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'Is It A Bird? Is It A 'Plane...?'

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Written by International Best-Selling Author, big smug grin Jonas Quinn big smug grin - Intergalactic Traveller big smug grin and Super Superhero.big smug grin

Season 6 - it should really be Season 1, of course big smug grin

Spoilers: 'A Matter of Time'; 'Fair Game'; 'Tangent'; 'Ascension'; 'Meridian'; 'Redemption -I'

P.o.V. - 3rd. Person ( that's First Person really big smug grin )

Summary: How Jonas Quinn single-handedly saved the world... big smug grin


Caution: a slight lapse of good taste towards the end - Ed.


Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Your hero!


My-- *Jonas*'s expression of concern and sympathy

Jonas was sorry to hear that Dr. Daniel Jackson had died. It was all so unnecessary too. It was a real shame that no one had told him that Colonans have a natural immunity to radiation. Oh sure, extremely high levels of radiation give them a very nasty rash for a few days, but that's it. It was a shame too, that Jonas didn't appreciate the devastating effect it has on the human body. If he had, he would have leapt boldly into the lab. and sorted out the problem himself, and damn the rash!

But it's an ill wind as the Tau'ri say. Jonas realized that he now had the perfect opportunity to fulfil his destiny as Intergalactic Superhero. He took a gift of the naquadria that the sexy chick, Sam Carter, was so hot for and strode boldly through the Stargate.

And that thing about the 'theft'... It was a loan, for heaven's sake! And I did know I could trust the people of Earth. Reading minds is only one of my many abilities - I mean, one of his many abilities. Jonas's...

I bring greetings and a gift to the inferior Tau'ri

Unfortunately, the Tau'ri did not immediately appreciate their immense good fortune in acquiring the services of such a heroic and talented person as

JO-O-O-NAS QUINN!!!
A hero's sash

No. Sadly, the universe's newest Superhero was kept kicking his heels around S.G.C. for three months! Three whole months!

I begged and pleaded with General Hammond to let me join S.G. -1, but the man just wouldn't recognize a Good Thing if it leapt up and bit him on the nose. And I was sorely tempted... Instead, he tried out one no-hoper after another, while I - while Jonas - mastered the contents of every book on the base and ordered lots more over the Internet.

One pissed-off colonel, ha ha..!

Colonel O'Neill, who for some strange reason seemed impervious to the Quinn charm, was also resistant to the idea of including Jonas in his precious team. This caused him a lot of suffering, (which served him jolly well right!) He even tried out that foreign fellow from the U.S.S. Enterprise - not Sulu, the Russian one, Chekov. Absolutely useless! O'Neill was well pissed off.

Jonas kept confronting General Hammond and all the members of S.G. -1, leaping up and down, waving his arms and crying, "Me, me, me! Please pick me! You know you need me!" Nada. Zip. Zilch.

Jonas realized he would have to charm his team-members-in-waiting one by one. Teal'c showed signs of weakening. The big Jaffa - a fellow alien - said Jonas might have a chance if he could knock him down at boxing. No sooner said than done. Jonas had read 'Humorous Applications of Mechanics' only half an hour ago. He set out build the ideal gadget for the job from a large coiled spring borrowed from Sergeant Siler, a spare lump of naquadah from Sam's lab and a few other bits and pieces. (Those repeats of 'MacGyver' are very useful and informative. The guy looks very familiar somehow, but I can't place the face.)

How could they resist my appeal...?
What a HUNK!!!

His plan worked like a dream. Teal'c was out cold for 24 hours. Dr. Fraiser says his skull looks like a boiled egg that's been hit by a spoon, and that he won't be fit for active duty for several months to come. This is not a problem. I am perfectly capable of replacing both him and Dr. Jackson. But still they wouldn't accept Jonas. Why? He's smart, he's a hunk, he's a supernaturally quick study, he's charming, got a fabulous smile big smug grin and he's a hunk. Did I mention he's a hunk? A real hunk?

Next up was Super Sam. I was quite surprised to find that she's saved the world several times over, and without smearing her make-up. (I think she must have had it tattooed on.)

Anyway, she was having problems with her naquadriah design. How on earth did she get into S.G. -1? All Jonas had to do was flip through a couple of post-graduate maths and physics books and he soon put her right. And did she show her gratitude by flinging her arms around my neck and kissing me like any self-respecting groupie would? Don't hold your breath! She did privately insist that I take her place as S.G. -1's scientist, though. big smug grin

By now, it had to be obvious to anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together that Jonas was the Quinn-tessential member of S.G. -1. General Hammond was beginning to waver but Colonel O'Neill was still adamant. Jonas decided that, for the sake of the planet, O'Neill had to go. There was a test flight of the new X-302 due shortly. Jonas managed to have a quiet word with his friend, Senator Kinsey, who had a word with the N.I.D. They supplied Jonas with the relevant gizmo from another downed death glider, and Colonel O'Neill was off on his way out of the solar system again.

(Hey, so it's been done before. Since when did the scriptwriters ever bother with originality? - J.Q.)

This left Jonas, as the only viable candidate to take on Earth's current attacker, Anubis. General Hammond finally had to agree. He made me Commanding Officer of S.G. -1, and asked me to pick my own team - er - that would be Jonas's team... Jonas bravely dispensed with any support. He would go it alone so that no more members of S.G.C. would need to die, because Jonas Quinn is the One in S.G.-1! big smug grin Besides, he did have one mate with him... Before tackling the new invincible baddie, Jonas borrowed a couple more springs from Sergeant Siler, and spent two minutes 13 seconds reading 'Inspector Gadget'.

Next he requisitioned an old teltac, 100 pounds of pure raw titanium, 200 feet of fibre optic cable, 7 x 100,000 watt industrial strength capacitors and a toaster. (He'd read the mission report relating to P4X-636.)

"Prepare to meet your doom!" declared Anubis.

(See what I mean about originality? How can you be afraid of that? Of course there is the possibility of his gaining a tempo while you corpse with laughter! - J.Q.)

Jonas knew no fear. He'd read Nirrti's 'Phase-Shifting for Dummies', and Lewis Carroll's 'Alice in Wonderland'. He'd also been watching a programme about the wartime exploits of the stage magician, Jasper Maskellyn and Freddie Mercury's video of 'I Was Born To Love You'. He was ready to kick ass.

He leapt into his modified teltac and took off to meet Anubis's mother ship which was in geostationary orbit above the Earth.

"Prepare to meet your doom!" declared Anubis again.

Jonas began to think he had the threat on a tape loop.

"Nah, you come over here, you big one-eyed trouser snake!" Jonas taunted. (He'd read the 'Penguin Slang Thesaurus'.)

Anubis, angered beyond all reason, ringed down into Jonas's teltac. And found himself in a room lined with mirrors. Jonas smiled. The reflections from his teeth bounced around the mirrors, dazzling the System Lord. Then Jonas switched on his phase-shifting device. His body disappeared, leaving only his smile behind...

Suddenly, he switched off the smile. Anubis was still reeling from the countless brilliant smiles as Jonas stole behind the System Lord - but not in the thieving sense, oh no! He grabbed his Mate and ripped open the wrapper. Quickly, he pulled black Guinness-flavoured condom over Anubis's head and down to his feet - those things really do stretch, you know! - simultaneously silencing and confining the glistening black shape of the enemy.

Next he dialled up P3X- 451 on his home-made Stargate and launched Anubis into the Black Hole. It seemed appropriate somehow...

Finally, Jonas ringed himself back to Earth and a Superhero's welcome. Unfortunately, in the time that it had taken to walk from the little Stargate to the ring transporter, Einstein's General Theory of Relativity had kicked in and 25,000 years had passed on Earth... All that remained was a barren, dusty planet, a Stargate and a D.H.D.

"Oh well, when a Superhero's gotta do what a Superhero's gotta do," he said, dialling a random address.

Boldy he stepped through the Stargate to begin his next Great Adventure...

Can't keep a Superhero down...

Fizz... Ting!




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