Crown Infernal

Series 1 - part 2

...continuing after the hiatus caused by the fact that HoTMetaL suffers entropic cascade failure once you reach about 4,000 words. Sheesh!

I seem to have reached that point and don't think that having to re-organize the whole thing has made me any easier to live with. Oy!

"Next time Daniel, bring your friends and we can do lunch."

Fire and Water

Sushi, Jack?

Well, he looked like a big fish.

Did not.

Did too...

I thought Nem looked very much like Tuplo, actually - once I'd got used to the—


Er, ye-eah.

I really didn't take to him, ya know.

You didn't?

Are you kidding? After what he put me through?

What he put you through?

For crying out loud, I thought you were dead, Daniel!

You say that like it's never happened before. One would've thought you'd've gotten used to it by now.

Daniel, that is something I will never get used to, so please humor me by breaking yourself of the habit.

You know, I'd be really touched if I thought you weren't being totally shellfish. I mean selfish.

Oh funny ha ha. And wha'd'ya mean, selfish?

You just don't want to fork out for any more car windows.

Daniel, that isn't funny either. I was totally bereft! I was even going to resign.

Hey, I wasn't exactly having a fun time either.

At least you knew you were alive!

And you think that made it okay? I may have known I was alive, Jack, but I didn't know for how long. Not only that but, so far as I knew, you'd abandoned me.

Aw, Daniel, I would never— could never - do that. You should know that by now.

'Course I do. God, Jack, you are so easy to wind up.

You mean you were really partying down there?

While you were partying up here?

Hm, guess neither of us was having a fun time, huh? Carter cried. And Teal'c, well you tell he was grieving.


Oh yeah. Very expressive face.


Then they set a shrink on us.

No! What? Like you were barking—

Like a chicken. Yeah, that sort of thing. But you know what was the absolutely worst part? Having to do the Memorial Service thing. Giving that eulogy for you was like a knife straight through my heart...

So it is selfishness then?

Daniel! You're a hard man...

Mmm. Wanna take advantage?

...Last Words...

If ever an episode needed a follow-up...






No what?

No, I don't want to talk about it.

You should. You know that, don't you?


Look, I'm not suggesting you talk to Mac the—


How about Janet?

No. She's too close. Besides, she was there. She knows how pathetic I was.

Oh. Maybe she could find a - um - counselor you could trust?

With security clearance? I mean, to how many people could I say, "I got used and tossed aside— raped - by an Egyptian goddess who isn't really a goddess but a-a-a really old human whose body is being used by a parasitic alien," and not get locked up in a padded room for the rest of my life?

Ye-eah... Put like that, there's a bit of a problem—

A bit of a problem? You have no idea how I feel right now!

No, I don't - but I'd - er - I'd like to help. If I can...

I'm sorry. It wasn't your fault.

No, but if you want to get angry with someone, my back's broad.

It wouldn't be fair.

Maybe not, but if it makes you feel better - gives you a feeling that you're back in control of your life...

Y'know, that's exactly how I felt - that I had no control over what was happening to me.

You and me both!

Oh? She didn't—?

No, not that. She tried to turn me into her First Prime...

Oh god! I'm sorry. I - I didn't know.

Well, it's not something I care to dwell on.

Maybe you need to talk too?

Not a lot to say really. It wasn't like I was violated the way you were.

Please, would you not use that word?


Violated. It makes me feel so weak and pathetic and - and girlie, - especially having to rescued by them. The girls.

Embarrassing, isn't it?

Yeah. The more so because they know what happened. And that I wasn't man enough to fight her off...

And I'm supposed to be trained to resist that sort of thing...

You're feeling guilty about it, too?

Yeah, I guess. But what do we do about it?

Right now, I'd just like to find myself a nice dark corner to crawl into and curl up in and never come out. But first, I'm going home and I'm going to have a really hot shower.

Mind if I join you? No sex, but we could cuddle afterwards.

That would be nice. I think I need someone to hold me and make me feel safe...

And you can keep my nightmares away...
Maybe we'll be okay after all.

Well, I guess we're both in the same boat - kind of - so yeah, together I think, eventually, we'll be fine.

...Last Words...

Sam shows a caring side.


Daniel— "It's black and it's a hole"...? What were you thinking?

I did offer to rephrase it. Besides - accretion disc? Smart ass!

Nothing of the kind. I was just using a little distraction to protect my interests.

What interests?

Your 'black hole' - before Carter got the right idea.

You think that's likely? You saw how singularly focused she was. Don't suppose she would've noticed if I'd danced a fandango wearing nothing but a feather boa.

You can dance a fandango?

Er - no. What's that got to do with it?

Well, you said—

I know what I said. It's just a figure of speech.

Since when?

I liked the way you tried to explain singularities to Teal'c—

Don't try to change the subject.

—No more about accretion discs, just a lot about sucking...

Hey, he got it!

Oh yes...?

Not like that. For crying out loud, Daniel, you've got sex on the brain!

You have a problem with that?

Daniel, enough with the lashes.


It sends tingles down my spine. And other places.

And that's a bad thing because...?

I'm trying to review this episode in our lives and you're distracting me. Not actually in bad way, but you're distracting me.

Oh. Sorry, Jack. So— Sam really likes children, doesn't she?

Yeah, she does.

Shame she never gets to keep one. First Nafrayu, now Cassandra.

She'd make a good mother if she ever gave up her job— Like that would ever happen.

Yes. If she adopted Cassandra, I can't see her ever doing something where Cassandra would take second place. She's very dedicated.

And she'll see Cassandra often enough, now that Janet's taken her in.

We all will.

Yeah. And as working mothers go, Janet's a safer bet.


Come on, Daniel, we put our lives on the line all the time. Every time we go through the 'Gate, there's a good chance we won't make it back.

I'm only too well aware of that, Lover. How does that affect Janet?

What? You really don't know? Okay. Well then, S.O.P. - Standard Operating Procedures - dictate that you never put your C.M.O.—

Chief Medical Officer. I know that one. Only too well...

—in a combat zone. And if a previously safe zone becomes hot, then the first thing you do is to pull your C.M.O. out and get him or her to safety. Didn't you know that?

It's never come up in casual conversation, no.

And our C.M.O., especially, has wa-ay too much knowledge and expertise to put at risk.

What happens when someone's been wounded in a battle then?

We have combat medics who're trained to stabilize casualties under fire so they can be moved safely.

Oh. So Janet's never likely to get killed in the line of duty?

Right. So get your kit off...


...and put this on.

A blue feather boa?

Yeah, I wanna see your fandango.

...Last Words...

Teal'c caves too easily


Funny, I thought you were the one with no sense of self-preservation. Teal'c seems to have his eye on your role.

No he hasn't. He just has a strong sense of honor which means he carries a lot of guilt around with him.

Hey, don't we all?! We don't all stick our heads on the block without a fair hearing first though.

Well, no, though in a way, that's like getting off easily.


Think about it. When you're dead, you stop paying.

Daniel, you're not making any sense here.

Okay then, put another way, if you carry on living, then you have to carry the guilt around with you every day of your life and you therefore have some sort of obligation to make amends. It's not all about punishment - a-a-about retribution.

Yebbut, Teal'c didn't really have any option about what he did.

Yes he did, though none that would have had a better outcome.

Well, there you go. He had no other viable choice. Whatever he did, people would've died— A whole lot more in fact.

Yes but Teal'c wouldn't have been responsible for them.

Yes he would - indirectly.

Hm... But he wouldn't have known about it or have to atone for it, so basically, you're agreeing that death is the easy way out in this case?

Huh? Stop tying me in knots. This is all just surmise and semantics.

Ooh, three syllables!


Sorry. Thing is, if we hadn't fought for Teal'c - semantically speaking—


—then Teal'c wouldn't've been there when the Jaffa arrived, a lot more people would have died and Cartago would've become a goa'uld planet, so Teal'c is a lot more use alive than dead.

Well, yeah, obviously.

And in other ways...

What's that supposed to mean?!

He's very - supportive - when you get cantankerous and I don't get any...

Any what?

Wouldn't you like to know...?

Well that would be why I'm asking, yes.

That's for me - and Teal'c - to know - and for you to wonder about whenever you get - cantankerous...

I'm not cantankerous!

Yes you are. In fact, you're beginning to sound pretty cantankerous right now.

Am not!

Are too.

NO. I. Am. Not!

Oh, Teal'c! You there, buddy?

Daniel, you come back here right now!




Eeep! Okay, I get your point. Just don't do that again.

What, creep up behind you and suck on your earlobe?

No, I meant... Please - don't walk out on me again.

I didn't. It's just— you are so easy to wind up!

Now, about getting my point...

...Last Words...

Narim fondles Sam's pussy





Why so steamed up about Sam's cat?

You'd think a physicist would know to pronounce his name, wouldn't you?

What? Why?

He was a physicist - the original one, not Sam's cat, that is. He shared the Nobel prize for physics with Paul Dirac for something about wave mechanics or quantum theory or something.

Wasn't that Heisenberg?

Hm. I'm not certain about him.

So how should you pronounce Schr-oh-what's-his-name?

Schr-er-dinger. There's an umlaut over the 'o'.


No, the 'o'.

Oh funny! I guess that's supposed to be a linguist joke...?

More a case of hanging around with Jack O'Neill too long.

What if your typewriter doesn't have an umlaut?

Then you put an 'e' after the 'o'. It does the same job. And - typewriter?

What's your point?

::sigh:: Unreconstructed, antediluvian, technophobic—


Oh, nothing. Bit of an ungracious lot weren't they?

The Tollans?

Yeah. It was nice to see Lya again though, wasn't it?

Before you say it, Daniel, we already know.


You like her.

Yes I do. Who wouldn't?


Oh yeah. His face was a picture, wasn't it?

Yep - and not a pretty one!

Hm. I've just had a disquieting thought— one that Sam won't like.

Oh? What's that?

I think I just spotted another of those ongoing plot lines.


Sam as intergalactic tottie...

Ouch! You're right, she won't like that. She's worked damn' hard to get where she is. She's not likely to throw it all over for some Johnny-come-lately alien. She was probably just trying to get the Tollan to share some of their overwhelmingly advanced technology.

By kissing Narim?

Kissing Nari— You're kidding!


Maybe she's aiming more for Mata Hari than Marilyn Monroe?

Hm, Mata Hari in B.D.U.'s and army boots...?

Put like that, it doesn't seem likely. Maybe Narim just likes her for her brain.

That's possible, I suppose.

Okay, so she's a good-looking woman too.

Yes, that's true, but I wouldn't let the writers hear you say that.

Why not?

Three words, Jack. Ongoing. Plot. Line...

Oh, for crying out loud, Daniel! While I admire Sam enormously, she is not my type.

Well yes. I know that, you know that, and anyone with more than two brain cells to rub together can see that. The question is, do the writers have the required two brain cells each?

Sure they do!

Well... maybe... I just think it would be safer if you didn't put the idea into their heads. I do not want to see you making an ass of yourself over Sam. Or vice versa for that matter.

You got that right. Besides, you know it's your ass I want.

Just my ass, Jack?

No, Daniel. I want all of you - heart, body and soul.

Aw, Jack. Sometimes you say the sweetest things.

Well, make the most of it. That's one thing that is not turning into a trend.

Actually, that's quite a relief. Too much sugar sets my teeth on edge...

Right. So about your ass...

...Last Words...

Ooh look, the 'Gate's working...


You'd think, wouldn't you, that someone as bright as Sam would've thought to try another address? Come to that, I'm surprised you didn't.

What do you mean, try another address?

Well, she knew the 'Gate was working - whizz, clunk, shudder, flash - no? It just wouldn't connect with the S.G.C.'s 'Gate. Yet you both assumed the error was with the Antarctic 'Gate.

Hey, we didn't know it was the Antarctic 'Gate at that time!

No, you didn't think outside the box. Neither of you thought that maybe, just maybe, the problem was with our 'Gate here.

And, so, therefore?

Dial another address, just to check— the Land of Light maybe, or Cimmeria. That should've worked. Then you could have dialed home from there.

Yeah, put like that, we were pretty dumb not to think of it.

You would've saved me a whole lot of worry - not knowing where you were, or even if you were still alive.

It woulda saved me a whole lot of pain too. If I ever get injured again—


—don't let Carter near me! And I thought you were the designated target for - what was it you called it? - whumping?

At least that made a pleasant change.

Not for me, Daniel!

Well no, but I'm all in favor of equal opportunity whumping.


I can work with that... On the negative side—

There was a positive side?

On the negative side, you and Sam've given the teenage fans a whole lot more fodder for their lurid steamy romances.

We have?! Euw! But Carter pretended to be Sara... Besides, she and I are old enough to be their parents, and you know what a major squick it is for most people.


Imagining your parents having sex.

Yeah. Doesn't seem to operate that way. You see, you're a 'hero'. Makes all the difference.

It does?

Apparently. This doesn't always work in your favor though.

It doesn't?

They like to have their heroes 'whumped'.

They do? Why? Don't they like us?

It's called hurt/comfort.


If you get hurt, you need to be comforted. And the bigger the hurt—

The greater the comfort...?

Yeah, something like that.

Uh, Daniel...


I landed on my dick - think I may have... sprained it... or something...


It needs comfort— a whole lot of comfort...

...Last Words...

They're still robots!

Tin Man

Huh. Well we didn't get much of a look-in in that episode, did we?

What d'you mean, Jack?

I mean we were stuck away in a back room some place in that drafty old hangar while some robots took our places!


Yeah, robots.

Like Robbie the Robot...?


In 'Forbidden Planet'.


Well Robbie didn't exactly look like one of us, now did it?

I dunno.


I wasn't into sci-fi when I was a kid.


Yes, really.

So, what were you interested in?

Well, there was the fishing?


Yeah. What's your point?

Well... fishing... it's - it's not exactly... dynamic, is it? I mean, I can't imagine you ever sitting still long enough to catch anything.

Hey, I caught fish!

Fish, Jack? As in fish, plural, or fish, singular?

Oh ha ha.

Well? How many fish did you ever catch?

Well, if you must know...

Go on...


How many, Jack?



All right, two-But the one that got away was t———h———i———s big!

What was it - marlin? - tuna?


So? What then?



It was a big one.

Yeah, right. Anyway, why this aversion to " - robots - " —which most people would call androids by the way.

It's... it's just... unnatural.

Well, yeah, they're artificial— Oh, I get it. you're just pissed because they're better than you are... be-tter...

Well, maybe... a little...

What are the odds that they'll do like they said and bury their 'Gate?

They'll bury it.

Sure? If it was you stuck in that place... for hundreds of years... with Harlan... and no fish...?

You're right. They'll try to get away. Eventually. But they won't be able to do much damage.

Why not?

Because they can only stay away from the power source for a few hours.

You don't think Sam's android - who's be-tter, don't forget - won't figure out a way to make a mobile power source to take with them? Not to mention that we can manage to get into trouble in minutes never mind hours...

Hm, you got a point there. Maybe we'd better make regular checks on them - make sure they've buried the 'Gate. And keep it buried.

And if they don't?

Then we go back.

Yeah. Might be interesting. There's a little research on them I wouldn't mind doing.

Research? On robots? You? They're hardly ancient arte—fuck it, you are NOT having sex with a robot! That's just too... gross!

Why? He's just like you. Be interesting to find out if he's really be-tter...


Oh-oh. I think this is going to be another of those on-going themes.


Your automatonophobia.


Fear of robots, Jack.

Well, don't sound so smug.


You know those fans that write stories about us?

The teenage fans who write lurid steamy romances about you and Sam?

No. The other ones.

What other ones?

Jeez, and I thought you were clued up about this - um - 'fan fiction' stuff.

Oh, you mean the older ones with a bit more creative imagination who see the sparkage between us?

Yes, them.

What about them?

Well you and your fucking robot 'research' have probably set off a whole lot of those - what do they call 'em?

Call what?

Oh, I remember - plot rabbits!


...Last Words...

Link to Series 7 - part 1

Edited: 8 AUG 2009
Thanks, AmyCat! 8-)

Crown Infernal