Crown Infernal

Poles Apart

Part 7

Meanwhile, in another universe, far, far away...

Ring-ring - ring-ring - ring-ring...

"Hello, Blackjack Studios."

"This is Hannah Conway. Get me Barbara Wrigley."


"Hey, Babs, what are you thinking about?! Killing off one of our most popular characters!"


"Daniel Jackson... The fans are furious!"

"They are?"

"They are! The frigging switchboard's been lit up like the fourth of July for the past ten hours! I'm having to call you on my mobile. Can't get a line out!"

"Jeez, that bad?"

"That bad. So what're you gonna do about it, Babs."

"Ah well, look, it's not like you think, Ms. Conway. We haven't actually killed him off... yet. The trouble is Max Armitage who plays Daniel won't re-sign for the next series, so unless he changes his mind before we start writing, we'll have to write his character out..."

"Armitage won't re-sign? Why the hell not? Aren't we paying him enough?"

"Ahh, it's not that, exactly. He doesn't like the show's new direction. Says we're not making proper use of his character."


"Er, well, since we - um - killed off his wife and sorted out the problem with the harcesis child, he hasn't really got a viable role in the show any more so—"

"What?! Hasn't got a viable role?!" This is the guy who figured out the damn' Stargate. He gets his kicks out of visiting other worlds, woman! And that's another thing. The Stargate. The fans say you're not using it enough."

"Funny, that's what Max said too."

"Well, perhaps he was right! Ever think of that?"

"Erm, no, actually."

"Well, start thinking about it, Babs - and then fix it!"


Memo: Babs Wrigley to Josie Mazola - cc. Pat Murray, Roxane Conner.

Hey gals, the shit just hit the fan and we're up to our necks in it. Yup, 'Poles Apart' just aired and the fans are rioting in the streets, or they are if you listen to H.C. Sheesh, just had an earful! She wants it fixing. Any ideas?

Memo: Josie Mazola to Babs Wrigley

Calm down, Babs. It'll be fine. Just because a few hormone-driven airheads have lost their eye candy, there's no need to get your knickers in a twist. They'll get over it, and if they don't - tough. We can afford to lose 'em. We're going for the 35-55 male demographic. That's where the real money is. I'll put an announcement out on the website and the more prominent newsgroups and bulletin boards. No need to worry. They'll have forgotten about it by the middle of next week.

Blackjack Studios: Stargate S.G.-1 : Announcement from Josie Mazola

Well, fans, have we got a real butt-kicking new season lined up for you in the coming months!

Sadly we've had to say a fond goodbye to one of our regular characters, but as one goes out, another comes in as they say, so we're very pleased to welcome our wonderful new character, Dr. Frankie Czapiewski, who made her debut in the season 5 finale.

And what a little cracker she is, folks! I'm sure you guys will all come to love her as much as Dr. Jackman - whom she is not replacing. Let's be clear about that.

We've also got bigger bangs and better graphics. I'm sure you'll all be glad to know that, now we've pretty well wiped out the Asgard and the Tok'ra (not to mention the Tollans), the N.I.D. and Senator Kinsey will be taking a much larger part in series 6. We've got a really great conspiracy lined up for you that'll really keep you guessing...

Keep watching!

Ring-ring...ring-ring...ring-ring... {click}{whirr}

"I'm sorry, Babs Wrigley is currently visiting another galaxy and can't take your call right now. Please leave a message after the pips. Thang-kyou!"

{pip ... pip ... pip ... ear-splitting BEEP!}

"Oh very funny. Hannah Conway here. Pick up the 'phone, Barbara. I know you're there."



"I'm waiting..."



"Pick. Up. The Goddamnphone!"


"Dammit, woman, don't think you can hide forever!"



instant message from gatekeeper97 to kickbuttress452: Josie, what have you done? I thought you said there was no need to worry? I got Conway screaming down my 'phone again.

kickbuttress452 says: That's right, Babs. Why, what does H.C. say?

gatekeeper97 says: Well, nothing specific.

kickbuttress452 says: You've left your answerphone on again haven't you?

gatekeeper97 says: You're surprised?! The first time she called, I really was out. R.D.M. was passing and picked it up.

kickbuttress452 says: And?

gatekeeper97 says: He left me a post-it note. Said emigration looks like a good option. Oh and he's off skiing.

kickbuttress452 says:Oh great! What's the betting he knackers his knee - again?

gatekeeper97 says: 11 to 2 - on.
So I left the answerphone on. I'll wait for the e-mail...
Anyway, you are not getting out of this that easily. What's going down with you?

kickbuttress452 says: I put the announcement out like I said and I've been checking the newsgroups and bulletin boards for feedback.

gatekeeper97 says: So? What are they saying?

kickbuttress452 says: There are a lot of really nice people out there, Babs, saying a lot of seriously nice things.

gatekeeper97 says: Sounds good. So why's H.C. doing her nut then?

kickbuttress452 says: How should I know? You're the one who isn't answering the phone, remember?

gatekeeper97 says: You must have picked up some little tiny hint along the way, Josie...

kickbuttress452 says: We-ell, like I said, it's just a few bimbos thinking with their hormones. You soon recognize the names and delete those posts. The rest are very complimentary.

gatekeeper97 says: Josie - do they know who you are when you visit these newsgroups?

kickbuttress452 says: Sure they do, Babs. I got nothing to be ashamed of.

gatekeeper97 says: And you don't think, pardon me, that they're just being nice *because* they know who you are? BTW, how many posts have you deleted?

kickbuttress452 says: Gotta go, sorry. Pat and Roxanne just arrived for a script conference.

e-mail from to


I do *not* appreciate being kept out of the loop here! What the hell have you been doing?! I told you to fix it, not make things worse!

I'm up to my frigging knees in mail, my e-mail is off the scale, I've had extra phone lines installed and I still can't get a line out!

AND my hair-stylist refuses to make me an appointment until Daniel Jackson is fully restored to normal. I do NOT like looking as if I have a bird's nest on my head, if you catch my drift?

I will phone you again at 2.00p.m. BE THERE! If you're in hospital or the morgue, I will hold you excused, but NOT otherwise. Capiche?



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -

ars gratia pecuniae

instant message from gatekeeper97 to kickbuttress452: Josie, we're still on red alert and things are hotting up. What are you not telling me?

kickbuttress452 says: Jeez, Babs, it's early days yet. Keep your hair on.

gatekeeper97 says: It's not my hair we have to worry about! Conway's stylist won't see her until D.J. returns - alive and well.

kickbuttress452 says: Really? Ah well, send him a signed photo of Frankie, and maybe a day's pass for the first day's shoot. It'll be fine.

gatekeeper97 says: You haven't actually met Giuliano, have you?

kickbuttress452 says: Oh... A signed photo of R.D.M. then?

gatekeeper97 says: You're trying to side-track me again, aren't you? Has Max actually been written out completely?

kickbuttress452 says: Well, not exactly.

gatekeeper97 says: So you could write him back in if I can persuade him to reconsider?

kickbuttress452 says: What?! We're already working on episode 5!

gatekeeper97 says: But it is possible, yes?

kickbuttress452 says: We-ell, the thing is, there wouldn't really be much for him to do in the first four episodes.

gatekeeper97 says: Why not?

kickbuttress452 says: All the characters speak English for one thing. We could have him recovering in a sanatorium in Switzerland, I suppose.

gatekeeper97 says: So I could make an announcement that the door's left open for him to return?

kickbuttress452 says: Sure. Knock yourself out, Babs.

Memo: Josie Mazola to Pat Murray

Hold your horses on episode 5. Madam's still climbing the rigging and Babs is having a real conniption fit - talking about re-writes. Well over my dead body, but it may be as well to hang fire for a while till they both cool off.

Blackjack Studios: Stargate S.G.-1 : Announcement from Babs Wrigley.

We'd just like all our fans to know that Daniel Jackson is not being replaced in Series 6. Max Armitage has chosen to move on to other projects, but we have left the door open for him to return and hope to see him back in future episodes.

Ring-ring...ring-ring...ring-ring... {click}{whirr}

"Hi, this is Max Armitage. I'm sorry I'm not able to take your call right now, but if you leave a message after the pips, I'll get back to you. Thanks."

{pip ... pip ... pip ... gentle peeep}

"Er, Max.... Are you there, Max? This - um - this is Babs and - um.... that's Barbara Wrigley..... Erm...... How're you doing? Um.... God I hate these things - mind goes a complete blank. Anyway - um - call me when you've got a minute, O.K... .. Erm, could you make it fairly soon? ....please—"





instant message from partnerincrime671 to kickbuttress452: Josie - rewrites? You have to be kidding. * Please* tell me you're kidding me!

kickbuttress452 says: Cool it, Pat. I can do without you freaking out on me too. Don't worry about it - it's just a nine days' wonder.

~ mysticmutha29 has joined the conversation ~

partnerincrime671 says: I take it you haven't seen Barbara's latest announcement?

kickbuttress452 says: No, why? What's she been saying?

partnerincrime671 says: That Max is welcome to return

kickbuttress452 says: Oh, come on, Pat. you know that's just a P.R. job to tide us over the current hiccup

mysticmutha29 says: What's the problem? Didn't they like the way I wrote Daniel out?

kickbuttress452 says: Roxie, which planet have you been on? It's just a few nitwits with more hair than sense objecting to you killing off Jackson, that's all. Not a problem.

mysticmutha29 says: I haven't actually killed him off - thought it might cause a bit of an upset if I did.

kickbuttress452 says: Been looking in your crystal ball again, Rox?

mysticmutha29 says: Ha-ha. I always thought you two under-rated Max's popularity, so I just wanted to keep our options open in case he changes his mind. Babs agreed.

kickbuttress452 says: Oh come on! D.J. was well past his sell-by date. The show has to move on - has moved on.

partnerincrime671 says: So why did you send a memo to hold off for a while?

mysticmutha29 says: Memo? What memo?

kickbuttress452 says: Don't worry about it Roxie. Just take a break for a few days till the dust dies down and Babs and H.C. come to their senses. I'll change the info on the web site re: the biogs. - take Jackman's name off and replace it with Frankie's. Once the fans see it in black-and-white they'll accept that it's a done deal and shut up about it.

mysticmutha29 says: I wouldn't be too sure about that, Josie.

kickbuttress452 says: Well thanks for the vote of confidence, Ms. Positive! :-P



"This is Hannah Conway. Get me Ba—"


"Good! You're there. I saw your announcement, Babs. Glad to see you're taking some action at last!

"Er... Thank you."

"So Armitage has agreed to return?"

"Ahh... Um... I haven't actually managed to get in touch with him yet, but I have left him a message to call me."

"You. Left. Him. A message?"

{gulp} "Yes, ma'am."

"With whom?"

"Um, on his answerphone."

"On his answerphone? Where, exactly...?"

"Erm, at home, actually."

"At home?! You thought maybe he was sitting by his phone, waiting for you to ring?! Max Armitage is a very hot property. I suggest you try his agent. Right NOW!"



"H-hello, Blackjack Studios..."

"Hey, Babs, that you? Rory Dwayne MacAndrew here."

"Phew! Hey R.D.M.! Am I glad to hear your voice!"

"Wow! What have I done to deserve this?"

"You're not Hannah Conway!"

{hysterical laughter}

"Glad it amuses you... How's the skiing?"

"Been having a great time! {hysterical laughter} Guess where I'm phoning from!"

{sigh} "The hospital...?"

"Aw, what gave it away?" {hysterical laughter}

"What have you done?"

"If I tell you, promise you won't scream?" {giggle}

"....I promise."

"Even if I mention anterior cruciate ligament...?"



{hysterical laughter} "Funny, that's what I said too.... Babs? ....Babs?"


"Hello, Kay Black Agency."

"Oh, ah... This is Babs Wrigley from Blackjack Studios. I'm trying to contact Max Armitage."

"Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Armitage is very busy right now. He several film projects in the pipeline, plus a number of magazine interviews lined up."

"Well, I'd just like to speak to him. Could you give me a contact number. He - er - seems to have changed his mobile number."

"I don't think he'd appreciate that right now as he's filming 'Tsunami Kids'. In Japan."

"Can I leave a message?"

"Sure. You want him to call you, yes?"

"Yes please."

"I'll see what I can do. Bye."


Three weeks later.

Ring-ring...ring-ring...ring-ring... {click}{whirr}

"I'm sorry, Babs Wrigley is currently visiting another planet and can't take your call right now. Please leave a message after the pips. Thang-kyou!"

{pip ... pip ... pip ... ear-piercing BEEP!}

"Ouch! Babs, would you please treat yourself to a new answerphone—"

"MAX! - Baby!"

"Aaarrgghh! On second thoughts, Babs, keep the answerphone!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Max. It's just so good to hear your voice. It's been so long...!"

"Hey, how come you've got your answerphone on anyway?"

"Oh Max, you don't want to know!"

"Yes I do. What's going on?"

"Hannah Conway's been having one continuous hissy fit ever since you left."

"Oh? Didn't think she even knew I existed."

"Well rest assured, she does now! She's been making my life hell, and Josie hasn't helped either."

"Why, what's she been doing?"

"Oh, just putting out announcements without reference to me - usually giving completely different information from me -, developing a high profile on the Internet, pushing Frankie down everyone's throats at every opportunity, criticizing your fans - who are legion, by the way... Need I go on?"

"I get the picture. So what can I do for you?"

"As if you didn't know."

"You want me back?"

"Always said you were a bright guy, Max."

"I don't think it would work, Babs. I mean, if there wasn't a place for me in the show in the last two series, how can you suddenly find a place for me now?"

{sigh} "What would it take to make you change your mind?"

"I think you already know that."

"To be a full team member?"

"That's a given."

"Make more use of the Stargate?"

"That would be a good idea."

"Fewer 'X-Files' episodes?"

"Unless you're planning on signing up Darren Duvitski and Gina Andrews..."

"Um - not so much using violence as a first resort?"

"That would be good, too. I mean, what does it say about our country that our first reaction to a problem is to shoot it? And after that, what do you do for the rest of the episode? What options are left for a climax? Total nuclear war?"

"Good point. Anything else?"

"Yes, actually."

"Well, go ahead."

"Really? Well also on my wish list - stop using the S.G.C. as an alien dating agency."


"Think about it. Especially in relation to Sam. Her 'black widow' reputation is getting to be as much of a joke as the red-shirts on 'Star Trek' - not to mention her SuperSam activities. What's she going to do next? Walk on water?"

"You think we've been overdoing it a bit?"

"Well, I know Annabelle's not too happy about it..."

"Oo-kaaaay... Any more?"

"Yes, Babs. Teal'c's a member of the team too. Crispin wants to do more that just look menacing, raise an eyebrow and say, 'Indeed'."

"Is that it?"

"It'll do for now."

"You mean - you mean you'll come back?"

"If the scripts are good enough..."

"I'll get the girls to start writing straight away. Bless you, Max, you're a life-saver!"

"Ah no. Let Roxie do it. Or you.

"Er, why?"

"Because Josie won't know what's happening. She only watches the episodes she writes..."

"How did you know that?"

"Roxie said so..."

"O.K. Roxie wrote you out - she can write you back in. How do you feel about that?"


But that, as they say, is Another Story...

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Crown Infernal