Crown Infernal

. . . Last Words

Series 1

So far...

Part 1

Children of the Gods
The Enemy Within
The Broca Divide
The First Commandment
Cold Lazarus
The Nox
Brief Candle
Thor's Hammer
The Torment of Tantalus

Part 2

Fire and Water
Tin Man

Part 1

Daniel's lost and alone; Jack takes in a stray

Children of the Gods

So Daniel, what do you think of the transfer to the small screen?

Looks okay so far.

Talking of looks, you've hardly changed a bit.

Thanks Jack. Can't say the same for you. You seem like a totally different guy.

Yeah. Happened when I gained the extra 'L'. This wacky sense of humor came right along with.

Ye-es... So how do you feel about the first episode.

It was long.

Well yes. It was a double episode. I was thinking more about the writing - the plot, the new characters, the whole works really.

I was sorry about Skaara - and Sha're, of course - but it gives us a good ongoing plot-line. And it got you back to the S.G.C. - and my house...

Yeah, it was very kind of you to offer me a roof over my head. You sure your house only has one bedroom?

You weren't complaining last night—

So Jack, what about our new team mates? I like Sam.

She had a bit of a rough introduction - painfully feminist. She offered to arm wrestle with me. Might have been a bit more credible if she wasn't got up to look so 'girlie'.

Teal'c had a good intro. Liked the forlorn look after he'd set us free and suddenly found he had nowhere to go.

Hey, you're mine, Danny, and don't you forget it!

What's up, Jack? Jealous?

Hell yes! We were meant to be together. Anyone can see that. Sha're certainly did. That kiss she laid on you! Hoo-eee!

Kind of took me by surprise actually.

I could tell.

Yeah. It wasn't in the script.

I know. She was warning me off.

Like that would work! It was nice though.

Nicer than this...?

...Last Words...

Just good friends...?

The Enemy Within

What can I say, Jack? I'm so sorry they killed off Charlie.

Yeah, me too. He was a good guy. Guess they had to clear the way for Teal'c to be in S.G.-1.

No they didn't. He could've taken command of another S.G. team.

Y'know, that doesn't actually make me feel any better about losing him.

I hope the writers don't make a habit of killing off good characters just when the viewers have gotten to like them.

Doubt it. They seem a nice bunch of guys, and hey! On the plus side, I do get to keep—


I was thinking of Charlie's stereo actually...

If that's an example of your new found 'wacky humor', then I have to say it's not that funny.

Military humor, Danny. Get used to it.

Oh? So what will you be wanting of mine if they kill me off?

Well, in the first place, they'd never kill you off - not permanently anyway. You're much too valuable to lose, and in the second place, you haven't actually got anything I want - except your heart...

Aw, Jack, you know you already have that.

And your dick...



After a crack like that, you know where you're going to get it...!

I hope so.

...Last Words...

Sam's well pissed off


Oh boy! Sam did not like that frock, did she?

Oh no, she sure didn't. You really shouldn't have bullied her into wearing it.

Me? You were the one who made her Anthropologist of the Day. I was quite jealous.

Okay, so I'll get you a long blue frock - match your beautiful blue eyes...

Don't even think about it, Jack!

Seriously, you were right in the first place - Carter too. When we saw what the situation was, we should have come straight back to the S.G.C. and let S.G.-2 take over. I made a bad command decision there.

Yeah, but it would've been a very short story otherwise, and anyway, it wasn't your fault. You didn't really have any say in the matter. Blame the scriptwriters. I do.

Carter did look good though, didn't she?

Stunning. I've been thinking...

Well there's a shocker!

Be serious for a minute, Jack.

A whole minute?

Okay, just put the 'wacky sense of humor' on hold for a minute then. So, if Sam could whump Turghan—


Yes, Jack, whump. It's a term the fans use for when one of us gets beaten to a pulp or otherwise damaged. I have a nasty feeling that that's most likely going to be me... Anyway, if Sam could whump Turghan who was bigger and more experienced than she is—

And had a bigger knife - don't forget the honkin' big knife...

—and had a bigger knife, right, how come she couldn't sort out a little pipsqueak like Abu?

Good point! So we, ah...

Blame the writers.
Blame the writers.

Thanks to Joy for explaining just precisely why that episode sucked. {short description of image}

...Last Words...

Who's been using Lynx then?

The Broca Divide

Well, get you, flyboy!


Alpha male babe magnet...


Are you still 'touched' or something?

Oh. That. Um, look, sorry if I hurt you or anything when I, y'know, hit you.

Jack, what do you think I am? Some sort of dainty flower that's going to fade away if you just so much breathe heavily on me?
What're you doing...?

Oh, just checking.

Look, stop blowing in my ear, would you? It... it tickles...
Stop it!

Now you're just sulking 'cos you didn't know what those 'touched' guys were—

Am not!

Are too.

Dee Two.


Sorry. Just been watching 'Star Wars' with Teal'c.

What?! You seem to have quite a thing for our friendly neighbourhood Jaffa.

'S okay, Jack. He just wanted to make amends for losing me on P3X-797.

Oh. Talking of P3-whatever, didn't you think it was a bit strange that there was such a distinct divide between the light and dark parts of that planet? You know - like the terminator on the Moon.

The... Terminator on the Moon? Is that an Arnie movie? Ouch!

Just checking, Daniel...

Ja-ack... You know that ultra sensitive spot on the back of your thigh...

Okay, okay! So, the point about the terminator is that you only get it when there's no atmosphere to diffuse the light.

You sure you were only messing with Sam because you were touched?

Well, of course! Why?

You've suddenly turned into technobabe.

Nah, 's just basic astronomy. Hey! Messing with Sam...?


Aw, come on. She may be a beautiful blonde but she's wa-ay too smart normally to risk her career by cosying up to her commanding officer.

Oh. Too smart? So what does that make me?


...Last Words...

Phwoarr... Just phwoarrr!

The First Commandment

Do you have a deal going with L. Frank Baum's estate?

No, why?

All the 'Wizard of Oz' references.

Yeah, I reckon that's going to be a running gag on the show.

Hm, I'm beginning to see a trend here - 'Wizard of Oz' jokes for you, whumping for me, blighted love-life for Sam...

Just because of Jonas Hansen?

Partly. And you, too.

Hey, do not link me with that crazy sonofabitch!

Calm down, Jack. I'm not saying you're not a desirable... object of lust—

Lust, huh?

Uh, yeah. Just saying you and Hansen - for totally different reasons! - are not suitable lovers for Sam.

Well, that's true enough, I suppose. I have the profoundest admiration for her, but even setting aside all the regulations that make it a non-starter anyway, we have absolutely nothing in common.

Yes, you have.

We do?

There's your astronomy.

Well, that's hardly a basis for a relationship!

Jeez, Jack! I wasn't saying it was. Just that it's something you two have in common.


You know, I can't think why Sam didn't just shoot Hansen when she got the drop on him. I mean, you don't have to shoot to kill. Do you?

Well, if you're gonna to shoot at all, it's usually advisable. An injured enemy is a very pissed enemy...

Not appreciative of still being alive?

Later, maybe, but not while he's in pain and pumped full of adrenaline.

Oh. Guess maybe she'd be better off honing her right hook?

Nah. You're targeting the wrong person there. It's those nice writers again. They'd do better to keep romance out of science fiction. This is Stargate, not Soapgate after all.

Well, there is a precedent.


Are you forgetting the ten minutes in each 'Star Trek' episode that was given over to Captain James T. Kirk smooching with floosie-of-the-week?

I'm trying to. Put me right off. Besides, I was a Spock guy myself.

Don't tell me - it was the ears. You have quite a thing for ears.

No. Just yours. I love the way it makes you hunch your shoulders and giggle.

I do not giggle.

Yes, you do... See!


...Last Words...

WHUUUMP! What a way to earn a living - laid out on a heap of sulphur!

Cold Lazarus

We-ell, that was different!

Yeah, Jack. You got whumped...

Wha—? No, I meant the Unity Crystals, though I'm not entirely convinced that inorganic crystals could be counted as a life form.

What about robots? They're made of metal and other inorganic materials—

And they're not alive! They're just machines.

Well, put like that, we're just organic machines.

Gah! Quite screwing with my head, Daniel!

Actually, I thought the Unity version of you was very good. His acting— Wow, he was really good. You'll have to look to your laurels there, Jack...

Hey, that was me! You didn't really think they could replace me with a - with a crystal, did ya? Wha—? What're you laughing at?

Well, I can see why you feel such an attraction to fishing. You rise to every fly.

Oh. So you think I was good?

I am not massaging your ego, Jack. It's big enough already.

I got something else you might like to massage...

Later, Jack. Actually, your late arrival was pretty funny. And you do cantankerous very well, too.

You saying I can only do funny or cantankerous?

Sometimes you do both, but especially cantankerous... Just don't start acting dumb.


It was very nice getting a glimpse of your former life. I like Sarah.

Sara. Her name's Sara, not Sarah. Means 'pure'. Or 'excellent'. Sarah means 'princess'. Different linguistic derivations. You should know these things.

I'm not omniscient.


And I'm not rising to your fly either.

Need a little - massage...?

Later, Jack. You know, I had a girlfriend called Sarah once upon a time. Very beautiful.


She kind of dissociated herself from me when I started pushing my ideas about the origins of the pyramids.

Your whacko ideas for the origins of the pyramids?

Those would be the ones, yes. Didn't want to be tarred with the same brush. Wonder what she's doing now?

You miss her?

Not really. Besides, I've got you.

Ri-ight. Care to massage my... ego, now?

You won't start having bright blue flashes sliding all round your body if I do? 'Cos I don't want a lethal dose of radiation!

Nah. The computer graphics guys have gone home. Besides, we've got plenty of sparkage of our own...

...Last Words...

No, this isn't Woodstock.

The Nox

Well, that made a refreshing change!


A race that didn't want to take us as hosts, sell us into slavery or just kill us.

Hey, we died, Daniel!

So what's new?

It was my first time...

Ah. Virgin death, huh?

Ngk...? Besides, Tuplo likes us.

True. Not that the Land of Light - or rather, Dark - was the most comfortable place I've ever stayed...


No. Wherever you lie down, there's a tree root!

Uh huh. Ya know what? Both the Land of Light and the Nox world look very much like British Columbia.

Yes, I'd noticed that too.

Perhaps it another one of those... trend... things...

Maybe. They were nice people, weren't they? I liked Lya.

Yeah, she was sweet. Had to frisk Carter when we got back though.

Frisk Carter?

Just wanted to make sure she hadn't smuggled Nafrayu back with her.

Oh. You know, you want to be careful doing that.


Frisking Carter.

I was only joking, Daniel. You thinking I'd be looking at a spell in Leavenworth for exploiting a junior officer or something?

No, I was thinking of all the teenage fans putting pen to paper - or finger to keyboard - and writing more lurid hot steamy romances about you and Sam.

Euw! They wouldn't... Would they?

Who knows what goes on inside the head of a teenage girl? "Oh, Colonel! Colonel! Take me! Take me! I'm all yours - sir!"

Wait a minute. What d'you mean more lurid hot steamy romances?

Three words, Jack - The. Broca. Divide.

Hey, no fair! We were all out of our skulls. Hm. Those things you said the fans write about Carter and me...?


Would just run that past me one more time?

What? The "Oh, Colonel! Colonel! Take me! Take me! I'm all yours - sir!"...? —Oops!

...Last Words...

'Do you have a comb I could borrow? And maybe a scrunchie...?'

Brief Candle

So, Jack, how's that little prostate problem?

I said we won't go into that! It's not funny!

That what's making you cranky today?

I am not cranky!

Missing Kynthia then?

A little. She was nice.
I liked her.

Uh, Jack, that was my line...

What? Dang! The old memory's not what it was.

Jack, you're not old. You just... look it.

Oh thanks!

Well, at least it'll wear off in a couple of weeks. Pity really.

What?! Why?

We could use you as Santa Clause at the S.G.C. Christmas party.

I hate Christmas!

Okay, Scrooge then.

Daniel, didn't anyone ever tell you, you should treat your elders with respect?

Jack, you've always been my elder.

Oh. Right.

Look on the bright side. At least you got to see a little - action.

Which is more than you're likely to do if you don't start showing me respect!

Jeez, Jack, you're beginning to sound like Cartman.


Cartman. He's a character in a cartoon called 'South Park'.

Cartoons? You've never struck as the kind of guy who watches cartoons.

I don't usally, but Teal'c said I ought to give it a try.


Uhh, ye-eah. He... likes company. You know, I can't help wondering, if the Argosians only lived a hundred days, how did they learn how to make all those beautiful costumes? Think about it - all the fine silky materials, the bright dyes, the elaborate designs...

You're right! Don't forget the gold lamé too. And the way they fitted— Those were not off-the-peg!

And another thing. If they only lived a hundred days, there must be a hell of a lot of bodies lying about somewhere. Because I didn't see any spades around, nor anything for making a funeral pyre. Did you?

No. By the way, I was impressed by your skill at delivering the baby.

Ah, ye-es. I'm kinda hoping that doesn't turn out to be another of those trends...

Ha! Daniel Jackson - Intergalactic Midwife! Say, maybe they're looking for programme sponsors, like Mothercare or Toys 'R' Us—

Or Viagra...!

...Last Words...

So what happened to 'From now on, we stick to rations', Daniel?

Thor's Hammer

First off, Daniel, I'm really sorry I made you destroy the hammer.

Yes, well, it had to be done, I guess, and I appreciate why you made me do it. At least we know now that the host does survive and can be freed. Besides, we couldn't leave Teal'c behind.

There you go with the Teal'c thing again.

Aw, come on, Jack. If anyone's got cause be jealous on that count, it's me. All that time spent in the caves together - alone...

Hey, we weren't alone! We had an Unas for a chaperone, so quit teasing. Have I said anything about your new girlfriend?

Kendra? She's nice, isn't she? I liked her.

So I noticed...

Nice frock, too.

Daniel, you didn't...?


Try to get Sam into a frock again.

Ah, no Jack. My family jewels are still in full working order.


You want proof?

Well, duh!

Later, Jack.

Okay, but not too much later.

You know, one thing really puzzles me. If Thor's hammer beams Jaffa away from the 'Gate into the labyrinth, how come the goa'uld didn't think to send a mother ship?

'Cos they're stupid?

Maybe. They don't seem the kind of race that gives up that easily though. And from what Teal'c says, Jaffa lives come fairly cheap.

So you think they might come back?

I hope not. The Cimmerians are nice people. I—

Liked them. Yes, I got that. Now, why not try to be a bit more like me?


Be Mr. Positive for once. If Thor put the hammer there to protect the Cimmerians, maybe he'll stop by now and again to make sure they're safe. Then he can fix it while he's there.

Maybe. Kendra seemed to think she was getting messages from Thor whenever there was a rumble of thunder...

Well, there you are then! Problem solved. Now, about your crown jewels...

...Last Words...

The founder members of Geeks Anonymous?

The Torment of Tantalus

They had a good camera crew back in 1945, didn't they?


The way they cut from Ernest stepping through the 'Gate to the severed ends of the rope and the airline.

I didn't notice. Just run the D.V.D. back a little... Oh, yes!

Guess we're just too used to modern technology. Wonder where they thought Ernest was going?


Well, how long was the rope and the airline?

I didn't notice.

But they couldna been that long, could they?

Oh I see. If Ernest got to the end of the lines, then he'd still be on Earth, and if he wasn't, there wasn't much point in having them.

Gotta hand it to you Daniel, you catch on quick.

It was nice to see Catherine again, wasn't it? I like her.

You surprise me...

Actually she said they thought it was weapon.

Huh? They thought he was stepping into a weapon...? Sorta like shooting the babe out of a cannon?

Probably not quite like that, Jack.

Ernest was surprised to see us, wasn't he?

I think shocked would be nearer the mark. Fifty years... Alone... It's amazing he's remained so sane.

Hey, he's a geek! How can you tell?

Thank you, Jack.

Well, look at the way you were all geared up to play 'Jackson Crusoe' back there. Come on, Daniel, how stupid was that?

Yes, but Jack, just think of all that knowledge gradually falling into the sea! Before long, it's all gonna be lost forever!

And if you hadn't gotten out when you did, you'd've been lost forever, too.

You mean you would have left me behind?

For crying out loud, Daniel! Of course I wouldn't!

Just checking, Jack. I kinda figured you'd stay behind too. That's why I left it all behind.

The supreme sacrifice, huh?

Not exactly. It was very tempting though...

Ah well, maybe they've left a few more of those things lying around. The galaxy's a big place and we haven't seen much of it yet.

Maybe. Who knows what the scriptwriters have in store for us.

What are you grinning at?

Just imagining you in a grass skirt—


My Man Friday.

Daniel, I'm your man every day of the week.

Ahh— you sap...!

Damn! Busted!

...Last Words...

No more Mister Nice-Guy...


Well, who's a homicidal archaeologist then?

Oh, don't you start. I got quite enough of that from Sam, thank you very much. Besides, it wasn't homicide, it was goa'uldicide, and don't tell me you wouldn't have done the same thing.

Okay, okay, don't get your panties in a bunch...

I'm not. I'm just tired of trying to get through to people who should know better that every one of those little fuckers would have done to some other family what Ammonet did to Sha're and all those who loved her. I don't care if they were vulnerable. And I don't wear panties!

Ooh, going commando now huh?



Just keep your hands to yourself. I'm not in the mood.

Oh, come on! You're a guy. Guys are always in the mood.

Well I'm not - not right now, 'kay?

Aw... You got a headache, honey bun?

Yes. It's called Jack O'Neill. And don't call me honey bun. Ever!

Done now?

I guess.

Funny, I never took Sam for the squeamish sort. Of course, if you were a real gentleman, you'd have offered to snag one of those little snakes yourself.

Jack, contrary to popular opinion, I do have some sense of self preservation... Well, sense of preservation of my nuts anyway. Would you like to suggest to Sam that she's not up to the job?

Ngk! I take your point.

And what is this anyway? Pick on Daniel week?

I'm not picking on you.

Yes, you are, Jack.

No, I'm not. Trust me on this.

Oh, I get it!

Er... Is it catching?

What? Your tactics? I think so...

Tactics, Daniel?

Yes, and don't play dumb.

How about innocent?

Try transparent.


Your tactics. That one was distraction.

Is it working?

No. And your first tactic was 'attack is the first line of defence'.


You just don't want reminding that you were dumped on your ass by an old guy who's three times your age.

What, nothing to say, Jack?

Can we go back to Tactic Number 2?

Distraction? Why? W-What are you doing?

Just checking.

What? Whether I've gone commando?

Yup, and whether you're back in the mood.


Not yet, but I soon will be...

...Last Words...

Link to Series 1 - part 2

...continues after the hiatus ::sigh::

Edited: 8 AUG 2009
Thanks, AmyCat! 8-)

Crown Infernal