long in the presence of so much adorable beauty?
"Aw Danny, don't cry. You know how much it cuts me up inside. Besides, when have I ever let you down before?"
"Well, when you tried to blow me up on the Gadmeer ship"
"Hey, you know that wasn't personal!"
"When you tried to shut me down on Euronda in front of Alar and. the team"
"Okay, that was personal, but I did. apologize and we did have great make-up sex..."
"When you told me our friendship didn't have much of a foundation"
"Enough already!" Jack snapped. He glowered at Daniel's pouting lower lip, all soft and deep pink like a satin pillow, and... and... "
The engine died.
"Oh Jack! What are we going to do?" The lip developed a definite wobble. So did bits of Jack's anatomy.
He leaned across and planted a kiss on the oh-so-alluring lip."
"Don't worry, Schnookums," he said, leaping from the truck and grabbing a gasoline can. Before he left, he leaned into the cab and added, "I'll be back."
"Oh Jack," Daniel breathed worshipfully. "You're my very own 'Terminator.'"
He watched Jack set off along the road back the way they'd come, then sprang out of the truck.
"No, Jack," he cried earnestly, "I got you into this and we're in it together. Wherever you go, I go."
Daniel, the desert dweller, reached into the back of the truck and hefted a large plastic water bottle out of it. "If we've a fifty mile hike ahead of us, we're going to need this..."
They'd hardly gone half a dozen step when Jack's eagle eyes spotted a smudge of dust on the horizon, shimmering in the hot late morning sun. He pointed it out to Daniel. "Looks like help might be at hand."
Jack and Daniel returned to the truck to await rescue as the smudge gradually increased in size. It took a while. Finally it resolved itself into a sparkly silver tour bus. As it approached, Jack boldly stood int the middle of the road and waved his arms for it to stop.
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief when it did. Then he did a double take. The bus seemed to be packed to the gunnels with brightly colored... stuff. The door opened and a slightly seedy looking blonde, wearing a tad too much make-up stepped out of the coach. She advanced towards Jack with a slinky walk and vampish smile, taking in his manifest allure.
Raising eyes to heaven and her arms to Jack, she said, "Yes! There is a god!"
But Daniel was there before her, leaping protectively in front of Jack.
"Hands off! He's mine!" he hissed.
"Daniel, play nice," Jack frowned. "We need this... lady's help."
"If we can afford the price..." Daniel muttered, glowering.
"Careful, Sweetie. If the wind changes, your face might just stay like that," their rescuer said in aggrieved tones.
By now, two others had appeared from the bus - two somewhat androgyne looking... guys?
"What's the problem, Bernie?" the one in the green tank top asked the one who'd been first off the bus.
"We broke down and we could use a little assistance - er, ma'am..." Jack said, sending a beguiling smile at Bernie. Hey! Whatever it took!
Green Tank Top alighted and came over to join them, closely followed by the third. "Well, why don't we all introduce ourselves? That's Bernadette," he said, indicating the first, "That's Adam, occasionally Felicia, and I'm Mitzi del Bra but you can call me Tick"
"Tick?" Jack asked.
"Tock." Daniel said a little snidely.
"Oh yes, they're going to fit in just fine," Adam said with more than a hint of sarcasm.
"Fit in?" Daniel asked raising his eyebrows in a look of wary curiosity.
Tick looked at his/her? companions, taking a silent vote. "As it happens, you could help us out. Quid pro quo...?"
"Doing what?" Daniel's eyes roved suspiciously around their three potential rescuers, the tour bus and its contents.
"We need a couple more members for our next gig and I think you two could be just the guys we need."
"We're female impersonators" Adam began.
"You're a drag act, you mean? I thought so!"
"Well, it wasn't like they were hiding the fact," Jack responded reasonably, adding sotto voce, "unlike some..."
"What? And now you're all right with that? Prancing about in a low dive, shaking your tush at a bunch of perverts?!" Daniel demanded.
"Hey look, you're the one who dragged me - and I use that word advisedly - off on this ill-conceived jaunt. Providence sent us help in our time of need. You should be thanking them, not sniping at them, so lose the Bitch Queen routine, would ya?"
"Bitch Queen?!" Daniel snapped. "Just because I don't want to be leered at by a bunch of small town drunken hicks?"
"Exactly! They won't know us, we won't know them, they'll be drunk out of their skulls, so what do we have to lose?"
"So what's dignified about foot-slogging fifty miles through the middle of nowhere? Besides, who's to know what we got up to out here in the back of beyond?"
"Apart from all our adoring fans at www.dancingqueens.com...?" Adam put in provocatively.
"And you can shut the fuck up," Jack growled. "You're not helping."
"Okay, we'll keep your photos anonymous, Precious. Promise." Adam gave a smile that was anything but reassuring.
"There! You see? We'll be a complete laughing stock by the time we get home!"
"Well, it won't be the first time," Jack griped, patience wearing thin.
"What d'you mean, 'won't be the first time?'"
"Plant Boy!" Jack snarked.
"Oooh, that was low, even for you!"
"Well what d'ya expect when you're behaving like a spoilt brat?!"
"Brat?!!". Daniel's voice leapt an octave and cracked in the middle of the word.
"Oh, that's all I need," Tick muttered, stepping between the disputants, "a coupla screaming queens! Can it, ladies!!!. Please."
The pair looked at Tick, then at each other.
"Hey, if you can't take it, don't dish it out," Tick said mildly. "If you really don't want to do it, fine. We're not going to leave you to your fate anyhow. But we could really use your help...?"
"Huh, you haven't heard Jack sing," Daniel said with a slightly malicious grin.
"While Daniel is an accomplished dra female impersonator."
Daniel shot him a filthy look. "You're the one who said I should give it up."
"So we're doing it, then?" Jack grinned.
Daniel gave a long-suffering sigh, then nodded.
Jack's and Daniel's belongings were stowed somewhere. on Priscilla.
"Priscilla?" Jack asked.
"That's what Adam christened her," Bernadette explained, "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert."
"Ah," Jack gave a noncommittal nod as they moved off, Adam driving.
Tick settled into a seat adjacent to the two new recruits. "Okay, how well do you know Abba?"
"Not a fan then. Daniel, what sort of stuff do you do?"
Daniel pouted at his repertoire being referred to as 'stuff.'
"Actually I do used to do standards - 'Hey Big Spender,' 'Fever'"
"Oh I'll bet that sent the temperature up," Bernadette said longingly, giving Daniel's muscular arm an exploratory squeeze.
"Oh it certainly did," Jack smiled reminiscently, then he noticed Bernie's roving hands. He glared. "And get your hands off my property."
Daniel glared at Jack. "Oh, so it's okay when he she... he. comes making up to you, . but when the boot's on the other foot..."
"Right the second time there, Sweet Cheeks," Bernie said, earning another glare from Jack while Daniel looked puzzled.
"Second time what?"
"Bernie's a male-to-female transsexual," Tick explained, "so he's a she. Babe. And been looking for a man ever since 'The Snip.'"
"Any man!" Adam yelled from the front.
"Oh," Daniel said, while Jack launched into song.
Jack broke off to nibble Daniel's ear, then went on,
He made a play of fondling his nuts as he came to the end of the verse.
"Hey! That might just work!" Tick exclaimed. "You could do the sorta speaking verses, and the rest of us could sing the choruses."
"Then no one'll know he can't sing?" Daniel grinned, putting Bernie's hand back on his arm. It was partly payback for Jack's possessiveness, and partly the hope of instigating a little more. A growling predatory spec. ops. colonel was a thing of wonder and a joy forever. Daniel and his dick were unanimous on that.
An hour or so later, Adam drove Priscilla into the parking lot of a wayside truck stop. After lunch, the five took time out to work on the routine and try out costumes. Daniel began to get into the swing of it.
Shimmying around in a long blue number that looked heart-stoppingly familiar to Jack, he was singing, "It's only frock'n'roll but I liiike it!"
Their new friends fell about laughing.
"Huh," Jack grunted, "I guess that makes us 'Frock'n'roll mercenaries?"
"Oh, he's goood !" Bernie beamed, vamping up to Jack again, and with a speculative look towards Daniel.
"No we are not up for a threesome," Daniel snapped.
Bernie replaced the speculative look with one of patent disappointment.
There was more argumentation when Jack discovered there was no sexy black leather basque for his role of Dr. Frank N. Furter and was stuck with a pink satin affair with a bow at the front. Daniel, fed up with Jack's constant whining, grabbed him by the arm and yanked him around to face him.
"Fine!" he snapped, "I'll buy you a goddamn' black leather basque for Christmas."
If he was hoping to shut Jack up, he failed spectacularly. Jack batted his eyelashes and clasped his hands over his false bosom.
"Oh, Daniel! Would you?" he simpered.
Daniel gave an infuriated squawk and glared around at the others.
"Okay," he demanded, "who's this and what have you done with my lover?"
At that, Jack quickly snapped out of it and hissed in his ear, "Daniel?! D.A.,D.T.?"
Daniel shrugged. "As you said, Jack, who's to know?"
"Have you forgotten they have a website...?"
"Oh please! Adam was winding you up." Daniel turned to Adam. "Weren't you?"
Adam, with a spurious look of wide-eyed innocence, nodded. Daniel gave him a hard stare.
"Okaay. I was just yankin' your chain. We don't have a website Yet!"
"Not that we hadn't - you know - caught on to your - ah -domestic arrangements..." Bernie grinned.
Jack looked momentarily like a gaffed pike. "Oh that's it! I am so screwed..."
"What she said!" Adam laughed. He stopped laughing when he saw Jack was really unhappy about it. "Oh god! You're military?"
Jack sighed. "Yeah. We took this vacation to get away from all that so we could just be ourselves without all the need for secrecy."
"Hence the D.A.,D.T.?"
"Aw, Sweetie, that sucks." Bernie wrapped a comforting arm round Jack shoulder. "Ya know, we've had gays in our military for fifteen years now. It's hard to believe a supposedly advanced country like America is still stuck in the last century."
"Oh, it's all too true!" Daniel scowled.
"Look, don't sweat it, guys," Tick put in. "You're secret's safe with us. We'd never put your jobs in jeopardy."
"It's not just our jobs. Jack could end up in jail."
"Really?" Bernie squeaked. "That's terrible!"
"Tell me about it," Jack growled. "We can put men on the moon; but we can't put gay. men on the moon."
Jack and Daniel exchanged startled looks, then cracked out laughing.
"Oh, god no!"
The sun was low over the western horizon as Priscilla approached their venue. Jack, glancing out of the window, did a double take.
"Tell me that doesn't say what I think it says."
Daniel followed his line of sight.
"It says the What the fuck? Titty Twister?"
"So it does. say what I thought it said," Jack said sourly.
Daniel tittered. "Well, what were you expecting? The Grand Ole Opry, maybe?"
"Getting cold feet?"
"Are you, Angelcakes?" Jack asked solicitously.
"Hell no. I've played much. lower dives than that, Darlin'." Daniel drawled.
"So much for dignity! You're looking forward to this, aren't you, ya little exhibitionist?"
Daniel flashed him a coquettish look and swiped his tongue seductively over that pouty lower lip. Jack shivered. "And you can leave that right out."
Jack thought about it.
Daniel pouted. "What, you don't love me enough to get jealous at the thought of other guys lusting after me?"
"It's not that, Sugar Plum. I just don't wanna have to kill anyone."
Daniel did the eyelash thing. "My hero..."
Bernie parked Priscilla beside the Titty Twister. There were already nine bikes parked out front. The last rays of the sun, glinting on shiny black body work and chrome handlebars, made them look like a herd of demonic buffalo.
The four guys and Bernie unloaded all their baggage and toted it into the back room. Curtained off from the main room, that was to be their dressing room. Out of professional interest, Daniel twitched the curtain aside and peered out at their audience. The room was around half full, the clientele being mostly archetypal bikers in their mid-thirties and forties. Well, he'd known worse...
Then he did a double take. He turned and waved Jack over.
"Are my eyes deceiving me," he said, pointing to a guy sitting in semi-darkness at a table to one side, "or is that Quentin Tarantino over there?"
"Quentin Taran What would he be doing out here in the middle of the back of beyond?"
Daniel looked crushed. "We ended up here by chance."
Jack felt guilty about his scathing tone. "Aw, I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean to Shit, damn and buggery! What the fuck's he. doing here?!"
"What?" Daniel looked stunned at the outburst. He turned uncertain eyes towards his beloved. "You mean it is. Taranti"
"No it fucking isn't! It's Rodney McKay!"
"No! It can't be. He's in Russia. Isn't he?"
"Apparently not," Jack said grimly.
"Well there's nothing we can do about it now, Angel," Daniel said bracingly. "The show must go on and he probably won't recognize us in drag and under all the slap."
"Ya think? He claims to be smarter than Sam, may I remind you?"
Daniel sighed. "Well... maybe... But she isn't the sharpest knife in the box when it comes to... well, to us."
"I suppose." Jack looked unconvinced.
"Just don't shoot him, okay?" Daniel said. "I don't want to have to visit you in an Aussie jail."
Jack's look gentled a little. "I'll try not to, Puss-cat. But if you vamp him like you vamped me, he definitely dies!"
There was a low stage little more than two foot above the floor of the bar. The booking had been for two sets. In the first set, Mitzi, Felicia and Bernadette did their Abba routine. There was muted interest and no one threw anything.
As they were leaving the stage, a group of younger bikers - late teens and early twenties - mooched in. Their god was obviously James Dean as they all wore identical sneers. These were mostly directed at the older guys but a few were aimed at the cabaret performers.
"Looks like we could be in for an interesting night," Mitzi observed as the three filed into the back room for a little refreshment.
"You two might like to think up a stage name," Bernie suggested as the three changed their costumes. The two 'guest stars' were already in their stage gear.
There was a little dispute between Jack and Daniel when Jack vetoed Daniel's using Blaze Dubois again. The other three sensibly kept out of that . one.
Jack opted for Molly Malone, crooning 'She wheeled her wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow' out of tune as the rest winced.
"Jacqueline O'Hooligan would be a more apt name," Daniel snapped, still sulking, but Jack didn't want any name that would ring alarm bells with McKay.
"So just the tart with the cart then, Sugar?" Felicia had said with a sly look.
"That's good, coming from the wannabe cock in a frock on a rock," Bernadette sniped.
"Felicia wants to travel to the center of Australia, and climb kings canyon, as a queen, in a full length Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara ," Bernie explained. "Did I miss anything out there?"
Jack and Daniel glanced at each other, then looked at a scowling Adam. "Oh."
Half an hour later the barkeep, doubling as compère, took the stage. He appealed for quiet, with little success, and announced Mitzi del Bra, Danielle du Monde, Bernadette Bassenger, Molly Malone and Felicia Jollygoodfellow.
"Okay, let's slay 'em, girls!" Mitzi said, leading the troupe on stage.
The first number went down... Well, it went down. The older bikers stared morosely into their drinks while the younger ones stood around at the back. And sneered.
In the next number, 'Molly' launched into 'Sweet Transvestite.' The audience began to take an interest. Jack decided to omit the nut-fondling. He did have some sense of self-preservation, especially where his nuts were concerned. But it was in the fifth number that the trouble started.
Danielle - it would be! Molly thought ruefully - had already raised the temperature in the room with a wonderfully breathy version of Peggy Lee's classic, 'Fever..' Several of the older bikers moved over to stand in front of the stage to get a better view, to the annoyance of the folks behind and some barracking from the younger bikers.
Next, Danielle launched into 'Big Spender' and, having been sternly instructed not to set foot off the stage, set about vamping up the audience with ridiculously long Maybellined false lashes. On 'wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my...... mind,' he just had. to do the swipe of the tongue over that beautiful pouty lower lip that inevitably sent all Jack's blood heading south for the duration. Jack mentally groaned, pretty much knowing what was coming... Coming. Ngk!
The biggest, ugliest biker leapt on stage and made a grab for Danielle's arm. And leered. Molly glowered. The biker gave him a smile - a very. toothy smile reminiscent of... Christopher Lee? Huh?
Then 'Vlad' lunged at Danielle's neck. His face wore a look of surprise as his head did a one-eighty, blood flowing freely from nose and mouth. This signaled the start of a free-for-all.
The younger bikers zeroed in on Vlad, all sporting - it was difficult to miss - long fangs like the fallen 'Vlad.' Molly and Danielle exchanged shocked glances mouthing 'Vampires?'
"Seriously, vampires?" Jack said.
"Well, in the past in many cultures "
"Not now,. Daniel!" Jack yelled, dragging him backstage and wishing there was more than a curtain between stage and 'green-room.' The rest of the performers were hot on their heels.
"What the fuck were you playing at?" Tick demanded as Jack grabbed a stool.
"What? The show must go on?" he asked witheringly, bringing the stool down hard on the first head that appeared from behind the curtain. "Didn't you notice that a lot of them were over-endowed in the dental department?"
"You mean, there are"
"Vampires out there?" Bernie breathed, eyes threatening to outdo Major Carter's in the circular crockery stakes.
"Exactly!" Jack said, felling a second hairy biker with his stool. "I suggest we get out of here pronto."
Somehow, Bernie beat them all to the door, despite being last off the stage. And screamed.
"What?" Adam demanded.
"Bats! You know I can't stand bats!" Bernie panted, slamming the door. There were several thuds from the other side.
"Shit!" Jack groaned, cracking another skull. "We're surrounded. Could do with a little help here, guys!"
"You could hide in the cellars," suggested the barkeep who didn't look nearly as worried as he should have. "Or there are rooms upstairs you could use..."
Jack peered carefully into the main room. Fortunately, the two sets of bikers had decided to squabble among themselves for a while.
"Oh... Well, with luck they'll wipe each other out," he said in 'problem solved' tone of voice.
Daniel squeezed in beside him. "I don't think so Honeybun."
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"Undead? Damn! So Plan B then."
"We have a Plan B?"
Something caught Daniel's attention. He wriggled past Jack. Who grabbed his elbow.
"Where d'you think you're going, Precious?"
"Rodney McKay's still out there."
"And? So? Therefore...?"
"We can't leave him, Jack."
"Do you seriously want a Vampire McKay turning up at the S.G.C....?"
Jack's eye's entered the crockery stakes at short odds. "Where is he?"
"Over there to the right, cowering behind an upturned bench."
"I see him." Jack was off at the double, crouching low and zigzagging between clumps of fighting and fallen bikers. Fortunately, Rodney was looking the other way. Jack grabbed him by the collar and hauled ass. It took a while as McKay was wriggling and struggling and generally squealing like a stuck pig.
"Got him. Let's go."
"C-Colonel O'Neill?!" Rodney gasped.
"Yes, Colonel O'Neill," Daniel said, peacock feathers looming over him. "Colonel O'Neill who just saved your sorry ass, so you will not breathe a word of this to anyone or we throw you back in there. Capiche?"
Rodney nodded. "It's not like anyone would believe it anyway..."
"Okay, let's blow this joint," Jack said opening the back door.
The flock bats circling outside homed in on the light from the doorway and zoomed towards it. There were several more thuds as the door was slammed shut again.
"Fuck! And Priscilla's too far away to make a run for it..."
"Plan B?" Daniel asked.
Jack thought about it. "It might just work.
"What is. Plan B?"
"We blow the joint a different way."
"Huh?" Daniel looked suspicious. "Where do you think you're going to get your hands on C4 at this time of night? Here?"
"Weeell, Tick says this is a mining area, and Adam checked out the cellars and... Trouble is, someone'll have to go out there, open the main door and let all the bats in though, then it shut it again once they're inside. We've got to get the whole lot."
"That would be my job," Daniel said bravely. "You have to do what a colonel's got to do."
Jack opened his mouth to object. Daniel laid a finger across his mouth to silence him.
"Hush, my heart. You know this is the way it has to be."
Jack nodded sadly so Daniel threw caution to the wind and kissed him soundly. Rodney whimpered.
"One word, just one word..." Daniel glowered at him. Rodney nodded then shook his head, uncertain whether confirmation or negation was required then, just to be sure added, "Zipped - stumm."
"I'll meet you all by Priscilla." A tremulous smile, then Daniel was gone.
Jack got to work, in the cellars, in the upstairs rooms and finally the main room which seemed to have more people and fewer bats than he expected. Adam and Tick ran interference while Rodney consoled Bernadette. Bernie was very grateful. Rodney wondered if he would'nt have been safer with the vampires...
When all was ready, and everyone except Daniel was back in the green-room, Jack cautiously opened the back door. Nothing was moving out there. Gesturing to the others to follow, he led the way out to the parking lot where a full moon silvered the bikes and Priscilla. He couldn't see Daniel. Maybe he was on board already. Well, there wasn't time to check - couldn't afford to have the plan discovered and, worse, thwarted.
He checked that everyone else was present and correct then, with a sigh, he thumbed keypad.
A rapid series of explosions shook the whole area as the Titty Twister was lit up like this was a mega-pyrotechnic party on the fourth of July. When smouldering debris began to rain down, everyone legged it to take refuge behind Priscilla. As Jack rounded the back of the bus, a muscular arm snaked around him and yanked him in for breathtaking embrace and a tongue targeted his tonsils.
When he was finally allowed up for air, Jack growled, "That'd better be you, Daniel."
"Oh it is, Dear Heart."
Jack pulled back a little way.
"Jaack? Aren't you pleased to know I'm back safe?"
"Of course. Now smile."
"Just do it, Daniel."
Daniel shrugged and gave a small puzzled smile.
"That won't do. Wider!"
Jack gave an exasperated sigh. "Because I want to check your teeth."
When Jack had satisfied himself by the light of the blazing Titty Twisted that Daniel had normal dentition, he took up where they had left off in the game of tonsil hockey.
"Oh please! Would you two get a room or something," Rodney whined.
"Feeling left out?" Bernie asked solicitously. "No need, Sugar..."
And Rodney found himself shoved up against the side of the bus as Bernie had him in a lip-lock. She had finally got her man!
"Okay, people," Mitzi said, taking in the singed and smutty costumes with a sigh, "As we now have nowhere to stay for the night, I suggest we all get changed and hit the road.
"Oh." Jack suddenly spotted the flaw in Plan B. "Don't suppose anyone thought to bring out the baggage...?
Disclaimer: All characters from Stargate S.G.-1,. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, . From Dusk to Dawn,. and lyrics to Sweet Transvestite. all belong to other people, not me. I'm just borrowing them for the purposes of entertainment. I'm not making any money from this little tale, in fact it's costing me . money...