Stargate for Grown-ups

By grown-ups, I mean people who have successfully survived adolescence and now live in the real world. It is also assumed that they have brains and are not afraid of using them. This is my take on the way the show might have gone if I were in charge. Okay, I can dream, can't I?

O In the first instance, I'd make a few changes in the script writing department:

> employ a staff of writers who are comfortable with writing for
...three dimensional characters.
> at least two of these would be good female writers.
> employ a professional woman scientist as well as a U.S.A.F. advisor.
> insist that if the advisors say a thing wouldn't happen, it must be
...changed/omitted.
> records to be kept and referred to so that continuity blunders are
...avoided.
> research to be undertaken especially re scientific and geographical
...facts - like the zoo.
> ban the use of deus ex machina (or any other convenience) to get out
...of a plot hole.
> ban the use 'in-jokes' that the majority of the audience won't get.
> ban insulting the intelligence of the audience.

O Stargate S.G.-1 is set in a military installation. Most of the people working for Stargate Command are military personnel. In my universe, they would look and act like military personnel. This includes Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, who would both wear the same amount of make-up - and no, that does not mean O'Neill gets to wear thick black mascara and red lipstick!

O Okay, military haircuts are practical rather than flattering and I'm prepared to be flexible. Haircuts would be less severe than regulation, but Carter's hair would be no longer than collar-length, and more like it was in the earlier series. The lank look of series 4 and the scruffy pulled-through-a-hedge-backwards look of later seasons would definitely be out.

O Teal'c is over a hundred years old. He's spent most of his life in a military environment, much of it as commander-in-chief. What he doesn't know about warfare, particularly against the goa'uld, could probably be written on a postage stamp and still leave room for Daniel's opinions on E.A.Wallis Budge. Therefore, I would make much more use of him than just keep him lurking in the background until required to play Exposition Jaffa.

O Teal'c and Bra'tac are neither stupid nor incompetent; they wouldn't have survived this long otherwise. They would therefore have trained at least some of the Jaffa under their command in elementary stealth. This would make the Jaffa - or at least a contingent of 'elite' troops - more formidable, and more credible, foes.

O Carter has a doctorate in theoretical astrophysics, full stop. I'll buy that her maths, computing and electrical engineering skills are well above average. If she has expertise in any other branch of science, then either we're given an explanation for it, or she doesn't have it. There must be plenty of specialists in the S.G.C. Some of these could be developed as recurring characters. They will not masters of all branches of science either. cf. Bill Lee.

O Interesting and popular characters would not be killed off at the whim of the writers. It's a waste of resources and pisses off the audience. Standard Operating Procedure would not be ignored in order to kill someone off just for shock value, and if someone says, "I have not been in any situations where I would be vulnerable to the goa'uld zatarc technology," this will not be accepted without question.

O Most military personnel, even including grunts, are not totally suicidal. There would be no more of this fatuous standing up to shoot at the enemy. Might as well paint a target on one's chest and yell, "Hey, shoot me!" So— in fire fights, all parties not affected by some alien mind-whammy will take cover and, if they have to move, will have covering fire and will make themselves as small a target as possible. Doesn't mean they won't get hit, but at least they won't look stupid too.

O The convenient plot device, not exclusive to Stargate S.G.-1, of having members of S.G.-1 hit the enemy fatally with a single shot while all Jaffa are incapable of hitting a haystack in a passage at ten feet would be changed. Maybe the rate of fire would be reduced by taking a few seconds to recharge between shots, but the Tau'ri would at least get singed a little more often.

O Then there's that conveniently variable power level of a staff weapon. Usually it just causes a nasty burn, but in Children of the Gods, Jack used one to blast a large hole through a substantial castle wall. I don't think so. That sort of power would rip a man in half at best, and more likely disintegrate him. The escape from Apophis' castle would therefore be re-written with either someone having a secret stash of C4, or Teal'c having some that he'd confiscated. Staff weapons would simply be an energy beam weapon designed, as Teal'c said, as much to terrify as to kill.

O Next, zat guns. They stun the victim. The victim tends to remain unconscious for whatever length of time that the plot requires - a few seconds for Daniel; at least ten minutes for a Jaffa. Well not in my Stargate universe. There would be a standard knock-out time of five minutes, with maybe a minute either side to take body mass into account. If that's too long/not long enough, tough. The plot will have to take this rule into account, otherwise this violates the 'no deus ex machina' rule. And in Within the Serpent's Grasp, Teal'c says, "A second shot will kill most subjects." So a second shot isn't necessarily fatal then.

O The System Lords have been around for a very long time and have access to a wide body of knowledge. They have dominated their worlds by keeping their subjects at a very low level of technology. While it is plausible for them to be taken by surprise by the Tau'ri in the first instance, it isn't all that credible for them not to have registered us as a serious threat and acted accordingly. In my universe, the System Lords wouldn't be such a push-over, especially as they are used to dealing with other technologically advanced races, particularly their own kind.

O Getting a doctorate in astrophysics and a commission in the Air Force, and getting people to take you seriously when you're a) female and b) the daughter of a general is far from easy. Having succeeded in those things and then being appointed to the job of your dreams, you are not going to let your hormones wreck it all. So Divide and Conquer would not get past the advisors unless that dialogue went more along the lines of:

"Sir, we weren't telling the whole truth. The thing is, we all care about each of our team mates more than we strictly should, and that's why the machine thinks our memories are false."

All the rest of that sickly declaration of not-quite-love would be omitted and nothing further would be said on the subject. Ever!

O Mutual support and friendship would be a strong part of the show. This would not exclude disagreements, arguments or even fights, but there would always be a resolution, if not in the episode concerned, then in one of the next three.

O In Real Life ^TM mistakes usually have consequences somewhere along the line. To improve realism, S.G.-1's cock-ups will also have consequences, even if one of the team happens to be a beautiful blonde female. To write otherwise is patronizing. Sam can take it, otherwise she wouldn't be in S.G.-1.

O The character of Doctor Daniel Jackson would be made proper use of, negating the reason for Michael Shanks to leave the show and sparing us the inclusion in S.G.-1 of someone who had not gone through The Proper Channels.

O Some rational thought would be given to where guest characters, specifically the Argosians and the Tok'ra, get their clothes from, other than the wardrobe department at Bridge.

The Argosians don't live long enough to learn how to process materials, weave them into cloth and then make them into figure-fitting clothes, and that's not including the lamé trimmings. Pelops obviously hadn't been there for a long time to drop off new frocks and those outfits didn't look like hand-me-downs.

The Tok'ra also seem to exist in a plot vacuum with no industry and no agriculture - and no attempt made to explain this.

Maybe if I'd been in charge, the show wouldn't have been cancelled.
I know. In my dreams...